To have told ds not to play with nasty children?

[Flsh]

Ds is autistic and attends a mainstream school we often go to the park after school
A few children from his school also go there, and usually these kids are happy to play with ds.
For reference he’s 8 and these kids are aged 8-10.
Recently these children have decided to leave him out and purposely not let him play and call him names, so I went to get him to redirect him somewhere else and told him to play with someone else telling him loudly
“you don’t play with children who are nasty to people anyway, do you DS?” And told the children to leave him alone as they were following him and making a point to him that he couldn’t join in (if that makes sense?)
Later on in the day the children decided to “lef” him join in so he did, but really they were just using it as another way to be mean- they were playing it and basically all making sure he was always ‘it’ and constantly changing the rules on him.
I told him not to play the game because they’re are being nasty and using the game as a way to be nasty (he didn’t understand that is what they were doing and it was breaking my heart watching it happen)
The kids said to me “we’re not nasty!” So I told them that they certainly were being nasty and that it isn’t very nice to treat him in a way they wouldn’t like to be treated.
Mum of one of the kids came marching over and told me not to tell off her child, I explained what has happened and all she had to say was “don’t tell of my dd”
Was I wrong to say this!? The parents were sat watching their kids being bullied and this had been going on for a few days

Kids can be little shits can't they. Make sure when you call them out that you list exactly what their nasty behaviour looks like - name calling, leaving him out and changing the rules so he is always it.

I really hope that there are some kind kids at his school to be good friends with him, my son is autistic so I know what it's like.

Thanks for the suggestion of social stories that’s is a good idea to try and help him know what to do. Thing is he’s just oblivious and
It made me so upset for him that he didn’t even realise what was going on, he’s just a very friendly kid with a heart of gold so it doesn’t even occur to him that people who be mean. He also told me that he is annoying so they were right to leave him out which was awful to hear him say about himself.
VioletLemon- there’s a social group /youth club type thing for kids with asd/adhd locally but it’s been run online over zoom the past year or so because of covid which is such a shame because it’s exactly what ds needs, but he’d never be able to sit on a zoom call! i am really quite worried about him at the moment because he seems so down all the time and I think it’s where he’s getting to that age that he just isn’t able to keep up socially, he’s august born too so the youngest in his year which doesn’t help he just doesn’t quite get the more nuanced social rules and is an easy target basically

Good for you. I told off a much older girl who shoved my daughter out the way to jump on a piece of play equipment in front of my DD where she was queuing. The crazy mother came over going nuts at me. I told her what had happened and she said her daughter had a different version. I told her in that case her daughter was a liar as well as a bully. It didn't improve our conversation.
Her DD (aged at least 10) then fell off another bit of equipment (she was on top of the low roof where she shouldn't have been) and the mother went hysterical. Her DD was fine. I just laughed and shook my head and when she followed to demand I apologise to her daughter I just laughed and kept saying "a liar AND a bully, well done"

Oh your poor DS. Don't apologise for being his advocate - with other kids, with their parents, with the school

Oh I have no problem doing the “we don’t play with nasty children” “we don’t play with naughty children” “we don’t play with bullies”

Of the parent has an issue with that they can parent their child.

That's why those kids behaved the way they did. With parents like that....

Some children are absolutely horrible to children that have any sort of difference. It starts at such a young age too. You did the right thing pointing it out and explaining why. Surprising, they may not have realised what they were doing was unkin.

@Flsh

After the parent told me not to tell her child off (I wasn’t even telling her child off just telling them that they HAD been nasty because they came up to me saying they’re weren’t) I explained to the mum what had happened and that ds was autistic but she really couldn’t care less tbh I think we’ll just avoid that park for a while because I’m worried if we keep going there the kids will now decide it’s a fun game to be nasty to DS seeing as their parents seem to think it’s fine. All the parents of these kids are friends and sat together etc so I can imagine they’re all going to be sure that they are in the right and I am in the wrong I can’t imagine them encouraging their children to be nice now

Yep.

You will now be "that woman" who had the audacity to suggest their little darling's halo had slipped. The nerve of you. Should probably look at your own child, he's the real problem...

They are twats OP. Their kids will grow up to be twats. I know this doesn't make it any easier for you right now, but if there's anything to hold on too, at least you're not them.

Good people do exist in the world. The older your son gets, the more people from a broader scale of life that he meets, you'll find things ease.

Right now is the really shit part. Because you're stuck in a little primary school, with little play parks, and all you encounter, are the proverbial village idiots.

From my experience, it won't be like this forever. My DS is now in his teens, and whilst it's brought new problems, these problems are his. How can we work on his backwards social skills? How can we help him integrate with his peers with a very different emotional age?

The village idiots fade into their own little gossip circles and keep to their own drama. But I honestly can't offer you any better advice while he's at this age, than head down and battle through. Because it's a daily fight.

I know there's a lot of people hooting from the sidelines "Go you! You tell em! Be that Mama Bear for your child!". And in theory they are right, but in reality, unless they've got a child like ours, it's all very well spouting off like a motivational speake, because they haven't got a fecking clue of the reality. Pick your battles because there will be many, and it's knowing the right ones to invest in, and the ones to walk away from. Even if the little shites deserved throttling

Good for you. I'd do/have done the same. I've told my son today that I'll be having words with the mum of a boy in his class who repeatedly knocks my sons food out his hands at school. I've had several conversations with class teacher/ta's to no avail so if it happens again I'll be having words with the parents to be more aware. You can't let your kids get victimised.

You can't call children nasty in front of their parents, and expect no response. How would you feel if another mum told their child that yours was nasty, in your hearing?

If you want to suggest to your child that he doesn't play with children who are going to be unpleasant to him, do it quietly and just to him. Don't be passive aggressive and say it to him loudly in front of them and their parents.

There was nothing stopping you approaching the children calmly and asking them to be kind. Or even to approach the parent to say "I'm sorry, but there seems to be a problem with your child and mine, could you help me resolve it please?"

But it's really horrible to hear someone saying unpleasant things about your kid indirectly, but in a way that is intended for them to hear. I'd confront you about that, too.

saraclara Maybe they should have stopped their children being nasty then.
If any of my children were nasty to a child and their parent told their child they were being nasty I’d have no problem with that at all.

@Flsh

saraclara Maybe they should have stopped their children being nasty then. If any of my children were nasty to a child and their parent told their child they were being nasty I’d have no problem with that at all.

Yes. And this is what separates us, from dickhead parents.

Understand, the majority of children acting like this, are going on what they've learned from their parents.

I have no qualms about telling other children when they are being mean but certainly don't shout at them. Equally if my son is being a pain in the arse I am open to other people telling him to stop.
I soothing it does a child any good to be in a world where the only person who ever disciplines them is their parent. As long as people are being reasonable I really don't mind.

I'd be mortified if my son ever bullied another child and would certainly want to know. I have been bullied qnd know how that feels. I'm certain planning on raising one. All kids can be a bit horrible sometimes it's what their parents do about that causes problems.

Again, completely true. But you, again, are a parent who would be open to listening.

There's wrong on both sides here. Of course the inherent and underlying wrong is from the other children and the parent. That's the "bigger picture" wrong, if you will.

But an adult can't be walking around a park with loud, passive aggressive "we don't play with naaaaasty children" public service announcements. To 8 yr olds. Because said 8yr olds will of course run home and report of the crazy lady in the park shouting that children are nasty. And any parent will investigate this.

Some with decency. And some like the parent OP got today.

And let's face it, if they are nasty children, they're going to be the children of the latter type.

Good for you for saying something. My son has autism too. I think it’s even more important to set him an example of how he deserves to be treated than if he was NT.

If I witnessed my own children behaving how you describe these children behaving I’d be mortified. Further more, these kids can dish out shit but clearly can’t take it. Typical bully behaviour.

I hope your son finds some nicer children to play with next time.

ReadySteadyTwins- there mum was there and I didn’t shout anything at anyone, they were stood right next to my DS and I took his had lead him away and said “you don’t want to play with children who are nasty anyway” I was hardly shouting or being crazy?? they knew exactly what their child was doing and didn’t care so yes I wanted the kids to hear that I knew what they were doing so they would leave my DS alone and stop following him around making a point of being nasty to him! My ds found a different child to play with right away and would have been fine if they would just leave him alone

To be honest I think you leave kids that age to fight there own battles unless it's consistent bullying. This doesn't sound like that to me. I think you over reacted

trunktoes He can’t fight his own battles in this regard because he’s at a social disadvantage to other children because he’s autistic so imo he needs help in that way. He literally won’t fight his own battle he would just put up with it

If you came to me and said that my child was being “nasty” I would try and work with you to sort it out as I would never want my child to be hurtful to another person.

If I heard you doing a PSA about nasty children and telling my child they were nasty, I would think you were fairly incompetent at communicating with adults so had decided to get into a confrontation with some little kids.

What behaviour did you demonstrate to this group? Did you show them that when there’s a problem, they will be name called by a stranger or did you think you were showing them a mature way to resolve conflict?

It always stuns me how some parents complain about little kids on the internet and their parents, while simultaneously modelling poor behaviour themselves.

The correct way to deal with it was to go and speak to their parents.

@trunktoes

To be honest I think you leave kids that age to fight there own battles unless it's consistent bullying. This doesn't sound like that to me. I think you over reacted

Did you bother even reading the post before writing that Your poor lad @Fish

No one else is going to step up for your DC Op.
the saddest thing is when they don’t realise they’re being manipulated. Blessing in disguise, I suppose

@Flsh

ReadySteadyTwins- there mum was there and I didn’t shout anything at anyone, they were stood right next to my DS and I took his had lead him away and said “you don’t want to play with children who are nasty anyway” I was hardly shouting or being crazy?? they knew exactly what their child was doing and didn’t care so yes I wanted the kids to hear that I knew what they were doing so they would leave my DS alone and stop following him around making a point of being nasty to him! My ds found a different child to play with right away and would have been fine if they would just leave him alone

That's a little different from your initial post:

I went to get him to redirect him somewhere else and told him to play with someone else telling him loudly “you don’t play with children who are nasty to people anyway, do you DS?”

The kids said to me “we’re not nasty!” So I told them that they certainly were being nasty

If the mother was there, you don't parent her child in front of her, unless you want the reaction you just got. She almost can't even see the problem that is her child's behaviour, because she's too focused on you now, to see anything else.

You address the mother, not start telling 8yr old children they are nasty. Sorry, but grow up. In the long run, you'll be doing your son a real disservice by the way you portray yourself, even if it's coming from the right place, you just can't go round telling tiny children they are nasty. That's for their parent to address. If the parent doesn't, then leave the situation. Don't stay and endure these dickheads out of principle.

I'm the most open minded person going. Believe me, with my DS, I welcome anyone else that helps him tow the line. I'm not precious.

If I'd seen your scenario today, it would be you I would be...I don't know the right word.... cringing (?) for. Because I'd see the children being unkind. I'd look round, and see the dickhead mother, not bothered that her children are unkind. And I'd shake my head, at the dickhead lot of them. Don't know any better. Never will. Foul.

But you? You're a good parent. And you just had to say something. To famille-au-dickheads. And all that was ever going to achieve, was a set to, with Mother Dickhead.

Is it ok? No. Did you achieve anything though? No. Did you end up getting a talking to from Mother Dickhead? Yes.

Pick your battles. And don't engage with dickheads!

@LolaButt

If you came to me and said that my child was being “nasty” I would try and work with you to sort it out as I would never want my child to be hurtful to another person.

If I heard you doing a PSA about nasty children and telling my child they were nasty, I would think you were fairly incompetent at communicating with adults so had decided to get into a confrontation with some little kids.

What behaviour did you demonstrate to this group? Did you show them that when there’s a problem, they will be name called by a stranger or did you think you were showing them a mature way to resolve conflict?

It always stuns me how some parents complain about little kids on the internet and their parents, while simultaneously modelling poor behaviour themselves.

The correct way to deal with it was to go and speak to their parents.

Amen

8 year old do indeed know what they are doing I hate kids like this.