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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not invite these people to my wedding?

115 replies

inviteweddings3774 · 03/02/2022 13:08

looking to get married next year. we’re on a very tight budget but this will not change anytime soon so waiting even longer is not the answer.

the place i’m looking at has a set package for 30 people which we can afford. aibu to only invite the people i really get on with and e.g. not their partners. for example i don’t get on with my BIL - he’s controlling and manipulative and i don’t want to pay extra or have him take up the space of someone else. or my cousins partners - never really speak to or see their partners, is it okay to not invite them?

and yes before anyone says i’d love to elope just me and my partner but he wants family there

OP posts:
lapasion · 03/02/2022 14:17

Unfortunately I don’t think you can leave BIL out. Cousins partners, yes, but don’t feel obliged to invite cousins who you aren’t close to.

If you’re a couple of people over the 30, you can usually pay a per person price to add them to the package.

Crunchymum · 03/02/2022 14:19

@inviteweddings3774

Is your DP invited to your sisters wedding?

Whay do you mean when you say you don't get along with BIL? You don't like him or there have been actual incidents?

Does your sister know how you feel about her partner?

Beautiful3 · 03/02/2022 14:20

You could, but it wouldn't be nice. Could cause a rift/fall out.

Shadappayourface · 03/02/2022 14:20

I know people who don't get on with certain (immediate) family members and didn't invite them to their wedding or to only part of the wedding and the repercussions of this are still ongoing 10 years later. I know somebody who didn't invite their sibling to the main wedding due to a small bicker that had happened years earlier, as a result the father was offended and also decided not to come to the wedding, so they lost contact with not only their sibling but their Dad.

You have to wonder whether it was worth losing both those relationships to prove a point?

I don't like one of my in-law members (we haven't spoken to each other for years and it's no secret in the family that we don't like each other) but invited them to my wedding to keep the peace.

You have to weigh up whether you would rather deal with the pain of having him at your wedding for one day of your life or deal with the potential fall-out for however long afterwards.

JustSmallFry · 03/02/2022 14:23

We had a small wedding. We invited: my parents (his are dead), his uncle, my uncle and aunt. Our sisters and their spouses. Our nephews and nieces. One cousin each. Our best friends and their spouses. Where there were children, these were invited too. There were 45 guests and it was lovely.

Your numbers are a bit lower than ours. We could have had up to 60, but we chose to have only 45. Maybe reducing the number you invite could help you make your choices.

But, I think you risk a massive diplomatic incident by not inviting your BIL.

I hope you have a lovely day whatever you decide!

Harrysmummy246 · 03/02/2022 14:26

I've been to weddings without now DH- he was invited each time, but for various reasons such as work or family commitments (disabled MIL needing transport), I went solo.
Doesn't mean I wouldn't have been pissed off if he wasn't invited mind you....

You know full well you need to invite your sister's then husband or it will cause family grief.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 03/02/2022 14:31

I would have thought that the DH of a sibling trumps cousins.

Of course, if you want to piss off your sister and therefore probably your parents too and cause a rift that might see you out in the cold, then leave out the BiL. It doesn’t matter that you don’t like him much. You don’t have to talk to him or have anything to do with him.

Wexone · 03/02/2022 14:33

I think it will cause serious issues that could last for years if you don't invite him. think about it how much interaction will you have with him on the day etc. I don't particularly like one of my brothers wives, however she is invited to my wedding, weather i like her or not she is part of my immediate family so she is invited to family birthdays etc. If the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel if you weren't invite or your spouse. Cousins are a different kettle of fish

gogohm · 03/02/2022 14:39

In all honesty, you need to find a cheap venue that means you won't have to make such decisions. Not inviting your bil is plainly wrong, ditto cousins partners if in properly established relationships. Why not consider a registry office and function room with buffet, have a party

Drinkingallthewine · 03/02/2022 14:41

@inviteweddings3774

yes it’s my sisters fiancé
As long as you are fine with your DH being left out of her wedding or you being left out because he doesn't want people he dislikes at his wedding...?
Sportsnight · 03/02/2022 14:51

It’s basically announcing that you don’t like them, openly and in front of everyone you know. I suspect they’ll be a combination of hurt and embarrassed and they won’t get over it quickly. I could not live with the fall out from that, which is why no-one knows I don’t like my BIL Grin

WouldBeGood · 03/02/2022 15:01

@converseandjeans

I think I would keep to immediate family & do a bit of a party for friends/cousins. You could do something cheap at home or at a local pub. People might be fine with it as they won't have to travel/buy new outfit/stay over somewhere & can just bring you a small gift. Depending on the time of year you could do an outdoor picnic.

I think not inviting future BIL will just cause hassle.

This.

Saves a lot of trouble

lovemelongtime · 03/02/2022 15:13

I wouldnt go to a wedding without my partner or a plus 1 - a wedding is a fun event and nice to be invited to but you dont really want to show up on your own.

Electriq · 03/02/2022 15:16

I mean, invite who you want there, but expect some fireworks.

toomuchlaundry · 03/02/2022 15:21

We had a small wedding, slightly larger than yours. We went friends over family, so only parents and siblings and their partners invited. Didn't invite any aunts, uncles, cousins etc.

Don't think you cannot invite your BIL, but unless you are pretty close to your cousins I wouldn't invite them. We just wanted people we were in regular contact with

Ozanj · 03/02/2022 15:24

It seems like you can’t afford the party if you can’t provide socially acceptable invitations. Just have family only at the ceremony - no need for the party afterwards.

nokidshere · 03/02/2022 15:30

I got married on a Friday at the register office. I invited all my 5 sisters and my mum. I didn't invite any of their husbands or children. Everyone came, no one was bothered and we had a lovely day.

We did the register office and then had a buffet back at our house that we had all prepared before we left. Afterwards I left them all at my house for the night and we went to a hotel.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 03/02/2022 15:36

You say the 'place you're looking at' which sounds like you haven't booked it yet. Are there other options which would be acceptable for you and your budget but allow a few more people? Sorry, but I don't think you can omit your BIL even though you don't like him as it will ruin relations with your sister and possibly your parents too.

Or how about hiring a community hall, and doing the catering yourselves? You can buy in much cheaper booze, and get a caterer to provide a buffet and all the serving stuff needed. We did this, had a registry office wedding then went to the community hall which we'd decorated the day before. A friend made the cake as their gift to us, other friends did the music and photos, and family went in next morning to un-decorate and tidy up the hall. It was lovely, and we were able to have twice as many people as a set package. Just a thought.

ClawedButler · 03/02/2022 15:39

Well, I do get that it is your wedding, and you can invite who you like.

However, you do have to weigh up what's more important to you:
A - not having to spend a few hours in the presence of your soon-to-be-BIL, in a crowded room on a VERY busy day where you will probably not spend more than a few minutes in his direct company
B - risk hurting and angering your sister, pissing off her husband, bewildering other relatives and being labelled a bridezilla for the sake of one day.

sydenhamhiller · 03/02/2022 15:46

@ImJustNotMeAnymore

Only the people who really wanted to be at our wedding came. We had registry office ceremony, then held the reception, as a very low key and informal affair, at my parents house. Several family members wouldn't come because there was no fancy dinner or hotel. We did it our way as we didn't want to start married life with a debt we couldn't afford, and it truly showed up to whom we mattered.
I love this! It sounds like such a lovely day, and so sensible not to get yourself into debt. Americans often seem to have weddings in back gardens: I guess they have both the weather and the space
Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/02/2022 15:46

He would be my BIL by that time as they’re getting married in a few months

In theory you can do absolutely whatever you want, but that has the potential to cause a lot of fallout - though I guess it depends what you think he's likely to do on the day?

If you're just "not very keen" it might be best to invite him, greet him politely and leave it at that, but if you're expecting really bad behaviour then further thought might be needed

I8toys · 03/02/2022 15:47

Sounds slightly immature - you are going to your sister's wedding with your husband to be but her husband to be isn't allowed at yours? You've got years of shared family experiences together. Get used to spending time with him.

I personally wouldn't go to family weddings without the other half. Why should I have to suffer alone? Smile

Thirtytimesround · 03/02/2022 15:47

Can’t you have a cheaper but bigger wedding? Some pubs have beautiful barns for hire, I even know two where the barn is free if everyone is eating. Ir a cricket ir golf clubhouse, or local church / registry then village hall? If there isn’t a nice one near you have a look around, fhere are some lovely places. For example something like this
plattmemorialhall.org/

To answer your question m. It isn’t socially acceptable to invite family to your wedding but say they can’t bring their long-term partner. That’s the culture you live in. If you choose to do it anyway, you’re going to have to deal with angry family. Your call 🤷‍♀️

Figgyboa · 03/02/2022 15:53

You can invite who you want but be prepared to deal with any fallout because of it. I personally would invite the BIL and I wouldn't go to any family wedding where my DH wasn't invited.

LethargicActress · 03/02/2022 15:53

You can’t not invite your bil just because you don’t get on, it’s rude.

I don’t think it’s very nice to invite cousins without their partners. You’re expecting people to do any travelling and staying over alone, making the day less enjoyable for them because the venue is more important to you than your guests comfort and happiness. Can’t say I’d want to celebrate my wedding that way.

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