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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to deal with being infertile at 32?

114 replies

lostlorus · 02/02/2022 19:45

I had an abortion when I was 19. I feel like this is my punishment now.

I had a MC at 6 weeks and then again at 13 weeks. The doctors have found a blocked tube on one side and a huge ovarian cyst on the other side - really huge, they can't see the difference between my ovary and the cyst. They think it's across both sides. It all has to come out.

I have an operation to have everything removed next month. I want to scream and scream.

I can't contemplate my life without having children. When my last pregnancy ended at 13weeks I was devastated. I dealt with it because I thought I could try again, but now there's no hope.

What's the point in my existence? Why has this happened to me? Maybe I don't eat enough fruit/ don't exercise enough/ am just incapable of being a mother?

I feel like there's no point in me existing. I know that's stupid, but I'm just under this big dark horrible cloud and I can't see a way out.

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:

Pfbing · 02/02/2022 20:44

Sorry if I've misread this, and sorry for the shit situation you are in. But am I right in thinking they are removing both tubes and both ovaries but leaving your uterus?

I'm saying this as a person who's had IVF and multiple failed IVF cycles at that, and I didn't always appreciate people saying "oh well you can just adopt" etc so apologies if this seems to come off like that. But I just wanted to mention donor eggs. It could be a possibility to go down that route and still have a child. We considered donor eggs in great detail as my own eggs were very poor quality. There are some great support networks on the infertility boards under donor conception.

Take care of yourself, I can't imagine what you must be feeling

babyjellyfish · 02/02/2022 20:44

Have you asked about whether you could do an egg retrieval before you have your ovaries removed and then do embryo transfers afterwards? I don't know whether this is possible but it would be well worth asking your doctor about. Or alternatively whether it would be possible to do IVF using donor eggs after you have had your ovaries removed.

Strawberryshortcake28 · 02/02/2022 20:47

This was me this time last year at 31 I'm not gna give u my success story cus it rarely helped me through my four years of heart ache

Pick a plan a route your gna go down and focus on that start putting all the steps in place mine was ivf so I focused to getting my body in shape and diet right for what it was about to go through

Focus on your happiness do little things that give you pleasure buy that handbag if you want it

I had my bad days where I cried and literally couldn't get up out of bed wouldnt walk my dog in the park too many prams and on those days may advice would be cry watch a sad movie have a glass of wine some chocolate then start again the next day it's so so hard but having an action plan and being proactive helps when your hugging ure baby one day you'll be so glad you never gave up

AnAverageMum · 02/02/2022 20:48

So sorry OP. Please don’t blame yourself… how could that be true? Many women who have had abortions have gone on to have children & some despicable parents are the most fertile. It’s not a game of fairness, unfortunately.

Get a second opinion, make sure it’s 100% unavoidable. Previous poster is right, time… you will find your way ❤️

Rrrob · 02/02/2022 20:49

For different reasons I wasn’t supposed to get pregnant naturally. After a grieving process I looked into donor eggs. Would donor egg ivf be possible? I know it’s not something to enter lightly and I’m not trying to minimise the pain you must be going through.

Tavelo · 02/02/2022 20:55

So sorry to read this, you poor thing. It's easy to start feeling like it's due to what happened in this past but those thoughts come from a dark place and they aren't true. Please take extra special care of yourself and remember you are entitled to a second doctor's opinion on the NHS. Pregnancy isn't the only way of having a family.

Original poster

lostlorus · 02/02/2022 20:56

I am overwhelmed by the replies, I didn't think
I'd get many.
Thank you all 🙏
My doctor hasn't really told me much in terms of next steps or how to move forward; he's just been very focused on the operation and I've been too distressed to question anything.

OP posts:

Ohpulltheotherone · 02/02/2022 20:58

OP this is heartbreaking.

All I would say is step back and go and get an opinion privately. I’m not suggesting your consultants are wrong at all.
But egg retrieval before the operation could be an option?
An initial appointment is usually a couple hundred of £s.

This is what I would do (I did seek private treatment a few years ago) in your shoes.
I appreciate it might not be possible or you may have already talked about egg retrieval.

I would suggest trying counselling again, you will get through this but having someone to hold your feelings whilst you do will help

Original poster

lostlorus · 02/02/2022 20:59

@Tavelo

Thank you, you're right, these thoughts come from a very dark place. I wish I could find the strength to rid myself of them.

OP posts:

Ohpulltheotherone · 02/02/2022 21:02

@lostlorus

I am overwhelmed by the replies, I didn't think I'd get many. Thank you all 🙏 My doctor hasn't really told me much in terms of next steps or how to move forward; he's just been very focused on the operation and I've been too distressed to question anything.

This is why I’d try to step back from the procedure side for a second, focus on what they can do to maximise or preserve any chances of retrieving your own eggs. It’s really common to not ask questions when you’re faced with a big shock, try writing them down as they come to you so you can try to clarify what you need to know x

Borderterrierpuppy · 02/02/2022 21:08

Hi Op I would definitely agree with everyone suggesting a second opinion.
Drs can be very focused on problem solving without really knowing your priorities.
The fact that you have has miscarriages means you definitely ovulate so there are eggs available. I would get a few opinions actually before making YOUR choice.

babyjellyfish · 02/02/2022 21:08

@lostlorus

I am overwhelmed by the replies, I didn't think I'd get many. Thank you all 🙏 My doctor hasn't really told me much in terms of next steps or how to move forward; he's just been very focused on the operation and I've been too distressed to question anything.

If there is to be any hope of you having a baby using your own eggs, this needs to be addressed before your operation.

Your distress is totally understandable but time is of the essence here. When are you next seeing your doctor? At your next appointment, before you discuss anything else, tell him you want to talk about fertility preservation, including whether it would be possible to do an egg retriveal prior to the operation.

Do you have a partner? IVF success rates tend to be better with frozen embryos than frozen eggs.

If your doctor says it's not possible or doesn't seem interested in the fertility preservation aspect, absolutely get a second opinion before you move forward with anything.

You don't want to look back on this years from now and not be sure you did everything you could.

beaverdiego · 02/02/2022 21:14

I'm really sorry to hear this.

Can't offer any meaningful help or advice other than to say I've recently found out that implantation is likely going to be difficult for me, don't even know if it's possible. I can't get my head around it either. Please please don't blame yourself or feel guilt for your previous abortion, this is not your fault.

BreakfastClub80 · 02/02/2022 21:14

I’m so sorry OP, that must have been a huge shock. Is the operation urgent? I’d also be trying to get a second opinion and/or asking for further information to see if it’s possible to obtain any eggs before the op. It may be too dangerous (the ovaries increase in size significantly when all egg follicles are allowed to grow, as opposed to the natural process where only one is released per month) but I think you should explain your strong desire for a family to see if there are any other options at this point.

Please don’t blame yourself, it’s just not worth it, there are so many reasons for these things to happen. Bad luck predominately. Take care

greatape · 02/02/2022 21:37

You poor love, my heart goes out to you.

I had similar news although not so extreme and I remember feeling numb. Once the fog had lifted and after my consultant appointment (who was all about the operation healing and only spared a minute for the fact I couldn't conceive without significant intervention) I started reading. I armed myself with knowledge and made a plan. I was able to go private for treatment which is very privileged but if at all manageable would be worth looking into for fertility issues. It gave me back some feeling if control.

I am a little hesitant to mention this but as well as working out my plan I did set an end date and we also started to think of what a different life would look like. It was very painful but I had to started reframing my expectations. I didn't have counselling in the end but I had it lined up and in hindsight I should have had it anyway as this episode had a devastating impact on my mental health despite the fact I had successful treatment.

All the very best

Aisten · 02/02/2022 21:39

It's shit. Really shit. I'm so sorry, that this has been taken away from you and through no fault of your own. Life is grossly unfair.

I can't have children either and I think some part of me will always be in denial, it's a rollercoaster of emotions - heartbreak, sometimes weirdly relief, then sadness again- there's no right or wrong way to process this but you're doing amazingly well just talking typing things out.

ShootForTheBars · 02/02/2022 21:49

Hi OP,

So sorry. It’s grief and it’s hard.

Please look at making contact with the childfree-following-infertility community on Facebook and Instagram. Start on IG with @ Chasing Creation. She’s inspirational and shares a lot from other women who have been what you are going through.

Also @ Tanya Hubbard who is a woman also childfree following infertility but she specialises in helping women processing the grief.

Screenshots attached.

HabitsDieHard · 02/02/2022 21:50

please do scream and scream, if it makes you feel self conscious try doing it into a pillow when nobody else is home. It actually helps.
Nothing you did, or did not do, caused this to happen. It is one of life's shit things, that has happened, unfortunately, to you.
Perhaps a different counsellor might suit you better, they're not all the same and whether you click with them matters.
Sorry for your loss

AnotherEmma · 02/02/2022 21:50

Very sorry for your losses and for finding yourself in this painful situation

Everyone has already shared lots of good advice. I just wanted to add that counselling is for everyone and you just haven't found the right counsellor. Obviously for now your priority will be getting a second opinion and getting through the procedure, but please do also get counselling.

HikingforScenery · 02/02/2022 21:52

So sorry OP. You have purpose indeed even if you ended up not having biological children

Tilltheend99 · 02/02/2022 21:55

I agree with some of the other posters who are saying try to take a step back

Write down every question you have no matter how small

Do as much extra research as you can

Try to get a second opinion on the viability of saving your eggs

I had serious surgery on my uterus before I was luckily able to finally get pregnant and when researching and preparing for that I read that up until recently it was still common for doctors to recommend women just got everything removed without much consideration for the impact on women and is a symptom of sexism/lack of research into women’s reproductive health.

Really hope you are able to find a doctor who will help save an ovary or egg but even if not you will be able to be a wonderful adoptive mother one day once you have come to terms with the awful situation you have found yourself it.

(Was a chance of coming out of my op with everything removed so can relate to how you are feeling. The limb and long drawn out process of getting everything sorted are awful)

Tilltheend99 · 02/02/2022 21:56

*limbo

seven201 · 02/02/2022 21:56

I'm so sorry. Seeing as you've been able to fall pregnant is there no way of harvesting some eggs through ivf and then storing them in case you choose to go down the surrogacy route later?

I've tried infertility counselling before and didn't find it helpful, but I do think it is to do with finding the right counsellor. I think it would be worth trying another one as this is a huge thing to process.

Sycamor · 02/02/2022 22:03

I was diagnosed as menopausal when I was 24yrs. A long hard egg donor journey later and I've 3 kids that still won't bloody go to sleep! Look into egg donation. But also always have a plan b, a back up u can live with if plan a doesn't work. And it's ok to be angry but don't be angry at yourself. You've done nothing wrong.

blyn72 · 02/02/2022 22:09

@lostlorus

Yes I also have a hydrosalpinx. Sorry if I've not been very clear. I'm just in state and can't seem to get my thoughts together.

They're removing both ovaries and both tubes. There was some discussion over the second ovary, however, the second consultant said it's consistent with the cyst and has become one mass which can't be separated.

Please do get a second opinion. It's within your rights to ask for one. If the second gynaecologist says the same, at least you'll know you tried.

I am so, so sorry you are going through this nightmare.

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