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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not invite these people to my wedding?

115 replies

inviteweddings3774 · 03/02/2022 13:08

looking to get married next year. we’re on a very tight budget but this will not change anytime soon so waiting even longer is not the answer.

the place i’m looking at has a set package for 30 people which we can afford. aibu to only invite the people i really get on with and e.g. not their partners. for example i don’t get on with my BIL - he’s controlling and manipulative and i don’t want to pay extra or have him take up the space of someone else. or my cousins partners - never really speak to or see their partners, is it okay to not invite them?

and yes before anyone says i’d love to elope just me and my partner but he wants family there

OP posts:

Cakecakecheese · 03/02/2022 15:53

I don't like my sister's husband but when I got married he was invited for the simple reason that if he wasn't then she wouldn't come and I wanted her there.

AcrossthePond55 · 03/02/2022 15:53

You can do whatever you want. You just have to be willing to face the consequences of having done so.

You don't want your BiL there? You are perfectly entitled to not invite him. Personally, I wouldn't want anyone I didn't like at such a personal event. But you have to be willing to accept the fallout. If he is abusive and controlling with your sister, you have to be willing to accept the fallout that she will probably get from him if she accepts your invitation or that she'll decline to save herself from grief. If you have peace with that, then don't invite him.

As far as cousins, it depends, doesn't it? In my side of the extended family it wouldn't be a problem to exclude partners if it was explained that it was limited numbers to save money. My extended family is BIG on living within one's means and would applaud you for keeping to a budget. My DH's extended family, on the other hand would choose to be offended and the 'slight' and 'disrespect'. So again, how is your family going to react and do you want to deal with the fallout?

Teeturtle · 03/02/2022 15:56

@inviteweddings3774

well he would be my BIL by that time as they’re getting married in a few months

You are seriously considering not inviting your sister’s husband to your wedding?

If you want your wedding to be remembered as the occasion that cause irreparable family rifts then knock yourself out.

TheOrigRights · 03/02/2022 15:59

YABU

theemmadilemma · 03/02/2022 16:03

Unless you make it immediate family, no partners of immediate family, then you're making a very clear statement.

Which is fine. As long as you're ok with the pending fall out...

SartresSoul · 03/02/2022 16:04

I would expect people not to turn up if their partner’s aren’t invited.

JuneWind · 03/02/2022 16:04

I don’t think you can not invite your BIL.

How would you feel if your sister didn’t invite your DH to her wedding?

blubberyboo · 03/02/2022 16:06

You need to either invite your BIL or make it a blanket thing that the partners of none of yours or DHs siblings attend.

Unfortunately there isn’t a written rule that the people our siblings choose to marry have to be likeable to us. This is about your relationship and respect towards your sister not to her fiancé

Bellyups · 03/02/2022 16:07

Either invite couples or don’t invite either of them.

affairsofdragons · 03/02/2022 16:08

@1FootInTheRave

So you want to celebrate your marriage whilst simultaneously choosing to ignore the marriages of others.

Wouldn't bother attending and don't be surprised if you end up with a huge family fall-out.

This

DSGR · 03/02/2022 16:11

Of course you need to invite your sister’s husband. Unless you’re happy with her never speaking to you again?

gelert5619 · 03/02/2022 16:16

Is there someone who's attending and you can trust to keep an eye on the BIL to ensure he behaves on the day and if he begins to be his natural awful self, to steer him away somehow. I know your priority is your own wedding, as it should be, but it would be useful to keep communication open with your sister for the future. I don't mean for you to rescue her from the relationship but there's a high risk of BIL cutting her off from her family. Sorry if it sounds as if I'm saying that you should be responsible for her as I don't mean that. Enjoy your special day.

WhereYouLeftIt · 03/02/2022 16:33

@inviteweddings3774

looking to get married next year. we’re on a very tight budget but this will not change anytime soon so waiting even longer is not the answer.

and yes before anyone says i’d love to elope just me and my partner but he wants family there

A wedding celebrates the joining of two people into a couple. And you're thinking of celebrating that joining - by splitting other couples up for the day?

RalphLaurenG · 03/02/2022 16:36

That would be rude in my opinion. There are certain social codes that should be followed, one of which is inviting partners to weddings even if you don't like them.

musicviking1 · 03/02/2022 16:38

Inviting one half of a couple is rude. If my husbands family only invited him and not me; his partner of 22 years I'd take it personally. If my sister only invited me and not my husband I wouldn't go.

toastofthetown · 03/02/2022 16:41

@1FootInTheRave

So you want to celebrate your marriage whilst simultaneously choosing to ignore the marriages of others.

Wouldn't bother attending and don't be surprised if you end up with a huge family fall-out.

The couple are celebrating their marriage, not having a party dedicated to marriage as an institution.

AlternativePerspective · 03/02/2022 16:47

So you explain that he’s not your BIL yet. are people really that pedantic that a cohabiting couple are considered to be less than a married one, and that if you live with someone then they don’t deserve the same place in the family as if you were married to them? What about if they have children?

Sorry but what a load of crap. BIL is a technical term and while it officially describes someone’s husband, in truth the fact that so many couples are no longer married means the term has now evolved to describe someone’s long-term, and live-in partner.

OP you can’t not invite your BIL. He’s part of your family now, that means you have to have him present at many other events as well. While we do get to dislike family that doesn’t mean we should exclude them. And by not inviting him you are making a very clear statement. Would you be happy to lose the relationship with the rest of your family over it? Bearing in mind that the rest of your family could side with your sister?

Be very careful here that you don’t turn yourself into the outcast.

HomeHomeInTheRange · 03/02/2022 16:48

You can’t not invite your BIL.

And it’s likely that cousins won’t come if you don’t invite their wives and husbands.

Your wedding is supposed to celebrate the start of a happy life as a family, not kick off the start of a family division and feud!

If you are short of money just find an alternative format. Village hall and chip van. Registry office and all go to the pub. Destination wedding with only parents in attendance. Or whatever.

SpilltheTea · 03/02/2022 17:12

I wouldn't be offended if DH got invited and not me. It's really childish. Everyone knows how expensive weddings are and spaces can be very limited. Unless the partners are also close to the couple, I don't get why people get in such a strop over it.

NumberTheory · 03/02/2022 18:24

Obviously you can invite who you want and only who you want, so this is about the social ramifications of inviting some people but not others.

If you pick and choose in the way you seem to be suggesting, you are likely to increase bad feeling in the family that will last for many years. Which is not usually what people want out of a wedding.

Slighting the partner of someone you love enough to invite to a really small wedding will likely damage your relationship with the person you love, not just their partner.

Whether the lack of an invite is seen as a slight will depend on a lot of things. Some of those are just individual - if there is no pretense or civility between you anyway, your sister knows this and doesn’t care and is happy to, for instance, come to your birthday party on her own or come over for sunday lunch without him and she laughs the whole thing off, acknowledging that you are chalk and cheese and probably shouldn’t spend time together, then you may be able to buck the trend if you talk to your sister about it (but you may not, weddings are a bit different).

But assuming you have some sort of attempt at civility for your sister’s sake, and he hasn’t done something outrageous that would change most people’s opinion, then you can’t leave him off if you invite other peope’s fiancés or, I think, if you ask people another degree removed. You can probably get away with it if you are only inviting parents and siblings (and maybe grandparents). But aunts, uncles, cousins, non-relatives or anyone else’s partner and I think your wedding would be the source of family drama and ill feeling that negates the point of having guests.

Original poster

inviteweddings3774 · 03/02/2022 20:23

some of the responses on here confuse me! so i should spend £70 per person inviting people i have said about 2 words to in the last year?

i understand BIL and will invite him but cousins are my friends however i literally never see their partners. 2 of them i haven’t even met their long term partners

OP posts:

BiscuitLover3678 · 03/02/2022 20:26

You can only invite 30 people. Invite your best 30 people. It’s such a small number I wouldn’t expect to be invited to something like that unless I was really close to them. If he gets annoyed he’s an idiot, which it sounds like he is anyway.

This is your day so please enjoy it!

BiscuitLover3678 · 03/02/2022 20:27

You don’t need to invite partners for such a small wedding!

Original poster

inviteweddings3774 · 03/02/2022 21:30

[quote Crunchymum]@inviteweddings3774

Is your DP invited to your sisters wedding?

Whay do you mean when you say you don't get along with BIL? You don't like him or there have been actual incidents?

Does your sister know how you feel about her partner?[/quote]
there have been actual incidents that make me very uncomfortable around him

OP posts:

NumberTheory · 03/02/2022 21:34

@inviteweddings3774

some of the responses on here confuse me! so i should spend £70 per person inviting people i have said about 2 words to in the last year?

i understand BIL and will invite him but cousins are my friends however i literally never see their partners. 2 of them i haven’t even met their long term partners

I think most people think if you are going to invite someone, instead of spending 70 on them and not invite their partner, you should go for a lower budget alternative and spend 35 on each.

I think you can invite cousins without partners so long as you aren't also inviting a bunch of people you rarely see, or Great Aunt Edna who isn't really an aunt but your mum's Bowls partner, or whatever. Even then, if you invite them and don't invite their partner you should expect a higher rate of non-attendance.

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