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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have told ds not to play with nasty children?

125 replies

Flsh · 01/02/2022 17:18

Ds is autistic and attends a mainstream school we often go to the park after school
A few children from his school also go there, and usually these kids are happy to play with ds.
For reference he’s 8 and these kids are aged 8-10.
Recently these children have decided to leave him out and purposely not let him play and call him names, so I went to get him to redirect him somewhere else and told him to play with someone else telling him loudly
“you don’t play with children who are nasty to people anyway, do you DS?” And told the children to leave him alone as they were following him and making a point to him that he couldn’t join in (if that makes sense?)
Later on in the day the children decided to “lef” him join in so he did, but really they were just using it as another way to be mean- they were playing it and basically all making sure he was always ‘it’ and constantly changing the rules on him.
I told him not to play the game because they’re are being nasty and using the game as a way to be nasty (he didn’t understand that is what they were doing and it was breaking my heart watching it happen)
The kids said to me “we’re not nasty!” So I told them that they certainly were being nasty and that it isn’t very nice to treat him in a way they wouldn’t like to be treated.
Mum of one of the kids came marching over and told me not to tell off her child, I explained what has happened and all she had to say was “don’t tell of my dd”
Was I wrong to say this!? The parents were sat watching their kids being bullied and this had been going on for a few days

OP posts:
Flsh · 01/02/2022 17:20

*watching their kids being bullies not bullied

OP posts:
Samcro · 01/02/2022 17:20

Well done for saying something

WhatNoRaisins · 01/02/2022 17:22

Good for you

MayThePawsBeWithYou · 01/02/2022 17:22

Have you discussed this with the school head and reported the bullying. Confronting other peoples kids never goes well unfortunately.

shouldistop · 01/02/2022 17:23

I maybe would have spoken to the parents first as they probably couldn't hear what was going on. That said I don't think what you did was wrong and if I were that parent I'd have been mortified at my child's behaviour.

anon12345678901 · 01/02/2022 17:24

You weren't wrong at all. I'd have done the same. Maybe the parents should be more aware of how their kids treat others.

Flsh · 01/02/2022 17:27

MayThePawsBeWithYou- the school head flatly denies bullying exists. A child who was bullying him “accidentally” hit him round the face with a tennis racket TWICE (once giving him a black eye!) and the head insisted it was an accident both times and refused to even entertain the idea it was anything else (that boy doesn’t go to the same school )
It’s made me really worried tbh because ds just
Completely accepted the way they were treating him and thinks they’re his friends so now I’m worried about what goes on at school

OP posts:
teaandchocolate1 · 01/02/2022 17:30

Well done for speaking up and definitely kick up a fuss at the school about the bullying.

ReadySteadyTwins · 01/02/2022 17:33

They were definitely being nasty.

But you can't just call them nasty, they're 8, and you're the adult. And I say this as a mum to an ADHD teen, who, through the years have endured exactly what you describe.

My experience is you will face a tirade of dickhead parents whose children can do no wrong. And all that will do is frustrate you more, because you know what you saw, and the parent is in complete denial about the hurt to your child.

You can't parent them. Only your own child. It sucks, because there are some real little b*stards out there. If you do, as you've discovered today, all you do, is invite a dickhead parent to have a go at you.

Speak to parents directly. Be open about your child's condition, and let them know you witnessed some very unkind behaviour. Make it quite clear that it's not up for debate what you saw and heard. Would they please speak to their child to either treat your child with kindness, or if they simply do not like him (which is ok too, we can't be everyone's cup of tea) then there is no reason for them to be near each other and to please leave him alone.

Mamamia7962 · 01/02/2022 17:35

Flsh - A bit confused, does the boy who hit your son with the tennis racquet go to his school and was that done during school?

Flsh · 01/02/2022 17:37

Sorry, that was done during schools while ago but was just using it as an example of the schools views on bullying!

OP posts:
PonyPatter44 · 01/02/2022 17:39

Of course you weren't wrong. If you don't stand up for your child, no other bugger will.

To the poster who suggested you shouldn't say other children are being nasty - of course you should! They ARE being nasty to a child who is 'different ', and they need to be told that that is nasty behaviour. It won't scar them for life and it might just shame one or two of them to be kinder.

Suzanne999 · 01/02/2022 17:41

They’ll never learn if someone doesn’t pull them up .
Lazy parenting just letting the kids play and taking no notice of what was going on, the other mother was in the wrong.

Mamamia7962 · 01/02/2022 17:44

Ah I see, some schools don't like to admit there is bullying going on. If he tells you things that have happened at school and you still think he is being bullied, definitely take it up with the head again and don't let them fob you off. Any meetings you have, back up with a letter stating what was discussed and measures to be taken and by whom. Always have written evidence.

Squishmael · 01/02/2022 17:47

Advocate for your child. Always.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 01/02/2022 17:53

Well done! You haven't done anything wrong OP. My son is autistic too! He has had to suffer awful bullying. The little shits know exactly what they are doing. their parents and the bloody school wont do anything
.

HotWaterAndLemon · 01/02/2022 17:56

I would have said something to them too. Probably out of earshot of their parents though.

I agree with those saying persist with the school.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 01/02/2022 17:59

@ReadySteadyTwins

They were definitely being nasty.

But you can't just call them nasty, they're 8, and you're the adult. And I say this as a mum to an ADHD teen, who, through the years have endured exactly what you describe.

My experience is you will face a tirade of dickhead parents whose children can do no wrong. And all that will do is frustrate you more, because you know what you saw, and the parent is in complete denial about the hurt to your child.

You can't parent them. Only your own child. It sucks, because there are some real little b*stards out there. If you do, as you've discovered today, all you do, is invite a dickhead parent to have a go at you.

Speak to parents directly. Be open about your child's condition, and let them know you witnessed some very unkind behaviour. Make it quite clear that it's not up for debate what you saw and heard. Would they please speak to their child to either treat your child with kindness, or if they simply do not like him (which is ok too, we can't be everyone's cup of tea) then there is no reason for them to be near each other and to please leave him alone.

What a load of rubbish

Why should she have to be open about her son's condition to anyone? It's nobody's bloody business! And yes she can call 8 year olds nasty as that's exactly what they were at that moment.

CheapFoodShits · 01/02/2022 18:02

You definitely did the right thing. My DS' school are probably sick of me constantly turning up and emailing to let them know he is being picked on yet again by the same kids. He's 9 and has ADHD and can be very easily manipulated into thinking these boys are his friends, despite them being horrible to him just the day before. It's heartbreaking to hear of anyone being mean to your child, but to witness it? I admit, it would have taken a lot for me to just call the kids "nasty".

RippleEffects · 01/02/2022 18:02

Label the behaviour not the child. The behaviour was nasty. Some of the time the children sound as though they were being okay, some of it not. 8 year olds are very, very rarely nasty in themselves.

It sounds like they are fairly unsupervised/ left to it, albeit with parents physically in the vicinity. From what you say they were using your DS as the easy option to be 'It' because its the role nobody else wanted.

With Autism our DC are more vulnerable to being sidelined as they don't pick up on the nuances of play in the same way but many can learn to challenge unfair and assert themselves to redress the balance or learn when not to play.

My own Autistic son is now 18, so I have been the hands on parent feeling very defensive/ protective/ angry for my child/ frustrated at other lazy parenting.

Have you come across social stories and story boarding? Basically breaking down a situation where things haven't quite worked out in an ideal way and looking at the way they could be managed encouraging your child to tell the story and work through different scenarios.

So in the 'It' scenario.

Was it fair DS was always 'It'.

What were DS's choices. Say nothing and accept being It. Ask that the 'it' role rotate or walk away saying I no longer wish to join in if we aren't sharing.

If you go through the story with DS of what happened a few times and find yourself in a similar scenario, you can mention the story of the park and encourage your DS to consider his options. Let him lead the decission in how to act and positively reward him owning the situation when he makes a good choice.

You can use the basic sharing scenario to make up other situation stories and talk through with your DS what choices would be.

TrashyPanda · 01/02/2022 18:04

Of course you weren’t wrong.
Those brats were deliberately being unkind.
Sadly, the type of parent who thinks no one should reprimand their little darling regardless of what they are doing is usually a really crap parent. You are never going to get anywhere with someone who has that mentality.

ByMyName · 01/02/2022 18:05

OP you’ve done the right thing sticking up for your child. However, you need to have a chat with the parents as well. If my child was being unkind, I would like to be able to address it with them as well.

ReadySteadyTwins · 01/02/2022 18:13

Why should she have to be open about her son's condition to anyone? It's nobody's bloody business! And yes she can call 8 year olds nasty as that's exactly what they were at that moment.

Oh, carry on calling 8yr olds nasty then. Worked out well for her today, didn't it. What did it achieve exactly, other than a dickhead parent, confronting her. Improved anything for her son? No.

I'm well aware they were nasty. I'm also OP, but 6yrs further down the road with a 14yr old, like her 8yr old. Who's had to navigate this crap from other children, since DS was about 5.

This ain't my first rodeo. She can carry on doing what she thinks is right, and let me make it very clear, I know she's in the right. But this doesn't help with dickheads and their offspring, or make anything better for her son. Might be an idea to listen to someone who started off just like that, and can tell you right now, it's not the productive or clever way to go.

And to echo PP, you label the behaviour, not the child.

Flsh · 01/02/2022 18:16

After the parent told me not to tell her child off (I wasn’t even telling her child off just telling them that they HAD been nasty because they came up to me saying they’re weren’t) I explained to the mum what had happened and that ds was autistic but she really couldn’t care less tbh I think we’ll just avoid that park for a while because I’m worried if we keep going there the kids will now decide it’s a fun game to be nasty to DS seeing as their parents seem to think it’s fine.
All the parents of these kids are friends and sat together etc so I can imagine they’re all going to be sure that they are in the right and I am in the wrong I can’t imagine them encouraging their children to be nice now

OP posts:
VioletLemon · 01/02/2022 18:20

You weren't wrong but it might have had more impact had you spoken to the parents. Ultimately you don't want your DS playing with a bunch of little shits anyway and if you can highlight what exactly the nasty behaviours are and how it affects your DS. Social stories using visuals might help your son find a couple of strategies to deal with tricky situations. I'd try to start him in clubs for ASN kids, the parents will support you and hell meet others with similar issues. School should be informed and challenged about the bullying. You need to know from them what their inclusion policy is and what they do to raise awareness of ASD and other differences. Some kids are just little shits though.