AIBU on my MH apology tour

[gianttoblerone1]

After an incredibly tough year, something in me snapped last October and I found myself in a depressive episode like I'd never experienced before.

I was signed off of work and I have shared custody of my DC and putting on a front for them was the absolute maximum I could do, the rest of the time I was just in bed all day sobbing.

One of my friends asked in a group WhatsApp when we were all free for dinner. I said that I had a lot on and wouldn't be able to make it and another friend replied that they could work around me and my schedule. I had a knee jerk reaction and left the group. And then I left all of my WhatsApp groups. And deleted all of my social media. A couple of friends text me to ask if I was ok and I didn't answer.

I'm feeling much brighter now and I've begun the mortifying process of going around apologising for my behaviour. I've messaged everybody individually and explained I had a bit of a breakdown and was really unwell and just couldn't face anyone for a while.

It's been about a week and the majority of people haven't acknowledged my message/apology. Those that have responded have been tepid and are still very annoyed with me. I was never unkind or abusive to anyone, I just kind of shut myself off and withdrew completely.

If you can completely forget and "move on" / leave far behind" a friend after 3 months then they were never a real friend in the first place.

The OP states very clearly that some of these groups are acquaintances not friends.

I would expect a group of acquaintances to move on tbh.
I would expect more from close friends, but if all OP's friends have reacted in the same way then the problem l more likely to stem from the delivery.

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks

If you can completely forget and "move on" / leave far behind" a friend after 3 months then they were never a real friend in the first place.

The OP states very clearly that some of these groups are acquaintances not friends.

I would expect a group of acquaintances to move on tbh.
I would expect more from close friends, but if all OP's friends have reacted in the same way then the problem l more likely to stem from the delivery.

I have had some responses that looking back I can take as potentially positive.

While I definitely didn't think anyone owed me a gushing 'all is forgiven' they were really difficult messages to send and I think I've been a bit nervous/reading too much into replies.

Hm yes I must admit the consensus that if you're having mental health difficulties then you can just treat others however does upset me. Practice self-care! Take a bath! Cancel your plans! Don’t explain yourself! If your friends can’t give you space and be totally understanding, that means they’re not your friends! They’re toxic!

Which does pretty much encourage you to treat everyone around you like total shit, because your mental health is some sort of Get Out Of Jail Free Card to abuse and neglect people who love you.

But your friends/family/colleagues have feelings. Just because they don’t have clinical anxiety or depression (and hey! maybe they do, you don’t know their life, and many are probably fighting battles you don’t know about, have you actually asked?!), that doesn’t mean that they don't mind being treated badly.

A friend of mine did this to me and I was absolutely devastated, wondering what on earth I'd done wrong. I had tried to be there for her and that was how she repaid me. Now she posts passive aggressive posts on social media about how grateful she is for the people that stuck by her. Fuck that.

Although I'm a generous person so to be fair if she did actually apologise I'd accept it graciously. It would take a while to get back to full friendship though so don't give up and well done for saying sorry.

@draramallama

Between last October and now is a long time, people might have had things happen in their lives, might have moved on from the friendship

What kind of lame arse "friendship" can't survive a 3 month period of quiet?

It sounds like some of the OP's previous friendships were more casual - school run mums etc. They may have any number of valid reasons for not wanting to resume the friendship, including MH troubles of their own. As I said previously, a lot of the 'reach out to others'/'REAL friends will always be there for you' stuff you hear always seems to assume that only one person at any given time will need unconditional ongoing support. People who are either ill themselves or wrapped up in caring for a very close friend or family member probably just haven't got the time or the energy to offer more support to someone they barely know.

@JovialNickname

I'm really glad you're feeling a bit better. However, now that you are, you need to accept that actions have consequences. It's nice that you have apologised, but that doesn't mean that people must now do what you want them to do because you've decided you're feeling a little more OK again. People have their own reasons for doing things, their own problems, and ways of understanding others. Maybe rather than focusing on why they haven't immediately forgiven you and gone back to the friendly dynamic you want, you could focus on them a little bit? Ask them about their lives and their problems. Show your interest in them. Friendships are not just fuck up, ignore them, do what you want + apology on your own timescale = forgiveness. You need to give something back too xx

@JovialNickname

Would you have sent that response if OP had physical health problems? If she broke her leg and couldn't climb stairs, would you expect her to grovel, apologise and understand that a friend who lives in a 3rd floor flat might not want to resume the friendship?

As someone who has both physical disabilities and mental health issues (if you consider Autism a mental health issue)

Whenever I've had a shutdown, I have actually apologised to all but the most unforgiving people in my life.

My last message to a person close to me (who has absolutely drained me) was "I am so sorry you are feeling like this. However, one person in crisis cannot help another person in crisis. I'm seeking help for my problems, and I urge you to do the same"

@writingsonthewall I agree with you, I don’t wish MH problems on anyone and in fact I was extremely ill with depression about 12 years ago, off work for months and just so unwell. During that time my friends checked in on me and I appreciated it and responded with a little update as much as I could manage. We are all individuals and depression will affect us all in different ways. I was grateful for my friends and when I was well enough I resumed my life. But my now ex friend and SD have both behaved very differently and have lashed out at everyone, said and done really awful things that deeply hurt me (and others) and while I understand that their MH has been in a bad place (understatement) they need to understand and appreciate that does affect others and an apology/explanation goes a long way towards the other person healing too. My DM has had MH issues all her life and when I was a small child I was terrified of her and her rages which on occasions included beatings, when as an adult I’ve tried to talk about it her response was “I was ill”. I agree that it can’t always be used as a get out of jail free card. I think people need to stop being so judgemental of those that find it hard to forgive, we are not unsympathetic monsters and our experiences and feelings are no less valid then the friend or relative with MH issues.

OP has just quietly cut herself off while she healed and has reached out now she is feeling better, I genuinely hope her friends respond and she can pick up her life where she left off.

@FatLabrador

Personally I think your friends are being a bit rubbish if all you did was leave the group, and you have sent them all a personal apology. Maybe these aren't the best friends for you anyway and you need to find some more understanding and considerate people in your life.

This

I haven't read the whole thread but I think most neurotypical people just don't 'get' extremely poor mental health and are largely incredibly unsympathetic in my experience.

I find my neurodivergent friends and family - who have often experienced poor mental health themselves - are much, much more understanding and empathetic. I think most of the people I'm close to (all ND) would be very understanding of what you went through and would have continued to offer support even when you withdrew (and would certainly reassure you when you started to feel well again).

The thing many here aren't understanding is that you can't give support to someone who won't take it.

Is lovely if your MH friend still relies on you and/or gives you updates from time to time.

Not all of us are lucky enough to have had that.

I think @DysmalRadius’ post was wise and compassionate.

I can’t add more than that.

@SuspiciousScully

I haven't read the whole thread but I think most neurotypical people just don't 'get' extremely poor mental health and are largely incredibly unsympathetic in my experience.

I find my neurodivergent friends and family - who have often experienced poor mental health themselves - are much, much more understanding and empathetic. I think most of the people I'm close to (all ND) would be very understanding of what you went through and would have continued to offer support even when you withdrew (and would certainly reassure you when you started to feel well again).

So you're saying these friends aren't 'empathetic and understanding' are you then being sympathetic and understanding to see if there's anything behind that, if they are struggling with anything, or is it a blanket "you're not doing what l want when I want it, so you're a bad friend"?

My best friend has just asked to meet after a period of absence during a mental health crisis. I'm debating whether or not to be honest and express what hurt me during that time or just be happy she's 'back'.

But that's my closest friend, not acquaintances and I think I'd generally feel different depending on who it was.

Sorry you went through a tough time, but you basically rejected all their support, ignored your friends when they reached out and now expect them to include you as before?

I think it’s quite rude to leave a WhatsApp group and ignore messages with no explanation at the time.

They might need time to see past this, or maybe they’ve moved on and don’t want to get close in case you disappear again?

Gosh some of the replies here are enough to send anyone back into a depression!

OP, I completely understand and I do exactly the same as you. It's not a case of actively wanting to shut people out, it's that I CANNOT process the social interaction when I'm in the middle of an episode. Every new message that pings up on whatsapp triggers my anxiety and the expectation to reply is just to much for me. For someone who hasn't experienced a mental health crisis, that probably sounds ridiculous, but it's like a computer with too many tabs open - you just completely shut down.

People saying that OP has been 'abusive' to her friends and using MH as an excuse. What if OP couldn't go out because she'd had a cancer diagnosis? Would that be 'abusive'? Or a stroke that had rendered her incapable of typing? Would that be her just using illness as an excuse? We need to start seeing mental health along the same lines as physical health.

OP, for the record I think your friends are not being very understanding but if you do want to continue the friendship then I'd just send some individual messages maybe. Not mentioning anything else about your MH, but just asking how they've been , what's going on in their lives etc.

Hi @gianttoblerone1
I do understand where you are coming from as I had a very public psychotic breakdown in 2012 and certainly found out who my friends were. Im in the same workplace but a different department & job role & even 10 years later there are people around me who know that I have this illness and as a result won't even be my friends on Facebook/ barely say hello to me despite knowing me for that long.

I'm glad you are much better and I think that you should concentrate on those people who have listened to your apology and explanation of being unwell and who have remained friends.
Sometimes it can surprise you who the people are who you can rely on the most, I find.

It's a shame, actually it's disgusting, that your children are not being invited to play dates by these mums who were more casual friends.
I don't have children but I know when I was little we didn't have play dates, we just had best friends at school who invited us round to their place. The mums rarely got involved.
Also we played 'out' and played with local kids or went to brownies or youth club.
Could your children do something like this??

I know its 2022 but there is still a very real stigma and lack of understanding around mental illness especially when it's serious.
I personally don't share my diagnosis even with best friends let alone newer colleagues - although they know I have an illness they don't know what or that I take anti psychotics for example.