Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blended Family - who is BU?

375 replies

blendedfamilyopinionspls · 02/02/2022 22:35

Hi. I'd like some unbiased opinions on some issues we're currently facing as a blended family.

Family set up + financial facts (think these are relevant)

Married couple
Joint mortgage

Wife has teenager from previous marriage who she is resident parent of.
Couple have two children together - 1 primary school (early years) and 1 baby (under 1)

Couple have been together since teenager was 3.

Husband works full time and contributes the majority of the family income. Higher tax payer.
Wife works part time (20hrs) and doesn't pay any tax. Currently on maternity leave (standard)

Couple have joint account. All bills are paid from this and they get an allowance each for personal spends.

Wife receives Child Maintenance from non resident parent which pays for teenagers phone bill, school lunches, any school trips, activities, days out with friends, clothes, uniform, shoes etc.

Joint household income covers the teenagers basic living expenses - mortgage, electricity, food etc.

Joint household income also covers holidays/days out etc.

Question 1 - Should the Child Maintenance payment also be used for petrol in the family car to cover the collecting of teenager from their non resident parent 2x per month? On average 200 miles per month (non resident parent lives 48 miles away via quickest route)

Question 2 - Should the teenager receive less at Christmas/Birthday than their half siblings as they also get presents from their other parent ?

Intrigued to read the general consensus. Thank you.

OP posts:
Monopolyiscrap · 03/02/2022 10:22

@Cofifeefee

Maybe I have picked this up wrong but if CM is used for everything except basic living costs for teenager, doesn't that mean she gets less than her siblings?

If both your and DH's money goes into a family pot for basic living costs and extras, the siblings have contributions from both parents for extras but teenager only has a contribution from NRP for extras.

I think your husband is cruel for punishing a child in order to get to an adult. Also, wtf is he to tell you you can't use the car?

Yes the teenager is probably losing out. Teenagers arent daft, they know what is happening. And what happens in childhood does affect their relationships with their parents as adults.
Wheeloftime · 03/02/2022 10:22

Hmm, that's me not reading follow ups before posting. Thought you were the sm, advocating this was right, and was livid. You're right op, this is horrible and your x is a mean bastard.

MadinMarch · 03/02/2022 10:22

All the nit picking over the petrol is truly disgraceful!
However, as nit picking is occurring, then consider this equally nit picking question: Teenager is away from main home on a regular basis and therefore is saving the main carers having to provide food, takeaways, other treats and days out etc.for them, that the other two children are probably provided with. Surely this would easily balance out the petrol costs? Or even exceed them?
Honestly, I really couldn't live with a partner that saw my teenager as a perpetual 'outsider' in the family, let alone the nitpicking and threatened refusal to allow use of the 'family' car.
I do hope the teenager doesn't pick up on it, but suspect that it does impact on them in fundamental ways.

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 03/02/2022 10:25

It's one thing hating a man for not supporting their child. It's another hating a child for needing your support.

This is what I keep coming back to. You’ve been together 10 years OP - why is he raising these issues now, if your teen has been in his life since the age of three ?

Coming at this from a different angle, could it be the teeneager has reached the rebellious stage and says 'you're not my dad' when asked to do something or behave appropriately? Doesn't change the situation or make it right, but does it give insight to your DH's position where he might feel in a difficult position and so start thinking of the pennies being spent on not his child.

Expect I'll get flamed for daring to think DH might have a reason for his apparent meanness, but just wondering why it's come up after ten years.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 03/02/2022 10:26

Hold on.

All your money goes into the family pot. Bills are paid and then you get some spending money each. Anything your teen needs which is above "basic living stuff" has to he paid from your child maintenance? You're not allowed to take from the family pot? I assume the 2 joint children are covered in the family pot for whatever they need?

So... your husband gets his spending money, and can use the family pot for anything the 2 kids needs. You get your spending money and then can only use unreliable CM for what your teen needs? And now your husband also wants to take that away to cover the petrol?

So your teen gets very little... whilst the 2 youngest gets whatever they need from the family pot?

This is not a blended family. This is a husband who sees your teen as a hassle, and clearly now that he has his own children, he just wants your teen to have as little impact as possible so that he can have all the money goe the 2 youngest.

This is not a good man.

You're married. He's been around since the teen was 3. Everything, including child maintenance, should go into the family pot and all 3 kids get whatever they need whenever they need it (within your family budget). There should not be a separate little pot for you to spend on the teen and once that's gone, that's it whilst the 2 youngest have whatever. Nope. No way.

Itsalmostanaccessory · 03/02/2022 10:27

@CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo

It's one thing hating a man for not supporting their child. It's another hating a child for needing your support.

This is what I keep coming back to. You’ve been together 10 years OP - why is he raising these issues now, if your teen has been in his life since the age of three ?

Coming at this from a different angle, could it be the teeneager has reached the rebellious stage and says 'you're not my dad' when asked to do something or behave appropriately? Doesn't change the situation or make it right, but does it give insight to your DH's position where he might feel in a difficult position and so start thinking of the pennies being spent on not his child.

Expect I'll get flamed for daring to think DH might have a reason for his apparent meanness, but just wondering why it's come up after ten years.

But that's the same as kids shouting, "you're not the boss of me." And all the other nonsense they come out with.

It is hard. But you do have to rise above it and continue parenting with love.

bighugandkiss · 03/02/2022 10:29

This is why I would never subject my children to a blended family situation.

Your DH now has his own cute little children and the teen who has been part of his family for 10 years is being pushed out. This is not going to get any easier - teens get bigger, more opinionated, more expensive. Either you are a family or you are not.

If you are not then you'll have to earn more to cover the teen years and your DH will have to pick up more childcare costs for his children. But I would be rethinking my marriage at this point, your teen needs you to be on their side, especially if DH has now decided he is not.

You may have a problem with the maintenance payments but that is not anything to do with the teenager, and really not even to do with you if you have done everything you can to get your ex to pay. Your DH is using this as a stick to beat you both with.

RB68 · 03/02/2022 10:35

If your teen doesn't go on to Uni how will your current husband treat them - are they out on their ear as there will now be no maintenance? He really isn't a pleasant person is he

Nanny0gg · 03/02/2022 10:39

He really isn't a nice man, is he?

For once I do hope he reads this thread and wakes up.

What price does he put on your contribution to the family? I assume as you work part time the house/children stuff is down to you? Does he contribute other than financially?

JustLyra · 03/02/2022 10:43

@CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo

It's one thing hating a man for not supporting their child. It's another hating a child for needing your support.

This is what I keep coming back to. You’ve been together 10 years OP - why is he raising these issues now, if your teen has been in his life since the age of three ?

Coming at this from a different angle, could it be the teeneager has reached the rebellious stage and says 'you're not my dad' when asked to do something or behave appropriately? Doesn't change the situation or make it right, but does it give insight to your DH's position where he might feel in a difficult position and so start thinking of the pennies being spent on not his child.

Expect I'll get flamed for daring to think DH might have a reason for his apparent meanness, but just wondering why it's come up after ten years.

It’s very common for abuse and financial issues to come up during pregnancy and babyhood.

It’ll purely be because he now has his own children and resents the cuckoo in his nest.

bighugandkiss · 03/02/2022 10:43

Be careful about letting him read the thread OP, it's rarely a good idea.

BloomingTrees · 03/02/2022 10:45

Mostly I think if you form a family unit with a woman with a child who’s 3, then you treat them as your family, and that means expenses are family expenses and income is family income.

Parcelling out the ‘extra costs’ of one child when you got together with their mother ten plus years ago seems parsimonious in the extreme.

Haven't RTFT BUT this

pumpkinpie01 · 03/02/2022 10:47

So you have no financial worries and he yet he still acts like this over maintenance, unbelievable. For context we are not high earners , and my ex was extremely flaky with maintenance I would go months without any ,didn't bother my dh at all even thou he was paying for his sc , he just accepted it.

BlancheB · 03/02/2022 10:48

@bighugandkiss

Be careful about letting him read the thread OP, it's rarely a good idea.

Couldn't agree more!

Please do not show him the thread, this is your sounding board and who knows when you may need to come here for other advice. He will only use it against you rather than change his position. This should be a safe space for you.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 03/02/2022 10:48

Wow , just wow - I can’t believe this post.
No and definitely no!

cherryonthecakes · 03/02/2022 10:49

Having read your updates your h is being unfair.

I thought the petrol costs were because you were short of money and feeling guilty about spending CM on it. Your h is being petty not classing it as household expenditure

With the strict CM is for non-basic expenditure rule, your teenager is losing again. Who decides what is basic or luxury ? For example if he needed a new hoody but preferred a £50 one from JD over a £20 one from Primark, does the coat come out of the household pot? Most people add the CM to the household pot and don't resent their stepchild costing money. If finances were tight then they'd plan future kids taking into account the kids already here.

Have you discussed uni ? His student loan amount would depend on your household income (yours and your h not yours and your ex) and you'd be expected to make up the difference if your household income is high. With no CM, it will have to come out of the household pot.

Also what's the plan for when Cm stops? Will your son never get luxuries or will he only be provided with basics? Not all uni courses allow part-time working and depending on where you live, part-time working might need parents to finance a car and insurance.

Original poster
blendedfamilyopinionspls · 03/02/2022 10:49

I'm worried about showing him now. I haven't yet as he is at work.

What should I be worried about ?
He asked me to put a thread on here asking for unbiased opinions.

I have told him my views.

OP posts:
SusannaQueen · 03/02/2022 10:54

I think only one person has mentioned it. But if your teen is thinking of university, then you need to seriously look at how you will fund it, as your husbands wage will be taken into account and it sounds like he will resent that.

All it's concerning that you are worried about showing him this thread.

ImFree2doasiwant · 03/02/2022 10:54

No and no.

NoSquirrels · 03/02/2022 10:55

I’d say to him - I put a thread up, I tried to give it in as unbiased a way as possible but it is overwhelmingly saying you’re wrong, and sometimes not politely! You might feel hurt to read it.

Then suggest he posts himself from his point of view.

heldinadream · 03/02/2022 10:55

He asked for the thread? Hard not to show him then. He'd want to know why I assume. Oh dear.
A case of be careful what you wish for on his part.

Beamur · 03/02/2022 11:00

Uni is a good point. The resident parents income is the one that decides the loan amount. Regardless of whether your DH likes that or not, and your household will be expected to make up the shortfall. I have 2 SC who both went to Uni.

haismfh · 03/02/2022 11:03

I don't pay for the petrol out of CM. It does come out of the family pot. During discussions about NRP and CM this has been suggested, or that he wouldn't allow me to use the car to take child and NRP would have to collect and drop back child

He's a complete knob threatening that he "won't allow you to use the car" and while I can see why he's pissed off that the NRP isn't paying very much maintenance, I think he's horrible for taking it out on your child like that.
FFS, you can afford the petrol as a family.
You can afford to give him the same number of presents at Christmas.

How would he feel in a few years time if you two split up and his own children are living with a stepdad going on like that.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/02/2022 11:09
  1. No (unless there's loads of extra money left over)
  2. Absolutely not, what a disgusting thing to suggest
JustLyra · 03/02/2022 11:13

@blendedfamilyopinionspls

I'm worried about showing him now. I haven't yet as he is at work.

What should I be worried about ?
He asked me to put a thread on here asking for unbiased opinions.

I have told him my views.

Abusive people rarely like to see in black and white people pointing out their abuse.

Arsehole men also rarely like seeing that their behaviour is viewed as at least potentially abusive by people.

He’s very likely to pick apart your post and claim it wasn’t unbiased. That you didn’t emphasis his contributions enough, or point out how bad your ex is enough.

Tell him the Uni point that came up. His reaction to that will be very telling for you.