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AIBU?

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Original poster

I devastated by my 26 yr old daughters tattoos

999 replies

Choclover27 · 31/01/2022 23:19

Yup. I hate them. Today she showed me her new ‘sleeve’. It’s big black bold and bloody awful. She already has numerous tattoos and they’re getting bigger each time. She seems addicted. I don’t like tattoos. I don’t have to like them. That’s my choice. I’ve cried over it/her in private ! I’ve read up about parents reactions to our kids tattoos. And we are supposed to be happy that they are expressing themselves. But I’m struggling with that. I was ok with a few, ok with all the piercings… but the sleeve is too far. In my opinion. Does anyone else feel like me or am I the bitch mother from hell?

OP posts:
Hadharra · 01/02/2022 07:17

[quote TamTamChew]@Waxonwaxoff0

It’s not about what it says about anyone. It’s the reality. You don’t have to want a relationship with those men or want one and neither do any young women with tattoos, but the point is that is what the majority (from what I’ve seen when they feel comfortable about talking in front of you) of young men are saying to each other. And to be honest even though I’m sure a lot are lovely young women with a lot of Tatts are more likely to be “alternative” or into certain lifestyles more than others.

You may not be aware that this (ime) is the prevailing view of young men because you would never let them talk that way around you and would shut it down - but (ime) it is and you not liking it isn’t going to stop them seeing those heavily tattooed young women that way - and if those young women aren’t alternative then they may miss out on having a healthy relationship because they want to get tattooed for whatever reason (saw it on Instagram?).[/quote]
You do realise that there's no such thing as a healthy relationship with a man who thinks it's OK to refer to a woman as something to be used regardless of her body, right? I think you've missed the issue here. If the 'majority' of men are referring to tattooed women as play toys, that's not the fault of tattooed women. That's the fault of whoever raised these misogynists. You are allowed to hate tattoos all you like. It doesn't give you the right to objectify any woman.

Hadharra · 01/02/2022 07:19

@TrickyD

I worked in a prison too but would have had my arse handed to me if I used the term inmate (completely misses point of thread!)

That's interesting, Hadharra. My prison years were 1980-86 and 'inmate' was the term universally used in those days. How are they referred to now?

Just prisoners. G4S have staff wearing badges with their first names on (most refuse). Its changed a lot. You'd be shocked! Sounded much better handled in the 80s...
Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/02/2022 07:19

[quote TamTamChew]@Waxonwaxoff0

It’s not about what it says about anyone. It’s the reality. You don’t have to want a relationship with those men or want one and neither do any young women with tattoos, but the point is that is what the majority (from what I’ve seen when they feel comfortable about talking in front of you) of young men are saying to each other. And to be honest even though I’m sure a lot are lovely young women with a lot of Tatts are more likely to be “alternative” or into certain lifestyles more than others.

You may not be aware that this (ime) is the prevailing view of young men because you would never let them talk that way around you and would shut it down - but (ime) it is and you not liking it isn’t going to stop them seeing those heavily tattooed young women that way - and if those young women aren’t alternative then they may miss out on having a healthy relationship because they want to get tattooed for whatever reason (saw it on Instagram?).[/quote]
If they miss out on a healthy relationship it will be because those men are misogynistic.

You are saying we should be teaching our daughters to keep their bodies a certain way to be desirable to men, rather than teaching our sons not to be so disgustingly sexist. You are part of the problem.

sHREDDIES19 · 01/02/2022 07:19

If my dd did that in the future I’m pretty sure I’d feel the same. I’d obviously try my best not to express my concern/disappointment but it would be there. The thing is how can anyone still love a tattoo they thought was a perfect reflection of them after say 20, 30 or 40 years? All my friends who had tattoos in their youth have now either had them lasered, covered with something else or cover them completely out of embarrassment. Something that looks cool, artistic and expressive now will almost certainly not be perceived in the same way in the future. But I guess it’s done now no going back with a sleeve. I feel for you.

Neolara · 01/02/2022 07:21

Op - I would feel exactly the same as you.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/02/2022 07:22

Also, a man who calls women "easy" is not someone who will have a healthy relationship and if I had a daughter I would tell her to avoid men like that, regardless of tattoos. Even if I had no tattoos at all I would never date a man who called a woman "easy".

daisyjgrey · 01/02/2022 07:22

Why oh why did I open this cesspool thread. When will I learn!

Giraffesandbottoms · 01/02/2022 07:22

Tattoos are a bit of a personality substitute and I always think of them as (particularly when done in this extreme way) something insecure people do for this very reason. My feelings are just best on personal experience - for me it’s the same as when people dye their hair bright pink etc, except they are permanent. I would also be disappointed and that’s your prerogative. I don’t get them at all they are so hideous!

TamTamChew · 01/02/2022 07:23

@Hadharra

Sure I could get all mad at them and then what? They would still think and act on those things, they would just know they weren’t able to express how they really felt around me. And what then? Then I wouldn’t have any idea what young men were actually thinking and would be in denial about them finding Tattos desirable for a woman they want as a real love.

They’re allowed to have their views I’m not going to get all matronly and feminist on their arses and tell them otherwise. All that will result in is then not being open around me.

To be fair to them of the three most heavily tattooed young women I know - one is a former stripper, one is said to do only fans stuff, and the other had a kid with a guy who was also heavily tattooed and alternative (as is she) and is now a single mother because they split shortly after her dd was born.
So it’s not like they’re pulling their opinion out of thin air.

fourandtwo · 01/02/2022 07:23

I struggle to see how it impacts your life? I don’t have tattoos but my sister does - loads of them. I don’t like them but it’s not my body so I don’t care? YABU

mathioso · 01/02/2022 07:24

You obviously aren't a "bitch mother from hell" but crying over your daughter's decisions on how she looks is very OTT, so yes YABU. You don't need to love them, but saying you're "devastated" and crying about it is weird and unnecessary.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/02/2022 07:24

@JammyDevil

I'd be devastated too. Particularly because it is so big and prominent. Having a tattoo does send a message. You may want the message to be 'I love tattoos' or 'I'm edgy and here's how I express it' or any other number of things. If you have them then you have to accept that other people will have their own, ingrained, perception of people who have tattoos. You are completely unable to decide what that perception will be and none of them are wrong because a perception belongs to the beholder. Traditionally they are something which belonged to the working class, you didn't get 'gentry' or 'naice' people with tattoos so for a lot of people that perception of them being a bit common is still deeply ingrained.

I have friends who have them and friends who would never in a million years have them. I agree with whoever said, I don't know why but I like them less on women, somehow (and without being able to justify why I feel this) I feel it looks a bit trashy. That's just my opinion and it wouldn't stop me from being friends with someone or hiring them as an employee (it would for some employers though I suspect).

So OP, despite the hard time you are getting on here, I understand what you're saying and why you are so upset. It's funny how people aren't allowed to express a dislike of something without being absolute arseholes but the tattoo lovers are allowed to call names and rubbish people with different views to theirs. Pot, kettle etc.

People can say they dislike them all they want, but it is not OK to call someone "common", "easy", "trashy", etc and I will call that out. Disliking tattoos is fine, character assassinations of people who have them is not.
Nickwinkle · 01/02/2022 07:24

Yabu. You have every right to be disappointed that she got them but you need to learn to let go. It's her body FFS.

I'm covered, including a sleeve, and honestly I feel naked without them. It doesn't feel like my skin and I feel more beautiful seeing the tattoos there.

I went through the phase of my mum being disappointed in me for getting them but she's finally embraced it and enjoys seeing what new work I've had done.

She didn't get the tattoos to rebel against you or make you hate her. She got them because it makes her feel happy and more comfortable in her skin. You may think it's already perfect because you made it but you need to remember it's hers.

I don't see my tattoos as something I'll regret. I see them as an extension of me.

Thomasina79 · 01/02/2022 07:24

My child, now adult, had a piercing and nearly died from septicaemia

DaisyWaldron · 01/02/2022 07:25

@whiteworldgettingwhiter

Bloody hell, some people have forgotten how to talk politely...

Op, I can understand how you're feeling. I wouldn't like that either. I would also worry about how other people perceived my dd and that she was limiting the careers she could have.

But others are right, and you know this - it's her body and she has the right to decorate it. But you don't have to like it. Try to look past the tats to see your lovely dd.

Is she happy? Or is she getting more dramatic tats as a way of acting something out or expressing something negative?

What careers is she ruling out? At 26, she's probably already set in a career path, and I can't think of many jobs you can't do with a sleeve. She might have to wear long sleeves at work, either always or during meetings etc, but that's fairly standard business wear anyway.
TamTamChew · 01/02/2022 07:25

@Waxonwaxoff0

I don’t think we can force young men to be more attracted to heavily tattooed women. I mean that’s a little much.

Hightemp · 01/02/2022 07:26

@OmgIThinkILikeYou

At 26 I don't really think it's any of your business what she does with her body. You don't have to like them but whether it's 'too far' is not for you to decide.
It might not be any of OP business but she is entitled to an opinion . I would feel the same.
FrankGrillosWrist · 01/02/2022 07:26

Ah you either love or hate the old slag badge. I find some of them to be quite impressive, compared to what they used to be. Although I’ve gone through phases of liking & hating them, especially when you see an old bird with a really bad one. I’ve got 3 tiny markings after RT, they said I could have them removed but I wouldn’t be without them or want to waste NHS funds.

MrsMagenta · 01/02/2022 07:27

Only basing this on my own experience.

In my 20’s I was desperate to get a tattoo, I loved so many designs but could never quite make a decision, kept changing my mind. Never had any in the end.

Now in my 50’s and looking back at those designs I thought I would have loved, now make me cringe thinking about them and I’m so relieved I never went ahead. They’re so permanent.

So I do feel for you, OP. You don’t show you’re upset in front of your DD and it’s perfectly fine to feel the way you do. I only hope your DD doesn’t have regrets later in life but ultimately it’s her choice.

On an end note, I do wonder how all of those neck tattoos that seem to be popular now, will hold up in the OAP years.

Hadharra · 01/02/2022 07:27

[quote TamTamChew]@Hadharra

Sure I could get all mad at them and then what? They would still think and act on those things, they would just know they weren’t able to express how they really felt around me. And what then? Then I wouldn’t have any idea what young men were actually thinking and would be in denial about them finding Tattos desirable for a woman they want as a real love.

They’re allowed to have their views I’m not going to get all matronly and feminist on their arses and tell them otherwise. All that will result in is then not being open around me.

To be fair to them of the three most heavily tattooed young women I know - one is a former stripper, one is said to do only fans stuff, and the other had a kid with a guy who was also heavily tattooed and alternative (as is she) and is now a single mother because they split shortly after her dd was born.
So it’s not like they’re pulling their opinion out of thin air.[/quote]
Wow. You've topped it off with an example of a single mother. Don't know whether to laugh at you or cry for you.

Roselilly36 · 01/02/2022 07:27

I don’t like tattoos at all, I can understand your disappointment, but it’s her choice. I can’t image my adult sons would bother about tattoos but if they did, it wouldn’t upset me.

FloatyBoaty · 01/02/2022 07:28

Holy fuck.

The internalised sexism just on the first page of this thread is incredible….

coldfeetmama · 01/02/2022 07:28

@Tippexy

What has she gone through in her life, when she was younger? The tattoos and piercings are a way of expressing/rejecting/coming to terms with her feelings about whatever it was. Support her to talk about it?
What a load of rubbish

Tattoos are very popular , can be seen as very creative and are totally an individual choice

All of my children have at least one
One has a full sleeve and an opposite leg

Their skin , their choice

THisbackwithavengeance · 01/02/2022 07:28

I don't like them; that's my age (early 50s) and I don't think everyone can carry them off. I privately think they can look a bit rough on women unless your whole look is punk or Goth. And whilst men like whatsisnsme from Who Dares Wins can get away with full sleeves, some men also look ridiculous, as if they're trying too hard. But that's my private opinion.

But if my DCs wanted to get tattoos, I wouldn't be unduly fussed. It's their body and a lot of people have tattoos now. It's not a big deal. As to what happens when they're 70: well, there will be a lot of 70 year olds in the same boat and I'm sure that tattoo removal in 40 or 50 years time will be much more effective than now.

Actually that's a whole new thread, imagining style and beauty techniques in 50 years....

Waxonwaxoff0 · 01/02/2022 07:29

[quote TamTamChew]@Waxonwaxoff0

I don’t think we can force young men to be more attracted to heavily tattooed women. I mean that’s a little much.[/quote]
I'm not suggesting that. But calling them "easy" is unacceptable.