Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blended Family - who is BU?

375 replies

blendedfamilyopinionspls · 02/02/2022 22:35

Hi. I'd like some unbiased opinions on some issues we're currently facing as a blended family.

Family set up + financial facts (think these are relevant)

Married couple
Joint mortgage

Wife has teenager from previous marriage who she is resident parent of.
Couple have two children together - 1 primary school (early years) and 1 baby (under 1)

Couple have been together since teenager was 3.

Husband works full time and contributes the majority of the family income. Higher tax payer.
Wife works part time (20hrs) and doesn't pay any tax. Currently on maternity leave (standard)

Couple have joint account. All bills are paid from this and they get an allowance each for personal spends.

Wife receives Child Maintenance from non resident parent which pays for teenagers phone bill, school lunches, any school trips, activities, days out with friends, clothes, uniform, shoes etc.

Joint household income covers the teenagers basic living expenses - mortgage, electricity, food etc.

Joint household income also covers holidays/days out etc.

Question 1 - Should the Child Maintenance payment also be used for petrol in the family car to cover the collecting of teenager from their non resident parent 2x per month? On average 200 miles per month (non resident parent lives 48 miles away via quickest route)

Question 2 - Should the teenager receive less at Christmas/Birthday than their half siblings as they also get presents from their other parent ?

Intrigued to read the general consensus. Thank you.

OP posts:
JustLyra · 03/02/2022 07:57

Be aware @blendedfamilyopinionspls that it’s very common for abuse to start or ramp up during pregnancy and, in step families, this is even more common when there is new children of that relationship

Furbulousnous · 03/02/2022 07:59

Q1- no, I would count it as a household expense as the teen is part of the family.
Q2. No I absolutely would not treat the teen differently regardless of what the other parent did.
Perhaps you could co-ordinate with the ex on big stuff for the teen and share the cost?

sofakingcool · 03/02/2022 08:00

Question 1 - I'm not sure

Question 2 - definitely not in my house. I know it's a regular opinion on MN that they should get less, but absolutely not in our house. Personally, and I imagine I'll get my head bitten off for this, I would be pretty disappointed of our joint DS if he started counting up the presents that DS1 gets. He definitely gets the better deal having his family together (again, that won't be a popular view to some)

So no, absolutely DS1 does not receive less from us, even though DH is really our only earner (I'm very part time), he wouldn't have it any other way either.

Furbulousnous · 03/02/2022 08:02

You treat the teen as an equal child in your family. Your DH essentially agreed to this. H marrying you.
Getting some extra pressies is no substitute to having two loving parents still together in a home, your teen has to split time between 2 houses and has a step parent.
Your DH needs to be careful that he doesn’t start penalising the teen for your exes flakey behaviour- it’s not the teens fault.

Bananarama21 · 03/02/2022 08:04

Your dh is a scumbag the present thing yikes. My dh is step dad to my eldest I keep the cm for me and we put all our the money in the pot and share it out equally for the 3 kids for Christmas sometimes ds1 gets more as he's older and it's more expensive.

MrsDamonSalvatore · 03/02/2022 08:05

I feel so sorry for the teenager in this situation. No doubt they are picking up vibes on their place in this family. I agree with the PP who said you are either married to an arsehole or you are one, but since you’ve clarified that you are the wife it’s the former. Is he always so awful and petty or is it just in relation to your poor teen?

toomuchlaundry · 03/02/2022 08:06

Do people really work out exactly what CM goes on? Surely it just goes into the pot

Hoppinggreen · 03/02/2022 08:06
  1. Bit petty
  2. Very petty
Furbulousnous · 03/02/2022 08:07

If you use the money for petrol costs does it means you just use household money for other stuff your teen needs? Or will you be left short for thing that teen needs?
What if the ex stops paying altogether - will your DH insist you don’t use ‘family’ money to get what they need?
Personally I would count the money as family money and get what teen needs from family money.
I would also think about getting a full time job, and let your DH see how he manages childcare costs for his kids on top of his FT job.

sofakingcool · 03/02/2022 08:08

It's actually really refreshing reading these replies!

NuNameNuMe · 03/02/2022 08:09

Q1: Yes, that is an expense due to the separation / divorce.
Q2: No, you are a family with 3 children. Teenagers are more expensive so set a budget for all. If she gets extra presents from her dad, then that's also due the separation / divorce, that she didn't choose. Your younger children get to live with both their mum and dad.

BobHadBitchTits · 03/02/2022 08:13

@Hoppinggreen

1. Bit petty
  1. Very petty
Sums up my thinking nicely.
KitchenTowel · 03/02/2022 08:13

It all sounds terribly petty and must
Put the mum in a very difficult position having to justify each expense in this broken down way. When you marry (or co hsbit) someone with a child that child becomes a part of your life. You can't make sure that that child has no (financial) impact on your life whatsoever. You shouldn't even want to. You can't just think about what is fair but you need to think about what is best for this child and how to make the child feel part of the family. It all sounds like the teenager is just an inconvenience to the husband and that's terribly sad. I feel for the teenager and for the mum.

Darkstar4855 · 03/02/2022 08:14

I have a teenage stepson, I am the higher earner. All family money goes in the pot. Any money that is needed for my stepson comes out of the pot, just like it does for my son. I would never be so petty as to expect my partner to pay separately for my stepson’s expenses.

At Christmas we probably spend about the same on each because my stepson’s computer games etc. cost more than the preschooler’s toys so he has less actual presents anyway.

Honestly I think my stepson getting more presents is nothing given that my son gets to have his dad full time but my stepson doesn’t.

MsAnnFrope · 03/02/2022 08:15

No and No! I’m a SM, DH pays his ex CM but if they needed anything else we would pay on a heartbeat because they are children of the family.
DSS is a teenager and his things are now more expensive than DD but we don’t tally it up. She will be a teen one day too!

AhNowTed · 03/02/2022 08:15

I hope to god your teenager is not aware of these discussions.

Your husband is being bloody ridiculous.

Derbee · 03/02/2022 08:18
  1. No, it’s petty
  2. No, it’s nasty

Your husband sounds very mean spirited and petty. He’s been in your teenager’s life since they were 3, so the fact that that he doesn’t just feel as though they are also his child, doesn’t reflect well on him

SalmonEile · 03/02/2022 08:19

So your husband thinks your ex doesn’t pay enough for the teenager but wants to cut the amount of presents and rely on the ex to deliver?

Is he stressed in general about money and looking to make savings ?

TheFrogAndHen · 03/02/2022 08:23

I don't think amount of presents or value needs to be equal with an age gap like that. Teenagers likely have more spent because of the types of things they are into but I'd expect a younger child to have more in the way of volume because their gifts tend to be larger in size. I.e. teenager gets laptop so more expensive but younger child gets lots of toys, teddies, books etc... So pile looks larger although cheaper. I think that is fairly standard in most families.

The only time I would say this whole "no it doesn't matter what SC get in their other home" argument is unfair is if people don't apply it to the resident children and their extended family. For example my parents don't really get my step children much for Christmas but they do my DC. Lots of people on here would think that unfair. To me it's the same as the above arguement. Just as it's irrelevant what my SC get at their mum's, it's irrelevant what my DC get from their extended family.

AngelinaFibres · 03/02/2022 08:24

This is genuinely horrible. You have been in that child's life since they were 3 and yet you are wanting to keep the finances separate. In a marriage where children already exist YOU have the choice to take on that child as complete part of your life, or walk away. The child has no choice. In a marriage everything is put into the same pot and all costs ,for whichever child, come out of that pot.

BurntToastAgain · 03/02/2022 08:24

I don’t agree with all the sad face posts about how this isn’t a family and it’s awful that the stepfather doesn’t love the teenager (yet I think the questions being asked in this particular case are ridiculous).

He doesn’t have to love a stepchild. And blended families do operate differently to nuclear families. There’s nothing inherently terrible about having somewhat separate finances.

The problem here is the specifics of it. It’s so incredibly petty and miserly to be looking at this level of accounting. Especially the petrol money bit.

And the presents question has no correct answer for everyone. But seriously: comparing presents for s teenager and s one year old is daft. You can spend £25 on a one year old and amass a pile of stuff they think is great. The same isn’t true for a teenager.

The problem is that reducing everything to money totally misses the point. Present buying should be done by thinking about the children - what they like, what they need, etc. And the available budget spent to ensure they all get nice presents and it’s all reasonably fair taking everything into account.

Part of that can include an acknowledgment that the teenager is getting presents from his dad too. But his half siblings aren’t. It’s fine to consider the overall picture.

But reducing it to being equal in pounds and pennies just doesn’t work. You end up being weird and petty and miserly.

Doomscrolling · 03/02/2022 08:25
  1. Petty. Using CM is punishing the teen because NRP is a bit useless.
  1. You have got to be kidding! Teen need far more spent on gifts because appropriate teen gifts are far more expensive than baby/toddler gifts. The baby and toddler will get more expensive as they grow up.

Treating children equally isn’t spending the same amount of money in them. It’s making sure their needs are met. For example, you don’t give the 3 children identical amounts of food, because that’s wasteful for the preschoolers and would starve a teen.

Your husband is completely unreasonable.

whenthedoveslie · 03/02/2022 08:26

Ugh.

Everything I think about the husband in the scenario has already been said.

I really hope your teen hasn't picked up on any of this.

Only 3 years old when he/she entered your husband's life yet is being singled out like this.

As for the few gifts suggestion.. As he always been so bloody spiteful!?

Battenburg1978 · 03/02/2022 08:27

I’m both a step-parent and have a step parent plus my partner and I have separate finances and I’m completely WTF at your husband’s petty attitude. Is he generally financially controlling or are there money worries driving this? Who would drill down on the car costs as to which car journeys are paid for with which money?

Don’t even get me started on the gifts issue! What a horrible way to treat a child you’ve parented for the majority of their life. DSD is a teen and whilst the present pile might look a litttle smaller than 5 yo DDs you can bet it cost twice as much - that’s the way it is with teens! I am a bit fastidious about a reasonably even looking pile of gifts for the girls on Christmas Day as I want them to feel they are treated equally, which can mean lots of extra Christmas chocs for the teen wrapped up with their small but eye wateringly expensive main gift… to be honest the fact that DSD receives presents at her Mum’s is not something we even think about, other than to check her Mum’s not already getting her a big ticket item we had in mind.

I can understand the annoyance of the NRP not contributing reliably but rather than directly affecting your teen, surely this is something you discuss in your overall family budget and absorb as best you can, rather than singling out your teen with the consequences. For example by economising on groceries or in other areas as a family.

I hope this is just a blip in your husbands thinking or there is some other money stress that is clouding his thinking and he realises how unreasonable this is.

BertramLacey · 03/02/2022 08:27

So they agreed to avoid further confrontation CM would be paid directly to wife to cover all extra expenses for teenager other than basic living costs (as wife earns a salary which contributes to the home)

But it's not just your salary, is it? You being home more enables him to have his career and the children. Otherwise, the way you two are going, you might as well start charging him for the childcare and housework you do and use the money to buy the teenager a massive 'fuck you stepdad' neon sign for their next birthday present.

  1. is an odd question. I can't imagine breaking it down like this. It's not really showing a proper blended family. 2) is just cruel and shows that your husband doesn't really think of the teenager as part of the family, even though they've been in their lives 10+ years.

My partner has a teenage child. You have to accept when you're in a relationship with someone with children that they come as a unit, not as separable components. All of this sounds so petty and mean.