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AIBU?

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Original poster

DH and vasectomy

133 replies

namechangedforthiss1 · 02/02/2022 17:00

Another one of those threads I know I know Blush

So DH and I had 2 DC, I came off contraception due to migraines acne and weight gain and tracked ovulation to avoid pregnancy, ended up pregnant after 8 months as we clearly couldn't say no TMI I know, all good discussed our options and both happy to be having a 3rd, but I'm done, do NOT want anymore babies after this one.

Told DH he needs to look into getting the snip, I believe iv put my body through more than enough giving us 3 DC but regardless I asked about having my tubes done and my consultant has said no, I am to young at risk of haemorrhage and she said the risk of it failing is 1 in 120 women which then can lead to an ectopic pregnancy.

He has agreed but not looked into it at all, coming to the end of the pregnancy now so tried to bring it up again and he just does not want to talk about it shuts me off straight away!

So what do I do? He cant use condoms so its not an option unfortunately!

OP posts:
Broads93 · 02/02/2022 18:29

@FrippEnos

Broads93

I don't disagree with the condom wearing etc.

But I am going to point out that
"get it done or no sex" is wrong, and is very different to
"I don't want to get pregnant, you won't wear a condom so no sex"

So what other option do they have ? Going through child birth 3 times for her DP to say "it's abit of an inconvenience so I'm not doing it" is a massive kick in the teeth don't you think? A relationship is about being in an equal partnership, there's no equality in this situation.
Hankunamatata · 02/02/2022 18:30

The nhs wait time here is 2 years for a vasectomy.

WonderfulYou · 02/02/2022 18:30

The thing is with all the 'he can't have sex them' type comments, is that punishes the op too, who presumably, likes having sex. Sex isn't a reward for men, it should be mutual fun.

I agree.
And if he can’t get an errection without a condom that’s not fair on OP either.

Hankunamatata · 02/02/2022 18:31

Your going to need some form of contraceptive while henis waiting for vasectomy or you are going to get pregnant again

PlugUgly1980 · 02/02/2022 18:41

No wait in our area on the NHS. DH was a little taken back how quickly he got an appointment following his referral, but the NHS seemed to be sending patients into the private sector here to have them.

Isonthecase · 02/02/2022 18:51

We've had quite a long wait from booking so suggest getting a move on. Unless he wants to risk you bleeding out and have to raise 4 kids by himself?

2bazookas · 02/02/2022 18:52

@namechangedforthiss1

He's never been able to "keep it up" we have tried lots of different brands and larger sizes but it just doesn't work Blush
Then tell him he's got a choice between no sex at all, failed sex with condom, and vasectomy.
2bazookas · 02/02/2022 18:54

@Hankunamatata

The nhs wait time here is 2 years for a vasectomy.
A private vasectomy is far cheaper than raising another child.
DebiNewberry1997 · 02/02/2022 18:56

It took dh ages to get his head round it. He worked up the courage eventually. It's a big deal. Well, I think it is. A hysterectomy or a tube tie would be a big thing for me to consider. I think just talk about it loads and be really kind to each other.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/02/2022 18:57

You are being extremely passive about this op, whilst your husband is being extremely selfish.

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 02/02/2022 18:58

My DP has just gone on the waiting list. I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd and he just wasn't getting on with booking himself in.
It turns out he was waiting to ensure this baby makes it out ok. I told him straight that it doesn't matter what happens to this baby. I WILL NOT go through another pregnancy.
We've been told there's no vasectomy's in our area for the foreseeable future so I think it's in your best interests to make sure your DH gets on that list immediately in case you're in a similarly scarce area.
If he's not getting on with it then say no sex. None at all.

Bergamotte · 02/02/2022 19:00

Has he tried seeing if he can "keep it up" if you use a femidom / female condom?

fantasmasgoria1 · 02/02/2022 19:00

If I had not already been sterilised when I met my Fiance he said he would have had a vasectomy and was considering it even before we met because he would eventually likely end up in a ltr anyway which he did.

Ihaveamagicwand · 02/02/2022 19:03

If his reaction to using condoms is due to lack of sensation have you tried ‘gel charging’? Google ‘gel charging a condom’ to get the method.
I had the same situation some years ago. 3 children, reluctant DH, couldn’t take any type of pill as my hormones have always been all over the place,

Ihaveamagicwand · 02/02/2022 19:11

Ahh, posted too early!!

DH eventually came round to the idea when I got a tummy bug and felt nauseous a few mornings running. He realised it really was down to him to sort something out so went to the GP. Several years later it’s all good!

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2022 19:21

@Shade17

I’ll never have one due to risk of long term side effects/chronic pain.

I hope you also avoided having children because of the much higher risk of long term damage, pain and actual death women risk carrying and birthing children. It is one of the most dangerous things a woman can do.

And tubal ligations have and do cause deaths, whereas vasectomies don't carry that risk. Oral birth control kills women as well. As well as the additional risks. MH, weight gain, etc.

Must be nice to be able to serve all the responsibilities risks.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/02/2022 19:22

Swerve!

RegardingMary · 02/02/2022 19:27

Anything to do with men and health is an uphill struggle. Mine's a GP and still needed a push.

I had to book the appointment for OH after our 4th. I couldn't stand the idea of going back onto contraception and felt I'd paid my dues by birthing 4 children.

He was happy to have it, he was the one that suggested it, but didn't get round to booking anything so I got things started.

Horst · 02/02/2022 19:29

@Cosycosynights

What age are all these dhs getting the snip?

I can understand anyone being a bit wary about getting a medical procedure to be honest, but really he's being such a baby making a fuss about condoms.

Dh had his done at 30.
PaddleBoardingMomma · 02/02/2022 19:46

[quote namechangedforthiss1]@Blueuggboots he watched me bleed out with DC2 so he knows this, he is worried about this birth but luckily I am having a c section to hopefully stop a haemorrhage from happening!

Going to do some research and send it him! Think he would prefer to go private anyway but the wait is months on the NHS apparently! [/quote]
I had similar concerns after my first and had an elective for the second as I'm a "bleeder". I also had a bilateral salpingectomy at the same time, both tubes removed entirely and it was the best thing I've ever done. It also reduced the risk of ovarian cancer, bonus for me. Im surprised they have said they won't do it because of haemorrhage concerns, that would surely be part and parcel of the section itself and not any other treatments such as a tubal? Perhaps ask if they will agree to do it if you have had a good section and they are happy to continue.

2022success · 02/02/2022 19:58

@Tiramysu

No sex until he has come up with a solution
Agree with this.
CaptSkippy · 02/02/2022 20:00

@namechangedforthiss1

He's never been able to "keep it up" we have tried lots of different brands and larger sizes but it just doesn't work Blush
I'll bet that if he stops watching porn his selective ED would disappear.
IAmMyOwnWorstEnemy · 02/02/2022 20:10

[quote namechangedforthiss1]@Blossom64265 very true, I don't think my consultant would want me having another tbh. I have large babies and haemorrhage so having to have a c-section this time, I thought he would be more understanding but as PP have said maybe its the leg work he doesn't want to do so I will look into it and send him what I find Grin[/quote]
Not the point of the thread but I don't know why your consultant won't sterilised you during your c section. When I was pregnant and having my 2nd c section at 24 I was told by mines he wanted me to be sterilised if I had a 3rd c section.

AutomaticMoon · 02/02/2022 20:20

@Bergamotte Oh yes, how could I forget? In Africa female condoms were given out by the government campaign. It’s like a bigger version of the man condom and it shouldn’t stop his erection as it’s not on him...

autienotnaughty · 02/02/2022 20:30

We are in same situation my dh wears condoms. He can choose when he gets snip.