AIBU on my MH apology tour

[gianttoblerone1]

After an incredibly tough year, something in me snapped last October and I found myself in a depressive episode like I'd never experienced before.

I was signed off of work and I have shared custody of my DC and putting on a front for them was the absolute maximum I could do, the rest of the time I was just in bed all day sobbing.

One of my friends asked in a group WhatsApp when we were all free for dinner. I said that I had a lot on and wouldn't be able to make it and another friend replied that they could work around me and my schedule. I had a knee jerk reaction and left the group. And then I left all of my WhatsApp groups. And deleted all of my social media. A couple of friends text me to ask if I was ok and I didn't answer.

I'm feeling much brighter now and I've begun the mortifying process of going around apologising for my behaviour. I've messaged everybody individually and explained I had a bit of a breakdown and was really unwell and just couldn't face anyone for a while.

It's been about a week and the majority of people haven't acknowledged my message/apology. Those that have responded have been tepid and are still very annoyed with me. I was never unkind or abusive to anyone, I just kind of shut myself off and withdrew completely.

I'm really glad you're feeling a bit better. However, now that you are, you need to accept that actions have consequences. It's nice that you have apologised, but that doesn't mean that people must now do what you want them to do because you've decided you're feeling a little more OK again. People have their own reasons for doing things, their own problems, and ways of understanding others. Maybe rather than focusing on why they haven't immediately forgiven you and gone back to the friendly dynamic you want, you could focus on them a little bit? Ask them about their lives and their problems. Show your interest in them. Friendships are not just fuck up, ignore them, do what you want + apology on your own timescale = forgiveness. You need to give something back too xx

@FatLabrador

Personally I think your friends are being a bit rubbish if all you did was leave the group, and you have sent them all a personal apology. Maybe these aren't the best friends for you anyway and you need to find some more understanding and considerate people in your life.

It's not even that they were all my closest friends (though many are), it's other parents where my kids socialise with their kids and I'm wondering if I've just ruined everyones social life.

It's tricky.

My gut reaction was to say that I understand (and I do) but with my two closest friends in particular, I'd be devastated if I thought they were ghosting me - especially if I thought I'd done something but didn't know what it was.

All that said, I love the bones of them so I would forgive them pretty immediately if they later explained that they were not in their 'right mind' (sorry - I can't think of a better way to put it).

I'm sorry that you had a hard time. I'm sure you can rebuild these relationships now that you're feeling better. Just bear in mind that they might have been hurt by your disappearance so, even with this new knowledge, they might need a minute to reconcile those feelings with your 'return'. All you can do is your best.

So sorry to hear you've had a rough time of it OP, but really glad you're feeling much brighter.

Well done for admitting it, and taking steps to put yourself out there again, it can't be easy.

I'm honestly astounded at the reaction you've had from a few people here. Admitting you've had a mental health crisis is not "oversharing". It's being open and honest, about a subject that would benefit if more of us did the same.

Sometimes in life you need to take yourself away from others, to protect yourself. There's no shame in that. And no, no one deserves an explanation.

If my friends did this, I'd simply give them the space they need, whilst every so often popping in a "no need to reply, but just to let you know I'm thinking of you" type of message.

Everyone has their own shit. Just because thousands of us have had tough years, doesn't mean we can belittle someone else's journey.

Good luck with this OP. Perhaps your friends are just struggling to think of the "perfect" reply. But otherwise, I wouldn't worry too much about those that didn't reply. I wouldn't explain yourself any more than you already have. I'd simply congratulate myself for taking the first step, and then go back to social media posting etc if that's what you're wanting to do. People will gradually just come back into your life naturally. And the good friends won't hold a grudge! They'll know they've no need to.

It's not even that they were all my closest friends (though many are), it's other parents where my kids socialise with their kids and I'm wondering if I've just ruined everyones social life.
I'm sure you haven't. Some people might be unsure how to reply, some might take ages or never reply to anything. Some might still be a bit hurt. So don't worry too much but just take it slowly and build up the relationships over time.

I'm wondering if I've just ruined everyones social life.
If you carry on thinking like this, you'll drag yourself down another dark hole. It happened. It's not a dreadful thing. You didn't do or say anything rude or inappropriate. I guarantee you, you're putting a lot more weight on this than anyone else. Without meaning to be rude, do you really think that you're that important to the mothers of your kids' friends that if you don't text for a month, they going to be devastated and so decide to block your children from their in children's lives? Your back on the scene now so move on with your life and everyone will fall back in place around you.

Maybe many have not replied as just not sure what to say
When you next see then they may just chat as though nothing has happened
About a year ago i went through a MH crisis and its hard and I went very low contact with some and it wasn't deliberate just when your going through something like that you can't see the wood for the trees
You did nothing wrong

My closest friend is currently going through a dark period. Not hearing from her does worry me but I know any communication I would welcome with open arms. I don't even need an apology, I just want her to focus on getting better.

I think a lot of comments here are quite dismissive and as you said, you didn't mean or try to hurt anyone you just withdrew because that's what you needed to get better.

@Shodan ever had a MH crisis ? As your not thinking logically etc like this
True friends would try and understand at least

Im glad a lot on here aren't my friends as not very sympathetic to your friends or understanding If MH, its not just being a bit down etc

I’m so sorry you were having such a hard time. I think it’s really brave to apologise and explain why you withdrew and I’m sorry your friends haven’t been more understanding.
One of my friends did this a few months ago and removed herself from all chats. I sent a text letting her know if she needed me I was there but in the meantime I would give her space. She messaged a few days ago and said she was much better. No one in our groups have responded negatively she was welcomed back with open arms and we all very happy she is back and is doing better and have told her so. I couldn’t imagine ignoring her that’s so harsh

I think, particularly in the current climate, that some people just have nothing left to give and they are going to prioritise those closest to them rather than acquaintances. A lot of the piety around 'kindness' seems to operate from expectations that only one or two people in any given social circle will need support at any one time whereas it's more and more common for it to be close to the majority of the friendship group who are suffering with depression, anxiety or trauma and the ones who are still coping may not have the time to add another needy person to their 'to do' list.

If your friends don't respond immediately, they may not be angry or hurt, just short on time. Most will probably be happy to resume the friendship - to an extent, the less-close ones might do so sooner as they weren't initially so invested or worried and, if all you need from them is the same level of casual friendship you previously had, it will be fine.

@gianttoblerone1

Wow some of the responses on here are why people suffer in silence. OP you have done so well to find the strength to apologise. You were very unwell.

I have cut off all my friends but for a much longer period, they have all lost interest in me after trying multiple times times to reach me.
I’m toying with the idea of just starting a fresh or going back and apologising to salvage the friendship. Even this decision is overwhelming.

Some people will never know how hard it is to send a text message when you are feeling so low.

It hurts when friends shut you out 😞

And I hesitate to say this but stuff like leaving what's app group and social media can be seen as attention seeking behaviour

As pp said, almost everyone has had a shit time during the pandemic for all sort of different reasons

I am sure they will forgive you though if they were good friends to start with , Give them time x

There is a difference between “having a shit time in the pandemic” and a mental health crisis.

Sorry everyone who’s been at rock bottom during the pandemic, please put your feelings on hold as COVID had cancelled those too.

Also stop attention seeking, jeez can’t you just cheer up.

No one is obligated to accept your apology or to allow you back into their life, regardless of your reasons for behaving the way you did. Accept it and move on.

@Aquamarine1029

No one is obligated to accept your apology or to allow you back into their life, regardless of your reasons for behaving the way you did. Accept it and move on.

This is true.

Unfortunately you'll always get people who will make someone else's mental health crisis all about them. How they feel about it. How it affected them. How hurt they were by it.

These people will hold grudges, but these are not good friends. No loss to your social circle, and to be honest, would be detrimental to your mental health.

Accept who they are, and move on.

Just to clarify, you say the Mums WhatsApp group. Did you tell the WhatsApp groups for your children's classes that you'd had a breakdown? Or just groups of close friends?

I don't understand your friends reactions tbh and I'd hold off on anymore apologies. I think if I were your friend I probably would have made more of an effort to find out what was going on rather than just let you fall off the face of the earth. But I can't say that you coming to me months later and saying I abandoned everything because I had a MH crisis would make me get a nose on.

Maybe you're surrounded by assholes.

Bloody hell, these people aren’t your friends. It would have cost them precisely nothing to message back, ‘Sorry things have been hard, glad you’re back on your feet, we must go for coffee sometime.’

You didn’t do anything wrong, OP. But Mn has taught me that a significant number of people take it as a violent permanent rejection if a friend takes a bit of time out, even by just saying ‘I’m having a hard time and taking some time away from social life’ because they have some spectacularly screwed-up notions of friendship as a web of obligation and permanent contact.

Yeah you see this is why I hate all that mental health rubbish about reaching out and it being good to talk. Look at some of the reactions on here and that's more like what you'll get. My DD18 has developed a severe mental illness over the last 4 years and is currently housebound and entirely dependent on me as her carer. Many people including family have cut us off entirely, and others try to find out what's wrong with her so they can gossip about it. I'm in a couple of support groups for parents with children with this condition and they have all had the same experience.

DD has managed to keep 2 friends who message her but as no one can come in and she can't go out its very hard - I have to keep telling her that when she feels better she'll be able to make new friends but clearly only if she never explains why she's been out of education and not worked for 4+ years - after all, its over-sharing and apparently we've all been through tough times eh?!

I don't really understand your friends reaction really. I would have been very worried about you if you were my friend and very pleased to hear from you again. If you were a very close friend I might have tried to contact your DH or other relative to check you were okay. Some people just view friendship as socialising , not proper support and connection. Maybe your "friends" are like this.
I wouldn't apologise again . If you don't get a response move on.
I wouldn't overthink the school mum group either, these people are acquaintances they won't be that worried about you leaving the group. Perhaps just say to one of them you left by accident, can they re-add you .

Give it time, OP. Meanwhile stay focused on your health, and staying in the good place where you now find yourself.

It can be something just as simple as people being caught up in their own stuff, and not getting around to replying. Or it can be like with a bereavement, where people don't know what to say and say nothing. Which ends up far more hurtful, in the long run. Someone I considered a good friend has not, to this day, acknowledged a bereavement I had some years ago. It hurt, I am okay about it now but I can't forget it either.