AIBU on my MH apology tour

[gianttoblerone1]

After an incredibly tough year, something in me snapped last October and I found myself in a depressive episode like I'd never experienced before.

I was signed off of work and I have shared custody of my DC and putting on a front for them was the absolute maximum I could do, the rest of the time I was just in bed all day sobbing.

One of my friends asked in a group WhatsApp when we were all free for dinner. I said that I had a lot on and wouldn't be able to make it and another friend replied that they could work around me and my schedule. I had a knee jerk reaction and left the group. And then I left all of my WhatsApp groups. And deleted all of my social media. A couple of friends text me to ask if I was ok and I didn't answer.

I'm feeling much brighter now and I've begun the mortifying process of going around apologising for my behaviour. I've messaged everybody individually and explained I had a bit of a breakdown and was really unwell and just couldn't face anyone for a while.

It's been about a week and the majority of people haven't acknowledged my message/apology. Those that have responded have been tepid and are still very annoyed with me. I was never unkind or abusive to anyone, I just kind of shut myself off and withdrew completely.

When I have had a period of just wanting to hide away I have always been able to drop a very short msg to those who care about me, just so they know I am OK.

I appreciate that this might not be possible during your very darkest times, but then I think you need to accept that it will take a bit longer to rebuild the friendship. True friends should understand and be there for you.

I hope you continue to feel better OP.

Glad you're feeling better OP, and I admire your strength in reaching out to your friends. Maybe their response is lukewarm because they're also dealing with their own issues, MH or otherwise, and feel unable to respond/support you at this time?

I'm on the other side - out of one of my friendship groups there is one who has gradually withdrawn and now gone silent. They seemed to be struggling with isolation and COVID more than the rest of us, and we tried to support with Zoom meet ups etc. They've stopped replying to our group chats, but are active in other chats that some of us are on. The rest of the friendship group is taking it as a snub, its very difficult.

If you had done that to me ,it would of massively increased my anxiety,and I would of ( wrongly I know ) assumed I had done something to upset you .
But I have awful mental health,and awful anxiety and my first thought is always that I did something wrong ,or I caused it.
I know these are my problems,and I am trying to work through things ,but yes I would of been very upset to have someone do that to me .
Having said that ..I’ve had a couple of upsets with friends I haven’t caused and before that
I’d of be so pleased to hear from you ,and to know I hadn’t caused it ,I’d just be glad to be friends again .
But now ,I’ve had my fingers burned by friends so many times ,I don’t know ,I’d be weary .

@Tiredcatmum

There is a difference between “having a shit time in the pandemic” and a mental health crisis.

Sorry everyone who’s been at rock bottom during the pandemic, please put your feelings on hold as COVID had cancelled those too.

Also stop attention seeking, jeez can’t you just cheer up.

I can't quite tell how to take this message, whether you're saying I was just 'having a shit time' or whether it's stressing to other posters that a crisis is serious.

I was very close to being sectioned and almost lost my children.

I think there can be an assumption on the part of someone who is struggling that everyone else has their shit together (whether it feels like that in comparison to how tough you're finding it, or simply because you aren't really in an empathetic place, so aren't picking up on other's emotions etc).

Cutting people off when you are struggling may be the right thing to do for your own mental health, but assuming that everyone else involved is in a robust enough mental state to be objective about it and not have their confidence knocked by a sudden rejection might be the root of some problems.

It would be nice if everyone else in your social circle was feeling brilliant about themselves at the time you needed space, but I think it's reasonable to expect that some people were also in a fragile mental state and were hurt by your actions because of what they themselves were going through, especially given there was no explanation at the time.

Not that I'm saying you were wrong to do what you did - it was obviously the only option you felt was open to you at the time - I'm just trying to give the perspective from the other side. Most of the time, I am an awesome friend to those who are having a hard time, but there have been occasions when I was dealing with things in my own life when suddenly being cut off by a friend would have knocked me for six, and then expecting to carry on where we left off would have been a lot harder for me to handle.

@gianttoblerone1 sorry OP I was really annoyed at the other posters in your behalf! Sorry for the misunderstanding! You have done amazing, I’ve been in your shoes.

I don’t think it’s fair to decide who is a “real” friend and who I should not by their reactions to an apology. I have been on the receiving end of this treatment recently by someone I saw as one of my closest friends. I made the effort to try and talk and I would get sporadic replies sometimes months apart. Gradually I just got used to them not being there and stopped bothering because it’s hard when your trying to be supportive and are met with silence. Out of the blue this friend started being absolutely vile to me and I have no idea what I did to deserve it. A few days before my wedding I found I’d been deleted and blocked on social media (DH was left on there) and we now haven’t spoken in a year. DF has clinical depression and is treating everyone badly, this has gone on for the last 3 years and slowly escalated. But if that friend came back now and apologised to me for the way she treated me I have to say I would appreciate it, but would be wary of being close friends again because she really hurt me the way she treated me and there’s no trust there’s anymore that she wouldn’t do it again.

I don’t understand your friends’ reactions tbh and nor do I understand some of the posts on here. I’ve been on the other side of this - a close friend dropped off the radar for about three months a couple of years ago. It happened to coincide with when I had a baby. I was really upset when I didn’t hear from her. When she did finally get in touch and explained what had been happening to her (her husband had left suddenly, she’d had a mental health crisis as a result) I obviously forgave her immediately. I don’t know what sort of person would have blanked her or had the ‘actions have consequences’ attitude some posters on here have.

I think some of the replies here are as unempathetic as your friends.
I completely get this. I have felt this overwhelming sense of 'get me out of here' and the need to just leave WhatsApp groups and social media. I strongly believe that unless someone has experienced this over riding urge they just don't get it.
I know other people have 'had a difficult year' but that doesn't minimise your mental health, or your issues. It certainly doesn't and shouldn't dilute your needs and response. Breakdowns and mental health episodes can be unpredictable, alarming and sometimes hard to explain afterwards.

So whilst I can't advise in terms of your friends, and I can't say there won't be any fall out, I do very much, understand the feelings and your response to them. I have been having counselling and it's helped me immensely. It's also helped me to be less reactive but that's something I have had to work on. Good luck

I have a friend who has done this a few times and where she goes wrong is with not acknowledging what I might have been through in the meantime. It's all "i had a breakdown, it's been tough, I've really been struggling". I have sympathy, i really do. But right now I don't have the capacity to offer support myself NOR do I want to say "actually I'm a f'ing mess myself" as it sounds spiteful (if true). Maybe they're lost in their own woods?

Also if it sort of makes me feel i really should meet up in person, make time for a real conversation - not just a quick fire "missed you (sounds snippy?)" "Sorry to hear that .... (Then what do I say next)" . So it goes left. Then it's suddenly been 3 days and I don't know what to say! I look blankly at my calendar, no idea when I could actually fit "free" time in!

Be patient. It's tough to apologise. Just now try to get back to your usual conversations.

I don’t have any advice but I don’t think YABU. I’ve had friends (not close ones but former colleagues) who have removed themselves from groups in similar circumstances. I’ve reached out to them a couple of times but moved on with my own life when they haven’t responded. If anyone ever messaged with an apology or explanation I would message back kindly and try to help them feel better.

Casual friendships should be kept casual. I think it's a bit much to expect people you barely know i.e. school mums to reply to that message and be supportive. It's too much information and it assumes they have nothing going on their lives. They don't care about your breakdown just like you don't care about their personal lives either. You should kep it breezy and start organising play dates or whatever else you want from them.

Close friends, yes, you can expect more from them. But even then, you need to understand how selfish and self centered depression is by definition. People would have been hurt and confused. People would have had lots going on since as well. So you need to adjust your expectations and work your way slowly, you cannot snap your fingers and expect everything to just fall back into place.

OP, huge sympathy from me, I had a similar experience a couple of years ago after a cancer diagnosis. I fell into a dark hole and could only communicate with my closest friend and blanked everyone else. I'm not proud of it now and I've apologised, several people haven't accepted this. Having mental illness isn't a choice any more than having any other illness, you simply aren't able to 'cheer up' any more than making a broken bone heal faster. Having others react to you in the way you've described is dreadful, I've been there and it just adds insult to injury.

@ForeverSingle881

Casual friendships should be kept casual. I think it's a bit much to expect people you barely know i.e. school mums to reply to that message and be supportive. It's too much information and it assumes they have nothing going on their lives. They don't care about your breakdown just like you don't care about their personal lives either. You should kep it breezy and start organising play dates or whatever else you want from them.

Close friends, yes, you can expect more from them. But even then, you need to understand how selfish and self centered depression is by definition. People would have been hurt and confused. People would have had lots going on since as well. So you need to adjust your expectations and work your way slowly, you cannot snap your fingers and expect everything to just fall back into place.

I don't expect casual friendships to support me but it doesn't look like I'm going to be accepted back into the group. My DC haven't been invited to anything socially since I dropped off the grid. I felt an apology/explanation was necessary and I think in their shoes I'd be more annoyed if someone suddenly shot me a breezy 'lets take the kids swimming this weekend!' message with no acknowledgement.

You cut yourself off to protect yourself. That was the absolute right thing to do. I salute you.

@Tara336

I don’t think it’s fair to decide who is a “real” friend and who I should not by their reactions to an apology. I have been on the receiving end of this treatment recently by someone I saw as one of my closest friends. I made the effort to try and talk and I would get sporadic replies sometimes months apart. Gradually I just got used to them not being there and stopped bothering because it’s hard when your trying to be supportive and are met with silence. Out of the blue this friend started being absolutely vile to me and I have no idea what I did to deserve it. A few days before my wedding I found I’d been deleted and blocked on social media (DH was left on there) and we now haven’t spoken in a year. DF has clinical depression and is treating everyone badly, this has gone on for the last 3 years and slowly escalated. But if that friend came back now and apologised to me for the way she treated me I have to say I would appreciate it, but would be wary of being close friends again because she really hurt me the way she treated me and there’s no trust there’s anymore that she wouldn’t do it again.

I think part of the reason I dropped off the grid is because I felt so awful I thought I was going to snap and be unkind to someone who didn't deserve it. I can't stress enough what a poor state of mind I was in and I think I was either going to withdraw or lash out- and I didn't want to do that.

I also felt the apology was necessary to explain I had deleted all social media incase anybody thought I had just blocked them.

I want to say I'm shocked at some of the replies but unfortunately I'm not

Actions have consequences wow! This is what I tell my 10 year son when he hits his sister! Not an adult who had a break down and was close to being sectioned.. I dispair at the human race..

op I'm glad you're getting back on your feet.. you've sent the apology message.. not much more you can do.. I'm 40 this year and I've decided to cut out the people in my life who don't matter..I was putting too much weight behind half friendships and crap sibling relationships. I have two amazing friends we would support eachother no matter the circumstances. We've had our fair share of mental health problems relationship issues and we all have young children.
I hope you can sort things out with those you were closest too

Cant really understand their reactions to be honest. For a start if I were your friend I'd of been round to find out what was actually going on and check up on you. Mentally well people don't just take themselves away from their whole life.

If this is the way they are reacting to you telling them you have had a mental health crisis perhaps you'd be better putting your energy into new friendships and forget them as they sound shit friends.

Thank you so much to everyone who has been kind and empathetic with their posts. I really appreciate people taking the time to respond

I'm sorry you have been through such a difficult time and am glad you are now feeling up to talking to people.

A few thoughts. First, it's hard to tell people's reactions from text messages. You will likely read your own worries or fears into responses which may be which may have been intended differently. Is this possible? For good friends, I'd try and organise a phone call or meet in person so you can have a proper conversation.

Second, it is true that people do have weird reactions around mental illness, or any kind of illness for that matter, sometimes. Try and focus on any responses that are more constructive and try not to lump all the responses/lack thereof in together. More to do with them than you. Reach out to friends who you know to be more likely to understand.

The third thing is that if you're anxious for a response, it can feel as if people are intentionally delaying responding to you because they are upset with you. As you now know from experience, it can also be because there is something entirely different going on in their lives. So try not to assume they are all upset with you.

I hope you do manage to have some more supportive conversations with friends soon. I would really encourage getting some in person meet ups if you can.

Focus on your children and getting your mental health back on track OP. These bunch of ladies must be lucky enough to never experience a mental breakdown and it sounds like they aren't accepting your apology/expiation and I think it shows you just how supportive they really are. Arranging a lunch and offering to work around someone is alot different to supporting/checking in on someone after they've been almost sectioned - i think they've shown you they only want a superficial friendship involving play dates and lunch days group chats but nothing much deeper. Anyone who would still be offended about a bloody group chat after hearing that you almost lost your kids over your mental health is no good in my book. I wouldn't be telling any of them my business in the future. This is just my opinion.

@StaplesCorner

Yeah you see this is why I hate all that mental health rubbish about reaching out and it being good to talk. Look at some of the reactions on here and that's more like what you'll get. My DD18 has developed a severe mental illness over the last 4 years and is currently housebound and entirely dependent on me as her carer. Many people including family have cut us off entirely, and others try to find out what's wrong with her so they can gossip about it. I'm in a couple of support groups for parents with children with this condition and they have all had the same experience.

DD has managed to keep 2 friends who message her but as no one can come in and she can't go out its very hard - I have to keep telling her that when she feels better she'll be able to make new friends but clearly only if she never explains why she's been out of education and not worked for 4+ years - after all, its over-sharing and apparently we've all been through tough times eh?!

This has been my experience when I struggled with my mental health too sadly. We are told to reach out but the responses here show exactly why I no longer do. I hope your DD continues to recover @StaplesCorner and life improves for you both.

@gianttoblerone1 sending you 💐💐💐 too, I hope life gets better for you too.

@Justkeepon

Focus on your children and getting your mental health back on track OP. These bunch of ladies must be lucky enough to never experience a mental breakdown and it sounds like they aren't accepting your apology/expiation and I think it shows you just how supportive they really are. Arranging a lunch and offering to work around someone is alot different to supporting/checking in on someone after they've been almost sectioned - i think they've shown you they only want a superficial friendship involving play dates and lunch days group chats but nothing much deeper. Anyone who would still be offended about a bloody group chat after hearing that you almost lost your kids over your mental health is no good in my book. I wouldn't be telling any of them my business in the future. This is just my opinion.

Part of the worry is to do with my children as I was acquaintances with their friends parents and since I shut everyone out they haven't been invited to anything socially.

@StaplesCorner

Yeah you see this is why I hate all that mental health rubbish about reaching out and it being good to talk. Look at some of the reactions on here and that's more like what you'll get. My DD18 has developed a severe mental illness over the last 4 years and is currently housebound and entirely dependent on me as her carer. Many people including family have cut us off entirely, and others try to find out what's wrong with her so they can gossip about it. I'm in a couple of support groups for parents with children with this condition and they have all had the same experience.

DD has managed to keep 2 friends who message her but as no one can come in and she can't go out its very hard - I have to keep telling her that when she feels better she'll be able to make new friends but clearly only if she never explains why she's been out of education and not worked for 4+ years - after all, its over-sharing and apparently we've all been through tough times eh?!

Sorry I missed this post earlier.

It's so hard and so many people don't understand. It seems public campaigns just focus on mild depression and anxiety and there's a general attitude that you can be helped with gentle walks and warm baths.

I'm so sorry you were feeling so low @gianttoblerone1 I've been there myself and I wanted to do what you did and I admit I have ignored a fair few messages from friends. I get that everyone has had a difficult couple of years but I don't think that should stop your friends from being supportive.

If a friend had done this to me I would be glad that they were getting things back on track (or trying to) and thankful that they are reaching out to tell me. Please be kind to yourself and don't feel bad about what you had to do to start feeling better.

I personally don't think you did anything wrong at all. Hope you're okay xxx