Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Violence from son involving husband ***Title edited by MNHQ on behalf of OP***

112 replies

Thehop · 31/01/2022 07:51

Good morning

We’ve been having a lot of physical trouble with my 11 year old lately. He’s a big lad. Wears medium size mens clothes. If I ask him to do anything he pins me to walls, punches me, calls me a bitch and a slag etc.

He did it again this morning and my husband broke him away from me. He was hitting my husband and spitting at him and my husband leaned his head towards him as he held his hands and shouted. It was very intimidating, designed to be so…..all we wanted him to do was pack his school bag and get his shoes on.

He’s lurched towards my husband and they’ve knocked heads.

My husband is devastated. Says he’s assaulted him and has rung the police to report this himself. I’m waiting to speak to my ex husband.

Does anyone know what will happen now please?

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 31/01/2022 07:52

Your son is assulting you. Spitting at you and punching you?? Does he have additional needs?? This is not normal behavior.

icecreamcrackers · 31/01/2022 07:54

From what you describe it sounds like he put his forehead in his head ( nor hitting) and your son head butted him by moving back first that's not assault as I see it have your husband but from your child. Are you getting any from of help at all?

TabithaTittlemouse · 31/01/2022 07:54

I don’t think your husband will be done for assault, it sounds like he intervened and accidentally bumped heads rather than your husband head butting him.

Are you getting any support for your sons behaviour?

GeneLovesJezebel · 31/01/2022 07:55

Who have you asked for help prior to this incident ?
Have school reported any behavioural problems ?
Has he ever been assessed for any SEN/behaviour?

LawnFever · 31/01/2022 07:55

How long has this behaviour from your son by going on? It sounds very stressful, his violent behaviour isn’t normal, what support are you getting?

AnotherMansCause · 31/01/2022 07:55

Was your DH hurting your son or was he just restraining him? If the latter it's reasonable as defending you.

Porcupineintherough · 31/01/2022 07:57

That wasnt assault, that was an accident. But if you have any sense you will report your ds to the police for assault and they will make it clear to him that he will be in deep shit if it happens again.

3scape · 31/01/2022 07:57

Has your husband only been upset when he's been hurt? To be frank if the go to method of dealing with your son's violence is more violence i can't see that it's going to achieve anything.
They're both violent. I'd get out of that environment.

Santahasjoinedww · 31/01/2022 07:58

Take this as a wake up call to get outside authorities involved op. Before he kills you. I rang the police on my own ds when he tried to throw me down the stairs heavily pregnant.
Yabu to let your dh take any blame here.

KaptainKaveman · 31/01/2022 08:01

Your ds is violently assaulting you and is above the age of criminal responsibility. This is the more pressing issue IMO [sad}

erinaceus · 31/01/2022 08:03

Is your husband your son's father? I ask because you mention an ex-husband.

Who reported whom?

Mumdiva99 · 31/01/2022 08:03

Your sons behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable.

He was spitting and hitting your husband and your husband didn't react. That sounds quite restrained. But....you, Dad, your husband all need to be on the same page about what's acceptable behaviour and the consequences. Good luck with the police.

TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo · 31/01/2022 08:04

We had a very similar situation a few years ago when DS was a little older. He would shout and swear at me, fight me, punch me, kick me, he broke my finger once by grabbing and twisting.
DH intervened and restrained him.

A few days later DS tried to take an overdose and whilst in hospital told a doctor what his step dad had done.

It was the best thing we could have done. Social services did a home visit and we explained what had been going on. We got access to early help, a Barbados key worker to help with anger management and crucially started the pathway to camhs where he was eventually diagnosed as ASD and ADHD.

It turns out SHE is actually trans and had been coping with that alongside the undiagnosed ASD and ADHD.

If Social Services do get involved then treat it as a positive intervention that can help to restore your family back to peace.

Also be kind to your DH, it doesn't sound like he did it on purpose. My DH almost walked while we were going through this, he couldn't cope. He also self reported to the police and was incredibly depressed. Like he had just given in. He needs support just as you do.

Sending lots of love and un-MNetty hugs. I know just how hard it is to be where you are right now. If it helps at all she is now 17 and only flies off the handle once a month or so.

Feel free to PM me if you ever need a friendly ear.

GeneLovesJezebel · 31/01/2022 08:06

Is there any chance your son is doing drugs ?
My son was smoking weed and we didn’t know.

phishy · 31/01/2022 08:08

You need to call CAMHS. Your son physically assaulting you is not ok.

It sounds like your husband was defending you.

How long have you been with him and what is his relationship like with your son?

girlmom21 · 31/01/2022 08:12

Your husband hasn't assaulted your son. Make that very, very clear to your ex. If the police ask for a witness statement, make it very clear to them too.

However, now that there's police involvement maybe your son can get the help he needs?

velvet24 · 31/01/2022 08:15

Your son is the one assaulting, this is very worrying behaviour at 11, get the police involved it may shock the 11 year old a bit and help to turn things around before its too late?

cptartapp · 31/01/2022 08:20

Is your DH his biological father?
Just wondering why your son is so angry at life.

Kanaloa · 31/01/2022 08:20

To be honest I think intervention might be a blessing at this point. For an 11 year old to have gone wrong in this way and violence to be an everyday occurrence in the family home is not normal at all and it sounds like you can’t manage it and need some sort of support. If I was you I’d be telling everyone I could - gp/social services/school, and trying to force some support.

Your husband didn’t really help the situation by pinning the boy to the wall and screaming at him. Not likely to de-escalate the situation, is it? Your son sounds utterly out of control and I would presume some sort of special needs or severe behavioural issue for his behaviour to be this uncontrolled.

Original poster
Thehop · 31/01/2022 08:22

Thank you all so much.

@TheDoveFromAboveCooCoo that’s so so helpful, actually. Thank you, I will take you up on that and really appreciate it.

We have no involmwnt no. We’ve had a calm few weeks and I thought things were getting better.

He was amazing at primary, the sweetest boy. The settling into year 7 has been hell. Like nicer we are to hold the worse he is. This morning he woke up in a bad love so o told him to have a quick shower and I’d take him to the sandwich shop for breakfast on the way to school. This escalated because we wanted him to stop kicking his little sisters toys and pack a school bag.

Sorry no. My husband is my sons stepdad. I’ve just spoken to his dad, my ex. He’s on holiday until Friday and is very angry. Seems with me more than anything. Lots of “I offered to take him and sort him out months ago and you said it was fine, now look where you are” anger. Sadly, a report like this means I’m not allowed to do my job with my husband in the house so he now has to move out today so I can work from tomorrow. Long term the ramifications are huge.

My older son has written down what he saw and it reads the same as me. Husband leaned in with his arm across some to restrain and son leaned forward to shout and they bumped in the middle.

Son saying the same thing actually, and that stepdad was holding him back. Husband rang the police because he’s in bits that he might have done something.

Feel very sorry for them both. What a mess.

Thank you all.

OP posts:
DePfeffoff · 31/01/2022 08:26

I don't understand why you describe this as your husband assaulting your son. He intervened to protect you, which is not an assault, and then if anything your son head butted him.

candycane222 · 31/01/2022 08:32

I think op is unlikely to have been calm enough to word her OP veey painstakingly. She wanted to know what the consequences would be if police thought that dh had actually assaulted ds, im guessing.

girlmom21 · 31/01/2022 08:34

@Thehop can't you just tell the police it's all been a misunderstanding?

Why did your husband immediately call the police if he knew the ramifications for your job were huge?

Hankunamatata · 31/01/2022 08:36

I really hope something comes and helps you all. No mum deserves to be punched and abused by her son.

KurtWilde · 31/01/2022 08:42

[quote girlmom21]@Thehop can't you just tell the police it's all been a misunderstanding?

Why did your husband immediately call the police if he knew the ramifications for your job were huge? [/quote]
With this being an 11yo, it wouldn't look great if they suddenly pulled the report. In fact it might work against them. Being up front now means nothing can come back to bite them further down the line, even though what happened clearly wasn't deliberate there's no saying it might not get construed differently along the way.

At least this way they might actually get the intervention they desperately need.

Swipe left for the next trending thread