To be miffed after this phone call from DS school

[GypsyWanderer]

So DS is 14. I just got a phone call from a woman at the high school (I don’t recognise her name and not even sure if she is a teacher or whatever) and she tells me several members of staff and students have noticed my DS smells! I am mortified obviously. He has regular showers and deodorant etc.

I guess I’m miffed because I don’t know what to do about it except tell him every day to have a shower and deodorant which I do anyway with all the kids. I’m just shocked that several students and teachers have noticed when me and DH haven’t. Also kind of wish they had sent me an email rather than an embarrassing phone call

Actually that's a really good point from
PP about towels and emollients. I was horribly bullied at boarding school for having a smelly flannel but my eczema meant I had to use all sorts of oily lotions and potions which obviously didn't dissolve in water and just stuck on the flannel. (And the school washing only went once a week).

Did you get this persons name ? I would ring the principal or the year head and discuss this with them. Seems very unprofessional .

I had a thought after seeing a very sweet TikTok recently where a woman talks you through washing your whole body properly, including between your legs etc. and it struck me that I don't supervise my young teens washing, but were they in fact actually... WASHING??

So I asked them and they were amazed at the idea of washing under their arms carefully, legs, feet etc. I guess they'd forgotten over the years? They were just lathering up and playing with the bubbles for a bit, from what I gather. 🙄

So we had a very giggly acting out (fully dressed) of actually washing PROPERLY (I couldn't find the TikTok again or I've have sent it to them), and I will remind them again in a couple of weeks to make sure it sticks.

My 13 year old (I have 2 girls) is very lazy about deodorant and puts dirty clothes back in her drawers given half a chance, including the school blouse that was practically walking around by itself this morning that I found.

So I can see how a young teen who SEEMS perfectly on top of it might actually pong to high heaven by the time lunchtime rolls around!

And for all you know, OP, some poor unfortunate teacher might have been lumbered with making this phone call to 40 parents in his year today!

Get him to have a proper shower and use soap rather than shower gel. Cleans better.

Use a good deodorant/anti perspirant and either dry clean or wash pits of blazer. You can also Febreze certain areas for freshness.

Might be a good idea to look at an aftershave (nothing too strong just a nice one).

Definitely dogs will affect it too.

I wore a wool blazer to my school and it was dry cleaned every few months, also had a dog then but didn't cuddle her loads and she was in a kennel I think.

Pits of shirts though can be really hard to clean of BO - just work in e.g. Fairy green soap before you wash by machine.

Investigate his blazer when he gets home. Maybe ask for a frank independent opinion ie a friend. The other option is that they have contacted you in error if you really don’t smell the problem. If it’s someone who doesn’t have any real contact with your son she may have rung the wrong parent.
School have contacted me twice regarding my sons distant cousin, they have the same surname but his mum and I share the almost same name and our emails are only one letter different. It’s likely that we are next to each other in the list of parents.

@MaggieFS

Actually that's a really good point from PP about towels and emollients. I was horribly bullied at boarding school for having a smelly flannel but my eczema meant I had to use all sorts of oily lotions and potions which obviously didn't dissolve in water and just stuck on the flannel. (And the school washing only went once a week).

SIL mother was in boarding school and they would only let them wash once a month. Obviously this was 50 odd years ago. Her mother wrote and asked for her to be allowed to wash at least once a week so they allowed her a cold shower once a week. Madness when you think about it.

@astoundedgoat

I had a thought after seeing a very sweet TikTok recently where a woman talks you through washing your whole body properly, including between your legs etc. and it struck me that I don't supervise my young teens washing, but were they in fact actually... WASHING??

So I asked them and they were amazed at the idea of washing under their arms carefully, legs, feet etc. I guess they'd forgotten over the years? They were just lathering up and playing with the bubbles for a bit, from what I gather. 🙄

So we had a very giggly acting out (fully dressed) of actually washing PROPERLY (I couldn't find the TikTok again or I've have sent it to them), and I will remind them again in a couple of weeks to make sure it sticks.

My 13 year old (I have 2 girls) is very lazy about deodorant and puts dirty clothes back in her drawers given half a chance, including the school blouse that was practically walking around by itself this morning that I found.

So I can see how a young teen who SEEMS perfectly on top of it might actually pong to high heaven by the time lunchtime rolls around!

And for all you know, OP, some poor unfortunate teacher might have been lumbered with making this phone call to 40 parents in his year today!

@astoundedgoat - my DNephew (3.5) is chucked in the bath and doesn't wash (unless you tell him or persuade him).

I got him into the habit of using play soap (the shower mousse stuff) and even shower gels/soaps he likes the smell of and also washing dolls/toys (shark is favourite) hair and body but I would literally have to wash his arms/legs/bag by stealth! Between legs etc I wouldn't bother obvs! His parents just seem to let him get on with it e.g. not wash. He doesn't smell yet, luckily!

Teenagers getting smelly fact. I have a ds14 he showers every morning clean shirt and uses roll on and a spray but every once In a while he will come home stinking and its down to him not showering properly in the morning either he's rushing or just being lazy. Teacher done the right thing calling you it must be an ongoing issue if they need to call you speak to son make sure he is washing properly.

Mitchums antiperspirant is very effective. I make my husband buy the unscented one because I find the fragrance added really unpleasant. Shirts can get sweaty and then they're washed but you don't really get the sweat out and if you use an iron or it gets warmed up when worn, it can be terribly whiffy. Before my sons took to grooming themselves excessively, I used to have a spray bottle of white vinegar and spray the armpits of shirts before washing.

The other danger area is the feet. Ideally, cotton socks and leather shoes would be best. Sometimes sweat can soak into leather. I use a Scholl shoe deoderant spray on my shoes and let them dry out. I try not to wear the same pair of shoes two days in a row and alternate. For really stressful days I put antiperspirant on the soles of my feet.

He needs to take his school uniform off when he comes home and hang it up. I am thinking that with four dogs your house probably smells very doggy. My mum had two smallish dogs and she went to enormous effort to make her house smell clean. She confined the dogs to hard floors, they had regular baths and she moppped the hard surfaces every day. (The dogs had baskets and were very spoilt.)

I think that you were lucky that they called you. My boss once had to have the talk with a more junior employee. It turns out her natural herbal dedoerant wasn't cutting it. She took it well and addressed the issue immediately and turned up fresh and clean the next day.

Does he use soap or cleanser on the relavant bits - armpits, genital area and feet?

Could it be athlete's foot? Had a guy in my team at work who had that and it smelt so bad, very uncomfortable conversation but he lived with a girlfriend who didn't notice

Investigate his blazer when he gets home. Maybe ask for a frank independent opinion ie a friend. The other option is that they have contacted you in error if you really don’t smell the problem. If it’s someone who doesn’t have any real contact with your son she may have rung the wrong parent

God don't put a friend in that position. At this point does it even matter if it was a mistake?

Op has already admitted he has some oily creams, there's 4 dogs he lies around with and the blazer doesn't get washed much.

Dogs are adorable and yes you become immune I'm sure I've probably smelt if dog occasionally at work as I don't have one but I always pet one and gubernatorial a cuddle if I can

At this point its going to be true soon if its not true now.

Improving hygiene never hurt anyone its not a bad thing to have been able to realise there's room for improvement even if it did turn out to be a mistake.

I think I’d rather know tbh. I remember the smelly kids at school, nobody wanted to go near them and everyone would dread being told they had to sit with them. I told one boy about his issue once, not in a mean way at all and I was very discreet but I had been placed beside him in maths and I was genuinely struggling to breathe beside him he smelt that strongly of BO.

He probably needs a better antiperspirant and could do with taking it to school so he can re-spray when he arrives. Also recommend dry cleaning the blazer more often and making sure he’s changing his shirt daily. Does he shower every morning? If not, that could probably solve some things too.

I worry I will get a call like that about DS as he isn’t the best at washing himself but at 13 he obviously doesn’t want supervision! I shout through the door tell him which bits to wash! I also make sure helps clothes are properly cleaned, I was them at 60 degrees as at lower temps the sweat smell can slightly linger- I also use powder as it’s seems more effective than liquid or tablets.

I remember having a friend at school who smelt. It really wasn’t his fault, it was the smell you get when washing dries too slowly so gets a musty smell.

My ex used to shower twice a day because of BO.

When he moved in with me and I did his washing he stopped smelling. I thought I was nose blind as we were spending more time together. As he was slowly moving in he’d come in with more of his bits, half the time I’d throw them straight in the wash as I presumed they were dirty and he swore they weren’t. Still couldn’t work out what was going on. After he was living here full time he started doing washing, my stuff started to smell of BO and I couldn’t work out why. He washed everything at 30 with just powder and comfort. Didn’t matter if they were sweaty beforehand or not, everything got thrown in at 30. He got his back up that he knew how to do washing and that’s what his mum had done for years. Literally his BO clothes were making mine smell!

Zoflora or vanish, hot temp if they’re his cotton shirts and nothing smells of BO anymore. Also when I stayed at his parents there were no flannels and nobody used scrunches - he’d be showering twice a day and using medicated deodorant with normal deodorant but was just washing using his hands and shower gel. When he moved in he got his own scrubchy and couldn’t believe he had gone without.

So yep, clothes can still smell if they’re washed as its got to kill the ‘bacteria’ (not sure if that’s the official science but that’s what I go with!) and standing under water isn’t washing.

I am paranoid about smelling so I always use soap and not shower gel. Dettol do a great bar for 40pence in home bargains and it doesn’t affect my excema. As it is antibacterial it will kill any whiffs. Make sure armpits aren’t dry and then apply anti perspirant. I buy a clothes spray from fabulous (I think febreze is rubbish) it’s a disinfectant spray for clothes and my coats and hoodies get done under the arms between washes. Again home bargains or b&m have this. I put vinegar in my washes if it’s an item I can’t use softener on, but definitely no uniform around the pooches.

To put this as delicately as possible
But if due to the dogs
And you never smell anything on him

Might it be that you also smell?

It will be the dogs. Growing up there were people who wouldn't come to my home or get in our car - and that was just with one labrador and a mum who spent half her time on her knees scrubbing the floors. Stinky buggers they are, to those that aren't nose blind to them.

Not being alarmist here but the smell can also indicate a health issue and could be something very simple to fix, like a fungal infection. I worked in a college and honestly it is not unusual but does have an impact on how a student is viewed by their peers and others in the school. Could be something in his bag or even mould that is growing on the material due to wet clothing / not being dried, shoes (you don't want to know what lockers smell like after being closed for a while) or even excessive sweating in some situations. I think they did the right thing and emails can /often are ignored. Well done the school for thinking about all aspect's of your son's life in the school and not ignoring issues, as too many do. School blazers often have a life of their own and I think washable jackets would often do us all a favour!

Wash all his clothes with a disinfectant laundry additive to kill any bacteria. Check his shoes. Use bar soap not shower gel and ensure he knows to soap himself thoroughly in the creases. Get him a good antiperspirant and a medicated shampoo. Check his breath.

I know you are mortified but nose blindness is a thing. You don’t notice the smells you live with. I had two boys and the number of times I had to remove evil smelling bits of kit from their sports bags was ridiculous.

I have a friend who lived in a beautiful immaculate home that smelt of their elderly dog. I used to ask that we sat in the garden “because I love being there”. One day she told me they had a viewing later as the house was now on the market and I plucked up courage to tactfully tell her they needed to get the dog out and disinfect the place. I was embarrassed, she was shocked.

Later she thanked me for my honesty and said I should have told her when I first noticed it.

Make sure he gets changed into home clothes before rolling about with the dogs

This is such a difficult issue. I work in a boys school and this issue pops up on the regular. It is sometimes not about personal hygiene but as some other posters have pointed out more to do with their clothes, in particular their blazers which does not get washed on the regular. Often the smell is not fresh sweat but stale sweat.

It’s always difficult for schools to deal with, but I am pretty sure someone would have already gently mentioned this to your son.

Shower twice per day and use bar soap. I get in the shower, rinse myself off for a few seconds, then close the tap and scrub myself completely from face to toe with washcloth + bar soap. Then I rinse the soap off. I feel much more clean using this method then by using a bit of shower gel that immediately washes away under constantly running water. Use olive soap or persimmon soap (available from Amazon) both are really good at removing BO.

Also, wash all of his clothes more regularly and use oxygen bleech with each wash. It does a great job of removing smells and stains.

@GypsyWanderer I once worked with someone who stank of BO. It was a really awkward situation where eventually his line manager had to sit down and explain he stank (in nicer words).

Far better your DS is aware of his odour as teenager than making his way through to adulthood oblivious!

FWIW, the stinky colleague sorted himself out after that conversation and was stinky no more. It's just a shame people let him get that far in life without pointing out he needed a better deodorant and to wash his clothes with stronger detergent. Could have saved the poor bloke some embarrassment!

Oh and as someone with sweaty feet if you can afford them, Geox shoes are great.
I have a pair I have been wearing almost daily for nearly 3 years now and they’re completely odor free.

Can the older boy give them a talk. Not single one out. 'Brovs you need to use antiperspirant every morning after a shower.'
That coupled with you doing a sniff test on clothes should clear things up.