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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not invite these people to my wedding?

115 replies

inviteweddings3774 · 03/02/2022 13:08

looking to get married next year. we’re on a very tight budget but this will not change anytime soon so waiting even longer is not the answer.

the place i’m looking at has a set package for 30 people which we can afford. aibu to only invite the people i really get on with and e.g. not their partners. for example i don’t get on with my BIL - he’s controlling and manipulative and i don’t want to pay extra or have him take up the space of someone else. or my cousins partners - never really speak to or see their partners, is it okay to not invite them?

and yes before anyone says i’d love to elope just me and my partner but he wants family there

OP posts:

Gizlotsmum · 03/02/2022 13:10

BIL as married to a sibling or BIL as husbands to be brother? Either way I can see that causing issues, cousins partners less so

TeenPlusCat · 03/02/2022 13:11

I think not inviting your BIL could cause repercussions for years to come.
Cousins partners are less of an issue provided it is explained sensitively..

FionnulaTheCooler · 03/02/2022 13:11

Its your wedding so you can invite who you like. That said, I think it would be seen as strange not to have your sibling's spouses there. Cousin's partners not so much, I have a lot of cousins and haven't even met half of their partners.

WomanStanleyWoman · 03/02/2022 13:12

For cousins, if they’re not particularly close, I would say that unfortunately due to limited numbers you cannot invite partners.

For a BIL, I’d be more worried about the fallout. I’m assuming sibling’s husband rather than your fiancé’s brother, given that it’s you deciding whether to invite him? Do you really want to make such a big point to your sibling?

Lindy2 · 03/02/2022 13:13

I think not inviting your BIL could be awkward. After all, he's pretty much immediate family.

Partners of cousins I think would be fine to not invite, especially if you explain to your cousins that there will only be 30 people attending.

Cousins are not as immediate family as your BIL and their partners are obviously a step even further back on their direct relationship to you.

Original poster

inviteweddings3774 · 03/02/2022 13:13

yes it’s my sisters fiancé

OP posts:

Original poster

inviteweddings3774 · 03/02/2022 13:14

it’s not so much the money it’s more that i just don’t get on with him

OP posts:

FelicityPike · 03/02/2022 13:14

@inviteweddings3774

yes it’s my sisters fiancé

So you explain that he’s not your BIL yet. Personally I would invite him……but it’s your call.

sadpapercourtesan · 03/02/2022 13:15

Well you can - but it depends on whether your dream wedding is important enough to you to be worth blowing up family relationships over, possibly permanently.

You'll have lots of people telling you it's your wedding, your choice. You don't have to invite anyone you don't like. But you are talking about excluding the spouses of quite close family members because you don't like them - do they already know you don't like them? Will you be inviting spouses you do like? It has the potential to cause ructions, and hurt people.

Not inviting spouses you hardly know, of distant family members you rarely see, is a bit different - though even in that instance you should be prepared for the invited party not to want to come.

emmathedilemma · 03/02/2022 13:16

I wouldn't invite my cousins let alone their partners but then we don't see each for years and have never been close! You can invite whoever you like but I think you need to be consistent i.e. you can't invite your SIL but not your BIL and not one cousin's partner but not another's.

Newschapter · 03/02/2022 13:17

I've never understood inviting one half of a married couple to come celebrate you becoming a married couple....

Original poster

inviteweddings3774 · 03/02/2022 13:17

well he would be my BIL by that time as they’re getting married in a few months

OP posts:

Joinedforthis22 · 03/02/2022 13:17

How will your sister feel about that? To be honest if my cousin invited me to her wedding without my husband I wouldn't go and I wouldn't think very much of her BUT I'd get over it, if my sister did it I wouldn't!

PurplePansy05 · 03/02/2022 13:18

I never understand people saying "but, but I want family there". Well if you do, then pay for them. If you can't afford it then either save up and do it properly or like you said OP, elope. Have a lovely dinner with family and friends afterwards to celebrate. I hate half-baked weddings where people clearly cut costs and make things awkward for the guests as a result, a) what's the point and b) you're bound to have some issues as a result. Pointless.

Sharrowgirl · 03/02/2022 13:20

You can do that but it’s going to cause a lot of upset and offence. Is that what you want your wedding to be about?

converseandjeans · 03/02/2022 13:20

I think I would keep to immediate family & do a bit of a party for friends/cousins. You could do something cheap at home or at a local pub. People might be fine with it as they won't have to travel/buy new outfit/stay over somewhere & can just bring you a small gift. Depending on the time of year you could do an outdoor picnic.

I think not inviting future BIL will just cause hassle.

RosesAndHellebores · 03/02/2022 13:22

You need to invite your BIL.
Personally I think you should invite your cousin's partners; otherwise don't invite the cousins.

Don't do what one of DH's cousins did and invite us to the church, told us we weren't important enough cousins for the reception but that we could go to the evening party.

elenacampana · 03/02/2022 13:25

I wouldn’t go to a wedding if my husband wasn’t invited OP and if my sister got married without inviting my husband then I’d really struggle to be around her again. I’d just think it a bit off if a cousin did it, but still wouldn’t go.

ALargeGlassofMalbecPlease · 03/02/2022 13:27

For it to potentially work, it's gonna have to be immediate family only (siblings, parents, close cousins), meaning your future DH's side too or else it's just going to be a massive fall out. But even that is tricky as your BIL will be family by then.
What's your sister's take going to be on the whole thing? I don't particularly get on well with my SIL, nor do I like her very much but she is my brother's wife and if I were to exclude her from my wedding, sure as hell my DB wouldn't turn up either. Same as if they had excluded my DH from their wedding, no way I'd have attended without him.

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 03/02/2022 13:28

Well you can invite/not invite who you want. It’s up to you do deal with the possible fall out. I’d be upset if my sister didn’t invite my husband.

TulipsTwoLips · 03/02/2022 13:29

You need to invite him or face losing the relationship with your sister.

ImJustNotMeAnymore · 03/02/2022 13:31

Only the people who really wanted to be at our wedding came. We had registry office ceremony, then held the reception, as a very low key and informal affair, at my parents house. Several family members wouldn't come because there was no fancy dinner or hotel. We did it our way as we didn't want to start married life with a debt we couldn't afford, and it truly showed up to whom we mattered.

SeasonFinale · 03/02/2022 13:33

How would you feel if you weren't now invited to your sister's wedding? Because I suspect that is what may happen.

I would suck it up and invite BIL but speak to cousins and say numbers restricted so ot won't be partners but we understand if you don't want to attend if that is the case.

I am notnaure there is anyone in our lives whose wedding we would attend alone (save stepkids but let's hope that doesn't happen!)

BobMortimersPetOwl · 03/02/2022 13:34

Ultimately its your wedding so you can invite who you want.

But that doesn't make it less rude to not invite long established partners.

Eightiesfan · 03/02/2022 13:41

It’s your wedding invite whomever you want to. However, if you want your sister there, it would be unlikely she would attend if you do not invite her husband.

30 people is quite intimate, maybe you should not invite family and just invite close friends and partners. I guess it depends how close you are to cousins, aunts etc. If I was getting married, The only family I would invite would be mum, siblings and their partners. I still have memories of DSis wedding where she had to exclude some of her friends because our mum insisted that some random cousin or aunt we hadn’t seen for 20 years had to be invited (with their +1) because it would “look” bad!

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