To have told ds not to play with nasty children?

[Flsh]

Ds is autistic and attends a mainstream school we often go to the park after school
A few children from his school also go there, and usually these kids are happy to play with ds.
For reference he’s 8 and these kids are aged 8-10.
Recently these children have decided to leave him out and purposely not let him play and call him names, so I went to get him to redirect him somewhere else and told him to play with someone else telling him loudly
“you don’t play with children who are nasty to people anyway, do you DS?” And told the children to leave him alone as they were following him and making a point to him that he couldn’t join in (if that makes sense?)
Later on in the day the children decided to “lef” him join in so he did, but really they were just using it as another way to be mean- they were playing it and basically all making sure he was always ‘it’ and constantly changing the rules on him.
I told him not to play the game because they’re are being nasty and using the game as a way to be nasty (he didn’t understand that is what they were doing and it was breaking my heart watching it happen)
The kids said to me “we’re not nasty!” So I told them that they certainly were being nasty and that it isn’t very nice to treat him in a way they wouldn’t like to be treated.
Mum of one of the kids came marching over and told me not to tell off her child, I explained what has happened and all she had to say was “don’t tell of my dd”
Was I wrong to say this!? The parents were sat watching their kids being bullied and this had been going on for a few days

But she didn't tell the mother that's the point. She told of a load of 8 year olds. That's not going to go down well with the kids or their parents

You said you told them they were being nasty. Anyway you don't like them now they don't like you. Win win

OP, I am so surprised at some of the comments here. You absolutely did the right thing, and showed considerably more restraint than many others would. Please keep advocating for your little boy.

@EsmeSusanOgg

OP, I am so surprised at some of the comments here. You absolutely did the right thing, and showed considerably more restraint than many others would. Please keep advocating for your little boy.

She didn't advocate for him. What she did was ensure that those kids will never accept him. She made him more of a target.

Advocating for him would have been engaging with those kids and facilitating him joining in, so that they got to know him.

Oh BS. Those kids were already bullying him. She called them out on it.

It's not that you've done anything wrong, but you lose the Koran highground when you start calling an 8 year old nasty.

If it was my child, I'd have been happy for you say something to me or them, but not to call names.

saraclara- they already know him, they used to be supposedly “friends” of his, they have known him for years and it’s not the first time they’ve pulled this kind of shit. They knew EXACTLY what they were doing and frankly my DS isn’t there to be used for their amusement like that.
When they’re in a group together they see him as the easy target. They know he’s autistic, it’s not new information to anyone.

As someone who got the "can't you just get on with people?" response to being bullied I'm cynical about encouraging the victim to bend over backwards to be accepted into a group like this. They've shown their colours and it sounds like a non-starter.

Those kids are definitely bullying your son this is exactly what bullying is.

Bullies’ parents are usually also bullies, you won’t get anywhere with them.

Written complaint to the head re “my child is being bullied by X,Y, and Z, on and off school premises. Please can I have details of how the scjool is going to resolve this.

Also consider moving your son, DD’s friend was in a similar situation and the mum didn’t mess anout just swapped schools instantly and the friend is SO much happier at their new school.

I’m sorry this is happening 😔 Kids are offen mean like this but they need the adules around them - parents, teachers, even strangers in the park - to make it clear thet it isn’t acceptable.

Otherwise they grow up to be tossers. And as you can see there are many many tossers in the world.

@Flsh

trunktoes He can’t fight his own battles in this regard because he’s at a social disadvantage to other children because he’s autistic so imo he needs help in that way. He literally won’t fight his own battle he would just put up with it

Did he mind being "it"? I think as others have said you need social stories to access his feelings and how he can react but tbh, if he was happy playing I'd have left him to it. It seems more like you were upset than him.

Typical fucking Mumsnet handwringing over the bullies being called nasty rather than the victim of their bullying. OP you did nothing wrong. Those kids WERE being nasty little shits while their equally shitty parents looked on. SOMEONE had to protect your DS and you did, AND you held yourself together really well under the circumstances. Don’t let the PC brigade tell you any different.

You weren't wrong. 'well someone has to tell them how to behave' Id have said.

Yes he did mind- because he was getting clearly and visibly distressed about not understanding the rules of the game, which was impossible for him to understand the rules because they changed them constantly on him and it’s was all of them vs him, it’s hard to describe but they weren’t trying to play with him they were pretending to play with him as a way to try to wind him up. if it had carried on it would have ended in a complete meltdown

If it was my child, I'd have been happy for you say something to me or them, but not to call names

Who cares what you’d be happy about? The victim of the bullies matter not the often worse than useless parents of them.

@Flsh

Yes he did mind- because he was getting clearly and visibly distressed about not understanding the rules of the game, which was impossible for him to understand the rules because they changed them constantly on him and it’s was all of them vs him, it’s hard to describe but they weren’t trying to play with him they were pretending to play with him as a way to try to wind him up. if it had carried on it would have ended in a complete meltdown

Then I'd have intervened and explained that to the other children, and if they said that was how they wanted to play I'd say to my son he didn't have to carry on playing a game he didn't like.

Oh and OP if it were my child bullying yours-wouldn’t happen because I’d have been watching mine, but just say it was-I’d be more than happy for you to tell them to stop being nasty.

I think the other mother had a point tbh.

You should've approached the other parent in a polite and friendly manner and raised your concern that your DC wasn't been treated fairly within the group and the reasons for that and would she be able to help you sort it. Most people are reasonable and they don't like to see unfairness or bullying.

Going in with guns blazing and name calling other kids is never going to go down well regardless of whether you think it is deserved or not. Absolutely no-one is going to thank you for calling their child "nasty". You immediately got her back up and after that, there was no solution other than to withdraw your DC.

OP do you have any friends from the school?
How are your social skills?

Good for you, Mama! I would have done EXACTLY the same. He needed you to have his back & you did. The spiteful kids needed telling - they knew exactly what they were doing & their parents are clearly no better. I'd definitely speak to the school though & avoid the park for a bit - not that you should have to, but sometimes you need to just walk away from twats who won't accept they're twats!!
Hope your boy is OK.

I’d have gone one further and told her that if she gave her child lessons in how not to be a dick then nobody would have to tell her off.
Some people are just arseholes and then they raise arsehole kids.

It's usually the cruelest of people who expect the best treatment which in this context means bullies really don't seem to like criticism of their behaviour however obvious where it's coming from.

Ah sorry OP, I re-read your posts. The little shits do sound horrible - it’s probably one or two horrible ones but the others join in without stopping to think.
I still think that if you spoke to some of the nicer parents they might make their DC more aware so they’d stand up for him. Perhaps the school might help with this?
If not, is there any way your DS could move school if it’s been going on for years now?

I dont disagree with you saying they were being nasty but i think kids often make the youngest/weakest etc do what they want. Sounds like most of them are older.
I would be worrying less about these specific kids and focusing on if you can help him identify the bullying behaviour and also whether he wants to play with certain kids. Obviously this is hard. But it's going to be if he does not recognise these sorts of kids and avoid them. So steering him away probably is the answer. Trying to organise 1-2-1 playdates in the park. As whilst great if it works sometimes joining onto an established group is hard for any kid, in fact many NT kids might not do that.
I think schools have an influence here though as they dont seem to give a crap about anything non physical but even the 'nice ' kids at school were telling my dc she had to move so they could have the whole area.

I do know though loads of parents who do ignore pretty bad behaviour from kids and some of them seem to be ok at school but go crazy out of it.

DS got an apology from the involved children after school today, not sure what changed tbh. Who knows but ds is happy so that’s all good.
Had a chat with ds about bullying and what that can look like and he said “maybe people do that because they like to feel like they have power but a better way to have power is to be helpful to people” I was fairly impressed by his insight with that one!

I’m glad something changed with them!

Your DS is a smart cookie!