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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be angry at my DH for talking to his mother

141 replies

wayovermyhead · 31/01/2022 16:23

My DH has been going through court to have access in our home for his elder children. We have 2 children together. Atm he sees his oldest 2 in his mothers house, staying there every weekend while I'm at home with the youngest 2. This is court ordered This is because his exw is adamant she doesnt want me around her children. This all started when i was pregnant and i feel she cannot move on from the fact i have 2 children with my DH as she always thought her children would be his only biological children. Our children have only seen each other once in 2 years.

She has spent the last 18 months lying and exaggerating "evidence" about me and making new and wild accusations at every hearing, however some information she is using is coming directly from DH mother who still rings her regularly for chats. This includes medical information about my pnd and teenage depression, and the fact i was severely ill during pregnancy with spd and hg sickness, stating i wasnt well enough to have them here and that my DH was practically my carer bizarrely. She also used when i changed jobs, when my children started nursery etc and my eldest childs medical problems.

Last week i was admitted urgently to hospital with a severe infection and was on iv antibiotics for 3 days. I was extremely ill and am still not better.

I asked my DP not tell his mother anything other than i was ok but rather keep the rest private, as i feel she will just pass this on to his ex who will then twist it in court somehow. I feel my MIL is very controlling and domineering and i refuse to have a relationship with her, but my DH loves her understandably and is with her all weekend and finds in difficult in knowing what he can say and what he cant.

I found out yesterday that he has told her everything and now i feel i cannot trust him and feel betrayed. He cannot see that his mothers want to know about whats going on is not as important as my right to privacy.

AIBU to be furious?

OP posts:
ChristmasPlanning · 31/01/2022 20:06

Your DH should not share medical or other personal information about you without your consent.

However I agree it sounds unusual about where he stays etc. are you sure you are getting the whole truth?

GrandDuchessRomanov · 31/01/2022 20:10

Well if it was me and I was being cited as the reason that he couldn't have the kids at my home I would bloody well want to know what was being said about me!

Why on earth haven't you demanded to see what is being alleged about you?

LonelyInAutumn · 31/01/2022 20:25

@Viviennemary

You sound horribly controlling. Your DH isnt allowed to communicate with his mother because you don't like his ex being friends with his mother. I agree there is more to this.
@Viviennemary controlling because she doesn't want ALL of her medical history shared with people? Even down to issues from her teenage years? Right. Okay 🙄
Viviennemary · 31/01/2022 20:31

Sorry I thought OP said he wasn't allowed to talk to his mother. That is what the thread title implies.

Randomitemsonthedoorstep · 31/01/2022 20:36

If you want to find out if he's lying, OP, tell him you're making contact with cafcass / a solicitor yourself.

Tell him that you can't believe that you, a respectable mother of two whom also happens to be the mother of children's siblings, is being tarred by the courts as the reason your DH can't have his children at his home.

Watch his reaction, it will speak volumes.

Theunamedcat · 31/01/2022 20:37

@Viviennemary

Sorry I thought OP said he wasn't allowed to talk to his mother. That is what the thread title implies.
If you read more than the thread title you will see where you went wrong
angelikacpickles · 31/01/2022 20:42

@Viviennemary

Sorry I thought OP said he wasn't allowed to talk to his mother. That is what the thread title implies.
Perhaps try reading a little more than the title before you start accusing people of being "horribly controlling".
Hapoydayz · 31/01/2022 20:50

The courts would do anything almost to maintain a sibling relationship, so why doesn't he take yours to meet the others?

ToykotoLosAngeles · 31/01/2022 20:54

@Viviennemary

Sorry I thought OP said he wasn't allowed to talk to his mother. That is what the thread title implies.
Uh huh. And yet you read enough to know this was involving his ex. Who is not in the title. So determined to disagree with OP that you skim read it, maybe?
Randomitemsonthedoorstep · 31/01/2022 20:54

@Hapoydayz

The courts would do anything almost to maintain a sibling relationship, so why doesn't he take yours to meet the others?
My money's on it being because his ex has made her position clear in that she not the courts doesn't want OP's children around hers.

That's another thing you can do to catch him out OP, tell him to take your DC with him next contact weekend because after all its you who's the problem right? Not the children Wink

fuckoffjournalists · 31/01/2022 20:57

The only reason the court would order contact like this for those reasons , I.e his x dosen’t like you is if he agreed to those conditions.

GettingItOutThere · 31/01/2022 21:06

is he really at his mums?

i believe he is lying to you, you should contact the police and do a sarahs law (is that the correct one?!?).

i call bull shit - someone is lying here and i think its your DH

Wrongkindofovercoat · 31/01/2022 21:08

Let me get this straight , for three years the children came to your house without any problems, then you got pregnant and now DH only see's them every weekend at his Mothers house, even though there is no actual court order that stipulates this ? And he never takes your younger children with him, is that your decision or his ?

RedWingBoots · 31/01/2022 21:09

@fuckoffjournalists

The only reason the court would order contact like this for those reasons , I.e his x dosen’t like you is if he agreed to those conditions.
They wouldn't include the OPs children in it.

There is also case law which means the courts want siblings including half-siblings to have relationships with one another.

The father can facilitate this for all his children alone without any of their mothers involvement.

BertramLacey · 31/01/2022 21:15

Its true i can only go on what he tells me,as i am not allowed to see anything as its sealed to the participants.

How convenient. Except, since he's a participant he could read it and then pass it along to you. Personally, I wouldn't believe anything he says. He is between a rock and hard place, trying to keep you, the mother of his other children, and his own mother happy. However, that is a problem of his own making and he should deal with it better.

altmember · 31/01/2022 21:19

@wayovermyhead

The reason he is seeing his children at his mothers is because his exw keeps making new allegations every hearing and the court keep having to investigate it. He can take the children anywhere but our house but where else would he go overnight?
Whole situation sounds completely bonkers, unless you're missing something significant out.

You should go along to the next court hearing and point out that you aren't the psycho child molesting wicked step mother that his ex is painting you as. Doesn't seem right that she can throw all these wild allegations about and you not be there to defend yourself.

Isthatthebestyoucando · 31/01/2022 21:24

He cannot see that his mothers want to know about whats going on is not as important as my right to privacy.

It all comes down to this for me, I can't respect a crowd pleaser, I take it when you asked him not to speak about your health he agreed? As anything else other than "okay" sounds unreasonable.
Things like that stay with me, if my partner can't agree something with me and stick to it then his loyalty is not with us.

tkwal · 31/01/2022 21:39

I think we need you to clarify a few things
1 are you currently pregnant ?

2.Did your DH leave his ex for you ?

  1. Have you seen the contact order ?
  1. Do you have an assigned social worker ? And if so do you see them regularly ?
  1. Is your husband afraid afraid of his ex? Is she holding something over him that he really doesn't want you to know ?
  2. Your dh stays with his Mum every weekend ?Really? What about your family time ?

My honest opinion is that he's gaslighting you about the court order and spending weekends with what is effectively his other family. The info about you is going directly to his ex from him and it suits his purposes for you both to be at daggers drawn.Otherwise this is really not adding up to me as you have put it so far, at the very least ss would usually like to see all the kids having some kind of contact , they are family after all.

Justilou1 · 31/01/2022 21:56

I’m wondering if he really does want custody of his kids or if he’s spinning you a line, @wayovermyhead. That or his IQ is seriously low. As people are saying, this is utterly fishy. As the person who is constantly being investigated, surely you have cause to read the complaints against you. Stop being so passive and start looking at protecting your own legal and financial rights and those of your child.

Santahasjoinedww · 31/01/2022 22:01

Surely if court so much as suspected op of anything her own dc's safety would be of concern? Your dh and his dm are bullshitting you to a mammoth degree op.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 31/01/2022 22:09

This makes no sense whatsoever. I suspect your dh is lying to you.

Ozanj · 31/01/2022 22:18

OP I have only heard of five cases like this in my entire 25 year childcare career. Social services only do this in highly exceptional circumstances - usually due to (convicted) violence / sexual assult. On one occasion the man went to jail for viewing indecent images of kids but he was allowed access to two of his kids at his Mum’s because they were a different gender. Be incredibly wary about this - do a Sarah’s Law check if possible.

jeaux90 · 31/01/2022 22:18

Definitely something not right here.

ADisgruntledPelican · 31/01/2022 22:26

As PPs have said the conversations about your medical history are the least of your problems. Someone is lying. If it's not you then it's your DH and you being riled up constantly at his mum and his evil ex is distracting you from getting answers to the questions you need ie why is your DH having supervised contact with his DCs every weekend? And why is he lying about you not being able to know any of the information from the courts?

me4real · 31/01/2022 22:38

If what he's doing in telling people your medical details is part of what's stopping him having his other DCs visit him at home, then he's really, really thick isn't he @wayovermyhead ? He's sabotaging things for himself further.

But I agree that you need to see the papers showing what's happened in court/been decided and why.