AIBU on my MH apology tour

[gianttoblerone1]

After an incredibly tough year, something in me snapped last October and I found myself in a depressive episode like I'd never experienced before.

I was signed off of work and I have shared custody of my DC and putting on a front for them was the absolute maximum I could do, the rest of the time I was just in bed all day sobbing.

One of my friends asked in a group WhatsApp when we were all free for dinner. I said that I had a lot on and wouldn't be able to make it and another friend replied that they could work around me and my schedule. I had a knee jerk reaction and left the group. And then I left all of my WhatsApp groups. And deleted all of my social media. A couple of friends text me to ask if I was ok and I didn't answer.

I'm feeling much brighter now and I've begun the mortifying process of going around apologising for my behaviour. I've messaged everybody individually and explained I had a bit of a breakdown and was really unwell and just couldn't face anyone for a while.

It's been about a week and the majority of people haven't acknowledged my message/apology. Those that have responded have been tepid and are still very annoyed with me. I was never unkind or abusive to anyone, I just kind of shut myself off and withdrew completely.

I'm really floored by some of the responses here. It seems 'be kind' only goes so far.

It's not like you were having a tantrum. It sounds like a serious MH crisis and I can see why you wanted to reach out and explain to people that you weren't being rude.

Yes, other people will have had things going on in their lives since you dropped off the face of the earth but IMHO I think it should be a gradual build up to something more normal. For example, you reach out, they acknowledge it in some way, you ask after them and how they're getting on. After a bit of back and forth maybe one on one coffee meets and ease back into things. I don't imagine anyone will want to know the gory details, hopefully they'll just be glad you're on the mend.

@gianttoblerone1 I would have genuinely appreciated my friend saying sorry, unfortunately she hasn’t done that and instead lashed out even more (in my opinion) by deleting and blocking me. The withdrawal I can understand completely ,but going out of her way to be as nasty and hurtful as possible I don’t. You made a conscious effort to not do that and that is a huge credit to you. As others have said your friends may well not be feeling great themselves and if you’ve been out of the loop with them you may not be aware of that. Give them some time and maybe they will come around, I hope they do as you sound like a lovely person.

I haven’t read the whole thread but I understand where you were at. This is one of those times in life when you realise who your true friends are. I’m glad you’re feeling better.

I’m also shocked at some of the unsupportive responses OP. I don’t think you have done anything wrong.

I also had a major MH crisis and went off the radar for a year. I then did similar to you and messaged people. They knew I’d been Unwell as my partner had told them.

However, I am still v socially anxious, plus have stopped drinking , so my local gym and mum friends have not really come back to me.

It has taught me who my real friends are -long-standing friendships have sustained and I am grateful for that. I’m not going to worry about my local friends. We chat if we bump into one another and that’s it.

I am pleased you are feeling better - depression is an awful and debilitating illness and it is very sad to see it underplayed and not understood on this thread.

Best of luck OP.

@Sundayrain

I'm struggling to see what you did that was so wrong?! Real friends would surely understand. I suppose if it's people that aren't really close friends then they might feel a bit awkward, but I'm sure that'll pass if you just act normally from now on. I really wouldn't worry, the important thing is that you're feeling better.

Me too.

So you took a step back.

Surely lots of people do that when they are under stress?

I am so sorry OP that people haven't responded with more understanding 🤷‍♀️.

Focus on those that matter most.

I think maybe they were blindsided because you disappeared without any mention of going and them removed yourself from the groups, deleted social media and ignored those who tried to contact you. I reckon they were very worried about you and some were probably very hurt and didn't understand why you did it.

I hope they do come round and understand why you left as you did but ghosting can be very distressing and hurtful so I guess some are still feeling like that.

@ahcmonnow

I think maybe they were blindsided because you disappeared without any mention of going and them removed yourself from the groups, deleted social media and ignored those who tried to contact you. I reckon they were very worried about you and some were probably very hurt and didn't understand why you did it.

I hope they do come round and understand why you left as you did but ghosting can be very distressing and hurtful so I guess some are still feeling like that.

This.

I have MH issues myself, and someone ghosting me can be devastating, and very hard to come back from.

I think ghosting is a terrible thing to do but in my mind now I think 'well, at least I did it to everyone' instead of cutting out one particular person who doesn't have a clue what they've 'done'.

But at the time the thought process was 'I can't do this, I can't have any contact with anyone, I don't think I'm going to survive this'

The lack of responses from your friends and the fact that the ones you’ve received are tepid and obviously annoyed at you, are so at odds with the responses on this thread, that I wonder just how you worded your ‘apology’ and whether you’ve bothered to think or care or show any interest in the mental health of the people you’re messaging expecting instant forgiveness, or was it all just “me me me, ok there, I’ve apologised, now let me back in and let’s pretend my shitty treatment of you all never happened”.

If anyone is going to let you back into their lives after you ghosted them, you have to accept that happening in their own time, not yours.

@BornIn78

The lack of responses from your friends and the fact that the ones you’ve received are tepid and obviously annoyed at you, are so at odds with the responses on this thread, that I wonder just how you worded your ‘apology’ and whether you’ve bothered to think or care or show any interest in the mental health of the people you’re messaging expecting instant forgiveness, or was it all just “me me me, ok there, I’ve apologised, now let me back in and let’s pretend my shitty treatment of you all never happened”.

If anyone is going to let you back into their lives after you ghosted them, you have to accept that happening in their own time, not yours.

I'm not going to post my message to have it picked apart.

It was carefully worded and acknowledged my wrongdoings, explained a bit about the background (but without oversharing) and acknowledged the impact I knew my actions would have had on others.

@gianttoblerone1

I think ghosting is a terrible thing to do but in my mind now I think 'well, at least I did it to everyone' instead of cutting out one particular person who doesn't have a clue what they've 'done'.

But at the time the thought process was 'I can't do this, I can't have any contact with anyone, I don't think I'm going to survive this'

I understand that completely but a lot of those people would not know each other if you left multiple groups. They would not have known it was a widespread cull. Just as you were suffering with your mental health, maybe some of those you left so suddenly were also suffering with theirs and your ghosting hurt them dramatically like @XenoBitch above describes it.

You did what was right for you and what you needed to do but maybe those that were hurt need to do the same and keep you at arms length so they won't be hurt or blindsided again albeit not though any fault of your own

So I see both sides.

OP, you don't need to post what you sent to anyone or justify it on here at all.

It's obviously not a straightforward 'forgive and move on' situation but you acknowledge people have been hurt and being happy and healthy for your family is the most important thing here.

I’m not asking you to post the message on here - just pointing out that the majority of the responses on here go against the majority of the responses you’ve received from your friends, so it possibly wasn’t as carefully worded or as considerate of them and how they might feel about your treatment of them as you think.

I did something similar about 10 years ago after a traumathat I couldn’t discuss at the time. I’m not really close with those people now but we have a cordial relationship. I do have brand new awesome friends who know what I went through and (dare I say!) are better friends for me. We are all open with struggles, successes, joys and pains. They are much deeper relationships.

I think you have done all you can to mend the relationships. If they move on with you is up to them. But you certainly don’t have to be friendless. They are good people in the world.

A lot of people are just not equipped to deal with others' mental health crises, they might not be able to cope with this right now. That's the problem with all the 'share your mental health' stuff, the average person does not know what to say or is too burdened themselves to be able to support other people. Or they are afraid of being over burdened so keep people at arms length.

Sorry you're having this experience. You can quietly focus on yourself and your family and continuing with getting back on track. Well done for getting this far!

Worrying about my friend who had cut herself off from me actually made me unwell. I went through a grief process, it was awful. I cried a lot.

When she eventually resurfaced many months later, I had left the friendship far behind. I still feel sad about it but it has never been the same and I've probably subconsciously kept her at arm's length for my own sake if it happens again. We rarely have contact now.

People aren't robots and it shouldn't be a surprise that they can suffer and change even if not going through their own MH crisis.

I don't really know what the answer is.

I'm quite surprised by some of the messages here and it makes me think that a lot of people have (luckily, to be honest) got no concept of what a real mental health crisis looks like.

My best friend has had a number of them. She has BPD and there have been lots of times when she has cut herself off from people because, rightly or wrongly, she felt she had to. Maybe your friends weren't very close but I have spoken to police and paramedics multiple times when my friend has attempted suicide or serious self harmed or ended up in a dangerous situation when in the midst of a breakdown. I've driven to the hospital in the middle of the night, slept on her sofa, taken care of her pets, spoken to her boss, lots and lots of things to be honest and she's not always been nice to me during those times. But I love her and she would do the same for me if I needed it, I'm 100% sure of that. She has given me more than she has ever taken from me in terms of friendship, even when it's been really hard.

Having seen it with my own eyes, I know that these kind of breakdowns can appear selfish and push people away. So I get that your friends might not understand, especially if you aren't that close, but I do admire you for acknowledging it and apologising and trying to mend the fences.

You can only keep trying and I hope they come round, don't feel embarrassed about over sharing or whatever. I honestly feel that more people need to speak up about these things.

I do find it quite odd people haven't acknowledged your note.

In general I think email and messages are quite blunt tools, and when possible it's best to pick up the phone. So with closer friends anyway, I'd do that. I'm not sure I'd bother with a friendship group that wouldn't let me back in.

Very glad you're feeling better.

@mistermagpie

I'm quite surprised by some of the messages here and it makes me think that a lot of people have (luckily, to be honest) got no concept of what a real mental health crisis looks like.

My best friend has had a number of them. She has BPD and there have been lots of times when she has cut herself off from people because, rightly or wrongly, she felt she had to. Maybe your friends weren't very close but I have spoken to police and paramedics multiple times when my friend has attempted suicide or serious self harmed or ended up in a dangerous situation when in the midst of a breakdown. I've driven to the hospital in the middle of the night, slept on her sofa, taken care of her pets, spoken to her boss, lots and lots of things to be honest and she's not always been nice to me during those times. But I love her and she would do the same for me if I needed it, I'm 100% sure of that. She has given me more than she has ever taken from me in terms of friendship, even when it's been really hard.

Having seen it with my own eyes, I know that these kind of breakdowns can appear selfish and push people away. So I get that your friends might not understand, especially if you aren't that close, but I do admire you for acknowledging it and apologising and trying to mend the fences.

You can only keep trying and I hope they come round, don't feel embarrassed about over sharing or whatever. I honestly feel that more people need to speak up about these things.

My best friend also has BPD. I've had to drive to hers at 3am, clean her house when she was physically unable to get out of bed, involve social work because we needed support with taking care of her children.

It isn't pretty and it isn't something that someone can simply 'snap out of'. Behaviour during a crisis can be selfish but they're just trying to survive. I've done it many times for my friend and I'll do it as much as she needs to. I couldn't bear if anything happened to her.

And yes, she's open with me but to others she just drops out of contact when she's having a bad episode.

Between last October and now is a long time, people might have had things happen in their lives, might have moved on from the friendship

What kind of lame arse "friendship" can't survive a 3 month period of quiet?

If you can completely forget and "move on" / leave far behind" a friend after 3 months then they were never a real friend in the first place.

There are some fucking weird attitudes to friendship on this site. There was another thread today with a poster saying she had completely cut off a newly bereaved friend for not sending a thank you text in response to a condolence card after his mum died.

Who the fuck expects a thank you text for a condolence card let alone cuts someone off for being "rude" by not sending one?

That's not what friendship looks like.

@judyf86

You have totally had the same experience as me. I'm sorry to say it like this, but I'm thankful my friend doesn't have children because if she did I don't think she would have kept them with her.

I'm not saying that everyone has to go to all these lengths to support a friend, but where is peoples humanity?

OP I recently had an Autistic Shutdown, and had to do something similar. This really is one of those occasions whereby you do find out who your real friends are. You didn't abuse anyone, and anyone who 'didn't see it coming and are feeling bruised at being ghosted' weren't really paying attention.

Yes, I get that it is upsetting for some of the friends. But at the end of the day, if a friend can't accept an apology that you basically had a breakdown, then they aren't worth worrying about xx

@mistermagpie @judyf86

I have BPD, and have had friends like yourself stick around despite how awful I have been. People like you are rare though. I have had people cut me off when I was in crisis, but then they also had their own MH issues and they were protecting themselves.

[quote mistermagpie]@judyf86

You have totally had the same experience as me. I'm sorry to say it like this, but I'm thankful my friend doesn't have children because if she did I don't think she would have kept them with her.

I'm not saying that everyone has to go to all these lengths to support a friend, but where is peoples humanity?

[/quote]
Yes, I recognise that we do go above and beyond. I posted here before that after a MH crisis I stayed with her and slept in her bed while she hung onto me sobbing all night. The response was 'I can't believe you're going to cheat on your husband with this friend'

Not everyone gets it and I've been told by many people to cut ties as it does cause me a lot of stress but when she's well she's the best person I've ever known and I'm lucky to have her in my life.