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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and vasectomy

133 replies

namechangedforthiss1 · 02/02/2022 17:00

Another one of those threads I know I know

So DH and I had 2 DC, I came off contraception due to migraines acne and weight gain and tracked ovulation to avoid pregnancy, ended up pregnant after 8 months as we clearly couldn't say no TMI I know, all good discussed our options and both happy to be having a 3rd, but I'm done, do NOT want anymore babies after this one.

Told DH he needs to look into getting the snip, I believe iv put my body through more than enough giving us 3 DC but regardless I asked about having my tubes done and my consultant has said no, I am to young at risk of haemorrhage and she said the risk of it failing is 1 in 120 women which then can lead to an ectopic pregnancy.

He has agreed but not looked into it at all, coming to the end of the pregnancy now so tried to bring it up again and he just does not want to talk about it shuts me off straight away!

So what do I do? He cant use condoms so its not an option unfortunately!

OP posts:

BlingLoving · 02/02/2022 17:28

Honestly, as you know, you can't force him. But he cannot force you to use contraception that affects your body. So it's a v simple, no sex, no condom. I suspect when the chips are down, the inability to keep it up with a condom might disappear......

Staryflight445 · 02/02/2022 17:30

I’m in the same situation and pregnant with number 3.
Husband doesn’t want anymore but isn’t willing to take responsibility.
I actually think it’s quite disrespectful of them.

randomchap · 02/02/2022 17:30

@namechangedforthiss1

Has anyone managed to talk there dh round?

He clearly thinks about it as every few weeks will randomly say "I think I will have to get the snip done" and I'm like no sh*t but when I try and discuss it in detail he shuts down!

Is it that painful being kicked in the blls?

yes, it's extremely painful.

He needs to talk to you about this though. He can't just expect you to deal with birth control alone, it's a joint responsibility.

Has he given you any idea why he's not wanting to talk about it? Worries about long term side effects? Is he not 100% finished with having children and not wanting to close that door yet?

Chely · 02/02/2022 17:31

My DH refuses to get the snip because he's terrified himself reading all the things that can go wrong. We know loads of men who have had no problems at all from it though.
We have 6 kids atm. I've pondered getting sterilised but I'd probably be one of those unlucky ones it fails for, I did get pregnant with twins when I had a copper coil.

Staryflight445 · 02/02/2022 17:31

I can’t take the pill as it makes me bleed, last time I tried I bled for over 12 weeks and it made me really I’ll/ I had to go for scans etc. all resolved when I said sod this.

T00Ts · 02/02/2022 17:32

If I had a tenner for every man who’s trotted out the ‘I can’t wear condoms’ bollocks, I’d have….well, £40, but still, that’s four men I know! Pathetic. And I don’t believe them.

Vasectomy or abstention, entirely his choice.

Longingforatikihut · 02/02/2022 17:37

He really should get a move on. It takes 4-6 months to completely eradicate viable sperm post-vasectomy.

Blossom64265 · 02/02/2022 17:39

If he won’t take his turn with responsibility for pregnancy prevention, you have to abstain. I wouldn’t risk another pregnancy. You have done your time taking on the risks from birth control and the toll pregnancy does to a body.

Original poster

namechangedforthiss1 · 02/02/2022 17:39

@Longingforatikihut exactly! So I would have to go on the pill for 12 weeks until he is clear anyway, but I'm not willing to do that until he has had it done otherwise it will never happen!

OP posts:

Original poster

namechangedforthiss1 · 02/02/2022 17:41

@Blossom64265 very true, I don't think my consultant would want me having another tbh. I have large babies and haemorrhage so having to have a c-section this time, I thought he would be more understanding but as PP have said maybe its the leg work he doesn't want to do so I will look into it and send him what I find

OP posts:

Franca123 · 02/02/2022 17:43

Mine has agreed in principle but not booked. My male family members, passed that stage of life, have all had it done. I got them to talk to him to make it seem normal.

SickAndTiredAgain · 02/02/2022 17:43

What is his suggestion then? Contraception should be a discussion, he can’t just say “nope, not having one” and therefore pass the buck back to you to sort it out.

Gardengates · 02/02/2022 17:45

No glove, no love.

I am in the same position with DH. 3 kids and I don't want any more. He offered to get the snip but has never done anything about it. He has never been to a doctor in the 18 years I have known so he is terrified of getting a surgery done.

He hates condoms, I like not having to do clean up so for me it is a win-win.

FrippEnos · 02/02/2022 17:48

peterpaulpat

IT WAS NOT PAINFUL

For you is it was not painful for my mate he had to go back in and have his balls scraped and further operations which still haven't helped with the pain.

Original poster

namechangedforthiss1 · 02/02/2022 17:50

@FrippEnos yes unfortunately a friend told him how his testicles were black and blue for weeks and he couldn't walk not helpful!

OP posts:

CrimbleCrumble1 · 02/02/2022 17:51

My DH wasn’t keen on having a vasectomy and I
didn’t want to try and talk into having one so I had a coil. I wished I done it earlier.

shouldistop · 02/02/2022 17:52

[quote namechangedforthiss1]@FrippEnos yes unfortunately a friend told him how his testicles were black and blue for weeks and he couldn't walk not helpful! [/quote]
Like childbirth is a walk in the park.

No sex until it's sorted, that should get him to get a move on.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/02/2022 17:56

I'd ltb. I like sex, I'd want sex, I'll have it with someone who will wear a condom or have the snip. He's not taking any action, not communicating, so - no thanks. You're essentially entering now in to a sexless marriage, at his choice (for it's his turn), I wouldn't want that.

FrippEnos · 02/02/2022 17:56

shouldistop

Like childbirth is a walk in the park

Who said it was, but presumably the OP had the say as to whether she got and stayed pregnant.

No sex until it's sorted, that should get him to get a move on.

Emotional blackmail works wonders doesn't it.

And yes there is a difference between
"No sex until it's sorted"
and
'No sex because I don't want to get pregnant again'

FrippEnos · 02/02/2022 17:57

And yes he should wear a condom or no sex because the OP doesn't want to get pregnant.

GrapesAreMyJam · 02/02/2022 17:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

WonderfulYou · 02/02/2022 17:59

Have you tried different types of contraception?

I think coming off the pill and jumping straight to sterilisation/vasectomy is quite a leap when they’re are many forms of contraception that could be easier on your body.

I’m not sure I’d be happy if a man said I needed to get sterilised if there were easier options that we hadn’t tried yet.

Cosycosynights · 02/02/2022 18:00

What age are all these dhs getting the snip?

I can understand anyone being a bit wary about getting a medical procedure to be honest, but really he's being such a baby making a fuss about condoms.

Original poster

namechangedforthiss1 · 02/02/2022 18:01

@GrapesAreMyJam my consultant is female but I think its more the fact it has a higher failure rate than vasectomy and also because I haemorrhage and they wouldn't be able to do it if I haemorrhage. Her words were "if you haemorrhage they will be concentrating on fixing that and getting you stable"

OP posts:

romany4 · 02/02/2022 18:01

If he can't wear condoms then he can't have sex till he comes up with a viable other option then.

My DH had the snip after our 2nd child was born 24 years ago.

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