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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a child knowing they’ll spend 4 or 5 days in nursery?

383 replies

mvmvmvmv · 01/02/2022 19:58

AIBU to have a child knowing they’d likely be in nursery 4 days a week after my maternity, and likely going to 5 days a week by age 3? Is it unreasonable to have a child knowing they will need to spend so much time in nursery? Is it cruel?

We have zero family nearby, and family finances mean we both pretty much need to work full time (one of us could drop to 4 days for a year).

I don’t want to use a nanny or au pair as I’d want my child to have social interaction with other kids. There are v few childminders near us so unlikely to be an option. The local nursery is very good tho.

OP posts:
Bunnycat101 · 01/02/2022 23:07

Both of mine have been in nursery but 5 days probably isn’t ideal for very little ones. Neither of mine ever slept as well at nursery and it was nice to have some 1:1 time with them. But, often needs must and part time roles are not available for all.

A good nursery offers brilliant experiences ther I know I’d struggle to repeat at home. Both of mine have had proper friendships from before 2 so I don’t believe the research re benefit only being from 3.

WorstXmasEver · 01/02/2022 23:08

I think it's cruel. Babies need a mother & nothing replaces that.

cinderhella · 01/02/2022 23:10

Their mother is going to work, not vanishing off the face of the planet

Aaaabbbcccc · 01/02/2022 23:16

@Bowlofcereal

I agree it's sad and unnatural. The early years are so crucial and children need to be with one primary care giver. Sadly society no longer values this and we have huge anxiety and mental health problems amongst our children and young people. It might be unavoidable for many/most families but it doesn't mean it's ideal and we should be demanding change!
Wtf are you talking about??
De88 · 01/02/2022 23:16

They'll still have a mother Hmm

Anyway op no one is forcing anyone to have children. If that's your view, don't have them, or give up all other commitments. Simple.

Aaaabbbcccc · 01/02/2022 23:16

@WorstXmasEver

I think it's cruel. Babies need a mother & nothing replaces that.
Handmaids tale.
Aaaabbbcccc · 01/02/2022 23:18

Honestly there are really a lot of dim people on here who want to justify giving up their lives to SAH. Whatever makes you feel better, ladies.

De88 · 01/02/2022 23:19

@Aaaabbbcccc I think they're talking about all the children that don't have anxiety and mental health problems, because they had a primary caregiver who stayed at home. If we demand change, parents won't have to work.

metalkprettyoneday · 01/02/2022 23:20

Hiring a nanny means they will have a similar experience as a SAHP . They don’t spend all the time just with the nanny. They do play dates, go to playgroups , picnics with other mums and children just like a parent. They’d get lots of one on one attention from someone that loves them as well as time with other children. ( I didn’t have a nanny but there were two Nannies in my social group when I was a stay at home parent )

Aaaabbbcccc · 01/02/2022 23:21

[quote De88]@Aaaabbbcccc I think they're talking about all the children that don't have anxiety and mental health problems, because they had a primary caregiver who stayed at home. If we demand change, parents won't have to work.[/quote]
Oh yes and there is just REAMS of evidence supporting that self-serving view. If anyone can point me to reputable peer reviewed literature supporting this I would be most obliged. What do you we want - feudalism? Wasn’t great for women either, sorry.

Changethetoner · 01/02/2022 23:22

I would caution OP that nursery ratings do change, so it might be "outstanding" today, but in 18months time, a lot will have changed. Staff turnover in nurseries is higher than in other industries(eg retail), so the ideal of the one trusted key worker, might not be true in practice.

SoftSheen · 01/02/2022 23:25

YANBU, but a good nanny or childminder is arguably better for babies and younger toddlers. They will still socialise at groups and with other mindees but will benefit from having a single consistent carer that they can bond with.

Aaaabbbcccc · 01/02/2022 23:25

I personally think that nannies are entirely unsupervised and are more likely to act like a parent which may disrupt secure attachment with the parent. Whereas nurseries prepare children for the real world with their peers and help them to understand that they are just part of a broader society. Something lacking in many children who are sheltered until they go to school when they get a nasty shock.

SoftSheen · 01/02/2022 23:27

Aaaabbbcccc The handmaids weren't allowed to keep their babies.

thepeopleversuswork · 01/02/2022 23:30

@BoodleBug51

It's personal choice OP.

I wouldn't do it, I don't see the point of having a child that you then pay other people to raise. But that's me, not you.

Has it never crossed your small mind (and others like you) that people don't necessarily plan to be the sole breadwinner for their children.

I work so my child can eat. And shelter and have clothes and toys and books. Because there's no one else who can do it. And I happen to like what I do and be good at it. And my child goes to childcare a lot and is thriving.

Fucked if I'm going to be made to feel bad by morons who have stepped out of an Enid Blyton book for doing this.

MindyStClaire · 01/02/2022 23:33

[quote De88]@Aaaabbbcccc I think they're talking about all the children that don't have anxiety and mental health problems, because they had a primary caregiver who stayed at home. If we demand change, parents won't have to work.[/quote]
What about those of us who want to work? Should I not have had children because I like my job? Or given up on the career I'd worked and studied for all my adult life because I wanted to have children?

thepeopleversuswork · 01/02/2022 23:38

Also @Aaaabbbcccc

If we demand change, parents won’t have to work

What all parents won’t have to work? Who will sponsor the overwhelming majority of adults to be at home raising their children?

No. Thought not.

Aaaabbbcccc · 01/02/2022 23:40

@thepeopleversuswork

Also *@Aaaabbbcccc*

If we demand change, parents won’t have to work

What all parents won’t have to work? Who will sponsor the overwhelming majority of adults to be at home raising their children?

No. Thought not.

Wasn’t my comment
Mumwithapub · 01/02/2022 23:41

The clue is in the username.

Aaaabbbcccc · 01/02/2022 23:43

@MindyStClaire exactly. Should I tell my DD oh don’t bother having a career because you may want children. Ridiculous.

I am meant to give up a 20 year professional career that makes a significant contribution just because I have a family? People on this thread probably have no idea what it means to have a serious career.

Ilovegreentomatoes · 01/02/2022 23:44

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants you sound like a complete knob.

Mumwithapub · 02/02/2022 00:04

@SpinsForGin

Children are the most precious gift if you don't have time for them don't have them.

How many men have you made this incredibly rude comment to?

Not a rude comment same goes for men have I touched a nerve
Summerfun54321 · 02/02/2022 00:52

No it’s fine crack on. There will be people that judge just about everything you do as a parent but most of us just muddle along happily without any kind of guilt or regret about using nursery.

tcjotm · 02/02/2022 01:40

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I've never heard anyone say they wish they'd never been born because they spent time in nursery before school!
No, nursery was lovely. Best times ever.

However discovering I’d end up working for 50 years wasnt so fun. But parents of ordinary means inflict that future on their kids without any guilt 😂. Not to mention the stupid genes they passed on causing me all sorts of health issues. Parents have kids for their personal reasons and then those kids end up as ‘adults’ and turned out to support themselves.

Out of all the things parents doom their children to deal with, how is four days at nursery with playmates and different toys any kind of hardship?

thepeopleversuswork · 02/02/2022 07:11

@Aaaabbbcccc

Apologies! That was intended for @De88