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Original poster

How to deal with being infertile at 32?

114 replies

lostlorus · 02/02/2022 19:45

I had an abortion when I was 19. I feel like this is my punishment now.

I had a MC at 6 weeks and then again at 13 weeks. The doctors have found a blocked tube on one side and a huge ovarian cyst on the other side - really huge, they can't see the difference between my ovary and the cyst. They think it's across both sides. It all has to come out.

I have an operation to have everything removed next month. I want to scream and scream.

I can't contemplate my life without having children. When my last pregnancy ended at 13weeks I was devastated. I dealt with it because I thought I could try again, but now there's no hope.

What's the point in my existence? Why has this happened to me? Maybe I don't eat enough fruit/ don't exercise enough/ am just incapable of being a mother?

I feel like there's no point in me existing. I know that's stupid, but I'm just under this big dark horrible cloud and I can't see a way out.

Can anyone relate?

OP posts:
BottleOfSun · 02/02/2022 22:32

I’m so sorry OP I myself have been diagnosed with infertility due to other reasons, but all the same being told you won’t conceive can be crushing and make you feel less of a woman. You must try and remember you a whole person who deserves to be loved and have a great life, I won’t patronise you with the whole why don’t you adopt bull that people throw around but you are totally within your rights to mourn the loss of the life you thought you would lead. By all means explore a second opinion what harm can it cause! Gentle hugs xx

Pastnowfuture · 02/02/2022 22:36

Salt water and honey is a helpful blog about infertility but it's heavily influenced by the Christian faith so not for everyone.

You are not being punished for your abortion as you did nothing wrong.

Viviennemary · 02/02/2022 22:45

I would get a second opinion on this before you agree to have both your ovaries removed. If both ovaries are non functional you wouldnt have got pregnant. I wouldnt agree to this surgery unless my life was in danger.,

silentpool · 02/02/2022 22:50

Please get another opinion, OP. Just so if you do need to proceed, you will not have what ifs in the back of your mind.

If you can write down some questions and then take someone to the appointment with you to ensure you get your concerns addressed, I think that will be helpful. Doctors tend to be very sure of themselves and it's easy to get railroaded.

It's helpful to ask them questions about the various options as other posters have mentioned. They often seem to go for the get it all out approach and it's worthwhile asking what all the alternatives and consequences of those are.

Sedai · 02/02/2022 23:10

I'm so sorry you're going through this OP.
If I can share my experience - I had a lovely, easy pregnancy until I got to 30 weeks and learned my son had trisomy 13. He died at 32 weeks. I got pregnant since and miscarried at 5 weeks. My mc will be a year ago in March.
After losing my son, I went through a dark, dark time. I too felt like life had no meaning anymore. I just didn't see the reason to go on. That darkness did pass. I don't have a living child as of yet, and whilst I hope I do, I promise you I enjoy life again. It has so much to offer and I have learned that I am enough. Probably the hardest lesson I've had to learn and the most heartbreaking, but I am and I do.
I'm thinking of you, and I would say scream it out. Do what you need to do. This darkness will pass, even though it feels like it won't. I see PPs have given great suggestions on other options.
Feel free to send me a wee PM. I can't help but I'll happily listen and understand

3Daddy31982 · 02/02/2022 23:14

Surrogate? Adoption? Foster? A lot of children need love

massiveblob · 02/02/2022 23:15

Stop the process until you have ALL your questions answered. All the things raised on this thread. And if you feel you want to, get a second opinion x

massiveblob · 02/02/2022 23:18

Counselling - sometimes you have to process the info first. Only then will you be ready to talk about how you feel. Might just be too soon

ABitOfAShitShow · 02/02/2022 23:21

You’re going to be ok. You’re going to rally. You have other options. It’s just been a big shock.

I’m not sure it works here but you can have some of my 37-year old eggs? My body has taken a fair bit of abuse and whatnot but fertility is not one of my health issues. I definitely wouldn’t come looking for them once hatched, I’ll tell you that.

BottleOfSun · 02/02/2022 23:25

@3Daddy31982

Surrogate? Adoption? Foster? A lot of children need love
Do you know how offensive and insensitive this is? Being told you can’t naturally have your own biological children is devastating! Adoption or fostering isn’t a consolation prize!!
VanillaSpiceCandle · 02/02/2022 23:26

@3Daddy31982

Surrogate? Adoption? Foster? A lot of children need love
Comments like this are really unhelpful. Adoption needs to be a very considered process and not everyone is able to do that. Fostering is totally different as the child has parents who they may be placed back with. I won’t comment on surrogacy as it’s very controversial.

How many children have you adopted/fostered or carried as a surrogate?

OP to echo others I’d definitely look into an egg retrieval if you can although you could be at more risk of developing OHSS. You could even opt for embryo banking if you have a current partner or chose do use donor sperm? Embryos have a much better success rate than defrosted unfertilised eggs do.

ABitOfAShitShow · 02/02/2022 23:28

Do your plans - write down questions, ask current doctor, then do it again with another one.

And then just let yourself be sad. Like after an awful breakup. Just cry and wail and vent and then do it all again the next day. Eventually, you won’t need to do it so often.

You have options for children that will make you just as happy as brewing them yourself.

Take care, sweetheart. And maybe ask the doc for some benzos to get you through this bit. I probably wouldn’t do counselling just yet. Give yourself a moment to simmer.

toomanypillows · 02/02/2022 23:33

I was 32 when I was (bluntly) informed I was infertile.

Like others, I won't give you my story as it doesn't help to hear what other people did - they're not you. But when the dust settles, then you can start looking at other options if that's what you want. There are paths you can walk down. It's so hard right now but there are some choices that you can make when you're ready.

Feel free to pm. I'm 48 now and I have 2 glorious children.

user1471604848 · 02/02/2022 23:45

I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Would you consider donor eggs? When I was infertile, I didn't even know that was an option (I thought it was only for super-rich celebrities). The day my consultant suggested that option, it was like a light of hope.
I now have beautiful twins.

PurplePansy05 · 02/02/2022 23:57

OPFlowers It's nothing you've done, honestly. I never had an abortion and then went on to have 3 miscarriages in a row before having my son, reason unknown until this day, all tests came back perfect. Unfortunately, bad things happen to people and you have no control over this. I can feel you're in shock and deeply upset and that's completely understandable. Take tonight and tomorrow to get a little bit of rest and gather your thoughts. Research a bit more over the weekend, I'm not a doctor but based on what you've said I don't see how an egg retrieval or egg donor IVF would be impossible . Please do not go ahead with the removal without having a second opinion on the NHS first and I'd personally go private on top of it after you've researched a bit more about your issues. All the best to you Flowers xx

JulesRimetStillGleaming · 03/02/2022 00:12

I can relate. I'm 45. I've wanted kids my whole life. Didn't meet the right partner so decided to go it alone 5 years ago. I've been trying but apart from one early miscarriage in 2020, I can't get pregnant.

I feel like life isn't worth living most days and blame myself for leaving it too late. Objectively both me and you have had horrible luck and it isn't our fault but it's hard to remain objective.

I don't have any advice but I sympathise.

I will start the adoption process but I'm not emotionally ready yet.

gaia · 03/02/2022 02:12

I’m sorry you’ve had such bad news. But seconding what other posters have said I think you need a second opinion, preferably from a fertility specialist. Your tubes may not be working but if there’s a possibility that the ovaries are still functioning then egg retrieval could be an option before surgery.
Also removing both ovaries brings on menopause so you really need careful counselling about the options to mitigate that.

Hop27 · 03/02/2022 02:27

Hi OP, I would seek a 2nd opinion. Unless your surgery is needed to preserve life, I would fully explore all your options - even if you need to find a way to go private.
You are still so young 💕 Too young to just accept that is the ONLY option available to you.

blyn72 · 03/02/2022 02:34

@3Daddy31982

Surrogate? Adoption? Foster? A lot of children need love
That is an inappropriate suggestion. Taking on a child that you haven't borne is no easy alternative, it is actually quite difficult and often results in disappointment.

The op is at the point where it looks as though she will not be able to have a child (though we still hope), and she needs to grieve over and come to terms with that before thinking of anything else.

Angliski · 03/02/2022 04:13

Hi OP I’m really sorry to hear all you are going through.

I’ve been through my own infertility journey and want to telly ou that you aren’t alone. It’s so hard to explain how painful it feels to struggle to conceive. My what goes out to you.

I second the view to:

Get a second opinion
Discuss how you harvest eggs before any long term impact/ irreversible surgery is performed
I have a ds through donor eggs and happy to chat about the journey to get there if that would be helpful.

Take good care. Be gentle.

babyjellyfish · 03/02/2022 05:55

@3Daddy31982

Surrogate? Adoption? Foster? A lot of children need love
I can't believe there are still people who haven't got the message that this is a really unkind thing to say.
WhyYesYABU · 03/02/2022 06:35

Its absolutely not punishment for the abortion anymore than anyone receiving any other rotten luck is punishment for their decisions. You made the best decision at the time with the circumstances, information and feelings you had. I'm so sorry Flowers

Whatsonmymindgrapes · 03/02/2022 06:44

That’s really hard, I’m so sorry Op. allow yourself to be upset, allow yourself to be angry, take a year and concentrate on loving yourself, being kind to yourself, being the number one priority and then in a year start thinking about a way forward if that is adoption or another path. Good luck

cereallover · 03/02/2022 06:48

I'm so sorry 😞
I'm adopted, is this something you would want to do?

I know it's not the same. I'm so sorry again.

ladygindiva · 03/02/2022 06:52

Oh please don't describe your mc as a punishment for anything. I'm so sorry for your losses. I terminated my first pregnancy as I was 17, and years later suffered a MC of my second pregnancy. I remember feeling like you do. I have gone on to have dc. And I have met alot of women who have had an abortion, for all kinds of reasons. It's not something that needs to be punished. There are a lot of us, who have done this, and we understand you, and you did nothing wrong.

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