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Original poster

How to deal with being infertile at 32?

114 replies

lostlorus · 02/02/2022 19:45

I had an abortion when I was 19. I feel like this is my punishment now.

I had a MC at 6 weeks and then again at 13 weeks. The doctors have found a blocked tube on one side and a huge ovarian cyst on the other side - really huge, they can't see the difference between my ovary and the cyst. They think it's across both sides. It all has to come out.

I have an operation to have everything removed next month. I want to scream and scream.

I can't contemplate my life without having children. When my last pregnancy ended at 13weeks I was devastated. I dealt with it because I thought I could try again, but now there's no hope.

What's the point in my existence? Why has this happened to me? Maybe I don't eat enough fruit/ don't exercise enough/ am just incapable of being a mother?

I feel like there's no point in me existing. I know that's stupid, but I'm just under this big dark horrible cloud and I can't see a way out.

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
Roseandgeranium · 02/02/2022 19:58

I’m so sorry. This sounds incredibly hard. Have you been offered counselling? Is there any chance you might be able to do IVF to retrieve eggs from the ovary with the blocked tube? Sorry if that’s something you’ve already been advised won’t work, it just seems crazy that if you’ve fallen pregnant twice naturally that there should be nothing at all they can do.

seekinglondonlife · 02/02/2022 20:01

No advice OP but just wanted to say I'm really sorry. Can they do an egg retrieval before your surgery?

Original poster
lostlorus · 02/02/2022 20:05

Apparently there's nothing they can do. I haven't been offered counselling but I have tried it before privately; it wasn't for me unfortunately.

Or maybe I just haven't found the right counsellor? I'm so lost and confused.

Thank you so much for your replies, it means a lot.

OP posts:
AwkwardPaws27 · 02/02/2022 20:06

It's v unlikely your termination has any relation to the issues, but I understand how you feel (I had one at 16).
I had 3 MCs and it was shit, really shit. My gynaecologist found no issues (I've got fibroid but they didn't think they were related to the losses).
I'm now almost 23 weeks - the only difference was I was prescribed progesterone and a low dose of aspirin in this pregnancy.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 02/02/2022 20:07

So your ovary on one side (the blocked tube side) is viable?

UoMomster · 02/02/2022 20:11

So sorry OP sounds incredibly sad.
To ask a bit about it- ‘everything needs to come out’ is that a full hysterectomy with tubes and ovary removal?
Are they concerned it’s anything serious or just a benign tumour?
Please don’t see the ToP as punishment. I know it must be hard not to but that’s not how it works, I’m sure it was the right decision at the time 💕
Would you consider adoption in future? Surrogacy? Fostering? Children aren’t the be all and end all.
I would try counselling and also consider anti depressants for a while as you’re feeling so low.

Holly60 · 02/02/2022 20:14

Would you be able to carry a baby from a donor egg?

blyn72 · 02/02/2022 20:15

You are not going to have a hysterectomy I presume. Your blocked tube can be unblocked, ovarian cyst removed. You can still conceive with one ovary.

I'm sorry you are going through this but it has nothing to do with your abortion at nineteen.

babyjellyfish · 02/02/2022 20:16

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, OP.

What exactly "has to come out"?

Lollypop701 · 02/02/2022 20:19

How did you get pregnant if your ovaries aren’t functioning? One must be so can they not do egg retrieval? Sorry to be so unknowing op. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you’ve done nothing wrong and it’s not your fault

whatnumber · 02/02/2022 20:20

That sounds awful, it really does.
BUT it isn't a punishment. You did nothing wrong.
There may still be ways to have children and at your age you have time to make that happen.

lottiegarbanzo · 02/02/2022 20:21

How completely definite was the 'need to take everything out' advice? Was there any uncertainty about the ovary with the blocked tube?

I suppose I wonder whether it's worth asking for a second opinion within the NHS. But also, whether it might be worth an appointment with a private fertility clinic, taking your scans and notes along, to see if there's anything they think could be done, to rescue eggs or advise on options.

Original poster
lostlorus · 02/02/2022 20:21

Yes I also have a hydrosalpinx. Sorry if I've not been very clear. I'm just in state and can't seem to get my thoughts together.

They're removing both ovaries and both tubes. There was some discussion over the second ovary, however, the second consultant said it's consistent with the cyst and has become one mass which can't be separated.

OP posts:
Clymene · 02/02/2022 20:23

I'm so, so sorry. I don't have anything I can say that will make it better. I am just so very sorry.

Original poster
lostlorus · 02/02/2022 20:24

Thank you for replying x

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 02/02/2022 20:25

And no, there is no 'intention', no cause and effect. Shit happens. Sadly.

AwkwardPaws27 · 02/02/2022 20:25

Oh god, I'm sorry, my post was insensitive. I thought you meant they were removing the mass & blockage - I didn't realise you were losing the ovaries.

babyjellyfish · 02/02/2022 20:25

Oh that sounds really tough. Is there any possibility of doing an egg retrieval before your surgery so you might be able to do IVF later on?

Original poster
lostlorus · 02/02/2022 20:26

@AwkwardPaws27

Oh god, I'm sorry, my post was insensitive. I thought you meant they were removing the mass & blockage - I didn't realise you were losing the ovaries.
Don't be sorry, you were trying to help, so thank you for that! :)
OP posts:
Martinisarebetterdirty · 02/02/2022 20:31

You need time. It isn’t a punishment and there are other ways of having children. Scream and cry it out. Then get a second opinion. Then you may need to scream and cry some more. You have options, adoption is just one and surrogacy is another. You will get through this Flowers

HTH1 · 02/02/2022 20:32

I would get a second opinion, sounds like IVF can still be possible for women with that condition:

blog.drgeoffreysherivf.com/pelvic-inflammatory-disease-pid-tubal-damage-hydrosalpinx-preparing-ivf/

Original poster
lostlorus · 02/02/2022 20:33

@Martinisarebetterdirty

You need time. It isn’t a punishment and there are other ways of having children. Scream and cry it out. Then get a second opinion. Then you may need to scream and cry some more. You have options, adoption is just one and surrogacy is another. You will get through this Flowers
Thank you; sometimes it feels like it's a weakness, however, I know it's not. It does help, just doesn't solve. ☹️
OP posts:
Michellexxx · 02/02/2022 20:34

So sorry to read this. Have you tried to get a second opinion? There’s nothing I can’t say to make it better- perhaps try another counsellor incase it was that one was not for you. Cxx

Original poster
lostlorus · 02/02/2022 20:40

[quote HTH1]I would get a second opinion, sounds like IVF can still be possible for women with that condition:

blog.drgeoffreysherivf.com/pelvic-inflammatory-disease-pid-tubal-damage-hydrosalpinx-preparing-ivf/[/quote]
Thank you so much. Really ❤️

The problem is I have a huge cyst as well, which has attached to the ovary/ ovaries and can't be separated, even with surgery.

OP posts:
Opus17 · 02/02/2022 20:42

I'm really sorry, op. This must be devastating to hear.
After a MMC and then struggling ourselves, the one thing I've realised is fertility and mother nature can be cruel and unfair, and doesn't care who is on the receiving end... So basically this has nothing to do with your abortion or the fact you'd "be a bad mum". It's not your fault this has happened