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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a child knowing they’ll spend 4 or 5 days in nursery?

383 replies

mvmvmvmv · 01/02/2022 19:58

AIBU to have a child knowing they’d likely be in nursery 4 days a week after my maternity, and likely going to 5 days a week by age 3? Is it unreasonable to have a child knowing they will need to spend so much time in nursery? Is it cruel?

We have zero family nearby, and family finances mean we both pretty much need to work full time (one of us could drop to 4 days for a year).

I don’t want to use a nanny or au pair as I’d want my child to have social interaction with other kids. There are v few childminders near us so unlikely to be an option. The local nursery is very good tho.

OP posts:
De88 · 02/02/2022 07:46

@thepeopleversuswork

Also *@Aaaabbbcccc*

If we demand change, parents won’t have to work

What all parents won’t have to work? Who will sponsor the overwhelming majority of adults to be at home raising their children?

No. Thought not.

Apparently it's really that easy! Damn I should have thought of it myself!
De88 · 02/02/2022 07:49

@MindyStClaire exactly! Apparently we shouldn't have children if we don't intend doing spend the majority of waking moments with them. Only a view the privileged (and various other descriptive words) could take

SpinsForGin · 02/02/2022 07:59

@WorstXmasEver

I think it's cruel. Babies need a mother & nothing replaces that.
They still have a mother! Don't be so ridiculous. They also have a father who NEVER gets criticised for working.
SpinsForGin · 02/02/2022 08:02

Not a rude comment same goes for men have I touched a nerve

So you think both men and women should stay at home when they have children? Who on earth will pay for that?

It is very rude to make such such comments.
You haven't touched a nerve because I am perfectly at ease with the decisions we made for our family. I also respect those that choose differently...... unlike you.

SpinsForGin · 02/02/2022 08:06

What about those of us who want to work? Should I not have had children because I like my job? Or given up on the career I'd worked and studied for all my adult life because I wanted to have children?

Exactly!
I love my job. It's a huge part of my identity. Continuing to work in a job I love that contributes to the family finances doesn't make me a bad parent who shouldn't have had children.
Just like my DH isn't a bad parents because he works.

AuntyClem · 02/02/2022 08:09

Of course it’s not cruel - it’s nursery, not the workhouse. To be honest DD does far more constructive play and gets much more socialisation in her three days in nursery than she does at home.

Mumwithapub · 02/02/2022 08:26

@SpinsForGin

Not a rude comment same goes for men have I touched a nerve

So you think both men and women should stay at home when they have children? Who on earth will pay for that?

It is very rude to make such such comments.
You haven't touched a nerve because I am perfectly at ease with the decisions we made for our family. I also respect those that choose differently...... unlike you.

Your very small minded about this. People need to work, yes. I understand that, but a good work and family balance are needed when a child is pre school age they need one parent with them most of the time fair enough people who have a career to return to usually feel the need to return straight away and full time. Why? Would it not be beneficial to a child to hold back for 18 months to 2 years or go back just part time my gripe is with people who put children in nursery full time for children under 2. I have a business myself I never took time off I employed some amazing staff but I am fortunate to be with my child all the time before she was 2 and oversee my business.
De88 · 02/02/2022 08:41

@Mumwithapub as you say- you are fortunate not everyone has that choice. And plenty don't want that choice. What you think and feel applies to you and your family. There's no need to gripe about other people making perfectly reasonable choices for their children, for their circumstances.

babyjellyfish · 02/02/2022 08:42

@katepilar

I wouldnt say its cruel, but its not good for them. Unfortunately this is the world we live in. Also depending on at what age you put them in. They dont need other children, certainly not until the age of 3. They need a stable adult person if you can manage that so I think a nanny is a better option for the child than nursery.
My son goes to a childminder with one other child because we couldn't get a place for him in a creche. He is currently on the waiting list.

Whenever we go to baby swimming, or meet up with friends who have babies, he is completely fascinated by the other children and wants to interact with them. Our childminder is great but my husband wants to put him in a creche as soon as a place becomes available so he can be around more children.

SpinsForGin · 02/02/2022 08:46

I think it's clear who the small minded person here is. And it's not me!
I respect other people choices whereas you clearly don't. You can't see past your ( very privileged) situation.
Not everyone can afford to take 2 years out of work and not every sector/career allows for that.

If I took 2 years out I wouldn't have a career to go back to. Not to mention the impact on my mental health.

We should be respecting womens choices not judging them and asking them why they bothered having children.

mogschristmascalamity · 02/02/2022 08:49

DD was 4 days a week from 8 months. Shes fine and we have a very close relationship. If you can drop a day or condense 5 days to 4 that would be great so there is time for after school playdates and doing the school run. I will not return to 5 days a week until DD is a high school and even then I think it would be good to be around for her. The drop in wages is minimal due to tax.

However, there are parents at DDs school who work full time and we never see on school run but they are involved in PTA and other activities so not totally invisible. Their kids are perfectly fine. The parents make sure to take time off during holidays wheras I tend to use the holiday clubs most of the time.

LuckySantangelo35 · 02/02/2022 09:03

@Mumwithapub
You were fortunate your job allowed that. Most jobs/careers it would not be feasible to take 18 months to two years off. And then what? A woman should quit her job? What if she liked her job? Compromise her own well-being, sense of identity, financial security, pension, etc? Why should women lose themselves like that when men would never have to?

Darkstar4855 · 02/02/2022 09:06

Mine went from 10m and loves it. Misses it terribly when they shut for two weeks at Christmas. I make sure I do lots of fun stuff on the days he is home and I always tuck him in to bed at night, give him lots of cuddles and time to chat about his day etc.

SpinsForGin · 02/02/2022 09:13

There are also some huge assumptions being made about those who work full time and work life balance.
Many of us can work really flexibly and actually managed to do school drops offs/pick ups, attend assemblies, plays etc.

I work full time and have just dropped DS at school and there were lots of parents doing the same who I know also work full time. It was the same when they were little and at nursery. It was very rare that he did long days.

I know this isn't possible for lots of people but it works for many.

Crikeyalmighty · 02/02/2022 09:14

Here in Copenhagen, it’s the norm from about 6 months and £235 a month full time, even with a baby. I see these children in their beautiful playground and out and about with the nursery nurses and they look to have a lot of fun. I did a combo of 3 days part time nanny share and mum in law 2 days from 3 months (the days of crap maternity leave) and Busy Bees from 18 months— son loved it and they were lovely girls— we actually took one on holiday with us to help out- she got a free weeks sunshine holiday for 5 evenings babysitting and the day to herself. He had far more fun at nursery if I’m honest than my friends kids who was a SAHM and didn’t really enjoy it

Tal45 · 02/02/2022 09:20

I think mine would have really struggled - he has ASD but wasn't diagnosed until Secondary age. Just bare in mind that not every child is really happy to go to nursery from a very young age, particularly if they have diagnosed/undiagnosed SEN.

SpinsForGin · 02/02/2022 09:24

@Tal45

I think mine would have really struggled - he has ASD but wasn't diagnosed until Secondary age. Just bare in mind that not every child is really happy to go to nursery from a very young age, particularly if they have diagnosed/undiagnosed SEN.
That's why parents make the best decisions for their family. Nobody is saying you must send your child to nursery full time. We're just saying you aren't being cruel if you decide that's what works best in your circumstances.
Parker231 · 02/02/2022 09:25

If all mothers should be SAHM’s what a huge step back in equality. Should my 22 year old DD not have worked so hard for her 1st class languages degree and job with the EU because she should give it up when she decides to have a family?
What about key services which are heavily reliant on female employees ie nursing and teaching? Should these jobs only be given to men because they won’t be giving up their careers when they have a family?
I wanted my career and family- as did my DH. Why not?

3scape · 02/02/2022 09:30

No. It doesn't need to be just mother's but to have both parents full time from babies? I just don't see the point in bringing children into an environment like that.

Parker231 · 02/02/2022 09:37

@3scape

No. It doesn't need to be just mother's but to have both parents full time from babies? I just don't see the point in bringing children into an environment like that.
You have a very limited view of family life if you don’t see the point and benefits of full time nursery to children and families. We made it work successfully with nursery and then a school with breakfast, after school and holiday clubs. The combination of DH, I and nursery we raised happy, confident and successful children without loosing our careers.
Hadharra · 02/02/2022 09:38

God if this is cruel then I'm an awful mother. Look at it as a positive. Mine goes to a fully outdoor nursery 5 days a week. They cook their own food every day, have a bell tent for warmth and shelter, have to make their own toys, etc etc. I would be happy going there 5 days a week!!! As long as its a nice setting it'll be fine.

ChoiceMummy · 02/02/2022 09:45

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

I've never heard anyone say they wish they'd never been born because they spent time in nursery before school!
But let's be fair, until recently, children did not spend longer in childcare than the average person spends at work did they? Perhaps you should ask in a few years time?
SpinsForGin · 02/02/2022 09:46

@3scape

No. It doesn't need to be just mother's but to have both parents full time from babies? I just don't see the point in bringing children into an environment like that.
You don't see the point in bringing a child into a family where they are loved and provided for? Where both parents are happy and the child attended an amazing nursery which they still talk about fondly despite leaving three years ago! My DS is happy, confident and he thrived at Nursery. We use before and after school clubs three days a week which he adores - and often asks if he can go 5 days because it's so much fun.

Maybe open your mid a little and see that there are lots of ways to raise children and most people are doing what works best for their family unit.

thepeopleversuswork · 02/02/2022 09:51

@3scape

No. It doesn't need to be just mother's but to have both parents full time from babies? I just don't see the point in bringing children into an environment like that.
An environment like what?

An environment where there are parents working purposefully at jobs they both enjoy to provide money to support the things the family needs? Such as healthy food, a nice home, toys, books and games, extra-curricular activities -- potentially private school and tertiary education if that's what you want for your children? Having happy and fulfilled parents who are interested in and engaged with the world and their lives? Providing role models to children that show that both parents can be economically self sufficient as opposed to having one parent totally financially dependent on the whims of the other?

Sounds awful. Sign me up to a lifetime of martyrdom at the altar of motherhood.

SpinsForGin · 02/02/2022 09:51

But let's be fair, until recently, children did not spend longer in childcare than the average person spends at work did they? Perhaps you should ask in a few years time?

As another poster has pointed out we actually spend more time with out children than in the past. The concept of having one person ( typically the mother) at home devoting all their time to the children is a fairly recent phenomenon.
In previous generations if women weren't working ( which many did anyway) they were working in the home and children were cared for by the wider family.