Blended Family - who is BU?

[blendedfamilyopinionspls]

Hi. I'd like some unbiased opinions on some issues we're currently facing as a blended family.

Family set up + financial facts (think these are relevant)

Married couple
Joint mortgage

Wife has teenager from previous marriage who she is resident parent of.
Couple have two children together - 1 primary school (early years) and 1 baby (under 1)

Couple have been together since teenager was 3.

Husband works full time and contributes the majority of the family income. Higher tax payer.
Wife works part time (20hrs) and doesn't pay any tax. Currently on maternity leave (standard)

Couple have joint account. All bills are paid from this and they get an allowance each for personal spends.

Wife receives Child Maintenance from non resident parent which pays for teenagers phone bill, school lunches, any school trips, activities, days out with friends, clothes, uniform, shoes etc.

Joint household income covers the teenagers basic living expenses - mortgage, electricity, food etc.

Joint household income also covers holidays/days out etc.

Question 1 - Should the Child Maintenance payment also be used for petrol in the family car to cover the collecting of teenager from their non resident parent 2x per month? On average 200 miles per month (non resident parent lives 48 miles away via quickest route)

Question 2 - Should the teenager receive less at Christmas/Birthday than their half siblings as they also get presents from their other parent ?

Intrigued to read the general consensus. Thank you.

@GrandDuchessRomanov

You really are not a family "blended" or otherwise if you are being so picky about such petty shit.

Shameful.

This is a good point.

Blended means you cant see the join. Your H certainly can and is making the joins more obvious with his actions.

How sad for your DC after all these years that this is how he views them

I agree that the penny pinching fixation with money - and making sure you have as little for your son as possible - sounds potentially abusive. Especially since you’re on maternity leave and have a reduced income of your own (while providing about £2k worth of savings in childcare so he can work!).

That might partly be projection from me though, as my STBEH did financially abuse me during maternity leave (as punishment for putting some boundaries in place around his DC from a previous relationship to protect me and my children from a damaging situation). So who knows about the specifics of what’s going on here.

It is definitely potentially indicative of abuse though.

How unlucky to have married not one but two such twats.

My sympathies OP.

This is why the term blended family is useless. Of course you can see the joins. You always will.

It’s a horrible metaphor because actually it is about mushing everyone up together to produce no individuals any longer. And the kind of damage that blenders do to fruit is what you risk if you pretend that it isn’t a collection of people working out how to live together with their individual different family make ups.

It matters that some of the children have a different parent, a different house, a whole other family. It’s not even fair to them to act like that doesn’t matter.

These are conversations people should have before entering a ‘blended family’ situation. Your questions are petty and unnecessary, unless money is a big problem and you need to find ways of making finances better.

I think there's also your earning potential to consider, you had his children and have taken the hit by working part-time and on maternity leave. This impacts your older child as you now don't have the same earning potential to make up the shortfall on the things your OH deem your/the NRP responsibility.

Ultimately, the NRP is paying what the CMS deem is the correct amount (i don't agree with the piddly amount but that's what it is), you cannot force him to pay more the cover the extra expenses and so you would need to make up the shortfall, which you cannot do to the same standard due to having children...his children...he's being an arse!

You don't get child benefit. That suggests a high income bracket. To quibble over the additional expenses in this way is shocking to me. About a child who has been essentially the husband's family since she was 3 and is now a teenager. I hope she never gets wind of this thread or any such discussions, it would be heartbreaking for her. Whether or not the NRP supports her to his best intent is irrelevant, resentment towards him is irrelevant: it is what is in the child's best interests that is core. And that is not quibbling over relatively small sums of money.

This just reads of resentment towards the step child. After at least 10 years in, it shouldn't really be an issue where the travel money is coming from, which pot. The fact it is shows it's not a blended family.

Small kids vs teenagersthere shouldn't really be a direct correlation between presents and amount spent surely? But yes, the teenager shouldn't be punished because he might get some more presents at his fathers. FFS.

You sound like you’ve got a problem with your step child, question 2 are you been serious?? Imagine how that child would feel Xmas morning with half the amount of stuff compared to your children, you've been a step parent since the age of 3, I bet your wife is seething with you if you have made these comments to her. We are a blended family and we go above and beyond to make sure the two older children (one from each parent) are treated exactly the same as each other as well as our little one. My maintenance comes directly to me as it pays for things directly for my child, however the cost of actual living as we are a family is just thrown in with normal living expenses. You may as well put a post up saying I don’t want to pay for this kid anymore

We're a 'blended family' my ds. 2 dcs together. Dh has a dc who comes eow

Im a sahm. Dh pays everything. Whether that's for us, our dcs, my ds, his dc. It's a joint account. I deal with all the finances. We treat them all equally.
I get cms from ds dad. I give him his pocket money each month and the rest goes into savings for Xmas. Which is used for all the dcs.
Because everything is a HOUSEHOLD pot!
If my ds needs a new coat. It comes out of the joint account dh wouldn't bat an eyelid.

Tbh dh probably doesn't even notice what I spend what on.
He's never said ' that's for teen ds so that should come out of maintenance'

I don't get it at all.

I thought a blended family was when both partners had children from a previous relationship blended together, not when there’s stepchildren from one parent who live with you…

Anyway, that aside. Does the NRP ever collect the teen? Because the travel should be split.

Of course the teenager should get the exact same amount of presents as their siblings, that goes without saying. Doesn’t matter that they get more gifts at their Dad’s.

And regards to Christmas they all have the same. We're fully aware that our 2dcs in theory have less because my ds has stuff at his dad's and dsc has stuff at their mums. But it's not like our 2 see what the older ones have elsewhere!

I hope your DH actually treats his step child well as he is coming across very bitter and unpleasant in this post.

@awmum2b

I think there's also your earning potential to consider, you had his children and have taken the hit by working part-time and on maternity leave. This impacts your older child as you now don't have the same earning potential to make up the shortfall on the things your OH deem your/the NRP responsibility.

Ultimately, the NRP is paying what the CMS deem is the correct amount (i don't agree with the piddly amount but that's what it is), you cannot force him to pay more the cover the extra expenses and so you would need to make up the shortfall, which you cannot do to the same standard due to having children...his children...he's being an arse!

There is a question about whether it’s reasonable to expect a NRP to cover a shortfall that is the result of decisions made in a second marriage to meet the childcare needs of the children of that marriage.

“Hey, my wife is going to vastly reduce my earnings so she can be at home to look after our children. We’ve decided this is best for us. So that means you need to give her more money to pay for your kid to compensate for our decisions.”

Does that sound like a reasonable position for anyone to take?

The maintenance a NRP pays is linked to their earnings. And this may fluctuate if their employment is not stable. But that’s not quite the same thing as them deliberately agreeing to reduce their income to suit the needs of the new family they’ve formed.

The maintenance system is largely ridiculous in many ways. But the logic that the husband has here is that he can pass the financial consequences of his decisions (as he was presumably part of them) on to the NRP as and when it suits him. And that’s shit.

Having been both the child and the parent in a blended family I can uncategorically confirm it does not work there is always a join.
My ex-husband parented my daughter from the age of nine months and then cut dead as if she never existed when we split up and she was 13.

He happily enjoyed the benefits of her higher earning father though when the child maintenance money was all put into the family pot.

No to both questions!

@blendedfamilyopinionspls

Thanks for all the comments.

I am the wife in this situation.

To clarify.

My H is resentful of NRP as he believes he doesn't financially support his child enough. CM has ranged from £100 - £300 pcm. I currently receive £200 pcm.

I don't pay for the petrol out of CM. It does come out of the family pot. During discussions about NRP and CM this has been suggested, or that he wouldn't allow me to use the car to take child and NRP would have to collect and drop back child.

Re Christmas presents. This was suggested this last Christmas and possibly the Birthday before. I didn't agree so this has never been done.

I am going to show him this thread as I said I would ask on here when the present thing was suggested. We both think each other is wrong but no one to sound it off.

So your husband is pissed off at the NRP - fair enough. But his actions are punishing the teenager, not the NRP.

1/ No, talk about petty.
2/ No, see above.
‘Blended’ family? Don’t make me laugh..

Very interesting that this has cropped up after OP has had 2 children with Mr W-anker, and 1 a baby.

There must've been a gap of at least 7 years where she and Mr W lived with the son and things were good.

Unless things changed for the better on both counts I'd consider a divorce. I cannot abide meanness re money and would worry it's similar re their treatment by the man.

Both your points are petty.

@Crayfishforyou

1) no, if it means the teenager goes without anything they had before. 2) WTAF. Poor teenager.

This…poor kid . Think you have a DH problem generally…he sounds very resentful and controlling. Any partner who tells the other they are not allowed to do something is a massive red flag to me !!

I had a step father who came into my life when I was 7. He never made me or my sister feel that we weren't wanted or a financial inconvenience, even when my half sister arrived. He paid for everything, including a private education even though it meant that he and my mother sacrificed holidays and treats to pay for it. Yes, that was their decision but I think your partner is far to het up with who is paying what. Your ex is not paying his share...fine...but that doesn't mean that your partner should be just as stingy! As for your teens share of the mortgage - don't be ridiculous!

Surely the money goes into the family pot. Then
Teenager get from this pot appropriate pocket money / clothes / phone and appropriate amount of presents . I would spend much more on a teenager than a very young child.

Anything else is petty . Honestly I couldn’t stay married to such a tight fisted arsehole. Your poor daughter to be made to feel an outsider….

1. Maybe a token £10 or if there's any left at the end of the month then use it for petrol but it really shouldn't be a huge issue.
2. Teenagers gifts are more expensive normally than a 1 year olds or even a toddlers, so I would actually say spend more on the teen, as I'm sure you will when your younger two are teens.

To confirm myself and NRP share travel for contact 50/50

Yes he wants to punish NRP but my view is if that's done by making things awkward re the travel - either by insisting NRP covers all travel, or making me use CM to cover petrol then the only people he is punishing is me and teenager.

I completely understand his resentment towards NRP but what can you do? I can't control the way he conducts his life, or the choice he makes to earn a living.

Financially we have no concerns at all. I won't share the ins and outs of our financially situation. But it's healthy.

The present thing I fundamentally disagree with him on.

@blendedfamilyopinionspls

Thanks for all the comments.

I am the wife in this situation.

To clarify.

My H is resentful of NRP as he believes he doesn't financially support his child enough. CM has ranged from £100 - £300 pcm. I currently receive £200 pcm.

I don't pay for the petrol out of CM. It does come out of the family pot. During discussions about NRP and CM this has been suggested, or that he wouldn't allow me to use the car to take child and NRP would have to collect and drop back child.

Re Christmas presents. This was suggested this last Christmas and possibly the Birthday before. I didn't agree so this has never been done.

I am going to show him this thread as I said I would ask on here when the present thing was suggested. We both think each other is wrong but no one to sound it off.

What an absolute disgrace. Hope the teenager isn't picking up on this resentment by the man he's lived with most of his life! "Wouldn't let you use the family car" so HIS car then. Is what he means. There is no joint money or joint assets. They're his and he can tell you when you can and can't use them.

It's one thing hating a man for not supporting their child. It's another hating a child for needing your support.