AIBU to be angry at my DH for talking to his mother

[wayovermyhead]

My DH has been going through court to have access in our home for his elder children. We have 2 children together. Atm he sees his oldest 2 in his mothers house, staying there every weekend while I'm at home with the youngest 2. This is court ordered This is because his exw is adamant she doesnt want me around her children. This all started when i was pregnant and i feel she cannot move on from the fact i have 2 children with my DH as she always thought her children would be his only biological children. Our children have only seen each other once in 2 years.

She has spent the last 18 months lying and exaggerating "evidence" about me and making new and wild accusations at every hearing, however some information she is using is coming directly from DH mother who still rings her regularly for chats. This includes medical information about my pnd and teenage depression, and the fact i was severely ill during pregnancy with spd and hg sickness, stating i wasnt well enough to have them here and that my DH was practically my carer bizarrely. She also used when i changed jobs, when my children started nursery etc and my eldest childs medical problems.

Last week i was admitted urgently to hospital with a severe infection and was on iv antibiotics for 3 days. I was extremely ill and am still not better.

I asked my DP not tell his mother anything other than i was ok but rather keep the rest private, as i feel she will just pass this on to his ex who will then twist it in court somehow. I feel my MIL is very controlling and domineering and i refuse to have a relationship with her, but my DH loves her understandably and is with her all weekend and finds in difficult in knowing what he can say and what he cant.

I found out yesterday that he has told her everything and now i feel i cannot trust him and feel betrayed. He cannot see that his mothers want to know about whats going on is not as important as my right to privacy.

AIBU to be furious?

Your Husband is sabotaging your children's access their siblings. Ask to see the court papers, he seems as if he could be telling his Mother things on purpose?

You are a participant, so tell him you need to see the documents.

His ex and your "d"h are the problem here.
And your mil

So basically its time to say goodbye to them all. You only have one life . Is this really the way you wanna spend it from now on....

It's a big red flag that he hasn't allowed you to read the court statements/ hearing remarks etc. He's allowed to share the information with you for your support and guidance as long as you don't share the information with anyone else.

He's absolutely bullshitting you op.

Either he's a massive people pleaser who has no will to stand up to his ex and mums crazy demands, despite the negative impact on you and your children.

Or he's an abuser and there's a good reason he has to have supervised contact.

Either way he's a bloody liar. Tell him to show you a copy of this interim court order. When he bleats that it's "sealed to participants" you say "as it apparently focuses on my medical history, I'm a participant. Go and get it, right now."

You will then get some obvious bullshit about how he can't find it, I'm guessing.

You have to stick to your guns here and find the truth. If he's a risk to his older children, your own children could also be at risk. At the very least they are missing out on a relationship with their siblings.

When there is this much gaslighting and deflecting going on, you might now be more curious to find out whether there are any domestic abuse and sexual assault allegations concerning your partner.

Also, if he is keeping you and your DC's lives separate from his other DC 's lives have you thought he might be be with her behind your back at weekends and they are both lying to you to make out you are the problem as a deflective tactic?

I think you are going to be very upset indeed when you find out the truth.

Get your own legal advice and even ring the police on their non emergency line and ask whether what he is saying makes any sense and ask for support in getting full disclosure.

Lady you need a lawyer to tell you some truths. Not you and DH. Just you.

I don't think you're lying, but surely someone is here.

This set up doesn't sound like it's via a court order at all. It sounds like his ex stamping her feet and getting her way, and him simply capitulating (and that's the best case scenario).
I don't think your DP is being 100% truthful with you

Those in the know

If there has been SS involvement in the past but completely thrown as no basis to the allegation at all - is it still recorded by Cafcass?

Surely OP in a normal set-up you snd your DH would be sitting down and poring over each communication from the court together?

If you can't afford a solicitor, what about legal aid?

I think you plural really need some legal advice and direction.

And obviously the MIL likes having her son and the kids every weekend. So she's actively trying to prolong that and stop him being with you.

My guess is that DH goes around to his DM’s and complains about how stressful his life is with OP and kids, and he gets to sleep in and has his meals brought to him while she runs around spoiling his babies and doing all the ACTUAL parenting and pretending she’s got another crack at it all. They both have a lot invested in keeping things as they are.

@LethargicActress

You can’t police his conversations with his own mum. There’s no need for him to share medical detail, but your illness will have an effect on him too and it’s very controlling to expect him not to talk about that with family.

This.

If you were a threat to the children then social services would be involved with you if HE were a threat to his other children surely social services would STILL be involved with you and your children? Because children don't become less vulnerable just because there mom is different

@Justilou1

My guess is that DH goes around to his DM’s and complains about how stressful his life is with OP and kids, and he gets to sleep in and has his meals brought to him while she runs around spoiling his babies and doing all the ACTUAL parenting and pretending she’s got another crack at it all. They both have a lot invested in keeping things as they are.

Yep and I bet they are only there every other week, a lovely rest for him and avoiding childcare at home. He probably goes out to the pub.

Would be interesting to pop into his local near his mum’s place on those weekends @wayovermyhead…. Wonder if he’s there with the ex?