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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite these people to my wedding?

115 replies

inviteweddings3774 · 03/02/2022 13:08

looking to get married next year. we’re on a very tight budget but this will not change anytime soon so waiting even longer is not the answer.

the place i’m looking at has a set package for 30 people which we can afford. aibu to only invite the people i really get on with and e.g. not their partners. for example i don’t get on with my BIL - he’s controlling and manipulative and i don’t want to pay extra or have him take up the space of someone else. or my cousins partners - never really speak to or see their partners, is it okay to not invite them?

and yes before anyone says i’d love to elope just me and my partner but he wants family there

OP posts:
TheDivineOddity · 03/02/2022 13:46

If those are the constrictions with that venue then it's not suitable for your wedding, the fallout will last for years.

Either go away to get married or find another venue.

Moretodo · 03/02/2022 13:47

I voted yanbu, it's 49/51 yanbu at the moment... Screen shot the vote and send it out with the invites.
If anyone has a problem, they can ask us 51% to explain 😁

The vote does show how tricky this one is.

sanbeiji · 03/02/2022 13:49

Your BIL is immediate family. Like it or not you should invite him.
Cousins’ partners it’s ok. As long as it’s same for everyone

Longdistance · 03/02/2022 13:50

Are you invited to your ds wedding? If yes, it’ll be awkward not inviting bil, if you’re not invited to there’s, I wouldn’t invite them.
As for the cousin thing, I’d rather invite close friends.

1FootInTheRave · 03/02/2022 13:50

So you want to celebrate your marriage whilst simultaneously choosing to ignore the marriages of others.

Wouldn't bother attending and don't be surprised if you end up with a huge family fall-out.

TidyDancer · 03/02/2022 13:54

Some people are really stuffy about this stuff but I do think there are certain exceptions to things like this. BIL I think you are going to have to invite, and he would be ahead of the cousins. Cousins you could invite without partners as long as it is explained why and applied to all with no exceptions.

The option I would go for if funds were quite limited would be a tiny registry office do with just parents and then a party with everyone.

toastofthetown · 03/02/2022 13:55

I’d say it’s pretty poor etiquette to not invite partners of close friends and family, unless the wedding is immediate family only, and with a guest list of 30 that doesn’t apply. If your are inviting people as a group (work colleagues, netball team, dozens of cousins etc.) then it’s fine not to invite partners as they have each other. But closer than that seems a deliberate snub. While it’s your wedding and of course you can invite who you want, that doesn’t mean that other people can’t feel or react how they want in response to that.

Justcallmebebes · 03/02/2022 13:57

Is your fiancé invited to your sister's wedding?

If my OH wasn't invited to a close family member's wedding I'm afraid I wouldn't go

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2022 13:57

@inviteweddings3774

it’s not so much the money it’s more that i just don’t get on with him
Well you absolutely won't if you don't invite him (or your sister either)
thecatsthecats · 03/02/2022 13:58

@Newschapter

I've never understood inviting one half of a married couple to come celebrate you becoming a married couple....
I've never understood the gap of understanding that some have that being married means that you are, in fact, still separate human beings.

I couldn't give less than a shit about not seeing two acquaintances of my husband say some words to each other. It means nothing unless you're friends with the couple.

RantyAunty · 03/02/2022 14:03

Does your sister know how you feel about him?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 03/02/2022 14:05

It's your wedding, invite who you like however expect for there to be a falling out over not inviting your BIL.

Returnoftheowl · 03/02/2022 14:06

I think not inviting your sister's husband is likely to cause more harm than good.
Are you both invited to their wedding? How would you feel if your fiance wasn't invited to your sister's wedding?

Etinoxaurus · 03/02/2022 14:07

@inviteweddings3774

well he would be my BIL by that time as they’re getting married in a few months
Are you going to their wedding?
Idontliketuesdays · 03/02/2022 14:08

@1FootInTheRave

So you want to celebrate your marriage whilst simultaneously choosing to ignore the marriages of others.

Wouldn't bother attending and don't be surprised if you end up with a huge family fall-out.

This. If I was op’s sister I would not bother with her again ever.
St0rmTr00per · 03/02/2022 14:08

Are you are your DP invited to your BILs upcoming wedding? if so i would invite him or you may upset your sister. not fair but causes less trouble.

St0rmTr00per · 03/02/2022 14:08

are you AND YOUR DP invited that should say

heyitsthistle · 03/02/2022 14:11

Just chat to your sister about it.

Don't worry too much about cousin's partners (and I say that as a person who is very close to my cousins!)

Idontliketuesdays · 03/02/2022 14:12

I have the feeling that quite a few of the 30 chosen ones will try and think of an excuse not to go to your wedding. 😂

MindyStClaire · 03/02/2022 14:12

Not inviting such close family to a wedding is not something the relationship can easily come back from. It's essentially saying you want nothing to do with him or your sister. You're going to cause massive drama and put your parents and any other siblings right in the middle. Don't do it.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/02/2022 14:13

Are you going to their wedding? I think generally YABVU to invite people to celebrate your relationship while excluding their long term partners. I’ve been married twice and never understood people prioritising anything over the people. The venue isn’t suitable if it can’t accommodate the people you’d otherwise have. And eloping will piss a lot fewer people off than the current plan. Your wedding your way blah blah but you’re choosing to make a strong statement and people will resent you for it and won’t forget it in a hurry.

BuanoKubiamVej · 03/02/2022 14:13

It would be a slap in the face to your sister to not invite her newly-wed husband to your wedding. It's a shame that he's an arse but he must have some redeeming qualities or she wouldn't be marrying him.

Yanbu to want a small wedding but excluding spouses of guests is only acceptable when it's guests who are much more distant (eg its fine to invite a few work colleagues without inviting their spouses who you may have never met). When it comes to close family, excluding partners is really rude and it's better to have siblings and their partners but no cousins rather than siblings and cousins without their partners.

midsomermurderess · 03/02/2022 14:16

You can, of course invite who you choose, but you must realise it's likely to cause upset and offence to not invite your sibling's spouse. The fall out could go on for years and cast a shadow on future family events and celebrations.

Winchestercollege · 03/02/2022 14:16

It will cause huge upset and probably put your new PIL in an awful position. Not an easy start to married life. In an ideal world you should be able to do this but that's the reality of the likely fall out. You need to have family or not. It's not the time to reveal which family members you dislike or don't rate, which is what you'd effectively be doing.

Blossom64265 · 03/02/2022 14:16

The only way you could get away with excluding BIL is if you exclude all spouses and only invite the blood relatives. It will still cause family upset, but it may not completely destroy your relationships.

If you exclude just your SILs spouse, you will completely destroy you and your husband’s relationship with SIL and possibly with other members of his family as well.

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