To have a child knowing they’ll spend 4 or 5 days in nursery?

[mvmvmvmv]

AIBU to have a child knowing they’d likely be in nursery 4 days a week after my maternity, and likely going to 5 days a week by age 3? Is it unreasonable to have a child knowing they will need to spend so much time in nursery? Is it cruel?

We have zero family nearby, and family finances mean we both pretty much need to work full time (one of us could drop to 4 days for a year).

I don’t want to use a nanny or au pair as I’d want my child to have social interaction with other kids. There are v few childminders near us so unlikely to be an option. The local nursery is very good tho.

I did this and my kids enjoyed nursery. Parenting is nearly two decades, and as others have said it's about the love, support, decision making, tough times in the night, happy times at weekend etc. mine are teenagers now and we're close. I have a good career and they tell me they're proud of me. I also have close friends who have enjoyed being SAHM, part time work, different patterns at different stages. There are many ways to do this, it's the love for your child and making the best decisions you can under your circumstances that matters

@HardbackWriter

Tbh I feel pretty short-changed reading some of these comments. If my DC are being raised by nursery/'strangers' then why am I sat here cuddling an unsettled baby with a cold right now? Should I give his keyworker a quick ring?

When my pre schooler was about 1.5 we were having one of those long teething nights where nothing satisfies them. She'd had mummy, daddy, a drink, music, light show etc etc etc and then asked for her favourite carer from nursery at about 3am. I would've happily handed her over.

The nursery is local to us, as teens / preteen they still talk about it and can remember things (all find memories).

I went to nursery and can’t remember a thing about it!

The only thing I would say is, be prepared for all possibilities, however unlikely. Eg a child with disabilities/additional needs may not be able to tolerate full time nursery or even mainstream school - this can involve a lot of time off and some parents have to give up their jobs to take care of their children.

My 2 year old goes 3 days a week now and next January will likely start on 5 days. I'm a single mum who works 3 days now but will be starting a course in September at my local college. My daughter loves nursery, she has learnt so much and been going since she was 4 months old. She doesn't shut up and sings me little songs when she gets home that she's learnt. And it's good for you too, I've met loads of her friends parents and you learn that no one finds parenting easy and they give you tips.

Both mine went 5 days from 1y old and Breakfast after school club.

Totally unreasonable. Only those who don't work can have babies, clearly

It's not cruel. It's a reality for most people who need to work. I would say though don't dismiss nanny/au pair or childminder options because you're worried about the lack of socialisation. I've used childminders for both my children and they visit a different toddler group every morning with their little tribe and socialise with other childminders in the area with their mindees. So I think it's absolutely not true that childminder children don't provide opportunities to socialise. If anything I think they offer the best of both worlds; a homely environment and different opportunities to mix with other children.

I have 25 years of childCARE experience. I’m not raising kids. Only dickheads make comments like this. The truth is kids who are at home 100% of the time before school don’t always have 100% of their caregiver’s time. Life happens. Housework happens. Any stay at home mum who is telling you they are happily swanning off to softplays / clubs etc for 12-14 hours every day are bullshitting you.

I did this. I have a really close relationship with both my children. One is nearly 20 and at Uni (we've just been whatsapping) the other is doing gcses.

Wouldn't change it. I make lots of time for them. It's possible.

@Darbs76

Pretty sad that 28% of people think it is clearly unreasonable. Clearly all able to survive on one salary

I thought OP was being unreasonable… expect I’m not the only one who voted the wrong way. DS adored his nursery, it was amazing for him and they did loads of stuff I couldn’t have offered at home. To be fair he got more out of it once he was two - maybe consider a nanny for the first year?

[quote Welshmumofobe]Research shows that we spend more time with our children now than fifty years ago, even though mothers spend more time on average outside the home. My happy 2.5 year old has been in nursery five days a week since the age of 1. Happy and fulfilled parents contribute to the happiness of their child - whether that’s being happy as a SAHP or happy working full time. As well as this article I’d recommend reading “How not to f* them up” by Oliver James. Good luck!

ourworldindata.org/parents-time-with-kids[/quote]
True. As my gran used to say ‘the streets’ were the nursery for my Dad. He was out of sight (out of mind) the minute he turned 1 and would be left out all day, only coming in for meals (and not always at his house). Hardly a quality upbringing.

@nonono1 they went until they were 4. They can remember a variety of things; the name of their favourite keyworker (jan). The fact that when my youngest started my eldest would sometimes be bought in (as my youngest initially refused to nap and wanted to play 🙄). The eldest remembers another child biting him (one of his current friends). And they (bizarrely) remember the really nice flapjacks the nursery made. The youngest also remembers planting sunflowers in pots and the fact that his grew the tallest (it did).

Really random stuff.

Pretty sad that 28% of people think it is clearly unreasonable. Clearly all able to survive on one salary

To be fair, I don't think the voting question was very clear, as the OP asked 3 questions in her first paragraph.
My instinct was to read Is it cruel? and immediately click on YABU. It was only after reading it over a 2nd time I realised my mistake and changed it - from other threads on here I know not everyone realises they can change it.

Just want to add that my daughter has managed to never get confused between her mum and Debbie in the nursery.

The happiest toddlers I know, go to childminder and then spend evenings/weekends with a happy loving mum.

Socialising, play, variety in the care of a trained experienced professional, and a secure home paid for by mum's salary.

If you’ve done it before, it should be fine this time round. 🤷‍♀️

Loads of people do this. Though if it helps, I never thought I'd be able to afford to go part-time, but after having DS and getting used to less income whilst on mat leave, I realised that it was possible to live on less if I cut down in certain areas, which enabled me to go part-time. Obviously that's not going to be true for everyone, and if you do have to put a child in nursery full-time, so be it. You'll still have the evenings and weekends to spend with them and most kids have a great time at nursery.

Also OP, you might find this an interesting read:

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/02/nurseries-childcare-pre-school-cortisol

@sassbott maybe my memory’s just shot!

@katepilar

I wouldnt say its cruel, but its not good for them. Unfortunately this is the world we live in. Also depending on at what age you put them in. They dont need other children, certainly not until the age of 3. They need a stable adult person if you can manage that so I think a nanny is a better option for the child than nursery.

This in a nutshell.

I agree it's sad and unnatural. The early years are so crucial and children need to be with one primary care giver.
Sadly society no longer values this and we have huge anxiety and mental health problems amongst our children and young people.
It might be unavoidable for many/most families but it doesn't mean it's ideal and we should be demanding change!

Make sure you pick somewhere with a low staff turn over, this will mean your child will know staff throughout their time over the four years. Make sure it's child focused and not just following the latest trends and there is a good mix of staff ages. It's good for their to be male staff members if your child is there most of the week, they play with and manage children differently to women and that is a good thing for children to experience.

Remember nursery is the same as going to work is for us - it is a busy stimulating place where they learn a lot and many full time children do need regular holiday breaks just as we do from our jobs to chill out at home and not need to share constantly with others.

It would be absolutely ridiculous to think its unreasonable for children to go to childcare while parents work. This is normal life now. It isn't the middle classes circa 1700 any more or any other period in time where parents had fuck all else to do.

It's not cruel just a reality for many people financially. And it would be awful not to have children for this reason.
The only thing I would say is that while most people are saying how much their children loved nursery and I'm sure most do, not all children do. Mine hated nursery (one DC had additional needs and the other didn't) and it wasn't a happy experience having to use them. It was a real relief when after several years I was able to reduce my hours to just putting them in 2 days a week. I was just lucky that we were able to do this financially.