To think this isn’t workplace bullying - or bullying at all?

[KingJeremyTheWickedd]

Mainly a lurker here, but I’m going out of my mind worrying. There’s a bit of backstory but I think it’s all relevant. I’ll try to keep it as brief as I can:

I came back from maternity leave last year to an almost entirely new team. The only people who had stayed with the business was my manager and a colleague (call her A), everyone else moved on during the pandemic.
The rest of the team were new and mostly very pleasant. One colleague, B, seemed a bit cool and distant when we met, but our roles have little day to day cross over and we only worked in the office together on occasional days whilst I was settling back in after mat leave. We’re still mainly working from home and B’s day in the office is on a different day to mine. I’m not particularly concerned about having friends at work so I’ve not paid it much attention, just kept it friendly and polite but there were times where I felt she was being a bit short and rude.

Last week I came into the office on a different day due to an appointment - it was A and B’s regular day. A was talking about possible names for her baby, her DH likes the name Layla but they already have a Laura and she thinks their too similar. I said it may be worth thinking about them having the same initials as when I was at university I shared a house with someone with the same initial and surname as me and post was a nightmare, things got mixed up all the time as we had the same bank, gym, letters from the uni etc. B didn’t say much at the time other than it’s really difficult naming babies and Layla was a lovely name. It was just a brief conversation.

Last night, A sent me a text warning me that B is thinking of going to management because she was very unhappy with our conversation as she has two adult children with the same first initial and she didn’t like my comments on their lives being a nightmare. What????? Firstly, I did know she had a son and a daughter but I didn’t know their names had the same initial. secondly, my point about post getting mixed up wouldn’t be relevant as her children’s would be addressed Mr and Miss? A tried to defend me and say I didn’t mean it how she’s taken it but B is adamant about her taking this further as she “won’t be bullied in the workplace by anyone”. 8

I am so so embarrassed at the thought of her going to our manager. I absolutely love my job and they’ve been so flexible allowing me to work part time, chose days and hours etc. I’m trying to be rational and think my manager wouldn’t jump the gun without speaking to me but today’s not my working day so I’m panicking that when I get back B will have told her side and her mind will be made up. Not that my manager has ever given me any indication that he wouldn’t treat any issue with fairness I just feel so worked up.

If you were the manager after talking to both of us you would see this for what it is and not take it further?
YABU - this is workplace bullying
YANBU - this is a misunderstanding and not workplace bullying

File this away in your mind as "not your problem".
You have done nothing wrong.
From now on I would avoid B apart from greetings and pleasantries.

Well she sounds like a proper twat.
Limit conversations to strictly work stuff with her in future.
And please don't worry, if she reports that she's only going to make herself look like an idiot.

You commented on your own lived experience of living in a house with the same name and initial as someone though, which is entirely different from just passing judgement! You were factual and just said something to think about. You didn't laugh at anyone, call anyone names, treat anyone differently, leave anyone out, it was one comment so in no way bullying (though I would probably always err on the side of being non committal on baby name conversations as someone always knows someone with the name you're commenting on!).

Also you have a witness who will back up what you said and gave you a warning

I know it feels like you're being unjustly attacked but stay cool and stick to the facts and just say something bland if you have to like you're sorry someone felt you were criticising their choices, you were just sharing your experience didnt intend to cause any offence

You are right - I grew up with the same initial and surname as both my parents and post could be a total nightmare.

This is perhaps for another thread but my mum started a secret bank account as being financially abused by my dad. Opening her post thinking it was for him he found out about it. It was a nightmare. You cannot have privacy.

I digressed there but my point is it was a fair comment and absolutely not bullying. She is being outrageous and time wasting and hopefully your boss will tell her so.

Ahhh she's one of those. I've managed for a very long time and every so often you will get someone whose entire personality is about not being taken advantage of. They do rather like to use the phrase "mugged off" quite regularly.

They look for a fight over anyone and anything and mostly get dealt with polite but firm boundaries. Push it much further and they get a minuted discussion about what is appropriate to raise as a grievance and much further They find themselves on an action plan for spending so much time causing havoc They aren't actually doing their job.

They never fail to be surprised , shocked and hurt that they are being held to account and it usually feeds into their belief they are being picked on.

Ignore her , her manager will see it for what it is. Stay civil, back yourself up with anything you send her and keep your head down. If your manager is worth a jot she will be put behind a boundary or gone if she continues. Grey rock for you with her is the way to go. Don't take it personally.

Good Lord, what is the matter with her? Attention seeking or so bloody fragile she shouldn’t be taken out of the box.
No one is a bully, you were stating facts as they happened to you.
( my two dds almost had the same initials, then I realised mail when they were older , initialling belongings etc would be problematic) "

B is insane.

She's barmy.
You were right in what you were saying.
I had the exact same name as my Mum in law, worked at the same company as her, that's how I met her son. We lived in the same village and coincidentally, used the same bank abd dentist. You can imagine the problems we had!!
She's being ridiculous, but that doesn't stop you worrying or feeling bad about the situation.

My job involves people calling up or filing web reports about this sort of thing all the time. The channel is for policy violations and whistleblowing and people choose to use it to “report” things like being asked to hand out leaflets to 10 colleagues or politely reminded to wash their coffee mug up at the end of the day. It’s infuriating and takes up a lot of time, not to mention the stress it causes when the person being complained about is notified of it. Do NOT worry, you are not the one that is going to look foolish or bad in this situation.

Have a word with your manager about it first. Speaking to the manager first will put your mind at rest do you won’t be in the will she/won’t she state of mind as you’ve already sorted it.

She sounds like a maniac who resents you coming back to an environment she’s established herself in while you were on mat leave. Some people feel threatened by things like that. Weird example but I go to a certain class at the gym. I have gone for five years. When I was off for a few weeks when I had my baby by CS, a new woman joined the class. When I came back, some people made a fuss of me and asked to see pictures of the baby etc, and she was livid. She gave me daggers. I was somewhat bemused. She used to show off in the class and seemed annoyed that I knew what I was doing (I’d fine for five years..), had acquaintances in the class, was friendly with the (interestingly male) instructor etc. She used to push pst me and did really weird PA things like get there early and put her things where I used to put mine. She’d interrupt from across the room if I chatted with anyone. I never really got to the bottom of it and just ignored it, even though I always felt like I was under her surveillance. Really, really odd

If I were you I’d probably prepare my reply and give a calm and concise breakdown of what actually was said, clearly stating you don’t know her and didn’t have a scooby what her kids were called, and wait to see if your manager/HR even bothers to raise it with you.

Absolute non starter for bullying but it does tell you a lot about A&B. Let HR handle it and probably best to avoid them point forward. Even if it was a misunderstanding there are better ways to handle.

This is why I hate managing teams. The shit you are supposed to listen to

It is questionable of A to have told you.

Don't worry about this at all.
Even if she does report it management won't do anything about it because nothing actually happened. They'll remember her complaining about this in the future though when she complains about something else, which definitely will. People like this report everything.
I worked with one once.

The most that will happen is that your manager says she's reported this "incident", and ask what happened. You can then explain and that will be the end of it.

You did nothing wrong at all. Just pointed out a possible disadvantage of siblings having the same initial and drew on your own experience. You never made fun of her and her choice or said that parents who do this are idiots or something.

How on earth can people go through life getting upset about the tiniest things?

I'd ignore this and see what happens. Don't give any more time to it at all.

In future you're going to have to be careful. Don't have any conversations with B alone - just be very very very bland unless there is someone else there.

There’s an old saying OP, and I think it’s appropriate here. If someone shows you who they really are, believe them. It was a normal conversation in which you expressed an opinion based on experience. In what way does she consider it bullying ? I wouldn’t worry about the outcome if she does decide to report it to your line manager. In all likelihood the only thing that will happen is that she’ll raise all sorts of red flags for future problems due to her evident hyper sensitivity.

I have the same initial as DH and I agree.. it DOES cause major issues... like when we booked a hotel and used MY credit card to book it, but took HIS credit card by accident.. of course the numbers didn’t match up and we ended up getting charged twice.. it was sorted out eventually but only after protracted phone calls and emails, so no YANBU. She, on the other hand, sounds like a giant pita.

So she is being bullied vicariously it was not her conversation it was not intended for her let her crack on with her complaint and op please come back to us to let us know how the manager kept a straight face. Please don't give it a second thought xx

"She’s going to look like a complete tit, don’t worry about it."

This

Oh my god how precious of her 😂

What other bullying does she think she’s had? The comment about not putting up with it anymore is a bit strange.

Sounds like a dickhead.

And you wasn’t even speaking to her wtf? You was having a conversation with another person. What a weirdo.

Oh, the frivolous bullying complaint. The weapon of the inadequate and resentful.

Of course it will go nowhere, but watch out for her. She’ll resent you when her “I was bullied!” plan fails and will attempt to damage you in some other way.

You were speaking to A about your own personal experience in the past. You were neither speaking to B nor about B and you had no knowledge about B's family situation

That is exactly what you say to your manager if you are called in.
You and A were having a light conversation during which she asked your opinion. You gave it. B was not involved.

As a pp said, some people really have no self-awareness, it is quite worrying.

I would write what you have said here in an email and email it to yourself at home so you have a contemporaneous record of this incident. Hopefully she'll be laughed out of HR but it's worth keeping a record in case anything else happens.