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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told ds not to play with nasty children?

125 replies

Flsh · 01/02/2022 17:18

Ds is autistic and attends a mainstream school we often go to the park after school
A few children from his school also go there, and usually these kids are happy to play with ds.
For reference he’s 8 and these kids are aged 8-10.
Recently these children have decided to leave him out and purposely not let him play and call him names, so I went to get him to redirect him somewhere else and told him to play with someone else telling him loudly
“you don’t play with children who are nasty to people anyway, do you DS?” And told the children to leave him alone as they were following him and making a point to him that he couldn’t join in (if that makes sense?)
Later on in the day the children decided to “lef” him join in so he did, but really they were just using it as another way to be mean- they were playing it and basically all making sure he was always ‘it’ and constantly changing the rules on him.
I told him not to play the game because they’re are being nasty and using the game as a way to be nasty (he didn’t understand that is what they were doing and it was breaking my heart watching it happen)
The kids said to me “we’re not nasty!” So I told them that they certainly were being nasty and that it isn’t very nice to treat him in a way they wouldn’t like to be treated.
Mum of one of the kids came marching over and told me not to tell off her child, I explained what has happened and all she had to say was “don’t tell of my dd”
Was I wrong to say this!? The parents were sat watching their kids being bullied and this had been going on for a few days

OP posts:
lollipoprainbow · 02/02/2022 07:18

Urgh I hate all this hand wringing nonsense about not calling kids nasty !! Trust me 8 year olds can be horrible I've witnessed it with my own dd9 with asd.

ReadySteadyTwins · 02/02/2022 07:20

@lollipoprainbow

Urgh I hate all this hand wringing nonsense about not calling kids nasty !! Trust me 8 year olds can be horrible I've witnessed it with my own dd9 with asd.
It's not hand wringing. They clearly were nasty.

It's how you deal with it. And the answer isn't passive aggressively to the 8yr old.

lollipoprainbow · 02/02/2022 07:28

@ReadySteadyTwins if may not be your answer but maybe it's others, what makes you the expert ?

worriedatthemoment · 02/02/2022 07:39

@saraclara no you don't have to watch them every second but you don't also just switch off
The op had already said they could hear and see what was going on and funnily enough they heard when the OP said something
Too many parents just ignore bad behaviour nowadays as they can't possibly tell their child off as it may hurt their feelings if you listen too many on here,

ReadySteadyTwins · 02/02/2022 07:39

[quote lollipoprainbow]@ReadySteadyTwins if may not be your answer but maybe it's others, what makes you the expert ? [/quote]
It's not about being an expert, it's about being the mother of a 14yr old with additional needs, who has encountered this scenario more times than you can imagine. And I'm telling you. What OP did, is not the best way to deal with this. For her son.

There's a lot of "you should do this" from people with zero experience of raising a NT child, and any real idea of how it works in the real world.

What you are actually faced with, compared with how things should work are often poles apart.

Horst · 02/02/2022 07:45

Maybe if more people pulled children up on their terrible behaviour we would have less naughty children and shitty parents. Because the naughty children wouldn’t raise the next generation by being shitty parents.

All too much turn a blind eye type stuff. One of the reasons it used to be safer for children to play out more was because parents had no problem flagging up others bad behaviour to them as well as going directly to the parents.

Pahahahahahahahee · 02/02/2022 07:58

@Horst

Maybe if more people pulled children up on their terrible behaviour we would have less naughty children and shitty parents. Because the naughty children wouldn’t raise the next generation by being shitty parents.

All too much turn a blind eye type stuff. One of the reasons it used to be safer for children to play out more was because parents had no problem flagging up others bad behaviour to them as well as going directly to the parents.

Spot on
TopsieGreenwood · 02/02/2022 08:03

Yanbu. Well done for having the courage to point out to these kids that their behaviour was unacceptable. Their parents sure as hell can't be arsed. Good idea to speak to the class teacher too. When dd was at primary i followed the mumsnet advice of speaking to the school not the parents but I actually wish I'd had the courage to point out to one of the mums what her dd was like, even though I doubt it would have been well received. I hope the voting reassures you many people think you did the right thing.
I found secondary school was a big improvement, even though it was the local.comp where the same kids went. I found secondary kinder. I think primary schools can be useless at dealing with bullying, especially if the bully parents are friends with staff, but secondary schools can be much better. Dd has had no problems and been happy. Now year 13 and she's had a lovely bunch of friends and I bet your son will too. All the nice kids seem to and are happy. The mean kids are usually too busy having dramas with other mean kids to bother bullying nice kids

Original poster
Flsh · 02/02/2022 08:51

Received some very dirty looks from said parents on the school run this morning, clearly their kids can do no wrong. No wonder their children think it’s acceptable to act like bullies I guess

OP posts:
TopsieGreenwood · 02/02/2022 09:10

At least you've drawn their attention to their kids dreadful behaviour now which they were merrily ignoring before. They now know you aren't going to just put up with it.

ReadySteadyTwins · 02/02/2022 09:12

@Flsh

Received some very dirty looks from said parents on the school run this morning, clearly their kids can do no wrong. No wonder their children think it’s acceptable to act like bullies I guess
That was alway going to happen. But if I may, I'll fix your sentence....

Received some very dirty looks from dickheads who are raising their children to be bullies, and shitty adults on the school run this morning, clearly their kids can do no wrong and when they grow up and take a step into the big wide world, they will struggle because of how they've been raised. No wonder their children think it’s acceptable to act like bullies I guess and I thank my lucky stars that me and my child will never be like that. The actions of dickheads are a reflection on them, not me, and what they think doesn't matter.

Flowers
WhatNoRaisins · 02/02/2022 09:15

Hold your head high. Any decent parent would want to be informed if their child was behaving in that way. Also I for one wouldn't expect other parents to treat my child with kid gloves if they were being nasty, I mean why should they.

saraclara · 02/02/2022 09:16

@Flsh

Received some very dirty looks from said parents on the school run this morning, clearly their kids can do no wrong. No wonder their children think it’s acceptable to act like bullies I guess
But this is the thing. It's the way you handled this that led to the dirty looks. And the children if anything, will ramp up their negativity towards your son, because it will be backed up at home.

The pp who suggested engaging with the kids positively and encouraging joint play, or simply removing your boy and engaging him elsewhere (as you did in the end) was right.

If what you're after is for those kids to treat your child better, then that's the way to achive it, however annoying it might be to be pleasant to them. Telling them they were nasty in front of their parents might have been satisfying, but it won't change their behaviour, and they'll just add "and he has a horrible mum" to the list of reasons why they reject him.

Coronawireless · 02/02/2022 09:22

Oh gosh I’d have been tempted to do worse than that if I were you, in the moment.
BUT…does it help your child in the long run? No. He’ll be bullied more…just when you’re not around. Or else avoided completely. And you’ll have alienated some parents who may have been brought on side.
The 8 year olds will not be aware that he is autistic. They may just think he’s a little odd or annoying, possibly that he’s doing it on purpose. With some insight their view of him could be reframed. Some of the kids will carry on being shits of course… but some could become allies if they were aware that your little boy needed one, and you might be surprised at who would become his biggest allies.

SartresSoul · 02/02/2022 09:28

YANBU, you absolutely did the right thing. The other parents should feel ashamed of themselves too, I’d be mortified if my DC were bullying someone.

WhatNoRaisins · 02/02/2022 09:32

Would engaging positively do much here? If they aren't being taught to be good people at home how receptive are they going to be to the OP?

trunktoes · 02/02/2022 09:36

I agree with Saraclara I am afraid. You didn't handle it well and now the kids now won't want to play with the kid with the mean Mummy. I can't believe the amount of parents here who are saying this was the right thing to do - it's going to cause issues with the kids and the parents. I also agree that an 8 year old will have no understand of what it means to be autistic and probably find him annoying. Of course that doesn't mean it's right to bully him but you can't force 8 year olds to play with someone they don't want to however being mean is something else. It sounds like they were being mean however a chat with the parents would have put a stop to this. Instead I think you made yourself look a bit of an idiot as well as having called their kids nasty. You aren't going to be little miss popular now

Original poster
Flsh · 02/02/2022 09:50

What I said to their children was along the lines of “yes you were being nasty to him. would you like it if you were being treated that way? It’s not nice to treat him like that so if you can’t be nice then just leave him alone” I didn’t go up to a bunch of kids and have a go at them, I just replied to them because they came running over declaring that they weren’t doing what I’d just watched them do, after I told ds to stop playing the game because they were being nasty again, the poor kid doesn’t realise when he’s being made the butt of the joke. I don’t particularly want him to play with kids like that tbh anyway.
I couldn’t care less if those parents don’t like me, I don’t particularly like them either.

OP posts:
Coronawireless · 02/02/2022 10:02

I guess maybe you have to see it as you being the wind beneath his wings. The person behind the scenes making it all happen for him. This might mean gritting your teeth and being pleasant to people you would never dream of being pleasant to on your own behalf. But you’re not doing this for you!
I don’t mean lie down and allow yourselves to be treated like shit. But you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
Navigating all of this for him must be very difficult. I feel for you💐

SamphiretheStickerist · 02/02/2022 10:02

Sadly saraclara is right. In this day and age shit parents make shit kids and anyone who tries to get them and their shit behaviour to stop automatically becomes the problem.

What you did Flsh should be the right thing for any adult to do. But the old axiom about it taking a village to raise a child has become anathema. And it isn't all for the good, for the child or society!

Hillarious · 02/02/2022 10:07

OP you just need to take on board what @ReadySteadyTwins and @Prinny have said. They both speak a lot of sense. Using the word "nasty" isn't good, and an 8 year old won't get the semantics around being called "nasty", or being told they are simply "being nasty". Unkind is a much better word to use and gives an opportunity to come back from that and be kind. It's not ideal to get into an argument with 8 year olds, unless they're your own.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 02/02/2022 10:41

@ByMyName

OP you’ve done the right thing sticking up for your child. However, you need to have a chat with the parents as well. If my child was being unkind, I would like to be able to address it with them as well.
I've been told off by other parents for telling their kids not to bully my ds. Some parents just don't like being told that their little darlings are anything but.

But on another occasion DH had a quiet word with someone's mother and ds never had a problem with that child again. You don't know how someone is going to react until you say something (it also probably makes all the difference when it's the dad who says something as all mothers are hysterical, obvs).

DilemmaDelilah · 02/02/2022 10:41

You shouldn't have told your son the children were nasty. It just as wrong to label people with derogatory terms as what they were doing. (Calling somebody nasty, stupid, clumsy etc.). However you were not wrong to call out their poor behavior. You could tell your son they are being nasty, they are being mean etc. That is different from saying That they ARE nasty, which implies they are always nasty.

Original poster
Flsh · 02/02/2022 10:45

I said to ds that they were being nasty not that they ARE nasty. I didn’t call them anything

OP posts:
Momijin · 02/02/2022 10:55

Well done op. And I bet it didn't sit right with some of the kids but they just went along with it.

Hate bullying. If anyone told me that my child have been behaving like that, I would have a serious talk to them and ask them how they would feel if kids were picking on them etc, and about treating people how you would like to be treated.

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