Page 5 | Is it ok to allow family members message you kids

ABC123000WTF · 2022-02-03T19:08:19+00:00

SIL keeps putting her contact details in my daughters iPad so they can message and FaceTime without my permission. I feel like it is manipulative and teaching my child to be deceitful. I have told them both it is not ok and if they want to communicate they can do so through my or my DH phone. Her iPad message and FaceTime are to communicate with her best friend only. She is only 9 and I think once you open the door she will invite others to communicate with her without my permission too. My DH thinks I’m irrational, am I?

Namaste6 · 06/02/2022 03:48

YABU if there is no issue between you and your SIL. YANBU if there is.

SquirrelG · 06/02/2022 04:28

You don't want your daughter to be able to contact her aunt? YABVU.

JustLyra · 06/02/2022 04:40

I’d be really pissed off at an adult doing that through my 9yo rather than me.

Especially if we had, as we have had with all the kids, that they have to ask us before adding any contacts to any accounts they have.

Other adults shouldn’t circumnavigate what you have set up, even if they disagree, as teaching kids that they can ignore their parents when it comes to internet safety isn’t good at all. And since kids are more likely to come to harm from people known to them it definitely shouldn’t be encouraged by anyone close to the child.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d allow my SIL to be added, but she shouldn’t have gone about it like that. Especially adding details more than once - even if she thought your stance was ridiculous she should t have just done it again.

saffy1234 · 06/02/2022 06:55

I see the issue as more that you have told them both not to and SIL is undermining you.
That’s the real issue here.

autienotnaughty · 06/02/2022 06:58

I'd have no issue with it but would expect sil to check with me/oh first. I agree that you don't want your children thinking it's ok for adults to communicate with out you knowing. I'd talk to dd and explain it's ok because you and oh know about it but she must always check first.

misspercy · 06/02/2022 08:27

If I was SIL, I'd be concerned at how you're treating your DD. Suspicion of family members works both ways, you know.

Also, why is another girl more trusted than a close relative?

My niece is able to contact me independently of her parents. I am a trusted adult who she can talk to when she doesn't feel able to speak to her parents. Honestly, girls have to put up with so much shit growing up, and it's good that that they have more than one adult they can talk to if they need to.

Her parents know I'm 'the cool aunt' and trust me to help their DD navigate the trivial issues that are on her mind and to bring them in if there's anything major going on. I mean... it takes a village.

BABAHOTEL · 06/02/2022 08:31

@autienotnaughty

I'd have no issue with it but would expect sil to check with me/oh first. I agree that you don't want your children thinking it's ok for adults to communicate with out you knowing. I'd talk to dd and explain it's ok because you and oh know about it but she must always check first.

Sometimes it's very important for young people to have access to a safe other adult. I'm not sure why anyone would object and want to stop It.

heyitsthistle · 06/02/2022 08:35

Just take away the iPad and get a house phone if it bothers you so much.

Chesneyhawkes1 · 06/02/2022 08:36

My DSS is 9. We iMessage each other. I send photos of the dogs.

He sends random questions about hedgehogs at unearthly hours and dinner requests for when he's staying.

YABU

JustLyra · 06/02/2022 09:32

Sometimes it's very important for young people to have access to a safe other adult. I'm not sure why anyone would object and want to stop
It.

And adult that repeatedly pushes in the way the SIL has isn’t teaching children safe access to trusted adults - it’s teaching that some adults can ignore your parents safety measures for internet stuff and that’s ok, which it’s not.

If this was an uncle replies would be very different.

BABAHOTEL · 06/02/2022 09:50

@JustLyra

Sometimes it's very important for young people to have access to a safe other adult. I'm not sure why anyone would object and want to stop It.

And adult that repeatedly pushes in the way the SIL has isn’t teaching children safe access to trusted adults - it’s teaching that some adults can ignore your parents safety measures for internet stuff and that’s ok, which it’s not.

If this was an uncle replies would be very different.

The child's father is happy with it, the mother needs to accept that.

ldontWanna · 06/02/2022 10:19

The child's father is happy with it, the mother needs to accept that.

Does that apply to everything?

JustLyra · 06/02/2022 10:35

The child's father is happy with it, the mother needs to accept that.

I’m interested - why does the father have the casting vote?

Why not “the mother isn’t happy so the father needs to accept that?”

BABAHOTEL · 06/02/2022 11:28

@JustLyra

The child's father is happy with it, the mother needs to accept that.

I’m interested - why does the father have the casting vote?

Why not “the mother isn’t happy so the father needs to accept that?”

Because the mother is being unreasonable in this case, it's his sister and his choice.

BABAHOTEL · 06/02/2022 11:33

@ldontWanna

The child's father is happy with it, the mother needs to accept that.

Does that apply to everything?

No, but when it involves his family, I think it's right for his input.

Can you imagine the outrage the other way round?

Kindlethefourth · 06/02/2022 11:39

This really does depend on any other issues with SIL. We have a different issue in that my SIL keeps sending my teen DDs invitations to follow/friend on Instagram/fb and they won't accept her as she is likely to post ridiculous things on there and embarrass them-something which I and DH have experienced so we are fully supportive of their choices to block/decline.

easyluckyfree · 06/02/2022 11:46

If my brother’s wife decided for absolutely no reason I couldn’t be trusted to have my niece’s phone number, I feel like I’d probably never spend time with the wife again beyond what was absolutely necessary. It’s like, a completely insane response unless there is a backstory here as to why you don’t trust her.

However, if I was told no I just wouldn’t try again.

sopsmum · 06/02/2022 12:08

I think you are being unreasonable, but, my mil has my children's numbers and it drives me insane that she facetimes the kids at really inconvenient times such as when they should be doing their homework or going to bed. I don't say anything as
It would cause a massive row but I do think it's polite to ask parents when would be a convenient time and mot just ring when you feel like it - not least so I'm not just out of the shower in a towel whilst my children are FaceTiming!! I've given up though as my eldest is now a teen and glued to the phone with her friends. She probably wouldn't answer to grandma!

mummykel16 · 06/02/2022 12:27

@JustLyra

I’d be really pissed off at an adult doing that through my 9yo rather than me.

Especially if we had, as we have had with all the kids, that they have to ask us before adding any contacts to any accounts they have.

Other adults shouldn’t circumnavigate what you have set up, even if they disagree, as teaching kids that they can ignore their parents when it comes to internet safety isn’t good at all. And since kids are more likely to come to harm from people known to them it definitely shouldn’t be encouraged by anyone close to the child.

Don’t get me wrong, I’d allow my SIL to be added, but she shouldn’t have gone about it like that. Especially adding details more than once - even if she thought your stance was ridiculous she should t have just done it again.

This

Hdhr8jsj · 06/02/2022 12:56

I've always spoken directly to my nieces and nephews. I even speak to one of my friends Foster kids via her ipad.

I don't understand your worry.