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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have a child knowing they’ll spend 4 or 5 days in nursery?

383 replies

mvmvmvmv · 01/02/2022 19:58

AIBU to have a child knowing they’d likely be in nursery 4 days a week after my maternity, and likely going to 5 days a week by age 3? Is it unreasonable to have a child knowing they will need to spend so much time in nursery? Is it cruel?

We have zero family nearby, and family finances mean we both pretty much need to work full time (one of us could drop to 4 days for a year).

I don’t want to use a nanny or au pair as I’d want my child to have social interaction with other kids. There are v few childminders near us so unlikely to be an option. The local nursery is very good tho.

OP posts:
whoruntheworldgirls · 01/02/2022 21:53

Mine went 5 days and bloody loved it! She was always so happy being there

Fearnyleaves · 01/02/2022 21:55

@Mumwithapub

Depends if it's just a couple of hours a day or all day 9-5 is a bit much when are you and baby going to spend time together if it is all day. I know of nursery staff who see kids dropped off at 7 till 7 from the age of 3 months no relationship with mum or dad really. Children are the most precious gift if you don't have time for them don't have them.
May as well just sterilise all working women now then eh!
SpinsForGin · 01/02/2022 21:55

Has anyone mentioned that if women just cut back on their luxuries then they wouldn't need to work yet? Just wondering if I have a full house yet?

I mean, we all know women work for handbags and lipsticks while men work to provide for their family 🤷🏼‍♀️

reluctantbrit · 01/02/2022 21:56

@helpingbereavedperson

Why are people on this thread talking about childminders like they're some kind of gold standard? My kids went to an extremely good nursery with low staff turnover, great activities, a lovely big garden etc.

My friends who used childminders had no end of issues. It's not as simple as childminder = good, nursery = bad.

I agree. I live in an area where any planning for a nursery is opposed because "childminder are so much better".

We preferred a nursery to a childminder for DD when she was 1 because it meant she was able to nap when she was tired instead of her schedule being determind by school runs. Or the childminder cancelling because their own children were ill or there was an issue with the house.

We had friends with lots of trouble because they thought it was more quite and more child centered while I found the nursery is a better place with lots of age approbriate activities, staff constantly training and in the pre-school you had proper school preparation. All that without the issue to sort out a childminder and a pre-school as soon as they are 3.

Saying that, we had a great childminder when DD was in primary school but one of the advantates was that she had teens herself, so no issues with illnesses and that she didn't have babies, she only did school run/pre-school run cover and afternoon covers.

PenStation · 01/02/2022 21:56

Just do what's right for you. No one else can tell you what that is. Full time childcare is right for some families and not others, for some they will stay at home early on and then use nurseries more as the baby gets older. Some have more choice than others. Some have a sudden change in circumstances that means they need to change the arrangement. It is all ok provided the childcare is good, whoever is delivering it.

Baddit · 01/02/2022 21:57

My son loved nursery so much he still talks about it now (he's 8) and wishes he could go back. Your LO will be fine.

Aaaabbbcccc · 01/02/2022 21:57

@ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

This was a big thing on MN when my children were little (20 years ago). I was a SAHM, but if I had been forced to work, my preferences would have been 1. Nanny; 2. CM; 3. Nursery (and that is excluding family help, as we didn't have any). I became close friends with several nannies of my DC's friends; good nannies are the best substitute for a parent, and will ensure that children are socialised.

It's not natural for small children to spend their entire time with their peers. They need to meet and interact with people of all ages, and they can only do this if they are living in the outside world, not sequestered away in a nursery.

From my friends' experiences, I wouldn't want my children looked after by young people on the minimum wage in a nursery. These people are doing a crucial job, but the wages they are offered are unlikely to attract the people with the intelligence that you would wish for in the people who are caring for your child. Even things like learning "ta" instead of "thank you" would have put me off.

My DC interact with adults at nursery who are a range of ages and come from different parts of the world. They speak different languages, have difficult cultural backgrounds and have worked at the nursery in many cases over 10 years. My DC have had close and personal relationships, there is almost no staff turnover and very infrequent absences. There are some older staff and also some younger, highly skilled staff (some who even have posh accents and from middle class backgrounds - how you would so approve!!). Some have masters degrees the main lead is a qualified teacher. My DC are taught manners, social skills (they sit down for a three course meal each day with the staff) and how to express themselves in two languages fluently.
You have no idea what you are talking about, so maybe best to retract your baseless, inferential and outdated views.
Aaaabbbcccc · 01/02/2022 21:57

*different

Welshmumofobe · 01/02/2022 21:59

Research shows that we spend more time with our children now than fifty years ago, even though mothers spend more time on average outside the home. My happy 2.5 year old has been in nursery five days a week since the age of 1. Happy and fulfilled parents contribute to the happiness of their child - whether that’s being happy as a SAHP or happy working full time. As well as this article I’d recommend reading “How not to f* them up” by Oliver James. Good luck!

ourworldindata.org/parents-time-with-kids

CoilWatershed · 01/02/2022 22:00

You're name is very fitting really isn't. Judgy, snobby and bitchy!

Yup, never seen a more appropriate username than @ImWearingReallyJudgyPants

But then these threads always bring out the venomous types.

Aaaabbbcccc · 01/02/2022 22:01

@Mumwithapub

Depends if it's just a couple of hours a day or all day 9-5 is a bit much when are you and baby going to spend time together if it is all day. I know of nursery staff who see kids dropped off at 7 till 7 from the age of 3 months no relationship with mum or dad really. Children are the most precious gift if you don't have time for them don't have them.
What’s your career?
Couchbettato · 01/02/2022 22:06

Before I had my son my friends would say to me why do people have kids if they don't want to spend time with them, but after having my son I realised he needed to be around other people because my own postnatal depression meant I couldn't muster the energy to interact with him.

I like having the time to work, and to earn us some money, so that we can do nice things, but also so I can pay nursery to share the load as they're looking after my son on the days im working and even a day or so that im off so I can have some time to myself.

Our situations are always changing, you might find you drop to part time or you might not.

But no it's not cruel to put a child in nursery. They're essentially an extension to our "village". It takes a village to raise a kid. So what if they're paid for it.

BoodleBug51 · 01/02/2022 22:06

It's personal choice OP.

I wouldn't do it, I don't see the point of having a child that you then pay other people to raise. But that's me, not you.

HardbackWriter · 01/02/2022 22:09

Tbh I feel pretty short-changed reading some of these comments. If my DC are being raised by nursery/'strangers' then why am I sat here cuddling an unsettled baby with a cold right now? Should I give his keyworker a quick ring?

heelforheelandtoefortoe · 01/02/2022 22:10

Its a bit offensive to say that sending children to nursery is cruel.

Would sending them to school 5 days a week NOT be cruel?

Get a grip

Chandeleur · 01/02/2022 22:11

What nonsense. Women have worked since time immemorial. Some of them with huge families where any "quality time" would have been non-existent. Kids need love and food and consistency really.

Luredbyapomegranate · 01/02/2022 22:11

Of course it isn’t.

However up till 18 months or so, I personally think child minder, nanny share or old fashioned mother’s help is the preferable option as it’s closer to a home situation, and under that age kids don’t need a whole bunch of interaction with other kids. The baby room in a creche can be a depressing sight. (An au pair is an extra pair of hands, not a full child care solution.)

twilightermummy · 01/02/2022 22:12

I always felt guilty if I’m honest but that was due to both my son and daughter crying their eyes out when I left them. We changed nursery and they cried just as much. I still sometimes get tears at the school gate 🙄 They have a lot of friends and after school clubs etc so are happy enough.
We had 2 weeks off because of covid recently and I can’t tell you how quickly we all got out the door as soon as we could!
Parents do their best. I’d imagine we all feel guilty at some point towards our children for whatever reason. It can’t be helped.

SpinsForGin · 01/02/2022 22:13

I wouldn't do it, I don't see the point of having a child that you then pay other people to raise. But that's me, not you.

Children who attend childcare are still being raised by their parents. You don't suddenly stop being a parent when you drop them off at nursery!!

Are children of SAHP only being raised by one parent? What happens when children start school? Are we no longer raising our children then?

elprup · 01/02/2022 22:13

I would say it's actually cruel to not send your DC's to nursery/preschool. Children need social interaction with other children of their age.

I don’t think this is true - there are plenty of ways to give children social interaction with their peers that don’t involve nursery.

In an ideal world I would love to be a SAHM because I want to spend as much time with the DC as possible, but like most people I need to work to pay the bills.

Embracelife · 01/02/2022 22:14

If you cannot be with the child at least in their formative years, it's imo, a ...

Unless it s 24 7 childcare 7 days a week or giving the child over for adoption
You are around in formative years
You make the decisions
You stay up all night when they ill
Etc

It s fine

Aaaabbbcccc · 01/02/2022 22:14

@BoodleBug51

It's personal choice OP.

I wouldn't do it, I don't see the point of having a child that you then pay other people to raise. But that's me, not you.

What is your career?
sassbott · 01/02/2022 22:15

Mine went 3 days a week from 10 months old, upping to 4 days. They loved it! I wouldn’t have done a tiny fraction of the activities the nursery did with them.

The nursery is local to us, as teens / preteen they still talk about it and can remember things (all find memories). Within my eldests secondary school cohort of friends are two children that he went to said nursery with.

Personally? I despair when I see families where one party becomes a WOHM and the other becomes a SAHP. Always always keep honing your earning potential and keep an element of financial independence. Most children thrive within well run nurseries.

SpinsForGin · 01/02/2022 22:16

@Embracelife

If you cannot be with the child at least in their formative years, it's imo, a ...

Unless it s 24 7 childcare 7 days a week or giving the child over for adoption
You are around in formative years
You make the decisions
You stay up all night when they ill
Etc

It s fine

Exactly! Being a parent is so much more than being with your child 24/7.
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/02/2022 22:18

'Pay other people to raise'...so when your kids are in school from age 5 you're giving up raising them since they're not with you the majority of the time in term time? You dont need to be with your child constantly to raise them.

Working parents are still with their children in holidays (almost 20% of the time if parents take 5 weeks each to look after their child), weekends (additional 28.5% of the week), evenings and mornings (say 3 or 4 hours of awake time so additional 14% of the day). Plus ad hoc times they're at home because it's a bank hol, nursery is shut unexpectedly, there is a lockdown, they are ill etc (say 1 week a year or another couple of % of the year).

Plus more if one or both parents do compressed hours. Either way though it's still possible for children to be in nursery full time and still spend more time with their parents than in nursery.

In any case though, there are plenty well adjusted happy and successful older children and adults who are close to their family and dont feel their life has been negatively affected by being in nursery