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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ok to allow family members message you kids

120 replies

ABC123000WTF · 03/02/2022 19:08

SIL keeps putting her contact details in my daughters iPad so they can message and FaceTime without my permission. I feel like it is manipulative and teaching my child to be deceitful. I have told them both it is not ok and if they want to communicate they can do so through my or my DH phone. Her iPad message and FaceTime are to communicate with her best friend only. She is only 9 and I think once you open the door she will invite others to communicate with her without my permission too. My DH thinks I’m irrational, am I?

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 03/02/2022 19:21

Family is fine and if they aren’t fine I would wonder why you are in contact with them at all

AutumnLeaves21 · 03/02/2022 19:21

You’re being so weird. Almost as if you don’t want her communicating with other adults because you have something to hide. Hmm.

MrHavelIsHot · 03/02/2022 19:23

If you trust the person, it’s fine. But saying that, when my nieces and nephews were young, I wouldn’t have contacted them directly, I’d speak to them on a call their parents.

Is there a reason you don’t want her to? I stopped certain members of my family contacting my children directly but there were very good reasons for that.

tkwal · 03/02/2022 19:24

Have you asked your SIL not to do this ? If you have and she persists then she is being very disrespectful to you. It really doesn't matter what Mumsnet thinks, she's your daughter so your rules apply. Now this is an imaginary scenario , but it could possibly happen. Some randomer hacks your SILs account and starts talking to your daughter (not on facetime, obviously)but messenger. Would you like to meet me for a hot chocolate after school ?How is a 9 year old supposed to know its not her aunt , and the secrecy means she wouldn't tell you...what then ?

XmasElf10 · 03/02/2022 19:25

YABU I speak to my niece and nephew loads. My DD is 10 and has Skype and chats to her Aunty, her dad, her grandparents- all done whenever DD wants to and without my involvement. I thought that was normal?

MayThePawsBeWithYou · 03/02/2022 19:25

Your little girl is growing up. Let her make a few decisions herself and she will feel more confident and mature.

pilates · 03/02/2022 19:25

Do you not like your SIL?

Twolostsoulsswimminginafishbow · 03/02/2022 19:26

I’m calling reverse on this one. That’s the child’s aunt!

AutumnLeaves21 · 03/02/2022 19:27

@tkwal

Have you asked your SIL not to do this ? If you have and she persists then she is being very disrespectful to you. It really doesn't matter what Mumsnet thinks, she's your daughter so your rules apply. Now this is an imaginary scenario , but it could possibly happen. Some randomer hacks your SILs account and starts talking to your daughter (not on facetime, obviously)but messenger. Would you like to meet me for a hot chocolate after school ?How is a 9 year old supposed to know its not her aunt , and the secrecy means she wouldn't tell you...what then ?
This is one of the most hysterical things I’ve ever read on this site. Good lord.
TellMeSomeGoodNewsPlease · 03/02/2022 19:27

It’s the doing it behind your back/without permission which would rile me. I wouldn’t stop my DC having their aunt as a contact but you have decided different rules so that’s that. The fact that she keeps doing it is presumably a clue as to why you restricted contact in the first place? But having an iPad is a privilege and if your DC needs to the follow the parameters you’ve set and not sneak around. First rule of online.

clpsmum · 03/02/2022 19:28

He you are irrational. Her aunt wants to chat to her and that's a problem for you??! You sound very very controlling

BuickMcKane · 03/02/2022 19:29

Eh? It's her auntie. Why is it deceitful or manipulative? Mine all have family members contact numbers and they chat as and when they fancy. Youngest is 9. Can't see a problem!

Falifornia · 03/02/2022 19:51

DD is now 22; we have always been and remain super close. But when she got her first phone (aged 14 or so back in those days), my best mate stuck her contact details in it. I have no siblings & BF told DD that if anything ever kicked off that she couldn't / didn't want to tell me, that she would be her "auntie" and sort it out. Nothing ever did but I'll never forget this sisterly act.

reluctantbrit · 03/02/2022 20:02

I think you need to sit down with your child and talk about messaging people and online safeguarding in general. A family member you normally don't have any objections interacting with your child shouldn't be a concern as such, knowing how to navigate messaging - a major issue to be learned.

DD whatsapp with her grandparents, we only found out after DD told us weeks later. But, DD knows about the rules of messaging, only people you know face to face and we have the right to check her contact list all the time.

gogohm · 03/02/2022 20:11

Unless there's a reason not mentioned yet, I can't see what the problem is, it's get aunt

MintyGreenDream · 03/02/2022 20:12

I message my niece 10 ( dh sisters child) on messenger from time to time.Id be horrified if sil didn't trust me.Yabu.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/02/2022 20:14

she puts her contact details in your DD's iPad when you have specifically told them both that it's not okay

I would be absolutely fine with a family member being in contact like this with one of my DC at that age.

But I do think its odd that your SIL went ahead, ignored your request and put her details in your child's iPad anyway.

That's not on and its saying to your child, we can both ignore what your mother thinks and do what we want. I'd be wondering what other "advice" she might give.

I would actually speak to SIL about that and ask her what she thinks she's doing.

WindyState · 03/02/2022 20:23

@tkwal

Have you asked your SIL not to do this ? If you have and she persists then she is being very disrespectful to you. It really doesn't matter what Mumsnet thinks, she's your daughter so your rules apply. Now this is an imaginary scenario , but it could possibly happen. Some randomer hacks your SILs account and starts talking to your daughter (not on facetime, obviously)but messenger. Would you like to meet me for a hot chocolate after school ?How is a 9 year old supposed to know its not her aunt , and the secrecy means she wouldn't tell you...what then ?
FFS.
ReformedWaywardTeen · 03/02/2022 20:26

I'm a SIL and aunt to quite a number of nieces and nephews as DH has 5 siblings
I've always been the aunt (as I'm by far the youngest, in fact one of my DSILs is old enough to be my mum) who they chat with on social media, who they allow to follow them etc.
Why is it deceitful to want to speak to her aunt? Surely, aunt would say if they mentioned anything concerning?

I remember a few years back now, when one of the older nephews had clearly forgotten I followed his Instagram. He made comments which worried me and I was able to speak to his mum and she sorted him out, he was hanging around with some right dodgy characters and drinking, so she put a stop to it. He never twigged I told her and she never told him, saying a neighbour saw him in the park.

So, it could be handy for them to be close

Metallicalover · 03/02/2022 20:31

I'm with your DH, it's irrational. During lock down especially me and my niece who is younger than yours had lots of video chats! (Mainly putting filters on to create funny faces and have a giggle) my sister couldn't give a hoot!

LittleOwl153 · 03/02/2022 20:33

I think the past couple of years has progressed "tech use" for kids in a way its not really possible to turn back. As you allow her to message and facetime her friend I think you are past that stage...

Do however make sure your daughter knows when it's appropriate to call and yo watch what is behind her! Remind her that it is not appropriate to take the ipad I to the shower as SIl wants to speak you... as my DS did to his grandma!! 🙈

whatnumber · 03/02/2022 20:33

This is bonkers as pp said upthread!
You really need to keep an eye on your own controlling behaviour in future and reign it in - or ask mumsnet as you have here Grin.
How lovely that your child has a trusted loving adult other than a parent in their life.

maddy68 · 03/02/2022 20:35

Eh? Why is it weird ? It's nice ?

Christmaswindows · 03/02/2022 20:36

If my sister told me I needed her permission to speak to my either of my nieces……I’m too polite to tell you what I’d say!!! My children never need permission to speak to a family member - ever!! Actually, I rang both my nieces this evening, without asking their parents first!!

SanFranBear · 03/02/2022 20:37

@Falifornia

DD is now 22; we have always been and remain super close. But when she got her first phone (aged 14 or so back in those days), my best mate stuck her contact details in it. I have no siblings & BF told DD that if anything ever kicked off that she couldn't / didn't want to tell me, that she would be her "auntie" and sort it out. Nothing ever did but I'll never forget this sisterly act.
Your best friends sounds lovely, Falifornia!
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