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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

How to deal with being infertile at 32?

114 replies

lostlorus · 02/02/2022 19:45

I had an abortion when I was 19. I feel like this is my punishment now.

I had a MC at 6 weeks and then again at 13 weeks. The doctors have found a blocked tube on one side and a huge ovarian cyst on the other side - really huge, they can't see the difference between my ovary and the cyst. They think it's across both sides. It all has to come out.

I have an operation to have everything removed next month. I want to scream and scream.

I can't contemplate my life without having children. When my last pregnancy ended at 13weeks I was devastated. I dealt with it because I thought I could try again, but now there's no hope.

What's the point in my existence? Why has this happened to me? Maybe I don't eat enough fruit/ don't exercise enough/ am just incapable of being a mother?

I feel like there's no point in me existing. I know that's stupid, but I'm just under this big dark horrible cloud and I can't see a way out.

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:

AllOfUsAreDead · 03/02/2022 06:55

Definitely ask for a second opinion and if they can save some eggs so that surrogacy could be an option if you wanted that.

Doctors aren't always right. I've known of major things about to happen to people until another doctor gave a different opinion. Same for surgeons. Some are better than others, more specialised in different fields.

babyjellyfish · 03/02/2022 06:57

@cereallover

I'm so sorry 😞 I'm adopted, is this something you would want to do?

I know it's not the same. I'm so sorry again.

I hope you don't think people's comments above mean they don't think having adopted children is as valid as having biological children. Just that adopted children aren't a consolation prize for infertility.

BananaBlue · 03/02/2022 07:20

OP -

As others won’t go into my story but lots of IVF and MC’s.

During my journey I had a gynae Dr tell me she knew very very little about reproduction, it does actually make sense that while there’s an overlap the specialism and focus is very different.

I’m saying this as IMO before the op a second opinion with a Reproductive consultant will be useful. Your GP may be able to help with getting a referral.

Depends on how urgent the op is of course and I’m not a HCP at all.

BananaBlue · 03/02/2022 07:23

Oh FYI - my tubes are completely deformed and cause of my infertility.

Just in case that nugget of info is helpful.

IsabelHerna · 03/02/2022 07:25

I am sorry you're going through all this pain, but this is not your fault. I cannot make it better, or offer a solution but I dont think it's not time to give up yet!

Have you gotten a 2nd/3rd opinion? Is there a viable way to retrieve some eggs to fertilize, then deal with the cysts and then proceed with IVF?

As for counselling, there are specialists that deal with fertility problems, so they should be able to support you better and find ways to help you.

Lots of hugs x

stripylioness · 03/02/2022 10:45

I would get a second opinion op. And also look at if any eggs can be retrieved. Sorry you're going through this.

I don't think it's anything to do with your termination though.

cereallover · 03/02/2022 10:51

@babyjellyfish I'm sorry I have aspergers and I don't understand your message. If I've upset you with my reply to op I'm sorry.

Mollysocks · 03/02/2022 10:52

I feel for you OP as I’m in the same boat and have just started coming to terms with it. My infertility came from undiagnosed endo which I was gaslighted about for years so I have a lot of anger I’m dealing with too.

This jumped out me though ‘What's the point in my existence?’ and I mean this kindly, that sounds like internalised misogyny and our patriarchal society talking. Please don’t think the worthiness of your existence is measured by having children or not. I’ve had all these thoughts myself I don’t mean to come across curt, but they haven’t helped me at all.

MabelsApron · 03/02/2022 10:59

Firstly, I'm so, so sorry for what you're going through.

I had to have a life-saving full hysterectomy at 32, so I have some understanding of where you're coming from though of course it's different for everyone.

Do you have time before your op to explore your options? It sounds like your doctors are pushing for the surgery so it may be life-endangering. But, if there is time, then I strongly suggest making contact with fertility specialists to see if there's anything that can be done. The Daisy Network is an excellent charity and they may have contacts or be able to signpost you to someone who can properly advise. If you have time, then don't give up just yet.

I'd also strongly suggest counselling, with someone with a specific focus on grief and/or loss. The medical procedure coupled with the emotional upheaval to your life is an absolute doozy, and there's no shame in requiring support to get through it.

If you ever want to chat to someone, feel free to DM me. I'm nearly 4 years on from my own experience and time does help (though I didn't want to hear that at the time, and you mightn't either!)

Superhanz · 03/02/2022 11:36

I'm so sorry OP, I can kind of relate. I had an abortion in my early twenties and then a early miscarriage a few years later. I started trying with my husband when I was 31 and nothing happened for 3 years, so we did ivf and I had a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks. I honestly started believing I was being punished. I had a low amh meaning not many eggs left and I really thought that was the end of motherhood for me. I started to consider donor eggs, it wasn't a route that I'd ever thought I'd have to go down but I found myself regularly on the donor eggs boards and started to find some peace with it.

I got to age 38 and all my friends had children, it was hard to feel like I was left behind but I took solace in my wonderful nephews and my sister allowed me to be a 2nd mum to them which was the next best thing. 2 days before my 39th birthday I found out I was pregnant and now have my miracle DD.

I know my circumstances were slightly different but I can empathise with the pain at thinking I might never be a mother. If you have considered donor eggs I think you might be eligible for ivf with donor eggs on NHS due to your circumstances. There is always hope. Sending you virtual hugs 🫂

Ozanj · 03/02/2022 11:43

I would suggest going to an IVF clinic for a second opinion. The NHS doesn’t always prioritise fertility / eggs when discussing treatment options and so you don’t always get told of all your options properly until you involve a private fertility consultant. Anyway my best friend had something similar you on both sides - NHS consultant recommended ovary removal. Fertility consultant from Care Fertility in Birmingham (but obvs choose whichever you want) suggested trying a procedure that drilled into the ovary / cyst to try and remove it. It took 3 drillings across a year but they did manage to save one ovary (she lost one ovary and 2 tubes) but she did manage to undergo two successful IVF cycles.

nameisnotimportant · 03/02/2022 11:44

I would definitely get a second opinion before you have everything taken out. I would also ask for a scan of the ovaries next month too. Ovaries and cysts can fluctuate so much.

JamieNorthlife · 03/02/2022 12:36

@lostlorus

I am overwhelmed by the replies, I didn't think I'd get many. Thank you all 🙏 My doctor hasn't really told me much in terms of next steps or how to move forward; he's just been very focused on the operation and I've been too distressed to question anything.

OP, can you ask for a 2nd opinion?

he's just been very focused on the operation and I've been too distressed to question anything.

You should not go for a procedure while feeling distressed. Please ask your doctor as many questions as you need and ask for a 2nd opinion or to be seen by a ovarian cyst clinic consultant.

RantyAunty · 03/02/2022 12:46

As PPs have said, seek out another opinion and see if there is a way to save any eggs or an embryo.

Insist that you are heard!!

MMMarmite · 03/02/2022 12:56

Agree about asking for a second opinion. This operation is too big a step too go into without fully heard and completely understanding all your options.

LittleGwyneth · 03/02/2022 13:07

You're not infertile, you're having issues with infertility. It's not necessarily a permeant state and there is plenty you can do to work through it. You've got several years until your age is a major factor in your fertility declining.

I understand why you feel that way about the abortion - I've been there. But they are two completely unrelated things. You do not get cysts or blockages from having an abortion over a decade ago. It is not a punishment.

I find that being proactive in these circumstances is the best thing. You are getting pregnant, just not staying pregnant. Have they offered you progesterone for if/when it happens again? There are studies which suggest it can make a major difference.

headspin10 · 03/02/2022 13:58

I'm so so sorry to hear this.

I would get a second opinion on the medical side before agreeing to any surgery.

And Try a different counsellor (the person REALLY matters and if you find the right one they can be priceless).

My OH is one of 3 brothers, one is full relative, other is no blood relation at all. He is close to both but especially the no blood relation one. They are definitely the closest.

babyjellyfish · 03/02/2022 14:48

[quote cereallover]@babyjellyfish I'm sorry I have aspergers and I don't understand your message. If I've upset you with my reply to op I'm sorry.[/quote]
Not at all.

I was one of several people who said that suggesting the OP adopt is not a helpful thing to say.

But since you said you were adopted, I didn't want you to think I don't think adoption is a worthwhile thing to do, or that having an adopted child isn't as good as having a biological child.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 03/02/2022 14:54

I'm really sorry to read this. This is not your fault because u had an abortion. I have only been pregnant once in my life. I have endometriosis. I came to terms with one child but it took a while. I know I have one but she was a hugely lucky shot. I know someone who had an abortion when young and can't have children for other reasons. Life is shit but don't blame yourself

maddening · 03/02/2022 14:55

If you will still have your womb can they not save eggs prior to removing the ovaries so you can still use ivf in the future?

AfterGlow87 · 03/02/2022 15:04

Hi OP
I’m really sorry to read this and it must be a terrible shock. Has your doctor mentioned fertility preservation?? Even if one ovary is affected with the cyst, there is still a good possibility to get eggs from the other one. An egg retrieval can be possible even with a hydrosalpinx in place - I’ve seen it done.

I would push your doctor for a referral before any surgery is done - I’m a healthcare professional myself and have seen male doctors not even offer a referral to a fertility clinic because they “hadn’t thought of it”. Just to give you some options as it can be so overwhelming when you’re in the middle of everything.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/02/2022 15:06

I really do think that seeing a fertility specialist could help you. They will be focused on questions of fertility and conception. Your consultant is focused on questions of your health. Of course both are important but no-one is going to do anything that would endanger your health. It is possible that your current team aren't giving a lot of thought to your fertility and happiness.

cereallover · 03/02/2022 15:08

@babyjellyfish ah I understand. Thank you 😊

feelsobadfeltsogood · 03/02/2022 15:10

@lostlorus
I'm so sorry to read this
Before you have any operations book a consultation with this lady

https://finder.bupa.co.uk/Consultant/view/161492/miss maisaa_salman

She's amazing she helped my friend who had a large cyst removed and tubes un-blocked who now has twins

Give them a call 📞

billy1966 · 03/02/2022 15:12

You poor, poor pet.

I am so sorry for your bad luck.

That is all it is, shit luck.

Nothing whatsoever to do with a tough decision you made when you were very young.

Try not to connect the two, they are completely unconnected.

Great advice above.

Mind yourself and be kind to yourself.

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