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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blended Family - who is BU?

375 replies

blendedfamilyopinionspls · 02/02/2022 22:35

Hi. I'd like some unbiased opinions on some issues we're currently facing as a blended family.

Family set up + financial facts (think these are relevant)

Married couple
Joint mortgage

Wife has teenager from previous marriage who she is resident parent of.
Couple have two children together - 1 primary school (early years) and 1 baby (under 1)

Couple have been together since teenager was 3.

Husband works full time and contributes the majority of the family income. Higher tax payer.
Wife works part time (20hrs) and doesn't pay any tax. Currently on maternity leave (standard)

Couple have joint account. All bills are paid from this and they get an allowance each for personal spends.

Wife receives Child Maintenance from non resident parent which pays for teenagers phone bill, school lunches, any school trips, activities, days out with friends, clothes, uniform, shoes etc.

Joint household income covers the teenagers basic living expenses - mortgage, electricity, food etc.

Joint household income also covers holidays/days out etc.

Question 1 - Should the Child Maintenance payment also be used for petrol in the family car to cover the collecting of teenager from their non resident parent 2x per month? On average 200 miles per month (non resident parent lives 48 miles away via quickest route)

Question 2 - Should the teenager receive less at Christmas/Birthday than their half siblings as they also get presents from their other parent ?

Intrigued to read the general consensus. Thank you.

OP posts:
Josephincluded · 03/02/2022 06:53

Petrol, possibly yes but I’d never be that petty over a few quid.

Presents, never. Disgraceful thing to say and your H should be ashamed.

SheWolfOFFrancee · 03/02/2022 06:57

No and no

My ex doesn’t pay CM anymore because he’s a twat but when he did it went into family pot like the rest of our money and all costs for all our children ( my eldest (10) is from a previous relationship and we have two toddlers together). We just view ourselves as a family unit so all children costs come from that family pot. I’m starting to realise how lucky I am with my DH attitude to family and money

Our view on Christmas and birthday presents is whatever is received at ex’s house is none of our business so we don’t consider it as playing any part in what our children get. We are a family unit and DS1 has a family unit with his dad at his house. My DH would never suggest my DS1 receive less because he gets presents at his dads. We set a budget for all the kids and they get whatever we can afford within that. It would be the same if the situation was reversed and DH was the one with children from a previous relationship not just because it’s my child

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 03/02/2022 06:59

Why would you want to be married to someone who treats your daughter differently? Your H is horrible and your daughter will pick up on his feelings about her, essentially he wants to treat her differently.

HugeAckmansWife · 03/02/2022 07:00

If your DH has been in your son's life since he was 3 I can't believe he is thinking this way. I mean, be a twat to / about the NRP who is contributing naff all but don't take it it out on the child (or you). I can just hear him in the pub bitching about it and being patted on the back as a hero for "taking on" another man's child. I think after a decade that should probably go away. The present thing is weird. Toddlers will get piles of plastic crap, a teenager one or two small expensive boxes probably and some chocolate. OP it really doesn't paint him in a good light that he feels this way - I'd be very wary. The irony is that I bet if you two split up he'd pay CMS only, to the penny and think he was doing the right thing.

Oh, and also, get CMS involved for your ex so he can't be "flaky".

CandlesBlanketsandTea · 03/02/2022 07:01

I completely agree, I just don't think blended families work for the kids.

Cakeandcardio · 03/02/2022 07:07

A petty situation. It's all family money and used for family. Who has time for this level of breakdown. Not too sure why you even have separate personal spending money. Don't you trust each other? Is the husband controlling with money? And i certainly wouldn't be so petty as to penalise a teenager for their parents having separated, no.

Rumplestrumpet · 03/02/2022 07:07

The thing is, it's ok to be pissed off with your ex for being flaky and unreliable. But the proposals just seem to punish the teenager, which is grossly unfair.

  1. Ok say you start to take petrol money out of CM. Does this mean now teenager has less money for clothes? You reduce her data allowance or make her drop a hobby? How cruel and unnecessary if you have the funds to cover these activities.
  1. Teenagers' tastes/needs are generally more expensive anyway - clothes, trainers, tech etc - than a baby or young child. Why would you choose to spend less on her just because she may or may not receive gifts from someone else? And what would that look like? £150 could mean a massive pile of gifts for a baby, and then you'd put a £75 hoodie beside it for the teenager? What impact would you hope to have?

Finally, the idea that he "won't let you" use the car to take her to see her dad - again, as well as being a worrying power play, what's the effect? DD won't get to see her dad?!

I think you need to have a calm but stern conversation with your husband about the fact that, blended or not, you're a family and teenager should feel as much part of it as the younger ones. She gets extra bits from her dad? Great. Believe me, it doesn't nearly make up for all the downsides of being torn between two houses and seemingly not totally fully welcome in your main home.

Buttermuffin · 03/02/2022 07:10

OP, you need to ask yourself why he's doing this. It sounds very much like he's trying to sideline your child now that he's replaced them with his bio children with you. Your child will know this.

Cstring · 03/02/2022 07:12

The phrase ‘knowing the cost of everything and the value of nothing’ spring to mind.
The teenager will pick up on this level of pettiness and know that the SD resents them.

SeptemberAlexandra · 03/02/2022 07:13

Your problems are much deeper than you seem to think. I’ve been the child with a resentful step parent and the fact my mother continued as if nothing was wrong, damaged our relationship irreparably. I wasn’t even resident with them. It must be so much worse for your child.

Not to mention the fact that looking forward your child is likely to be excluded from any inheritance unless you make adequate provision for them.

The post is sad and incredibly petty. I really feel for your daughter.

Drunkpanda · 03/02/2022 07:13

He doesn't sound like he loves the teenager or views them as his.

rwalker · 03/02/2022 07:14

@CallMeMabel

No and fuck no. Husband is a tight petty resentful knobhead.
Did you miss the bit where he pays most the bills and puts a roof over his SC head and holidays .
rwalker · 03/02/2022 07:16

Petrol yes and present wise no but that said with such an age gap won't really be an issue.
When one kid is 18 and other 4 they'd get different amounts anyway .

Ponoka7 · 03/02/2022 07:16

So your DP has turned since you've been pregnant with your second? That needs nipping in the bud now. You aren't blended, he's the stepfather, blended is when the children are older.

Alainlechat · 03/02/2022 07:17

Sorry OP but it would be wrong for the teen to lose out as some of the CM had to find petrol.

If this goes ahead in your shoes I would return to work full time incurring whatever childcare cost that resulted splitting household tasks and weekend childcare evenly and then fund the petrol.

Ginger1982 · 03/02/2022 07:19

@blendedfamilyopinionspls

Thanks for all the comments.

I am the wife in this situation.

To clarify.

My H is resentful of NRP as he believes he doesn't financially support his child enough. CM has ranged from £100 - £300 pcm. I currently receive £200 pcm.

I don't pay for the petrol out of CM. It does come out of the family pot. During discussions about NRP and CM this has been suggested, or that he wouldn't allow me to use the car to take child and NRP would have to collect and drop back child.

Re Christmas presents. This was suggested this last Christmas and possibly the Birthday before. I didn't agree so this has never been done.

I am going to show him this thread as I said I would ask on here when the present thing was suggested. We both think each other is wrong but no one to sound it off.

He won't ALLOW you to use the car? Fuck that.
Crayfishforyou · 03/02/2022 07:19
  1. no, if it means the teenager goes without anything they had before.
  2. WTAF. Poor teenager.
Hotpinkangel19 · 03/02/2022 07:19

Husband is awful. I'm in a similar situation- I get £80 a month in maintainance for my daughter. NRP and I alternate transport. My daughter isn't treated any differently by my husband, or given less than her siblings. This is sad to read.

HugeAckmansWife · 03/02/2022 07:21

rwalker those are things that everyone in the family gets. It's not really easy to separate them out. This is a very specific thing about 'luxuries'. Also, the op is contributing just as much to the household. Childcare fees for 2 young children, plus lost earnings and pension for her would be tens of thousands if you added it up. She's probably doing most of the housework to. He's not a fucking hero for going to work.

Donkeyinamanger · 03/02/2022 07:23

He won't allow you to use the car??? Are there other things that he allows or forbids you to do? That doesn't sound healthy!

Beamur · 03/02/2022 07:26
  1. Massively petty
  2. No. Mean to even consider it.
whistleinthewind · 03/02/2022 07:26

I think you should show him this thread, as you suggested you would. And then once he realises what an utter fool he is, he could possibly spend a moment or two considering how he'd feel if you divorced, he remarried and any new wife behaved the same way to his children. I'm willing to bet he hasn't flipped this on its head to consider the other way around.

I get it, step parenting is not for everyone. But it's not like he's new at this, and quite frankly if he was going to split hairs over petrol, which I get can be costly, he shouldn't have gotten involved 10+ years ago.

Re presents.. as all other posters have said, you don't give one less in your household because they go elsewhere. I know of children who's parents are divorced who are not bothered by presents at Christmas, they feel immense pressure and guilt over the fact that their parents aren't together ... to try and make a child feel worth less in their residential home is awful.

Sounds like he's more concerned with his bank account than your children as a whole, perhaps look at where else you can cut costs.... including a divorce

Teacupsandtoast · 03/02/2022 07:28

He would stop you using the car.....mmm that's a bit of a red flag? Does he normally threaten you with sh*t like that about other things?

londonrach · 03/02/2022 07:31

No and no ..you a family. That poor teenager

LittleSnakes · 03/02/2022 07:33

Fucking hell. So he cares more about money than a child’s feelings. A child he’s known since toddlerhood.