AIBU to be angry at my DH for talking to his mother

[wayovermyhead]

My DH has been going through court to have access in our home for his elder children. We have 2 children together. Atm he sees his oldest 2 in his mothers house, staying there every weekend while I'm at home with the youngest 2. This is court ordered This is because his exw is adamant she doesnt want me around her children. This all started when i was pregnant and i feel she cannot move on from the fact i have 2 children with my DH as she always thought her children would be his only biological children. Our children have only seen each other once in 2 years.

She has spent the last 18 months lying and exaggerating "evidence" about me and making new and wild accusations at every hearing, however some information she is using is coming directly from DH mother who still rings her regularly for chats. This includes medical information about my pnd and teenage depression, and the fact i was severely ill during pregnancy with spd and hg sickness, stating i wasnt well enough to have them here and that my DH was practically my carer bizarrely. She also used when i changed jobs, when my children started nursery etc and my eldest childs medical problems.

Last week i was admitted urgently to hospital with a severe infection and was on iv antibiotics for 3 days. I was extremely ill and am still not better.

I asked my DP not tell his mother anything other than i was ok but rather keep the rest private, as i feel she will just pass this on to his ex who will then twist it in court somehow. I feel my MIL is very controlling and domineering and i refuse to have a relationship with her, but my DH loves her understandably and is with her all weekend and finds in difficult in knowing what he can say and what he cant.

I found out yesterday that he has told her everything and now i feel i cannot trust him and feel betrayed. He cannot see that his mothers want to know about whats going on is not as important as my right to privacy.

AIBU to be furious?

Does sound odd… surely if ex wife was being “
Malicious “ they’d know?

It must be common, jealous partners/ ex partners trying to make things tricky, so courts surely must be aware of this?

@wayovermyhead

No i havent seen the court order as it is still hasnt reached a final hearing. He sees them every friday night until Saturday night. No im not being investigated. I initially gave my consent for third party checks and they came back no concerns found. However exw will not accept this and has asked to question the cafcass officer. Everytime something happens its another 6 months before the next hearing. These are siblings who havent seen each other for 2 years.

If it hasn’t reached the final hearing then there is no court order! Your dh is lying to you.

You’re not, but he is. I’d guess he’s stil seeing her every weekend too.

Here's my take

Ex wife is imposing the 'rule' that the children cannot stay with you and your DC and your DH is playing to her tune to keep the peace.

I don't believe it's court ordered.

I've been in a similar situation whereby now ex OH's - ex - demanded he see their kids at her house only, because she didn't want them around me. I was the OW, regrettably and unknowingly, as he had fed me a load of bullshit which I took at face value.

Sorry but it sounds as though he is trying to look after his children and can't win between you, his ex and his mother.

If you're not well enough to look after your children, then he has to, and this will have an impact on his other children. So people need to know.

Get over yourself.

I get the impression he's seeing them there to avoid rocking the boat any further.

@Randomitemsonthedoorstep

Here's my take

Ex wife is imposing the 'rule' that the children cannot stay with you and your DC and your DH is playing to her tune to keep the peace.

I don't believe it's court ordered.

I've been in a similar situation whereby now ex OH's - ex - demanded he see their kids at her house only, because she didn't want them around me. I was the OW, regrettably and unknowingly, as he had fed me a load of bullshit which I took at face value.

I should have rtft before posting. :)

Its not contact without you, its contact supervised from what you've said.

The overnight thing, strikes me as a red herring tbh.

As for the health stuff, even if you had a medical problem, there is no right for anyone to see it. Precisely because you have a right to privacy. That combined with your husband actively TELLING your MIL your private medical information, suggests something is wildly amiss. If there was a problem it would have to be something flagged with the police.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he has to have supervised contact due to his previous behaviour and he uses it as an excuse to go out on the lash instead.

Its in the best interests of the kids to be seeing their siblings so the fact thats not part of this, really does make me wonder whats going on.

@HailAdrian

I get the impression he's seeing them there to avoid rocking the boat any further.

Me too!

Sorry but this is nonsense.

I have not only been through a nearly 2 year court case but I work for childrens services so know all about the court process.

IF what you are saying is true then I’m sorry but your “DH” is lying to you and that’s it!

You sound horribly controlling. Your DH isnt allowed to communicate with his mother because you don't like his ex being friends with his mother. I agree there is more to this.

@Viviennemary

You sound horribly controlling. Your DH isnt allowed to communicate with his mother because you don't like his ex being friends with his mother. I agree there is more to this.

Would you be happy for your DH to share your private medical information with his mother and ex wife then?

If the court documents are sealed to the participants & he is a participant, why can't he show you the docs?

@Cherrysoup

So your dh is self sabotaging by telling his dm everything, who then passes it on to his ex? Does he not understand that he is doing this to himself? Why the fuck has he told his dm about your teenage medical history? I’d be furious if mine did similar.

I thought this, it makes no sense for him to do this

@Viviennemary oh do shut dear. Bloody sick of seeing your moronic comments in threads. She's not fucking controlling to not want her personal information. Stop making the effort to be contrary on everything here, it's tiresome and of no use to anyone.

OP I'm sorry you came here for support and got called a liar or worse. Your situation sounds unbearable and YANBU. I find the attitude on MN disgusting at times.

@Viviennemary

You sound horribly controlling. Your DH isnt allowed to communicate with his mother because you don't like his ex being friends with his mother. I agree there is more to this.

She is not being controlling because she doesn't want other people knowing her medical details, she's not saying he can't communicate with his mother. She said she doesn't want her knowing her medical details, which is everyone's right.

Is your DH definitely staying at his mums each weekend? He's not off somewhere else and using the looking after the kids as an excuse? I don't understand how he hasn't taken your two for the occasional weekend at his mums too and even if it's a bit small surely he can have them all together for at least a couple of hours at the weekend?

@Merryoldgoat

The thing is OP, the people on here have experience of the system and this just doesn’t make sense. So there are two possibilities:

1. Your DH isn’t telling you the truth
2. You aren’t telling us the truth

If she withdrew contact after uninterrupted contact with no issue the court wouldn’t order no contact with you present without compelling reason.

There is no reason you can’t see the court reports and documents. If your husband is a Litigant in Person then all of the documents will be going to him. There is no reason you can’t see them.

In the absence of a court order or direction during a hearing there is no reason he can’t bring them home.

So what’s missing? What is she accusing you of?

On a separate point, yes your DH should keep your health to himself.

I am often cried down when I say this but getting involved with someone where you don’t have a reasonable and trustworthy relationship with them is just courting disaster.

This. My comment may not have read well but I meant he can show you the documents AND you can go along to solicitors appointments - not that you had to do the latter to read the former.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk outside the forum (although from my username you can tell I'm Scottish so the laws slightly differ if you're down south)

I don't think you are lying, but I think you have been fed some bs. Please listen to this
In 12 years - I have come across this less than a handful of times
And it’s ALWAYS been justified
The courts do this as a last resort
Now I might have watched too many made for TV films, but I don't think its about you at all, I think he's a bad'un and his ex will only allow visits with him under strict conditions. He is keeping you away because he doesn't want you to find out the truth. If I were you I would contact the police under Sarah's Law (is that the right one?) and find out if there is anything you should know.

Hi op, this whole situation is one big mess and I personally think it's all down to your husband. I think the ex wife has told him her demands and hes constantly jumping to them. I think she set out her stall when you were first pregnant and he agreed to keep the peace. Now times have moved on and he's dug himself into a massive hole.

You are his wife yet never seen any legal documents. Of course you can see and read them but more importantly why isn't he discussing them/reading them with you. Wouldn't these be available online?

His mother shouldn't be getting told your medical history and why hasn't your husband pulled his mum up for giving private information to his ex wife? Especially when they are in court. Not just about you but his life also.

Have you ever been to any of these hearings with him?

Personal I don't think that the court is involved in any way at all.

Why does your dh need to stay over?
Why can't he take you and your children?
Why is it every weekend?
The list of whys is endless in this situation and I am not sure why you haven't questioned all this before.

Honestly op I think you are so far in the woods that you can't see the trees. Everything you know is what he's told you, your anger to the ex wife and mother in law is because what hes told you.

Please open your eyes. He is putting everyone else before you but making it all your fault.

OP you are being lied to. Tell your DH to show you all the court documents. Also contact a solicitor to ask your rights to see the docs , they will usually give an initial consultation for free and you can tell your DH you know your legal rights because you’ve had legal advice , I guarantee you he will shut himself when he realises he’s been caught out!
You need to stand up for yourself and your DC flowers 💐

I do not know anything about family law, but as you appear to be the reason (according to court reports) that siblings are not allowed to be together, are you entitled/justified in seeking to find out what the orders or interim orders say about your role in all this?

I would have thought that under GDPR that you have a right to access any information being held about you.

Have you tried to find out yourself, rather than taking the word of your husband and his "sealed to participant" order? Ask for a copy of any reports mentioning you from husband, if he refuses, ask the courts to provide it maybe?

Be proactive, you will not get any answers here and I am sure you know that.

You need to talk to your DH, something doesn't make sense.

Something doesn't sound right here. A court orders the father of 4, that he spends every weekend with 2, who can't meet the other 2?

You say the court has to keep investigating new allegations about you? Have you actually been at a court hearing , OR actually seen any official printed copy of the Court Order?

Or, is this all hearsay you get second hand from DH and his mother?

@Viviennemary

You sound horribly controlling. Your DH isnt allowed to communicate with his mother because you don't like his ex being friends with his mother. I agree there is more to this.

That's a really unfair and shitty thing to say. Op hasn't said her H can't speak to his mother. She has said she doesn't want H speaking to his mother about her and her medical history as the mother keeps relaying to the Ex. I agree with a lot of posters you have an H problem not an Ex W or MIL problem.

You need to have this out with your H to get the truth of the situation as he seems to be the one painting you in a bad light. If he respected you as his wife and your privacy he wouldn't be using you to create drama, which he and his mother seem to thrive on.