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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why did he have that in his bum?

505 replies

IfIcouldturnbacktime217 · 03/02/2022 21:02

So tonight DD asked me when she was going to bed about something a boy in nursery had on his bum. She said he pulled his pants down and showed her a worm then starts showing me her mini saying she doesn't have a worm! I've tried to ask how this happened and not got a lot of sense from her (she's 3) I think it may of been in the toilet but she said there was no teacher there. AIBU to be thinking they shouldn't be going the toilet together without a teacher and slightly alarmed by this?

OP posts:
Doratheexploret · 05/02/2022 02:27

@Pyriah

How has she not seen one before? Does she not have a father? That would be the most appropriate place to begin a discussion.
Eh? Why would she have seen her fathers ? Not everyone struts around naked in front if their kids!
Doratheexploret · 05/02/2022 02:38

@SynchOrSwim

Is it really prudish to lock the door when you go to the toilet/have a shower? I think the only time my 7 year old DD has seen a penis is when a friend was changing her baby's nappy!
No it’s not prudish, my kids have probably never seen us naked, well not since they’ve been of an age they’d remember.
toddybell · 05/02/2022 02:45

I've never heard of the word 'mini' to refer to a vulva/female genitalia. That word would mean small/a brand of car/or a cartoon character to me. Correct terminology must be used to refer to body parts. I'm a former teacher and was part of a safeguarding case years ago where the mention of 'daddy's little leg' lead to a full on investigation and sex abuse towards this child and their siblings coming to light. I'd rather my child should VULVA or PENIS in a supermarket than live their lives not having a clue about their own/other peoples bodies. Any embarrassment/shame referring to body parts says more about the person feeling the embarrassment/shame.

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 03:24

I know it’s jarring but it’s so, so common I really wouldn’t worry.

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 03:26

@toddybell mini was what my mum used when I was little but I agree proper terminology should be used.
A child saying someone touched her mini could be interpreted as touched her toy car or soft toy or whatever if they hadn’t heard it before.

EllaVaNight · 05/02/2022 03:34

Why overload toddlers with scientific words? Winky for boys mini or foofoo for girls is fine Good grief they are only babies, time aplenty for them to learn the proper names!! What do you call hands/eyes/arms since they are so scientific?

I was being sexually abused as a child. I wasn't taught the real names for genetlalia. This led to confusion by adults and me not being believed. That's why there isn't "plenty of time" to learn the proper names.

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 03:39

Why overload toddlers with scientific words? Winky for boys mini or foofoo for girls is fine Good grief they are only babies, time aplenty for them to learn the proper names!!

The only person embarrassed of saying Penis or Vagina is you, to a child it is what it is. As above, hands/eyes/feet etc they’re just body parts

Chichimcgee · 05/02/2022 03:44

If ops child had said to a teacher ‘why’s he got a worm in his bum’ teacher would likely think the child has thread worm and told the girl or they were having a weird toddler conversation about worms and bums (because both are funny to boys) if she said ‘Tommy showed me his penis’ there’s a lot less room for confusion.

I think it’s important to teach differences and educate about the opposite sex as early as possible, even if that just means getting a suitable for their age book or answering questions honestly.

ecofriendlywendy · 05/02/2022 04:12

@Stath

* willies not willows!
First I was afraid he has worms and was trying to show your ds. Then I thought he had hidden an earthworm in his nappy like Tommy from rug rats. Then someone else posted about willows and bums. I'm sorry but this thread is wild!
liveforsummer · 05/02/2022 05:45

Thread has got a bit detailed but in your answer to adult supervision- the nursery at our work does not supervise every child going to the toilet . There are 70 of them you'd need a full time member of staff. They go when they need to go and are checked regularly but not fully supervised. Both dc went to different nurseries (in fact Dd1 went to 3) and it was the same at all of them

MimiDaisy11 · 05/02/2022 06:03

Why overload toddlers with scientific words? Winky for boys mini or foofoo for girls is fine Good grief they are only babies, time aplenty for them to learn the proper names

As a previous poster said you wouldn’t call your mouth a chomper or your eyeballs looky balls for children. You teach them the proper name as you’re not embarrassed or ashamed of these body parts.

Original poster
IfIcouldturnbacktime217 · 05/02/2022 07:34

I wasn't going to bother posting again but just wanted to point out to the many on here thinking I call a penis a worm! I may not be the best at writing and clearly the majority of you on here think you are far superior to others in the way you talk. Anyone with half a brain can see I am not calling his penis a worm this is what my daughter described it as. And yes if she told someone something like this over the phone half your arguments would make sense but guess what, we were Facebook face and my DD has hands ( before you all jump on me, I'm aware some don't) and she did what most children do when describing something and she pointed to where she meant. Not once was I confused by her describing a penis as worm. Even though I've never told her it's called a worm! Absolute madness I understood a word I'd never heard of isn't it?!!
I have discussed with her now what this is, but this wasn't what I was asking advice on was it?! Thanks so much to the people who are on the same planet as me.
Guess what... I've never heard of a foo, but if my DD started to use the word or I heard her friend say it I'd question what it was and have a proper conversation, sure it would take 2 seconds for them to point (like worm gate)
Feel like I've entered some sort of parallel universe here.
I get the point a lot of you are making. A lot on here are just rude and nasty though, I do wonder if you'd have the same approach if your real name and photo were attached to your profile 🤔

OP posts:
Original poster
IfIcouldturnbacktime217 · 05/02/2022 07:41

Face to face not Facebook face 🙈 predictive text!!

OP posts:
liveforsummer · 05/02/2022 07:49

Anyone with half a brain can see I am not calling his penis a worm this is what my daughter described it as.

I think most people got that, but were wondering why you're dd doesn't know what a penis is at all or that boys have them, let alone doesn't know the word for it. Perhaps time to get her some anatomically correct dolls and an age appropriate body book.

As I said though (but also with an autocorrect 😆) this is a bit of a derailment from your question regarding the adult supervision which I have answered below

Mellowyellow222 · 05/02/2022 08:16

Okay - but surely if you had ever been on mumsnet you must have known that an adult coming in referring to her mini would provoke this response?

As I said upstream these things tend to be generational. Your mum was embarrassed, didn’t use correct words and so are you. But I assume you don’t talk about your mini to the doctor? Why did you use it here?

Please think about using a more appropriate term with your daughter. Talking about these things and educating children is never a bad thing.

Devastatedyetagain · 05/02/2022 09:52

OP has said they had a conversation - isn't that what we should all be doing with our children? It really worried me that people get so het up about using the correct terms yet do not bother to engage with their children. Whatever any child calls anything, a quick conversation will clear up any ambiguity. I am amazed at how many people brush off comments because they are ambiguous. I will say again, the majority of children who are abused will not have been taught the correct terms and I am so sad that if they were to speak to the majority of posters here they would be ignored. All this sanctimonious lecturing is doing nothing for safeguarding our children.

Sofiegiraffe · 05/02/2022 11:09

@Devastatedyetagain

OP has said they had a conversation - isn't that what we should all be doing with our children? It really worried me that people get so het up about using the correct terms yet do not bother to engage with their children. Whatever any child calls anything, a quick conversation will clear up any ambiguity. I am amazed at how many people brush off comments because they are ambiguous. I will say again, the majority of children who are abused will not have been taught the correct terms and I am so sad that if they were to speak to the majority of posters here they would be ignored. All this sanctimonious lecturing is doing nothing for safeguarding our children.

Bloody well said.👏🏻

Sofiegiraffe · 05/02/2022 11:12

A lot on here are just rude and nasty though, I do wonder if you'd have the same approach if your real name and photo were attached to your profile

I'm going to confidently say probably not.....

Staryflight445 · 05/02/2022 11:51

You don’t call a penis a worm, fine. But you call her vulva her mini.
It’s the same scenario op.

Not every adult would have the time to catch on, it’s incredibly important to use correct words so that when our children try and tell us something we don’t have to ask questions that may make them upset.

Staryflight445 · 05/02/2022 11:53

@Devastatedyetagain when some children are naming it cookie etc and staff are overstretched and time limited you can see why some people wouldn’t ask questions. But that’s besides the point, if someone has touched a child inappropriately they need to be able to say this clearly without an adult having to ask them questions which may be uncomfortable for them or make them feel like they’ve done something wrong.

LavenderAskew · 05/02/2022 12:06

@Devastatedyetagain

OP has said they had a conversation - isn't that what we should all be doing with our children? It really worried me that people get so het up about using the correct terms yet do not bother to engage with their children. Whatever any child calls anything, a quick conversation will clear up any ambiguity. I am amazed at how many people brush off comments because they are ambiguous. I will say again, the majority of children who are abused will not have been taught the correct terms and I am so sad that if they were to speak to the majority of posters here they would be ignored. All this sanctimonious lecturing is doing nothing for safeguarding our children.
Of course it doesn't have anything to do with safeguarding,.

Not only do I think it's sanctimonious lecturing but it's also ready made excuse for failing to safeguard a child. They can justify why they might brush off child's cry for help. "Well she said her daddy touched her mini - I thought she meant her car, if only her (abusive) parents had taught her the correct words for vulvas and vaginas'. "But all she said was that her uncle put his stick in her wee-wee, how was I supposed to understand what she meant? She really should have been taught penis and vagina."

GracieLouFreeebush · 05/02/2022 12:17

a quick conversation will clear up any ambiguity. I am amazed at how many people brush off comments because they are ambiguous.

In my job role I have limits on what I can say/ask a child because it can be seen as influencing them. If they used the correct terms in the first place then less questions would need to be asked reducing the chance of it being seen as words being put into their mouth and an offender getting away with it.

Devastatedyetagain · 05/02/2022 12:41

So many people missing the point!! A child who is being abused will not have been told the correct terms for exactly this reason. It is for this reason that we cannot brush a comment off. To say as a professional is too busy to ask a simple question is shocking!
These poor kids - not only are they being abused, the irresponsible parents (who are often the abusers) haven't told them the correct anatomical names. God help them.

Lalalablahblahblah · 05/02/2022 12:48

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Itsalmostanaccessory · 05/02/2022 12:54

@Lalalablahblahblah

Jesus. I don't get the obsession with using medical names! My boys use the words willy and foof but know the correct names are penis and vulva. We just don't use them day to day. Same as we generally say bumhole, rather than anus or head instead of cranium.. Why is everyone piling on the OP???
But it iant just about the names. The OP's 3 year old doesnt even seem to know that the bum is the part at the back!