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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ok to allow family members message you kids

120 replies

ABC123000WTF · 03/02/2022 19:08

SIL keeps putting her contact details in my daughters iPad so they can message and FaceTime without my permission. I feel like it is manipulative and teaching my child to be deceitful. I have told them both it is not ok and if they want to communicate they can do so through my or my DH phone. Her iPad message and FaceTime are to communicate with her best friend only. She is only 9 and I think once you open the door she will invite others to communicate with her without my permission too. My DH thinks I’m irrational, am I?

OP posts:
JustWonderingIfYou · 03/02/2022 19:09

Your 9 year old and her auntie would like to speak- I'm not sure what your issue is?

You sound very controlling.

Iamanicepersonreally · 03/02/2022 19:10

Unless you have a reason not to trust your SIL, you’re being massively unreasonable

MartinMartinMarti · 03/02/2022 19:10

I’d allow this (unless there’s a reason you don’t trust your SIL?).

She’s not a random, she’s your child’s aunt!

Thehop · 03/02/2022 19:10

It’s her aunt, I think it’s fine.

user1491404899 · 03/02/2022 19:10

Yabvu

Spidey66 · 03/02/2022 19:11

Sorry I’m with your husband. It’s her aunt not a random stranger.

MayThePawsBeWithYou · 03/02/2022 19:12

Why can't her auntie facetime her , she loves her and is part of her family. What are you afraid of, that they might be talking about you or discussing things your dd cant discuss with you?

OmgIThinkILikeYou · 03/02/2022 19:12

I would be concerned you are trying to control her communication with other trusted adults tbh. It's very weird (unless you have a reason to be suspicious of her)

shouldistop · 03/02/2022 19:13

Why are you concerned about her aunt speaking to her? You can't control your daughters relationships like this.

shouldistop · 03/02/2022 19:14

I really don't understand why she's allowed to FaceTime her friend but not her aunt? Seems bizarre.

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/02/2022 19:14

We agree all DD's contacts before she has them. But we agree GPS, aunts and uncles.

KatherineofGaunt · 03/02/2022 19:14

I have my nephew's number, and have done since he got his phone last year (he's 11). There isn't a problem with it - I'm his aunt! I just send him little Lego memes and things. If my SIL was concerned, she'd just have to look and see what kind of things we send to each other.

If you give permission once then they don't need to ask each time, surely?

Sally872 · 03/02/2022 19:14

Give your dd permission to speak to and message auntie whenever they want (within usual screen time rules). Problem solved. Unless there is massive drip feed about sister being crazy and a bad influence yabvu.

Redglitter · 03/02/2022 19:15

It's manipulative for her Aunt to face time her?? Don't be ridiculous it's her AUNT. Unless there's a massive back story you've not mentioned then YABVVU

FedUpOfLighteningCrotch · 03/02/2022 19:15

Unless there’s a massive drip feed coming you are absolutely bonkers. She’s allowed the contact details of her ‘best friend’ but not her blood relative? Ok.

galacticpixels · 03/02/2022 19:16

Aw, I really love when my nieces text or FaceTime me. I don't understand the concern.

Theimpossiblegirl · 03/02/2022 19:16

A little ott, op. The internet is going to be a big factor in her life. Better to teach her to use it safely than not at all.

Eileen101 · 03/02/2022 19:16

What's wrong with her aunt speaking to her? Is there a reason you don't trust her?
I think you are being unreasonable.

purpleboy · 03/02/2022 19:16

This seems strange op, is there a backstory you haven't mentioned?

XenoBitch · 03/02/2022 19:17

How come you trust her with another kid, not not her own family?
There must be something else going on here.

JaninaDuszejko · 03/02/2022 19:17

My SIL lives abroad. My teenage daughters whatsapp her all the time. I love that they gave a relationship beyond what DH and I orchestrate for them. My DDs think she is way cooler than DH and me.

Maybe the real issue is that your 9yo has a device for communication with others when she's too young to understand any dangers. Or that you have other issues with your SIL whereas your DH is (not surprisingly) happy for his sister to message his daughter.

Beachbreak2411 · 03/02/2022 19:18

You are being unreasonable! I have absolutely no relationship or contact with my brother and his wife.. but I have no issue with them contacting my daughter. She adores her Aunty and uncle and they are brilliant to her. I wouldn’t dream of stopping them contacting each other!

erinaceus · 03/02/2022 19:18

I can understand wanting a 9 year old to only communicate on their iPad and Facetime with people who they know well -- that seems reasonable.

However this is a family member, and it is difficult to see what the problem with them chatting is. You suggested that all communication between your DD and your SIL over devices ought to go via your or your DH's phone. Is this so that you can monitor what is being said? Because that is somewhat invasive, even with a nine year old.

If you are cross that she puts her contact details in your DD's iPad when you have specifically told them both that it's not okay, I can sort of see why you are cross there, but your original request seems somewhat unreasonable to me.

Original poster
ABC123000WTF · 03/02/2022 19:19

Ok thanks for bringing me back down to earth. I think it’s the permission side of things that got me out of my tree on this one!

OP posts:
CrinklyCraggy · 03/02/2022 19:20

I think allowing her to communicate with friends like this has already "opened the floodgates" and is far more likely to cause trouble than an adult family member who presumably cares about DD.

Would you be having the same reaction if it was your sister or your mother?

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