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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told ds not to play with nasty children?

125 replies

Flsh · 01/02/2022 17:18

Ds is autistic and attends a mainstream school we often go to the park after school
A few children from his school also go there, and usually these kids are happy to play with ds.
For reference he’s 8 and these kids are aged 8-10.
Recently these children have decided to leave him out and purposely not let him play and call him names, so I went to get him to redirect him somewhere else and told him to play with someone else telling him loudly
“you don’t play with children who are nasty to people anyway, do you DS?” And told the children to leave him alone as they were following him and making a point to him that he couldn’t join in (if that makes sense?)
Later on in the day the children decided to “lef” him join in so he did, but really they were just using it as another way to be mean- they were playing it and basically all making sure he was always ‘it’ and constantly changing the rules on him.
I told him not to play the game because they’re are being nasty and using the game as a way to be nasty (he didn’t understand that is what they were doing and it was breaking my heart watching it happen)
The kids said to me “we’re not nasty!” So I told them that they certainly were being nasty and that it isn’t very nice to treat him in a way they wouldn’t like to be treated.
Mum of one of the kids came marching over and told me not to tell off her child, I explained what has happened and all she had to say was “don’t tell of my dd”
Was I wrong to say this!? The parents were sat watching their kids being bullied and this had been going on for a few days

OP posts:

worriedatthemoment · 01/02/2022 20:43

@saraclara or as a parent you could keep an eye on your kids and if there being horrible little shits step in and do something yourself
Too many people sit back and ignore and then get in a huff if someone else dares say anything
When mine were that age I supervised them and would be aware of what was going on

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 01/02/2022 20:45

Well I wouldn't have used the word nasty because ds would likely repeat it continuously at school to them

I would have told my 8 year old who also has autism that he doesn't want to play with people who are being unkind though and I wouldn't give a shit what the parent thought about it

Original poster

Flsh · 01/02/2022 20:45

ReadySteadyTwins- the second time when I was explaining to ds not to play the game with them as they’re just using it as another way to be nasty to him etc is when they said they weren’t nasty and I told them that they were being nasty (admittedly that is probably childish I know!) but I didn’t just go up to them calling them nasty or anything
I know nothing good comes from it really I was just so upset for ds

OP posts:

worriedatthemoment · 01/02/2022 20:48

If parents don't want other people saying anything to their kids then maybe they need to supervise and step in themselves a little sooner
Too many just don't care or See their kid as a perfect little poppet
All kids ,even the nicest can sometimes be mean and need some redirection
Their kids they are learning but sometimes do need to be told they are not being kind etc
If your the parent step up and do it yourself , otherwise don't be offended when someone else does it for you

Lifeisamaze · 01/02/2022 20:51

I am not sure my approach is right, but in the circumstances you describe I would have just distracted my child to remove them from the situation, played with them myself or cheerfully called it a day if the above wasn't working.... And then worked on building their skills/confidence/handling etc away from the situation.

I think intervening in the way you did risks isolating your child further, dents their confidence, does nothing long term.

It's heartbreaking to hear your child being on the recieving end of unkindness though, especially when you know they already have additional challenges in life. But 8 year olds are still little kids, and still at the age of needing help occasionally working out how to behave/be kind.

ReadySteadyTwins · 01/02/2022 20:57

99.9% of the time, a nasty child comes from a nasty parent.

Trying to have any decent conversation with these people is just a waste of your breath. So for god sake don't start bickering with their 8yr old children, all you do is end up having to listen to a ranting Mother Dickhead.

I know it's heart breaking, watching your child as the butt of the joke that they don't even get. Just remove him from the situation. It's not forever, honestly, as the children get older, the dickheads keep in their cliques and only very rarely venture out. DS didn't have a proper friend until he was about 12. And it felt like an eternity to get there.

This is going to happen. At this age? Quite a lot.

Chalk today up to experience, and tell yourself what you would have done differently. Be prepared with that, the next time you are faced with a similar problem.

Prinnny · 01/02/2022 21:11

I think nasty was the wrong word, unkind would be better, they’re 8 not 18.

Agree with PPs I hate that that passive aggressive ‘come away darling’ shit, move the child away and speak to the parents, no need for a performance.

Mydogmylife · 01/02/2022 21:27

@trunktoes

To be honest I think you leave kids that age to fight there own battles unless it's consistent bullying. This doesn't sound like that to me. I think you over reacted

I don't think op's son is in a position to fight his own battles though

Original poster

Flsh · 01/02/2022 21:32

Prinnny- their parents were there, watching them do it, repeatedly for days so I’m not sure their parents were particularly bothered. I couldn’t just move my child away because they were following him around. Yesterday they did the same thing and I did just redirect him, he found a new friend to play with straight away and they tried to get his new friend not to play with him as well and did this with every child ds played with.

OP posts:

HailAdrian · 01/02/2022 21:34

You did nothing wrong, your son needs you to be the one who sticks up for him. 8-10yos are very capable of being 'nasty.' Well done to you, I say.

GettingThemFromHereToThere · 01/02/2022 21:40

Well done OP! Sounds like they need a good lesson in manners.

I hope your son is ok ❤️

PinkSyCo · 01/02/2022 21:48

But you can't just call them nasty, they're 8, and you're the adult. And I say this as a mum to an ADHD teen, who, through the years have endured exactly what you describe.

She didn’t call them nasty. She said they we being nasty which they were. OP well done for speaking up. I am gobsmacked that the parents sat and did nothing and would have gone over and shamed them too if I were you.

Fudgein · 01/02/2022 21:48

To be honest, I would like to think my child wouldn't behave like this it's certainly not how I've brought her up & I've never heard of or witnessed that she has been horrible to anyone BUT if any adult in a park called her a name I would absolutely confront them. I also wouldn't be closely supervising her in a park at 8 years old. If you had approached me directly and said "x really wants to join in but they are being quite nasty to him" then I would call her over and reprimand her myself. So yanbu to do what you did, but I dont think the other parent was either.

Fudgein · 01/02/2022 21:50

Sorry @Flsh I have just read your update that the parents actually witnessed the behaviour. In that case it was a lose lose situation anyway as they obviously don't care about their children being cruel to others. Hope your DS is feeling okay.

WhateverHappenedToFayWray · 01/02/2022 21:58

I would've done the same as you OP

cinderhella · 01/02/2022 21:58

I would say well done to you for standing up for your child and for decenct behaviour. Sometimes other kids just need to hear it, how else do they learn? They’re not going to magically grow out of unkindness on their own.

Goawayangryman · 01/02/2022 22:02

I can completely understand why you did what you did, and you are categorically in the right. Your poor son. Those parents should be ashamed. I would have been mortified if mine had behaved like the excluding, mean kids :(

I think there are probably better ways to deal with the actual offenders (the parents btw not the kids) but who would really blame you for sticking up for him then and there?? I bet actually that those kids might remember this incident. I was rightly told off by another parent when I was 7 and being very unthinking toward a disabled child who was actually my friend
I remember it very clearly to this day and am still ashamed about it now nearly 40 years later!

trunktoes · 01/02/2022 22:06

OP some autistic kids can fight there own battles but if yours can't then the right thing to do would have been to say something to the parents. Calling 8 year olds nasty as an adult does not put you in a good light tbh. I still think you reacted wrongly I am afraid. But you did what you did - no point in sweating it now

LethargeMarg · 01/02/2022 22:11

@Lifeisamaze

I think intervening in the way you did risks isolating your child further, dents their confidence, does nothing long term.

I think this is a brilliant approach. I understand wanting to defend your son from the other kids being unkind but you've given a big reaction to their unkind behaviour and that's actually more likely to continue it - plus their parents will have got all defensive and probably minimised what they were doing . It is very hard to not intervene in these situations but I don't think it will make this behaviour change.

Original poster

Flsh · 01/02/2022 22:28

To be clear I didn’t call them names or call them nasty I said they were being nasty which is quite different to calling a child names I think!
I do know it’s probably not the best way I could have handled it but tbh the parents don’t give two shits about how their kids are acting.
One of the children is in his class at school so I’ll probably talk to the class teacher about it because she was the one sort of leading the nastiness towards DS and I want to make sure she isn’t doing it at school too… I don’t care if she doesn’t like him or doesn’t want to play with him but instructing other children not to play with him and getting them to exclude him, especially when he struggles socially is really not on imo
The others are in older years at school so he doesn’t see much of them except at the park so we will probably just go to a different park for a couple of weeks so that picking on my ds doesn’t become some kind of game to them

OP posts:

ReadySteadyTwins · 01/02/2022 22:33

100% speak to the school if the other children go there too.

If this is what they will do to him right under your nose, they will definitely try this crap at school.

Original poster

Flsh · 01/02/2022 23:04

The others do go to the same school yeah but they’re in years 5&6 so he doesn’t see them in school much, one of them was also mean to him a lot on Fortnite recently (ds now not allowed to play Fortnite as not worth the grief!) I only let him download it as his best friend plays it and he’d been asking for a year, I thought it’d be helpful for him socially to chat to his best mate online after school etc but they were both being horrible to him on there so he just doesn’t play it now he was getting upset. Does feel a bit like these kids are ruining things for him and not really wanting him to have any friends but now sure there’s much I can do beyond mention to to school

OP posts:

saraclara · 01/02/2022 23:11

[quote worriedatthemoment]@saraclara or as a parent you could keep an eye on your kids and if there being horrible little shits step in and do something yourself
Too many people sit back and ignore and then get in a huff if someone else dares say anything
When mine were that age I supervised them and would be aware of what was going on [/quote]
That wasn't remotely my point. OP should have addressed the kids' behaviour with the parent. Not passive-aggressively insult the kids. She was doing her lad no favours at all, in the kids would be likely to take out OP's behaviour on her DS next time they saw him. A quiet word with the parent would have been more direct and more effective.

Parents of 8 year olds don't need to watch them every second. It's not like taking a four year old to the park.

From a distance they might not hear what their kid is saying to your boy, OP. So simply let them know that there's a problem.

Original poster

Flsh · 01/02/2022 23:14

saraclara- there’s no way they didn’t know what their children were doing, they were literally shouting at him calling him names and the other day even chased him out of the park and held the gate closed so he couldn’t get back in whilst shouting at him that he is annoying

OP posts:

Phoenix76 · 01/02/2022 23:45

This is a societal problem, a depressing one and not everyone is on the same page. The problem is, if these young children have no one steering them as to why we don’t treat others this way, before we know it they’re adults and can mutate into fully fledged bullies.

I’ve been teaching my girls from a young age that treating others unkindly isn’t acceptable and why. This isn’t to be confused with allowing themselves to be push overs. Even my 8 year old dd can identify when others are treating another child “badly” and she is self assured enough to explain to them why it’s wrong and bless her she’ll reverse it. I don’t know what the answer is, completely understand your feelings (my heart broke for your ds and I don’t even know him), until we collectively agree this behaviour isn’t right and work together to stamp it out the only thing we can do is remove them from the situation without our own dc knowing that’s what we’ve done. Kids can be cruel, without their parents successfully coaching them that we don’t single others out for being picked on it’s a massive struggle. I know you’ve said the school aren’t having any of it that this kind of behaviour exists but I would calmly attempt to point out to them that it does, hiding in plain sight, and ask them whether they discuss the affects of being “bullied” ( can’t think of another word) on people as often people, including adults, genuinely don’t know.

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