Blended Family - who is BU?

[blendedfamilyopinionspls]

Hi. I'd like some unbiased opinions on some issues we're currently facing as a blended family.

Family set up + financial facts (think these are relevant)

Married couple
Joint mortgage

Wife has teenager from previous marriage who she is resident parent of.
Couple have two children together - 1 primary school (early years) and 1 baby (under 1)

Couple have been together since teenager was 3.

Husband works full time and contributes the majority of the family income. Higher tax payer.
Wife works part time (20hrs) and doesn't pay any tax. Currently on maternity leave (standard)

Couple have joint account. All bills are paid from this and they get an allowance each for personal spends.

Wife receives Child Maintenance from non resident parent which pays for teenagers phone bill, school lunches, any school trips, activities, days out with friends, clothes, uniform, shoes etc.

Joint household income covers the teenagers basic living expenses - mortgage, electricity, food etc.

Joint household income also covers holidays/days out etc.

Question 1 - Should the Child Maintenance payment also be used for petrol in the family car to cover the collecting of teenager from their non resident parent 2x per month? On average 200 miles per month (non resident parent lives 48 miles away via quickest route)

Question 2 - Should the teenager receive less at Christmas/Birthday than their half siblings as they also get presents from their other parent ?

Intrigued to read the general consensus. Thank you.

The way these questions are phrased makes me uncomfortable. If SD has lived with the teenager since 3years old I would expect them to be treated like their own child as far as providing for them. Maybe I’m wrong as I don’t have a blended family. But I can’t imagine treating a step child who lived with me most of the time since a toddler differently. It’s alienating surely?

Just seen your update.
Punishing your child because their dad is crap is so backward.
I think this sort or petty behaviour from step dad can also drive a wedge between siblings which is hard to undo and not of their making.
For me, my DH resenting my child like this (even if they relented on the actual finances) would be deal breaker behaviour. I’d need them to have a real turn of heart not just agree not to actively be a dick…

In answer to the question, No and hell no. How can you find a man as petty as this attractive?

Question 1 - All money coming in should go in the pot.

Question 2 - Absolutely not.

Be very certain of this OP, your child realises that they are resented by the adult that chose to enter their life at 3 years old, be very careful here, you are sowing something that will be reaped later.

Your dh sounds an absolute arse.

OP - were you covering all costs for your first child from your FT wages and CM before you had these kids together - did your H ever contribute equally to things like presents etc (beyond 'providing a house')?

Im asking because of two things

1. he honestly had no idea of the cost of children, especially if you have reduced hours (though of course he hasnt reduced HIS hours to allow you to continue with your job / share maternity leave/cover the cost of childcare) and so now he realises how much he is putting his hand in his pocket he has become resentful of how 'easy' it is of a NRP to get away with the bare minimum

1. he is abusive. and as per the script, it hasnt kicked in really until you were pregnant and more dependant upon him.

Some men really do seem to resent having to do what was considered the norm until recently - supporting a family that THEY created.

Id be looking pretty hard at getting back to FT work soon, and ensuring that he pays his fair share of childcare and takes off his fair share of covering sick days / holidays etc. He doesnt know how good he has it, having a wife at home covering all that stuff

And in regards your question

Yes money for petrol comes out of the family pot. And thats a family car, and your teen is family.

and no, the teen should not get 'half' presents. As someone said upthread - that teen already has a family unit that is split in two, getting presents from both sides only goes a tiny way to compensate for that.

And as someone else said - if you are really blended, then ALL money goes into one pot, ALL money is used for all expenses for ALL children, and EQUAL personal spends for you and your husband, with some, if possible, going into a joint savings account.

Just seen your update. Sort yourselves out, there's a child involved here!

He can be as resentful of the NRP as he likes but that is totally separate from family finances and should have no repercussions whatsoever on how your child is treated.

Frankly I think the idea that older child gets less presents because your H has issues with child's dad is vile, and the idea that he might withhold the car - is that right - for one leg of the contact travel? Unbelievable. Very controlling. With attitudes like that I can't even see your marriage lasting.

@Bookaholic73

Wow. You’re calling your wife ‘flaky’ and thinking that a child you’ve been living with for 10+ years can get less presents than your own children?

I really despair sometimes.

I agree with your second point but the OP wasn’t calling his wife flaky. He was referring to the non resident parent being a bit flaky with the changing amounts of child maintenance he pays.

1. You're being petty, as this isn't a big deal
2. Small children and teenagers want very different things. I wouldn't imagine the spend would be the same every year - sometimes more for the older ones, sometimes more for the little ones, depending on what they need. The little ones don't have a clue what things cost and don't need much spent on them. The baby just needs essentials and wrapping paper!

and given the range of CM received - its not the most massive fluctuation is it. Not across a month. £25 a week difference. Thats small peanuts compared to his earnings, and the maintanance itself is nothing compared to his earnings. Hardly worth wetting his pants about.

He is mean. Really fucking mean. And as others say, he is going to get a big shock come university time. Perhaps you need to be pointing that out or thinking hard here, because I can see him refusing to pay, and effectively scuppering your teens future

Pretty crap position to be in OP

Oh, sorry, I meant that HE is being petty because I see now that you're the wife.

Poor teenager, your husband sounds bitter about you having another child with someone else. His issues are pathetic and will only result in the teenager feeling worse if he starts doing these things.

Has this become more of an issue as teenagers are more expensive than young children?

So your husband wants to punish you and your teenager by withholding access to money/transport because he doesn't like your ex?

I'm sorry that your children have been caught up in this ridiculous posturing from a spiteful man who seems to think he's your master rather than your partner.

I thought I was out when I you said spends (awful term).

Then I read question 2.

Seriously? Life is too short for this shit

Seems like all of teens personal expenditure comes from CM/ your personal allowance… however stepdad surely has some responsibilty towards this child , the one who came with you when only 3. I presume this child gets a lot less than the other two ( whose clothes and toys and days out come from a bigger family pot).

I hope you can put resentment towards exP aside. You only have the teenager for a few more years .. is this the time to let it all explode , or just suck up the petty stuff abs be the solid rock that she will Leave amicably when the time comes … but still treasure her family and half siblings for your lives yet to come

I don’t really understand the first question. The CM covers as much as it covers. If there is enough to pay for the petrol, then it covers that too. I find it a bit strange having it in a separate pot tbh.

Of course she shouldn’t have fewer presents. She has had to deal with divorcing parents, having a step dad and half siblings , not living with her dad, shifting between two homes, bad feeling between dad and step dad etc - if she has a few more present than her much younger siblings then it isn’t a big deal, and I highly doubt that they notice or care.

@BurntToastAgain

This is why the term blended family is useless. Of course you can see the joins. You always will.

It’s a horrible metaphor because actually it is about mushing everyone up together to produce no individuals any longer. And the kind of damage that blenders do to fruit is what you risk if you pretend that it isn’t a collection of people working out how to live together with their individual different family make ups.

It matters that some of the children have a different parent, a different house, a whole other family. It’s not even fair to them to act like that doesn’t matter.

Agree. Pretending that it never matters or should make any difference at all that the children involved have different family make ups is just silly.

It's one thing hating a man for not supporting their child. It's another hating a child for needing your support.

This is what I keep coming back to. You’ve been together 10 years OP - why is he raising these issues now, if your teen has been in his life since the age of three ? Does he resent you for working part time ? If so, how does he intend to resolve it ? If you go back to work full time the childcare costs will increase and that will potentially become an issue. Frankly he sounds obsessed with the fact that he’s the major earner and he’s projecting this onto you by trying to impose restrictions - forbidding the use of the car for example, illustrates perfectly that he’s resentful. If you’re ex’s financial position changes frequently and affects the amount of maintenance he can pay I don’t see how you can do much about it - it’s not your fault so why is he making life difficult for you as a result ?You have a family together - and that includes the child from your former relationship. He needs to step up and grow up - and start appreciating what he’s got because it sounds as though he’s on the road to losing it.

@blendedfamilyopinionspls

To confirm myself and NRP share travel for contact 50/50

Yes he wants to punish NRP but my view is if that's done by making things awkward re the travel - either by insisting NRP covers all travel, or making me use CM to cover petrol then the only people he is punishing is me and teenager.

I completely understand his resentment towards NRP but what can you do? I can't control the way he conducts his life, or the choice he makes to earn a living.

Financially we have no concerns at all. I won't share the ins and outs of our financially situation. But it's healthy.

The present thing I fundamentally disagree with him on.

What’s he going to do when your household income is taken into account if your child chooses to go to Uni?

The NRP isn’t included in calculations at all. It’s your household that is expected to make the parental contribution.

Be very very careful OP. It’s very common for resentment and abuse to start during pregnancy and babyhood and this is ringing all sorts of alarm bells.

Even the fact he thinks it crossed his mind that it’s acceptable to “not let” you use the family car for any reason is worrying.

Maybe I have picked this up wrong but if CM is used for everything except basic living costs for teenager, doesn't that mean she gets less than her siblings?

If both your and DH's money goes into a family pot for basic living costs and extras, the siblings have contributions from both parents for extras but teenager only has a contribution from NRP for extras.

I think your husband is cruel for punishing a child in order to get to an adult. Also, wtf is he to tell you you can't use the car?

Wow. Such pettiness. Who keeps track of petrol for picking up a child 2 times a month. Are you driving abroad?

And giving a child less presents because she receives from mum as well? Do you actually count presents and rally up the sums? How do you think the teenager, who hasn't asked for this situation or to be born, is feeling about their sm telling him/her they will have less gifts from them for their bday, compared to siblings who actually live with their father?

Does your husband not see that his modes of "punishment" have fuck-all effect on the intended recipient, and only actually punish you and your teen?
Can he really not see that?

Either way his attitude to your teen's needs is disgusting and I only hope he never lets said teen know that he resents their existence/costs so much.

Poor kid.