Blended Family - who is BU?

[blendedfamilyopinionspls]

Hi. I'd like some unbiased opinions on some issues we're currently facing as a blended family.

Family set up + financial facts (think these are relevant)

Married couple
Joint mortgage

Wife has teenager from previous marriage who she is resident parent of.
Couple have two children together - 1 primary school (early years) and 1 baby (under 1)

Couple have been together since teenager was 3.

Husband works full time and contributes the majority of the family income. Higher tax payer.
Wife works part time (20hrs) and doesn't pay any tax. Currently on maternity leave (standard)

Couple have joint account. All bills are paid from this and they get an allowance each for personal spends.

Wife receives Child Maintenance from non resident parent which pays for teenagers phone bill, school lunches, any school trips, activities, days out with friends, clothes, uniform, shoes etc.

Joint household income covers the teenagers basic living expenses - mortgage, electricity, food etc.

Joint household income also covers holidays/days out etc.

Question 1 - Should the Child Maintenance payment also be used for petrol in the family car to cover the collecting of teenager from their non resident parent 2x per month? On average 200 miles per month (non resident parent lives 48 miles away via quickest route)

Question 2 - Should the teenager receive less at Christmas/Birthday than their half siblings as they also get presents from their other parent ?

Intrigued to read the general consensus. Thank you.

I can understand him being annoyed at your ex (mine fucked off to another country - that’s a whole load of extra travel logistics!) but being a family is being a family - he’s just punishing your child or you behaving this way not the ex.

We moan like hell about my exh (not to dd) but my dh still does the running around for dd that’s needed - including driving to airports hours away at stupid late at night - to facilitate contact with her dad because he loves our dd.

Your husband is not acting like a dad and that’s horrible after being in your child’s life so long

There is nothing wrong with feeling pissed off at a flakey NRP - but taking it out on the child is disgusting.

Incidentally is ‘D’H also controlling about what gets spent on the shared children? Do their clothes, shoes, trips to soft play etc come out of joint money? Or does it depend on whether he deems them necessary? Does he ever use any of his personal money on things for his DC or just himself?

Basically, is he stingy & financially controlling in general or just resentful of his SDC?

This is so petty.

I couldn't live like this.

Your husband wants to punish you, and disadvantage his stepchild (a teenager he’s lived with -and presumably loves? - since the age of three, for over a decade) because of the fault of another man?

He “wouldn't allow me to use the car to take child”?

Sorry, but that’s awful.

How can he justify punishing the people he loves because someone else no one else has power over doesn’t pay “enough”?

The only thing I agree with your partner about is that your DC's father should do both the picking up and dropping off of your DC. My ex nearly always did both journeys, unless there was a particular weekend that made that particularly difficult for him.

However, if him doing both journeys means that he would cut down the number of times he has your DC, then for her sake I would keep things as they are. The money for the fuel should just be money coming from the family pot, if you do end up still having to do half of the runs. Your partner isn't looking very nice at the moment, after all those years together he should love and treat her just like his other children.

He sounds utterly vile.

Are you sure you want to stay married to such a horrible person?

I think your dh's attitude can be quite damaging. All 3 of them are siblings. They got each other for all their lives. Treating the eldest different from younger children may make the unnecessary divide between them. You don't want that if you are a decent person.
It's not the eldest's fault that their parents split up, and his mother married someone else. DH is an adult who decided to marry his mom, knowing he already existed. He shouldn't take out the frustration against his SC's NRP on the child.

@Sarcobaleno

If you're higher rate tax payers you should be able to look after all 3 children without the need for this level of detail. It's not about logic. You have 3 children. End of discussion. If you are struggling to budget for 3 kids you shouldn't have had more. This was a sad read, especially the Christmas question.

I totally agree with this

or that he wouldn't allow me to use the car
This is abusive. Particularly in the context of you needing it to collect your child.

So they’ve been living with this child since they were 3 and now suddenly have a problem. Now suddenly want to give them less presents? He sounds lovely

Beyond petty to argue about petrol.
So what happens if teen needs driving to an activity but you are also taking baby and toddler as dad isn't there to look after them? Is that petrol for teen or petrol for childcare? Maybe he could work it out and make mum pay 1/3 rd out of cm.
Or days out as whole family... Does mum have to pay separately for teen's ice-cream...
Ffs... Plus what is car is half full of petrol? Does your dh work out how much was used to drive teen about and charge you?
I am sm, blended family..in true sense... Four dds between us, everyone gets what they need when they need it, irrespective of their other parents contributions.
This is financial, practical and emotional

So the teen should get less spent on them at Xmas because their parents split up? Absolutely ridiculous and you know it. 🤯

CM should go to the family pot. Your husband is very petty even after, I'm assuming, more than 10 years together. I just hope your teenager is not aware of those discussions going on.

1. Not sure how this would even work?
2. What if the other parent got them nothing?

Very mean. Don’t you like them?

No and no

No to both

Your husband doesn't live your teenager. And that's sad considering he's been in the teen life since 3. It's not the teens or your fault if the biological father isn't stepping up, you have no power over him. So the fact your dh is taking it out in you and causing such a fuss over what money gets spent on teen is really really sad. I really hope your teen never hears of this, how terribly upsetting that would be

@blendedfamilyopinionspls

Thanks for all the comments.

I am the wife in this situation.

To clarify.

My H is resentful of NRP as he believes he doesn't financially support his child enough. CM has ranged from £100 - £300 pcm. I currently receive £200 pcm.

I don't pay for the petrol out of CM. It does come out of the family pot. During discussions about NRP and CM this has been suggested, or that he wouldn't allow me to use the car to take child and NRP would have to collect and drop back child.

Re Christmas presents. This was suggested this last Christmas and possibly the Birthday before. I didn't agree so this has never been done.

I am going to show him this thread as I said I would ask on here when the present thing was suggested. We both think each other is wrong but no one to sound it off.

It needs pointed out to him that he needs to separate his pissed-off-ness at the NRP and taking it out on the child.

If DH had ever suggested that my girls get less for Christmas or birthdays than the other kids in our house because their flaky father might get them something that would be a relationship ender.

Then again the suggestion that he “might not allow me” to use the car, regardless of what it was for, would put things on a wobbly foot.

Not putting the CM into the joint pot because it’s unreliable income is a worrying one for me - teenagers phone bill, school lunches, any school trips, activities, days out with friends, clothes, uniform, shoes etc are all pretty basic living costs. If the NRP stops paying then the child doesn’t get them anymore? How does that work?

Also how is this going to work if the child goes to Uni? The parental contribution is made on household income. What’s the step-father going to do/say then?

Bonkers and petty. Surely it's normal for all money to go in the 'pot' and children get what they need, when they need it, on an equal basis regardless???

I don't know how you can contemplate even staying with this man. He sounds revolting, so mean and petty. I had a friend in a similar situation her H said the teen shouldn't get a share of treats he bought for his children. She had to sneak snacks up to the teens room

My question- who has the fucking time to penny pinch over this when you're meant to be a team? Can't imagine my DH saying I need to use the CM I get to put petrol in my car.

He's been in your child's life since she was 3, she's now a teenager and he essentially doesn't consider her fully a member of his family? Pathetic.

This sounds exhausting tbh! When someone takes on another person's child, just deal with it. Overthinking of the ins and outs of how much they cost relative to the child maintenance received, when one is a higher tax payer, is ridiculous!

This is vile and said to read. If he's feeling this way then your child will be aware of it on some level.
The petrol thing is beyond petty, it's pathetic. I would agree with other posters that to threaten not to 'allow' you to use the car is abusive and controlling.
The Christmas thing is cruel.

He needs to realize that if you hadn't had children together you could be working full time now probably with just your teen to parent. Your financial contribution to the family is lower in part because you're raising his children as well as his stepchild.

How does he treat your child? Is he kind and loving to them?

I actually get question 2 being part of a blended family myself.
Mum has DSS on Christmas day and we pick him up on the evening and have him boxing day.
Kids being kids, DSS said to DD 'I get two lots if presents you only get one'
So we just have 2 Christmas days. DD gets presents from us both Christmas day and boxing day (pretty much same amount of money spent on her as DSS, presents just split between the 2 days), and DSS has presents from mum Christmas day and us on boxing day.
Both kids get 2 lots of presents and 2 Christmas days and we're all happy.