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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU on my MH apology tour

116 replies

gianttoblerone1 · 01/02/2022 10:12

After an incredibly tough year, something in me snapped last October and I found myself in a depressive episode like I'd never experienced before.

I was signed off of work and I have shared custody of my DC and putting on a front for them was the absolute maximum I could do, the rest of the time I was just in bed all day sobbing.

One of my friends asked in a group WhatsApp when we were all free for dinner. I said that I had a lot on and wouldn't be able to make it and another friend replied that they could work around me and my schedule. I had a knee jerk reaction and left the group. And then I left all of my WhatsApp groups. And deleted all of my social media. A couple of friends text me to ask if I was ok and I didn't answer.

I'm feeling much brighter now and I've begun the mortifying process of going around apologising for my behaviour. I've messaged everybody individually and explained I had a bit of a breakdown and was really unwell and just couldn't face anyone for a while.

It's been about a week and the majority of people haven't acknowledged my message/apology. Those that have responded have been tepid and are still very annoyed with me. I was never unkind or abusive to anyone, I just kind of shut myself off and withdrew completely.

OP posts:

LIZS · 01/02/2022 10:18

I think expecting a lot of people to react may be unrealistic and they may feel awkward that you overshared. It might have better to confide in one or two and gradually resume joining in.

CoffeeAndDryShampoo · 01/02/2022 10:19

Good on you for apologizing OP and being brave enough to reach out, it must have taken a lot. But I don't think you can expect an immediate acceptance of your apology, your friends will obviously be feeling hurt by your actions and may take a will to forgive you. Maybe leave it a few more days and reach out to one of them, ask if they want to go for coffee? Start small and work from there. Glad you are in a better place.

TottersBlankly · 01/02/2022 10:22

Yup. Too much.

I am sorry you went through a rough patch.

However. Pretty much everyone (except the Tories and their cronies) has been having a shit time for almost two years now. No one has time to concentrate much on anyone else’s problems / issues unless they’re a very beloved relative or partner.

Move on.

123walrus · 01/02/2022 10:23

I’m sorry you went through that @gianttoblerone1 and well done for getting through it.

What did you say to your friends when you contacted them recently?

It can be hard on friends when you shut them out. All the advice around mental health is about getting friends to talk, taking them out, showing you care. So when you do all that and someone shuts you off it can be difficult to know what to do and you feel as though it’s cos they don’t like you any more. I think you need to reassure them they did nothing wrong.

allthingsnaice · 01/02/2022 10:24

Oh it's tricky OP!

I'd probably be sympathetic if a friend who'd disappeared then let me know it was due to MH, however I'm not sure I'd just jump back in to being how things were before with them.

Between last October and now is a long time, people might have had things happen in their lives, might have moved on from the friendship, might just be in a different place now than they were then.

If your automatic reaction was just to leave the group and all other groups when someone offered to work around your schedule, without any explanation at the time then they've had several months of not knowing what was going on they might not be ready to just start up again. They might feel awkward, they might not want to continue the friendship, they might be going through their own MH issues, there's really no way to know.

Whatwhywhenwhere · 01/02/2022 10:26

All you can do is apologise, be friendly and go out and about. I quit Facebook, not because of the people on it, who are lovely, but because of the ads, the manipulation, the selling data, the snarky “bitchy people smile to your face then laugh behind your back” type posts etc. I try to visit occasionally for the people but I have to accept that some have moved on. With dignity and be gracious about it. In future, just mute yourself and hide notifications

Pippa12 · 01/02/2022 10:27

Your real and true friends will accept you back no problem, in fact one of my very close friends did exactly this. She left the group and when I messaged why was initially blanked then received some pretty vicious messages, totally out of character. Slightly different in we gave her some space, and probs 8/12weeks later just added her back into the group, told her we loved and missed her and it was never spoken of again. She’d lost her Dad in tragic circumstances a year before, then a few other mishaps… she had a lot to be angry about and I don’t blame her for falling off her perch for abit.

Those that weren’t as close to me I’d probably think fair enough, but wouldn’t make a big deal of it. Likely acknowledge the message (as I’m comfortable talking about mental health) but wouldn’t go over board.

Concentrate on strengthening your close circle, peripheral ‘friends’ add little to your life.

Shodan · 01/02/2022 10:28

I'm very glad you're feeling better. But now is the time to put the work into repairing the relationships you damaged.

Your friends must have been desperately worried about you. It sounds like they were very considerate of your feelings-when you said you had a lot on they said they'd work around you- and your response was to cut them all off, immediately and completely.

You can't just opt out like that when it suits you and then expect to return with no consequences. Friendship is reciprocal- they gave you consideration, you gave them nothing.

I think you're lucky to have received some responses. Give them time, and work hard at it, and you might be even luckier and regain at least some of those friendships.

And if you don't, move on gracefully and treat future friendships with more care.

Sundayrain · 01/02/2022 10:30

I'm struggling to see what you did that was so wrong?! Real friends would surely understand. I suppose if it's people that aren't really close friends then they might feel a bit awkward, but I'm sure that'll pass if you just act normally from now on. I really wouldn't worry, the important thing is that you're feeling better.

Sittingonabench · 01/02/2022 10:33

Sorry you felt so down. I think you did the right thing coming off social media to protect your mental health and in those situations you need to prioritise yourself. I also can understand people being upset. The more people cared about you the more upsetting it is to be cut off without understanding why. It may be a number of your friends are feeling hurt and need time to process what they are feeling before they can empathise with what you were feeling. You are doing all you can now, but would suggest you do it without expectations of how they will react. Glad you’re feeling stronger.

Original poster

gianttoblerone1 · 01/02/2022 10:34

@Sundayrain

I think cutting myself off was my offence and as others have said in the thread, they'd be annoyed too. I did explain that I was having a tough time.

It's not just close friends, it's the mum group chat for my kids and things like that so I'm worried about going back into isolation and it having an impact on my family as well.

I thought it would be too much to just resume social media and post 'as normal' and thought an apology was warranted.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 01/02/2022 10:38

Unfortunately leaving a group without any real explanation ( sorry Guys I’m feeling crap and am taking some time away but thanks for your support) is interpreted as flouncing. It’s hurtful to be the recipient of that.

Continue to reach out personally to people and maybe wait until thou are in person before saying too much. A simple ‘ Jane, I’m so sorry for any hurt I caused you last year, I’m feeling stronger now and would love to catch up. Can you do coffee next Wednesday?’

Glad you are feeling better.

Severntrent · 01/02/2022 10:40

You can't just opt out like that when it suits you and then expect to return with no consequences. Friendship is reciprocal- they gave you consideration, you gave them nothing.
The OP had a mental health crisis. I'm sure that didnt suit her. Given the choice she would have preferred not to I'm sure. Some of the responses here show why people still find it hard to talk about their mental health. It's not over sharing to say you had a bit of a breakdown - it's not something to be ashamed of.
And saying 'we've all had a tough two years' is like saying to someone with long covid 'millions of people have had covid and they're not still suffering'. An awful depressive episode like this is not something a person can control.
OP - you've been honest with people, you've apologised. But you cant control how people react, so try to move forward and rebuild your friendships with those you choose to. And I hope your recovery continues.

Original poster

gianttoblerone1 · 01/02/2022 10:41

@Severntrent

You can't just opt out like that when it suits you and then expect to return with no consequences. Friendship is reciprocal- they gave you consideration, you gave them nothing. The OP had a mental health crisis. I'm sure that didnt suit her. Given the choice she would have preferred not to I'm sure. Some of the responses here show why people still find it hard to talk about their mental health. It's not over sharing to say you had a bit of a breakdown - it's not something to be ashamed of. And saying 'we've all had a tough two years' is like saying to someone with long covid 'millions of people have had covid and they're not still suffering'. An awful depressive episode like this is not something a person can control. OP - you've been honest with people, you've apologised. But you cant control how people react, so try to move forward and rebuild your friendships with those you choose to. And I hope your recovery continues.

This is kind- thank you.

I felt extremely out of control over the past few months and felt as though I was either going to withdraw or self destruct and tell everyone to off and block them.

OP posts:

Onlyhuman123 · 01/02/2022 10:52

@Severntrent

You can't just opt out like that when it suits you and then expect to return with no consequences. Friendship is reciprocal- they gave you consideration, you gave them nothing. The OP had a mental health crisis. I'm sure that didnt suit her. Given the choice she would have preferred not to I'm sure. Some of the responses here show why people still find it hard to talk about their mental health. It's not over sharing to say you had a bit of a breakdown - it's not something to be ashamed of. And saying 'we've all had a tough two years' is like saying to someone with long covid 'millions of people have had covid and they're not still suffering'. An awful depressive episode like this is not something a person can control. OP - you've been honest with people, you've apologised. But you cant control how people react, so try to move forward and rebuild your friendships with those you choose to. And I hope your recovery continues.

^ this is perfectly said.

yes, you can opt out when it suits you, especially when you are having a MH episode. Friendship is reciprocal; whilst you had a period of 'giving nothing' as someone said I'm sure this was a tiny percentage of the overall friendship you have had with them and you gave them 'consideration' in the past too.

Some of these responses are selfish and reflect on society today sadly. No wonder MH still has an awful stigma if people's natural reaction is to say 'serves you right for 'flouncing'. shocking.

BasiliskFace · 01/02/2022 10:53

Just speaking for myself, I can say that I wouldn't be offended or hurt if a friend took themselves off like you did,, although I might well be worried/ concerned about you.

However, it is possible that when you came back I wouldn't reply straight away, as I would feel I would need to word my reply carefully and empathically and that doesn't come naturally to me! It wouldn't mean I was cross with you. Also I might feel that since you had been "away" for a while you wouldn't mind me taking a while to reply to you.

LolaButt · 01/02/2022 10:54

I’m surprised at how many posters are condemning you for your mental health crisis.

If I was the recipient of your apology I would appreciate you taking the time to help me understand. I think that true friends can experience feeling hurt, but ultimately want their friend to be ok.

Original poster

gianttoblerone1 · 01/02/2022 10:54

In some cases it's been about 3 months out of a 20 year friendship. I've never quite 'gone under' like this before.

OP posts:

Lalliella · 01/02/2022 10:55

I’m so sorry this has happened to you OP. I hope your friends will eventually come round and be more understanding. You had a MH crisis which you dealt with as well as you could, people need to try to be empathetic of that. Maybe some of your friends also have problems of their own and are feeling they can’t take on yours just now.

I think you need to be patient, it may take time to build up the friendships again. Concentrate for now on the ones who’ve responded. It may be that some of the others aren’t worth the effort.

You’ve been brave to talk about what you’ve gone through, and to raise awareness of MH issues. Unfortunately the reaction of some of your friends shows why it can still be a taboo subject, which is really sad.

I hope your recovery continues and you get some of your friendships back

Onlyhuman123 · 01/02/2022 10:57

@gianttoblerone1

In some cases it's been about 3 months out of a 20 year friendship. I've never quite 'gone under' like this before.

This makes their non response even bloody worse! I'm so sorry for you.

I hope they never experience a MH episode themselves.

madisonbridges · 01/02/2022 11:23

I've done this. All my friends know I have mental health problems and sometimes I just go off the radar. When I decide I can pick up the pieces again, I get in touch, explain and apologise. They're all lovely about it. Or maybe they like the time off from me! Hehe. True friends will understand because they will know you're a good person and wouldn't do it unless you were really struggling to cope.

Colourmeclear · 01/02/2022 11:47

I'm really sorry to hear you've been unwell. I think if you can having these conversations face to face would be beneficial. So much can read through text etc that isn't or wasn't meant. You might find that being face to face forces the issue in that they would have to talk to you and it might help things feel more normal.

Shodan · 01/02/2022 12:08

@Severntrent I know OP had a mental health crisis, and I'm very glad she's got past it- having had several bouts of depression myself I am aware of the depths that you can go to.

Of course it's ok to admit to having mental health problems. I never said that it wasn't. And it's also great that the OP is now getting back in touch and apologising for her absence.

However, the OP says that she had a knee-jerk reaction, and didn't even respond to the couple of friends who texted her separately to ask if she was ok. I think that, despite her problems, it isn't ok to cut your friends off like that and expect immediate happy responses.

For all the OP knows they may be having their own struggles- and some of those may be emotions brought about by the OP's behaviour. Fear for her safety, anxiety, hurt, anger- it could be any of these or all of them. An acknowledgement of that is appropriate, I think.

FatLabrador · 01/02/2022 12:13

Personally I think your friends are being a bit rubbish if all you did was leave the group, and you have sent them all a personal apology. Maybe these aren't the best friends for you anyway and you need to find some more understanding and considerate people in your life.

dreamingbohemian · 01/02/2022 12:16

I also don't think you did anything so wrong! But what I've learned from MN is that some people are much more demanding of their friendships and take things very personally.

I would give it some more time. Focus on the people who did reply, even if they don't seem very happy with you still. They may just be wary and wanting to see how things go.

Well done on getting better and being brave enough to reach out again!

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