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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ok to allow family members message you kids

120 replies

ABC123000WTF · 03/02/2022 19:08

SIL keeps putting her contact details in my daughters iPad so they can message and FaceTime without my permission. I feel like it is manipulative and teaching my child to be deceitful. I have told them both it is not ok and if they want to communicate they can do so through my or my DH phone. Her iPad message and FaceTime are to communicate with her best friend only. She is only 9 and I think once you open the door she will invite others to communicate with her without my permission too. My DH thinks I’m irrational, am I?

OP posts:
WonderfulYou · 03/02/2022 20:38

YABVU and controlling.

You’re absolutely right about not adding strangers but family members are completely different.

You can tell DD to tell you before she FaceTimes her so you’re not walking around naked in the background Smile

VainAbigail · 03/02/2022 20:40

You want your daughter to ask for permission to speak to her aunt?

Would you have this issue if she wanted to talk to your own sibling?

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/02/2022 20:40

Unless your SIL is a racist, or something equally objectionable, your are being ridiculous.

Its great for children to have safe relationships with adults.

HereComesTheMum · 03/02/2022 20:45

Oh god I love it when my kids message relatives. The little nuggets you get are joyful!

Halfwreckedbykids · 03/02/2022 20:47

Mone get phone when they're 12.
I put all my family numbers in it and send my kids numbers to them.
From a safety point of view I want my kids to be able to call their aunties and grandparents. (They are teens so they don't use them. World revolves around them)
Your dd is 9 so I get it's different and I was against Snapchat etc for years but as they grow up the anxiety is less and if mine get stuck I want them to have ice numbers...in case of emergency numbers.
Also I ve key numbers, my sister and dh and myself...regardless of the mode of the phone our numbers will ring.
The whole ft, phone, privacy thing at this age is hard. I found it hard at 12, 9 was young for me but covid changed that...any connection was good...he'll I bought a second ps so my kids had access to their friends...something I thought I d never do

Bakewelltart987 · 03/02/2022 20:51

So you allow dc to speak with other kids but not with her auntie how strange!!

Branleuse · 03/02/2022 20:53

Its her aunt. I dont see the issue

OfstedOffred · 03/02/2022 20:55

Yabu.

If you are this careful about your child's communication access etc dont give a 9 year old their own iPad to use unsupervised in the first place

mummykel16 · 03/02/2022 20:57

@ABC123000WTF

SIL keeps putting her contact details in my daughters iPad so they can message and FaceTime without my permission. I feel like it is manipulative and teaching my child to be deceitful. I have told them both it is not ok and if they want to communicate they can do so through my or my DH phone. Her iPad message and FaceTime are to communicate with her best friend only. She is only 9 and I think once you open the door she will invite others to communicate with her without my permission too. My DH thinks I’m irrational, am I?
Yanbu, you are the parent it's your choice
MegaClutterSlut · 03/02/2022 21:01

My brothers and inlaws contact the dcs all the time. Didn't cross my mind for one second that they were being manipulative or to ban them Confused it comes off really controlling imo

mummykel16 · 03/02/2022 21:09

@MegaClutterSlut

My brothers and inlaws contact the dcs all the time. Didn't cross my mind for one second that they were being manipulative or to ban them Confused it comes off really controlling imo
It's manipulative to get the DD doing what she was told not to do. Undermining a parent won't encourage them to trust you.
AddingMustard · 03/02/2022 21:09

I think YABU because you haven't set her iPad up so that you have to approve contacts being added. How can your SIL add her details without your permission? Does she know your screen control password or don't you have one (in which case your Dd could add anyone and you wouldn't know).

I don't see any problem with her being able to message your SIL providing you normally get on with her! My Dc have their GP's, each other and DH and me as contacts. It's good for them to learn their way around with family before adding friends, I think. We've already had a few "I didn't mean to send that to you " instances and being unkind to sibling etc discussions.

HappyAsASandboy · 03/02/2022 21:13

My kids have all their extended family in their phones; grandparents, aunts, godparents ..... they collected everyone's phone numbers with excitement in the first few weeks of having a phone.

They use WhatApp to chat with them all (sporadically). Random "good morning" messages ping in from their adult support network, and I see it all as a way of them speaking to safe adults about anything they might not feel able to come to me/DH about. The more safe adults they're able to communicate with the better, surely? And the more channels they have, the more chance they'll find one that feels less awkward if there's anything they want to tell someone? They can email and leave those short voice recording messages on WhatsApp too.

Tee20x · 03/02/2022 21:15

Why can she contact her friend and not her aunt? Why do they need your permission? Would you feel the same if it was your own sister?

Mad tbh

Mommabear20 · 03/02/2022 21:23

My sister doesn't bother with my kids so I'd consider yourself and your DD lucky that you're SIL wants to message her!

MeredithGreyishblue · 03/02/2022 21:25

How the flip is it deceitful?

Odd

BellatricksStrange · 03/02/2022 21:25

Assuming SIL is an adult, YANBU. Adults should have adult friends. I'd find it a red flag too.

shouldistop · 03/02/2022 21:26

@BellatricksStrange

Assuming SIL is an adult, YANBU. Adults should have adult friends. I'd find it a red flag too.
Whatttt? You'd find it a red flag an aunt speaking to her niece?! What kind of family do you have?
Spidey66 · 03/02/2022 21:29

Btw I have my 11 year old nieces number . I send her occasional pics of the dog.

SC215 · 03/02/2022 21:29

"I have told them both it is not ok and if they want to communicate they can do so through my or my DH phone."

Wow. What did your SIL say to that? I'd be pretty hurt by that.

BoredZelda · 03/02/2022 21:31

Whatttt? You'd find it a red flag an aunt speaking to her niece?! What kind of family do you have?

Exactly. My sister and my daughter spend ages on face time. She lives 200 miles away so loves to be able to catch up with her. My daughter and her granny also face time all the time. It’s great they can keep in touch.

ldontWanna · 03/02/2022 21:34

Did she ask or involve you or her dad at any point?

You say she keeps doing it. Does that mean she did it once , you said no /deleted her contact info and then she did it again?

That would piss me off. While I do think it's unreasonable on your part to deny them this contact, once you made it clear it's a no, her doing it again and without your knowledge is a breach of trust and boundaries.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/02/2022 21:35

My sil and dd message and FaceTime. If I wanted to see the messages she would show me though so not secretive but I don't need to know everything either. I said to her if there's ever anything you're worried about but feel embarrassed to tell me I'd be happy to know you can talk to your aunties about it. I trust my sil's to tell me though if I needed to know.

newbie987 · 03/02/2022 21:35

My ds's have a few close family contacts on their devices, if their DN FaceTimes and we are busy they don't answer, they read and reply to messages when they get their device time (which is once ready for school if they have time, and after homework is all done in the week) - mine are 5&6.
My SIL sends them the odd message, I'd be happy if she rang to speak to them more regularly...it's something we encouraged during lockdowns.

Mellowyellow222 · 03/02/2022 21:35

This one made my blood boil.

There is no danger surely - is her auntie abusive?

Why are you treating this woman like a predator?

My neice is the same age - we FaceTime and email occasionally - it’s lovely! My sister has no concerns about what I am saying and I dont get permission.

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