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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it ok to allow family members message you kids

120 replies

ABC123000WTF · 03/02/2022 19:08

SIL keeps putting her contact details in my daughters iPad so they can message and FaceTime without my permission. I feel like it is manipulative and teaching my child to be deceitful. I have told them both it is not ok and if they want to communicate they can do so through my or my DH phone. Her iPad message and FaceTime are to communicate with her best friend only. She is only 9 and I think once you open the door she will invite others to communicate with her without my permission too. My DH thinks I’m irrational, am I?

OP posts:
milkysmum · 03/02/2022 21:46

Unless there is a back story you haven't mentioned I'd say you were being unreasonable on this one. My sister has her contact details in both my kids phones - she calls / face times them occasionally- no issue at all.

mathanxiety · 03/02/2022 22:22

Are you this difficult, controlling, and irrational in any other aspects of your daughter's life?

Because if you are, I think I know why your SIL gave DD her contact details.

Sit down with your H and ask him to tell you when you are going off the deep end in future. Ask him if there are any aspects of your parenting that are bothering him at the moment too.

Cas112 · 03/02/2022 22:23

Your being really irrational

Kite22 · 03/02/2022 22:26

Without a yet to be revealed massive back story, I agree with most - YABU.
Messaging a trusted adult is a much more comfortable thought than a 9 yr old being able to message a friend unsupervised, IMO.

SpikeySmooth · 03/02/2022 22:34

I text my DNeice and DNephew, have done since they were each 11???

DD texts her DNan, her cousins and other family. Her step-nan still rings my phone to talk to her and I have to remind her DD has her own phone now.

Pishup · 03/02/2022 22:38

That's just weird! The first thing I did when my kids got phones was put grandparents and aunties and uncles details in as adults thaty children could trust.

JammyRascal · 03/02/2022 22:39

Some of my favourite memories are times with my aunties! And it's the same with my nieces and nephews. So if I were you I'd encourage this, rather than find fault in it!

BooksAndHooks · 03/02/2022 22:47

My SIL and DD send photos or message regularly. Nothing wrong with that. There’s a huge difference between contacting family and adding strangers.

Didioverstep · 03/02/2022 22:49

My kids have my sils number and I her kids numbers. I thought that was normal. We all chat to each other! My 3 year old has called her whilst playing with my phone. I have a symbol in front of her name so she knows it's her. She says I'm calling aunty. Never seen an issue with it

BABAHOTEL · 04/02/2022 07:20

@BellatricksStrange

Assuming SIL is an adult, YANBU. Adults should have adult friends. I'd find it a red flag too.
A Red flag!

So what do you think will happen???

I wonder how some people make it through life!

Briony123 · 04/02/2022 07:21

In the olden days we had landlines and whoever answered the phone would often have a chat with the person on the other end. No permission required!

RonCarlos · 04/02/2022 07:25

Jesus, a red flag? As an aunt I am so heartened to see the majority don't agree.

sammylady37 · 04/02/2022 07:30

Yanbu, you are the parent it's your choice

The op’s husband is also the parent so presumably he has the right to choose too? And he doesn’t agree with the op.

Missey85 · 04/02/2022 08:01

YABU what's wrong with her speaking to her auntie? She's not speaking to strangers

Katieandthekids · 04/02/2022 09:54

So weird... why wouldn't it be ok for her to chat to her Aunt?

sundaydayisnotmyfundayday · 04/02/2022 10:23

My (very separate from my parents) relationship with my aunt had a massive impact on who I am. Please don't deprive your child of that. It's important that you allow them to figure out how to interact with people without you and surely that starts with those you trust?

AndAnotherNewOne · 04/02/2022 10:26

Very controlling behaviour. I chatted to the kids in our family - it's perfectly normal.

Are you always this paranoid?

WalkingOnTheCracks · 05/02/2022 20:55

@BellatricksStrange

Assuming SIL is an adult, YANBU. Adults should have adult friends. I'd find it a red flag too.
.....I'm rather concerned about your family.
mummykel16 · 05/02/2022 21:00

@sammylady37

Yanbu, you are the parent it's your choice

The op’s husband is also the parent so presumably he has the right to choose too? And he doesn’t agree with the op.

True which the parents can discuss, doesn't give anyone the right to undermine mother.
BABAHOTEL · 05/02/2022 21:06

True which the parents can discuss, doesn't give anyone the right to undermine mother.

True but also doesn't give anyone the right to undermine father and call mother out as batshit crazy!

BitcherOfBlakiven · 05/02/2022 21:10

YABVU.

It’s important for children to have close relationships with family members that aren’t their parents.

FortniteBoysMum · 05/02/2022 21:46

My boys have all their aunts and uncles in their phones etc. We live long distance from most so it helps them build and maintain relationships with them as well as their cousins.

Blueeilidh · 05/02/2022 21:50

I don't really understand the issue. Firstly what's wrong with your daughter and her aunt talking and secondly if you're daughter is 9 I would expect you to be monitoring the iPad so therefore checking the messages and for anyone else she might converse with.

Kitkat151 · 05/02/2022 21:56

Very controlling behaviour.....you should be glad your SIL has such a bond with your daughter

mummykel16 · 05/02/2022 22:04

@ABC123000WTF

SIL keeps putting her contact details in my daughters iPad so they can message and FaceTime without my permission. I feel like it is manipulative and teaching my child to be deceitful. I have told them both it is not ok and if they want to communicate they can do so through my or my DH phone. Her iPad message and FaceTime are to communicate with her best friend only. She is only 9 and I think once you open the door she will invite others to communicate with her without my permission too. My DH thinks I’m irrational, am I?
Just remove the iPad until sil realises you make the rules not her.

What else is she undermining you on?