How to deal with being infertile at 32?

[lostlorus]

I had an abortion when I was 19. I feel like this is my punishment now.

I had a MC at 6 weeks and then again at 13 weeks. The doctors have found a blocked tube on one side and a huge ovarian cyst on the other side - really huge, they can't see the difference between my ovary and the cyst. They think it's across both sides. It all has to come out.

I have an operation to have everything removed next month. I want to scream and scream.

I can't contemplate my life without having children. When my last pregnancy ended at 13weeks I was devastated. I dealt with it because I thought I could try again, but now there's no hope.

What's the point in my existence? Why has this happened to me? Maybe I don't eat enough fruit/ don't exercise enough/ am just incapable of being a mother?

I feel like there's no point in me existing. I know that's stupid, but I'm just under this big dark horrible cloud and I can't see a way out.

Can anyone relate?

I think you need to make an appointment to talk through a long list of questions with your consultant. It must be difficult to think straight and ask the right questions when you've been giving such distressing information.

A friend ( similar age) had confirmed ovarian cancer and needed pelvic clearance- but was still able to collect eggs and freeze embryos before surgery. So, it could be possible.

Have you had a laparoscopy? It can be difficult to tell what surgery is needed and whether an ovary can be saved by scans. The surgeon can make better decisions when directly visualising the area. In my experience, they may ask for consent to remove both ovaries just in case , but try to save one.

Surgeons have different practical skills, someone may be able to dissect off the cyst. Definitely worth asking.

Much will depend what's causing the cyst. Do they know? Do they think you may have endometriosis? If so it would be worth asking for a referral to a BSGE registered Endometriosis Centre, where there are specialist surgeons that may be able to help.

I’m so sorry, it’s utterly devastating news for you. I do agree that you should list all your questions, your “what if’s”, all of it, and talk through them before any further action is taken. If nothing else, it will help you process what’s happening as it sounds like you’ve been given a lot of information in one go. Take care xx

You have my sympathy.

We had to come to terms with our daughter hearing that she is infertile. A long history of endometriosis it caused more damage than was thought.
She has just got on with her life and career. We think she has just buried it deep within. Not how I would have reacted at all.
May I suggest finding someone in similar situation to talk with. You would then be on level terms, not Therapist/Counsellor and patient/client

So sorry to hear this :(
I'd also advise getting a second opinion and talking to a fertility specialist.
I'd be concerned that your doctor is pushing for surgery without even discussing fertility options.
Unless it's life-threatening, I'd delay the surgery. Once it done, you can't undo it.

I don’t have much advice because I honestly don’t know much about your condition and I don’t want to give you false advice, but I just wanted to say I’m so very sorry, I can’t imagine how you’re feeling trying to process this. You have all of my sympathies, I really will keep you in my thoughts.

If it’s possible to get a second opinion

Accidentally posted too soon!

But if you do have a chance to get a second opinion then I would say to do it, just in case the can retrieve any eggs before your surgery.

Again I’m so very sorry OP, sometimes the works is such a cruel place

Have you seen anyone privately? What "isn't possible" on the NHS doesn't always mean isn't possible, it can mean isnt "cost effective etc.

It doesnt sound promising, but I think it can be easier to accept a truly shit situation if you know you did everything you could to explore possibilities.

This is not your fault. It must be very painful 💔 but it's not a punishment.

@OfstedOffred

Have you seen anyone privately? What "isn't possible" on the NHS doesn't always mean isn't possible, it can mean isnt "cost effective etc.

It doesnt sound promising, but I think it can be easier to accept a truly shit situation if you know you did everything you could to explore possibilities.

This. In a non-fertility context, I have known people who were told by their doctors that they had to have an amputation in one case / surgery leading to a colostomy bag in another. Turned out (following private consultations in both cases) that neither was needed.

That's quite scary, HTH.

So sorry that you are going through this OP. I similarly had an abortion at 19 and then struggled with infertility later on. I spent years struggling to accept my decision to have an abortion when I struggled to conceive years later I felt just like you and that I was being punished. Hindsight is a wonderful thing though. I have finally accepted the abortion was the right thing at the right time. There came a point where I had to accept it to move on. I think foremost you should take the time to get all the information you need and put your health first. There are many roads that can lead to motherhood and when and if you feel ready these are the things you can explore.

@maddening

If you will still have your womb can they not save eggs prior to removing the ovaries so you can still use ivf in the future?

You have to have ivf to save eggs. They aren't just 'there' unfortunately.

I'm so sorry. I had a MMC at 12 weeks and then couldn't conceive for a year due to ovulation not starting up again it made me feel very hopeless. I can't imagine how painful your situation must be. Please go and speak to your GP about anti depressants - they may help you through this. Also look for a therapist specialising in infertility and give it another go. All therapists are different

For you

Sorry, I've not been ignoring you all! I feel very grateful for the replies. Thank you so much 🙏 having a good read through everything now.