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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry at my DH for talking to his mother

141 replies

wayovermyhead · 31/01/2022 16:23

My DH has been going through court to have access in our home for his elder children. We have 2 children together. Atm he sees his oldest 2 in his mothers house, staying there every weekend while I'm at home with the youngest 2. This is court ordered This is because his exw is adamant she doesnt want me around her children. This all started when i was pregnant and i feel she cannot move on from the fact i have 2 children with my DH as she always thought her children would be his only biological children. Our children have only seen each other once in 2 years.

She has spent the last 18 months lying and exaggerating "evidence" about me and making new and wild accusations at every hearing, however some information she is using is coming directly from DH mother who still rings her regularly for chats. This includes medical information about my pnd and teenage depression, and the fact i was severely ill during pregnancy with spd and hg sickness, stating i wasnt well enough to have them here and that my DH was practically my carer bizarrely. She also used when i changed jobs, when my children started nursery etc and my eldest childs medical problems.

Last week i was admitted urgently to hospital with a severe infection and was on iv antibiotics for 3 days. I was extremely ill and am still not better.

I asked my DP not tell his mother anything other than i was ok but rather keep the rest private, as i feel she will just pass this on to his ex who will then twist it in court somehow. I feel my MIL is very controlling and domineering and i refuse to have a relationship with her, but my DH loves her understandably and is with her all weekend and finds in difficult in knowing what he can say and what he cant.

I found out yesterday that he has told her everything and now i feel i cannot trust him and feel betrayed. He cannot see that his mothers want to know about whats going on is not as important as my right to privacy.

AIBU to be furious?

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 31/01/2022 18:14

Why can't your youngest dc go and stay at mil's some weekends?

arethereanyleftatall · 31/01/2022 18:16

'It's sealed to the participants.'

You what now?

whitebarn · 31/01/2022 18:18

Something does sound very odd here

Notoschool · 31/01/2022 18:20

@wayovermyhead

Its true i can only go on what he tells me,as i am not allowed to see anything as its sealed to the participants. I can see how frustrated he is at having to do this every week though. I was with my husband over 3 years when the children were coming over every week and ex w was happy . It was only when we got married and i became pregnant that she had an issue. I know he isnt lying because she even rang me and asked for my consultants number as she wanted to talk to her herself as she didnt believe what she was being told. I think this would have ended a lot sooner if we could have afforded a solicitor. I am definitely not lying why would i?
Why would she ask for your consultants number . They are not allowed to tell her anything 🙄
Katyppp · 31/01/2022 18:22

I haven't read the whole tread but feel I have to say something to those posters implying that there will be a reason why the court would only allow supervised contact.
It' about 17years ago now, but my dh was only allowed supervised contact (at a contact centre!) and the reason was 'to reassure the mother' and 'maternal anxiety'.
This was after two CAFCAS reports and a report by te contact centre found that his ex's allegations were unfounded and malicious.
This was I believe before PAS was taken seriously, but the court could not or would not get firm when his ex refused to allow court-ordered contact so the judge deemed his ex might allow it if it was at a contact centre.
She didn't and when she burst into the centre demanding to 'rescue' the children that was the final straw for the centre.
So please, don't assume there is always a bad reason why unsupervised contact is ordered.

Trinity69 · 31/01/2022 18:22

At best, you're not being given all of the information....worst case...he's blatantly lying to you. If you are allegedly the reason he can't have his older children at your house, you're entitled to see court orders relating to that....it would be about you....

HadaVerde · 31/01/2022 18:24

Are you sure he’s at his mothers every weekend.

JSL52 · 31/01/2022 18:26

No court order so why can't he bring them home ?

BitcherOfBlakiven · 31/01/2022 18:27

When I was with ExDP, his ex managed to get court to agree that their DD wouldn’t be around me until the background checks had been done. She had a barrister, he didn’t, so that’s how it went.

4 months later, checks done, nothing found, court order changed.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 31/01/2022 18:28

And it was a further 2 years until the final order was done thanks to the pandemic.

Hapoydayz · 31/01/2022 18:28

You are a participant if the reason is due to you therefore why can't you read the order?

ThistlesAndUnicorns · 31/01/2022 18:29

She is not entitled to know ANYTHING about your medical history (nor is anyone!) and while it's true they can be the only two in family court - as it's closed - you can absolutely see any paper work IF he decides to show you and can go along to his solicitors appointments with him. I did this for years and I was actually a contact with his solicitor so they could get in touch with me directly as he was busy during office hours. I'm really sorry but I have to agree that someone is lying to you. And I completely understand your upset at him sharing your private health issues without your consent. We might not be getting the full story but you really need to think about this. Have you been ok with this all this time and that's why you can't spend a weekend together or too scared to speak up?

BitcherOfBlakiven · 31/01/2022 18:30

@Hapoydayz

You are a participant if the reason is due to you therefore why can't you read the order?
Yep, absolutely she can. I did. The lies she told me about me were unbelievable, no idea where she got them from. Didn’t take long for CAFCASS and the background checks to find me a totally normal boring person and stop her bullshit.

So something is definitely amiss here.

ReadySteadyTwins · 31/01/2022 18:30

@arethereanyleftatall

'It's sealed to the participants.'

You what now?

Yes, what do you mean by this????

He gets a copy of stuff in the post and he's hiding it from you. Because that's what happens. It's emailed or posted. He's choosing not to show you.

Nanny0gg · 31/01/2022 18:36

@wayovermyhead

The reason he is seeing his children at his mothers is because his exw keeps making new allegations every hearing and the court keep having to investigate it. He can take the children anywhere but our house but where else would he go overnight?
And why is it every week?

He gets no weekends with his family and she gets none with her children

What happens in school holidays?

Bonnealle · 31/01/2022 18:41

But why can’t your children go with him to his mother’s? There can’t be a court order saying your children can’t see his surely?!

NettleTea · 31/01/2022 18:43

seems wierd if they are older, so presumably at school, that he has every weekend.

and Ive heard men having to have supervised because THEY are the problem, but never because the ex has suddenly decided, after 3 years of it being fine, that the new wife is a problem.

something is not adding up here and I suspect you are not being given the full picture OP

Cherrysoup · 31/01/2022 18:51

So your dh is self sabotaging by telling his dm everything, who then passes it on to his ex? Does he not understand that he is doing this to himself? Why the fuck has he told his dm about your teenage medical history? I’d be furious if mine did similar.

WonderfulYou · 31/01/2022 18:53

I find it very hard to believe he cannot bring his own children to his own house unless he is a danger to them but then you would have SS involvement for the children you share.

Either you are lying or being lied to.

Are you sure he’s going to his mums on the weekend and not back to the ex’s?

ThirdElephant · 31/01/2022 18:55

Tell your husband to show you the interim court order.

ReadySteadyTwins · 31/01/2022 18:55

@ThirdElephant

Tell your husband to show you the interim court order.
This.
Merryoldgoat · 31/01/2022 18:56

The thing is OP, the people on here have experience of the system and this just doesn’t make sense. So there are two possibilities:

  1. Your DH isn’t telling you the truth
  2. You aren’t telling us the truth

If she withdrew contact after uninterrupted contact with no issue the court wouldn’t order no contact with you present without compelling reason.

There is no reason you can’t see the court reports and documents. If your husband is a Litigant in Person then all of the documents will be going to him. There is no reason you can’t see them.

In the absence of a court order or direction during a hearing there is no reason he can’t bring them home.

So what’s missing? What is she accusing you of?

On a separate point, yes your DH should keep your health to himself.

I am often cried down when I say this but getting involved with someone where you don’t have a reasonable and trustworthy relationship with them is just courting disaster.

Nat6999 · 31/01/2022 18:56

I went through the same thing with my late dp's dc, I wasn't allowed to see them until the final order was made. His ex even showed off because I parked up the road from where he saw his dc to pick him up after he had contact, her behaviour after the final hearing was disgusting, shouting outside the court that she would never accept the fact I was allowed to see dc even though I gad passed everything with Caffcass & had an excellent report.

DowntonCrabby · 31/01/2022 18:57

You have a DH problem, a big one!

Merryoldgoat · 31/01/2022 18:57

reasonable and trustworthy relationships WITH THEIR PARENTS