Anyone else's parents not put the effort in childcare wise?

[TulipVictory]

We rarely ever leave the children anywhere mostly because we just enjoy our time together as a family.

The one time we asked my Mum about a sleepover it seemed like a big inconvenience. We wanted it at our house because there wasn't room in theirs for the children and the little one who needs her travel cot. But they didn't want to sleep at ours where all the children's stuff is so it didn't happen.

I have an appointment tomorrow so asked if my mum can meet me there just to watch the two little ones while I go in but I have to go hers first and pick her up so she can sit in my car so that she doesn't lose her parking space.

They always make out like they don't see the children enough but everything is always on their terms. I pop over every week, sit in their lounge so that they can see them but if I wanted to go out, meet them somewhere etc to the park we never go! it's always like it's a big inconvenience! Please tell me if I'm
Being unreasonable but this is the way it's always been and I'm feeling a bit frustrated

@FrownedUpon

They don’t owe you anything. Lots of grandparents don’t want the hassle of childcare. They raised their children, you raise yours.

Actually, my mother didn’t raise me or my siblings and my grandparents had me stay over for entire weekends and school/summer holidays - my mother NEVER worked btw - grandparents took me on holidays and day trips. My grandparents were always the ones to buy me the stuff I needed.

My mother (before I went NC) actually tried to rewrite my history saying my grandparents never looked after me overnight. I have pictures of me and my cousins in the biggest bedroom in my grandparents house they had fitted out with 3 sets of bunk beds so grandkids could stay over!

She even flat out refused to accept big chunks of my childhood were spent babysitting my siblings and I missed out in a lot of things because I had to look after them including losing my own regular babysitting job that paid me good money because my mother demanded I look after my siblings instead. She expected it from me and her mother.

I know I am not alone and there are countless parents born in the 60s who pushed childcare of their own kids to grandparents and then older siblings.

I was born in the 80s. I am not an anomaly.

I'm sorry you feel this way but the examples you give are a bit poor. Who wants to sleep at someone else's house to look after their kids. Couldn't you have just paid for a taxi home and the appointment just drop them off while you go to it. Unless they are very frail in which case it's probably unreasonable anyway you just dont sound like your suggest practical solutions. Also a lot of family visit the parents we certainly do but that good as it gets the kids out of my house. If you want them to come to yours why dont you suggest a meal like Sunday lunch.

I’d be really annoyed about this tbh

My mum lives in a different country and she will actually fly over if we need her for childcare (within reason!) she came when my child had chicken pox for example so we didn’t need to take too long off work

I have tickets for a music festival in the summer and she will come then to mind my daughter

We pay for her flight of course but she’s happy to spend time with her grand daughter

I’d probably stop going round so much it’s boring for your kids to just be stuck in a lounge maybe it would give her the kick she needs to get out the house spend some time with them

You'll probably get people saying that they are your kids, not your parents etc etc. But I totally get the frustration. It's not like you asking for them to have the kids every single day!!

I once asked my mum to have my son for a couple hours in the holidays. Dd had an important hospital app, ds would have been bored. She said yes, then changed her mind leaving us in the lurch. Had to take ds and he was a nightmare (he has sen so hospital settings are hard).

My kids grandparents do see them but only if we visit, they never come here and we are always there.

I'm secretly envious of people who have parents who do a lot for them. I don't expect nor want it but it must be nice.

I was the kid that was always at my grandparents 😅 they were amazing. They worked full time when I was younger and still did the school runs as my mother was useless at times, they took us on holidays, days out, cooked dinner for us several times a week. I didn't notice at the time but my grandpa would work long hours, come home and take care of me without ever moaning. I am forever grateful. They would literally drop all their plans for the kids and grandkids. Most selfless people you could. I was very lucky but my mum was probably in the minority having so much help!

My parents same age as my in laws help out without asking, always wanting to babysit etc . My in laws on the other hand, want to see the kids but only on their own terms and if I'm there to do the grunt work. I went on holiday with them were they insisted they wanted to come for "childcare" as they would already holiday for 2 weeks before we arrived and me and dh can have some time off and enjoy the holiday. First day of our holiday, I asked if they could watch dc while I ran to the room to use the toilet, put on fresh contact lenses as we were running late for breakfast and I couldn't do it in the morning and they said no, they were going to be late for swimming and miss the best sunbathing spots. Mind you they already holidayed for 2 weeks before we arrived.

The next 2 weeks was the same and I never asked anything from them. Mil wanted to go to fancy restaurants while I was entertaining a 1 year old in a restaurant barely touching my food. I stopped going after night 4 and started ordering room service and doing things on my own terms. Then mil and pil started saying to DH is everything ok, why isn't dil joining us and making a big deal out of it. The following year they wanted to join another holiday of ours and I said no and took my own parents. Again I didn't ask anything from my parents but they kept on saying "oh it's too hot for us and it must be hot for dgc, we'll stay in with dgc and you can swim until 4pm and then take over". Everything was so much easier, we took shifts etc. I treated them for the holiday and for a massage as well and again my parents went and arranged a massage for me and said they would look after dc as I deserved a massage the most.

Ok I'm not entitled for a free childcare but I am entitled to choose who to spend time with and people who make my dc's life easier. With my in-laws, it's always me that has to make the effort so they spend time with dc. With my parents, they make the effort to see and be with dc. Oh and the jealousy they have towards my parents is another thing!

We’ve been lumped with two sets of shit grandparents. DH’s parents live 15 minutes away but honestly couldn’t care less about their grandkids. I used to make such an effort with them and when I finally realised it was completely one sided I stopped. I now wait for them to contact us and that only happens every 2 months or so. DGM FB feed is full of lovely pictures of the grandkids but the truth is she doesn’t give a shit. One of our DC is SEN and life is tough, there is no respite. My parents aren’t much better. I am NC with my mother and my father lives halfway across the world, we get the odd Skype call and a text on birthdays but that’s it.

My kids are adults now but I can relate to what you say as my parents were like that when my kids were younger. They are the same now. They expect to be 'visited' but dont do any visiting and guilt trip when no one has visited them in a while. (This is usually days btw) . That said if I wanted my kids to be looked after by my parents when they were younger, or even now if I want a favour from someone , I think it is reasonable for me to be put out more than the person who is doing the favour. Thats just my opinion.

I do loads of childcare for my GC and in fact one lives with me but I don't do sleepovers at their homes. I like my own bed and my own things so the kids come to me. If they are all here, I've got six, it might involve blow up mattresses in the lounge but that is just exciting for little ones. Not much sleep though.

My PIL love having our 3 DC. They often have them on an afternoon for tea - if it's a Saturday or Sunday or school holiday, they will pick them up after lunch and take them for walks or out somewhere and then to tea at their house. DD likes gardening with FIL. They would always help if we needed them for childcare- we don't but they would.
DH's grandma lives with them- in her 90s- and she loves seeing the DC for tea.
MIL has mentioned them having a sleepover there. I think the DC would love it but not sure PIL would.

@Userno263647284 It sounds like your grandparents stepped up because your mum wasn't looking after you all properly - the mention of school runs. This happened in my extended family too.
Someone who isn't an involved mum, is unlikely to be an involved grandparent.

@tootiredtospeak

I'm sorry you feel this way but the examples you give are a bit poor. Who wants to sleep at someone else's house to look after their kids. Couldn't you have just paid for a taxi home and the appointment just drop them off while you go to it. Unless they are very frail in which case it's probably unreasonable anyway you just dont sound like your suggest practical solutions. Also a lot of family visit the parents we certainly do but that good as it gets the kids out of my house. If you want them to come to yours why dont you suggest a meal like Sunday lunch.

Me. It's much easier looking after children in their own home

@RedCandyApple

I’m a single parent and my mum never helps me out with childcare, you will be told you are being unreasonable to expect any help

Yep, but it's total bollocks isn't? My parents are amazing. And I will do the same for my children.

Different values I suppose, but it boggles my mind.

I suppose such parents are not expecting care in their old age if families don't help each other out and care for each other. Bizarre.

I'm sorry that you get much support

@RaininSummer

Your parents don't have to do childcare for you but obviously it's nice. I can see why they wouldn't want to sleep at your house though as in your own home you can get stuff done and relax more.

It's about putting the children first though, surely?

The grandparents who won't help miss out on so much imo. I love helping out with mine, and have a great time with them even though it's hard work sometimes. But, I will refuse to have them if I have pre made plans, I don't drop everything if I'm asked.

I loved my parents, but they would only care for the children if it was a dire emergency.
Many of my friends are the same too.
I don't think it's that rare.

@Kdubs1981 very few people look after their parents in their old age anyway.

I think you were unreasonable to expect them to stay at yours to babysit if they'd prefer to do it at their own house tbh, they're the ones doing you a favour after all. My kids are older now but when they were younger and my mother was babysitting I always brought the children and all their bits and pieces to her house

I'm a grandmother and yes , I do childcare now. I pick my youngest DGD up from school 3 times a week . I don't really enjoy doing it but if I didn't my DDinL wouldn't be able to do her part time job . It's only for another year as DGD will be in secondary school by then I'll be off the leash .
My elder DGD is a college so doesn't need childcare but I did what was needed as and when to mind her too .
I can't understand grandparents who have the attitude 'I didn't have help, I had to manage so

you can do too' . I bet a lot of these people will be moaning when they're old and need help that their children never do anything for them .

When my DD best friend needed to go back to part time work when her DSs were 3 and 5 because money was very tight I had her boys for about 3 hours a day , 3 times a week because her parents were over an hours drive away so couldn't do it all . Her DM stayed over on Sunday to have the boys Monday but then drove home and I had them Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I did this for a couple of years because she is my DD best friend and was almost part of the family so why wouldn't I help if I could . Thankfully all my grandchildren are nearly grown up now ( teenagers) so my babysitting days are almost over

I suppose such parents are not expecting care in their old age if families don't help each other out and care for each other. Bizarre

What’s more bizarre is expecting childcare as an insurance policy for care in old age. Our adult child who expects the lion’s share of child care is the one least likely to support us in old age. Any care we get is likely to be from the single, childless one.

@winnieanddaisy there are loads of people in MN who say parents shouldn't expect help in old age anyway. That they should plan and prepare for their old age.
If I was a gran, I would help with GC, but I know that I would be unlikely to get help in my old age. Lots of younger adults seem to think any help is unraesonable.

@Blossomtoes

I suppose such parents are not expecting care in their old age if families don't help each other out and care for each other. Bizarre

What’s more bizarre is expecting childcare as an insurance policy for care in old age. Our adult child who expects the lion’s share of child care is the one least likely to support us in old age. Any care we get is likely to be from the single, childless one.

Then I'm so sad for you and your family.

This is not how our family works. We take care of each other.

@Blossomtoes

I suppose such parents are not expecting care in their old age if families don't help each other out and care for each other. Bizarre

What’s more bizarre is expecting childcare as an insurance policy for care in old age. Our adult child who expects the lion’s share of child care is the one least likely to support us in old age. Any care we get is likely to be from the single, childless one.

So sad that people expect relationships to be so transactional

It is nice if grandparents help, but I don't think they're obliged to.

You're not obliged to visit each week though either when you're busy. If they want to see the grandchildren more then they'll have to get more involved.

I do understand grandparents getting tired, I think they can end up getting put upon a lot. My mum has raised 3 children and now has 5 grandchildren. She's helped out with all of them but I don't expect too much and she no longer has them for sleepovers.

My in laws were determined to be the fun grandparents and offer lots of help but 3 dgc in and another on the way, both still working and I can tell that they are getting tired.

[quote Monopolyiscrap]@Kdubs1981 very few people look after their parents in their old age anyway.[/quote]
What's your evidence source for this? Most people I know do. I certainly do

To add I've seen grandparents on the school run often with 2 sets of dgc and they look run ragged at times.

We've been able to keep it to emergencies and occasional weekends.