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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Violence from son involving husband ***Title edited by MNHQ on behalf of OP***

112 replies

Thehop · 31/01/2022 07:51

Good morning

We’ve been having a lot of physical trouble with my 11 year old lately. He’s a big lad. Wears medium size mens clothes. If I ask him to do anything he pins me to walls, punches me, calls me a bitch and a slag etc.

He did it again this morning and my husband broke him away from me. He was hitting my husband and spitting at him and my husband leaned his head towards him as he held his hands and shouted. It was very intimidating, designed to be so…..all we wanted him to do was pack his school bag and get his shoes on.

He’s lurched towards my husband and they’ve knocked heads.

My husband is devastated. Says he’s assaulted him and has rung the police to report this himself. I’m waiting to speak to my ex husband.

Does anyone know what will happen now please?

OP posts:
JellyAndFruit · 31/01/2022 10:14

I don't think it's relevant if so far he has been lovely to your mindees. Your home is not adequately risk assessed. Younve said he has little contact but that must mean some. He can not be in the house with the tots.
I certainly hope the parents are fully aware what your son is like. He could easily snap and turn round at one of the tots.
It is quite scary to think people trust you with their children. Goes to show how careful you need to be with just who you trust to take care of your children. Please safeguard the children you take care of.

TheFrogAndHen · 31/01/2022 10:15

And not only children who live there but children she is minding who's parents are trusting leaving their young children in her care in this home.

It's absolutely not okay. Don't know what the answer is tbh but I'd be immediately pulling my child from OPs care if I found out how her son behaves towards her in the home I'm leaving my child in.

TheFrogAndHen · 31/01/2022 10:16

@JellyAndFruit

I don't think it's relevant if so far he has been lovely to your mindees. Your home is not adequately risk assessed. Younve said he has little contact but that must mean some. He can not be in the house with the tots. I certainly hope the parents are fully aware what your son is like. He could easily snap and turn round at one of the tots. It is quite scary to think people trust you with their children. Goes to show how careful you need to be with just who you trust to take care of your children. Please safeguard the children you take care of.
Absolutely agree. He shouldn't be in the house when the children OP is minding are there.

Don't understand why OP agreed she couldn't do her job with her husband there due to the police report but it's apparently fine to do it around a violent 11 year old who pins her against walls and calls her a slag because "he's lovely to them".

No, just no. He shouldn't be anywhere near the children OP minds.

KittensTeaAndCake · 31/01/2022 10:18

Has your DS really only been like this since starting secondary?
If so, have you actually sat him down and talked to him about what is wrong? It seems he’s crying out for help...

longwayoff · 31/01/2022 10:18

Your family needs help. Find some as a matter of urgency. No 11 year old should be behaving in this fashion and holding his family to ransom.

Trinity69 · 31/01/2022 10:22

@TheFrogAndHen

Yes it's harsh Trinity. But OP has other children living in her home who are being subjected to this. He does sound awful and it shouldn't have been left this long.

I don't see what's harsh about saying I feel sorry for OPs other children, I do!

Her 11 year old is obviously going through something and he needs help. But doesn't make it nice to live with for the other people in the house. And just "talking" obviously isn't enough. Obviously now OP is going ahead with the help she needs and that's great. I posted that before she updated.

Fair point. It's probably a subject too close to my own heart because to others my child will sound horrible and nasty and vicious, BUT he's not a horrible person. He can be loving and kind and generous, but also can be an utter arsehole.
Hotchox · 31/01/2022 10:24

If this hasn't been said already, I'm surprised the parents of the kids who come to your house aren't supposed to be informed of a violent incident with police involvement at the place they leave their little kids. Regardless of who head-butted who (which you can't even seem to make your mind up over) - no one in their right mind would want their kids in a place where that goes on, and they should be informed. If you've not done this, then for that alone YABU

TheFrogAndHen · 31/01/2022 10:25

Fair point. It's probably a subject too close to my own heart because to others my child will sound horrible and nasty and vicious, BUT he's not a horrible person. He can be loving and kind and generous, but also can be an utter arsehole.

I appreciate that. And I'm sure OPs son is not a horrible person either. But his behaviour isn't acceptable around other children, not OPs and certainly not the children she is minding for other parents.

He really cannot be around them. I'd be horrified as a parent if I found this out after leaving my child in that house.

People are rightly concerned about OPs son. But the other children involved also deserve some consideration and concern too.

TheFrogAndHen · 31/01/2022 10:26

@Hotchox

If this hasn't been said already, I'm surprised the parents of the kids who come to your house aren't supposed to be informed of a violent incident with police involvement at the place they leave their little kids. Regardless of who head-butted who (which you can't even seem to make your mind up over) - no one in their right mind would want their kids in a place where that goes on, and they should be informed. If you've not done this, then for that alone YABU
Unfortunately I think she'd be lucky to have any of the children left to mind! I wouldn't be able to send my child back there personally.
potniatheron · 31/01/2022 10:30

There's a lot of OP-blaming going on here. Child-to-parent abuse comprises a significant proportion of domestic violence and is overwhelmingly directed at the mother, as in this case. It's a DV issue and blaming the OP for her and her husband's reactions is like blaming the female victim of spousal abuse.

Like any other DV scenario this is a complex issue that requires professional help as it seems quite extreme in this case - OP is being punched by her son.

OP, your husband did the right thing in self-reporting as it will make it easier for you to access outside help. Please contact some of the charities and organisations other posters have listed. I wish you and all your family the very best and hope that you will all get through this.

WutheringHeights66 · 31/01/2022 10:31

Sounds like your son is approaching puberty, with maybe other issues yet to be identified, and things got out of hand. I've been there, and I can honestly say amongst my friendship group 75% of us have experienced uncontrolled angry outbursts in pubescent children, mainly the boys.

My own DS has headbutted walls, threatened to wall up his dad, punched doors and left the house and disappeared for hours, at a similar age. He regularly had me in tears.

He did grow out of it by 15 and is now a well adjusted, graduate with a mortgage and good job.

Sending Flowers because I know these outbursts are very difficult to deal with and for those with easier DC impossible to understand or contemplate.

I hope you get all the help and support you need and I hope this is just a blip and he grows into as lovely a young man as the little boy was just a few months ago.

phishy · 31/01/2022 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn - posted on wrong thread.

Gizacluethen · 31/01/2022 10:34

Your son needs to go live with his dad. You're clearly not dealing with this if he had you pinned up against a wall hitting you. Change his school and send him to his dad and even get him into a counsellor/psychiatrist.

And I'd be fucking fuming if you were my childs childminder and I didn't know you were being assaulted by someone you're allowing near my child. Your husband is moving out because your son headbutted him but sure a medium sized male is romping about the house kicking toys and hitting their childminder. I think you're in big trouble if that comes to light.

HullP · 31/01/2022 10:36

@Hotchox

If this hasn't been said already, I'm surprised the parents of the kids who come to your house aren't supposed to be informed of a violent incident with police involvement at the place they leave their little kids. Regardless of who head-butted who (which you can't even seem to make your mind up over) - no one in their right mind would want their kids in a place where that goes on, and they should be informed. If you've not done this, then for that alone YABU
I've NC for this in case anyone else on here knows the person it was quite big at the time around my area.

But I would think you do absolutely have to inform parents of something like this. Especially if it's an ongoing issue with the son.

I had a friend who was a childminder. Her son had been taking drugs on a night out with his girlfriend and she sadly ended up dying when they got back to my friends house. Obviously there was police involvement and they found some drugs in his room. She was no longer able to be a childminder after that. She wasn't even minding at the time and she wasn't taking anything, but because it was in her home that's what happened.

I agree OP should be required to inform parents of this. It's difficult for OP as it would likely affect her work but the children's safety should be absolutely paramount.

Original poster
Thehop · 31/01/2022 10:36

Thank you all.

Just to be clear, I’ve spoken to OFSTED this morning and advised them of the police visit. I’ve also send a blanket message out to parents advising them I’ve had a police visit this morning with regard to my sons violence towards me and now his stepdad and thy we were seeking support from the MASH team. He never sees minded children in the morning as leaves before them. There are only 2 days a week he’s back in time to Liz due to after school routines and clubs. The 2 families he does cross over with I’ve emailed and asked for a chat to get them up to speed and offer either a change of days, not holding them to their notice period if they want to move, or my real assessment strategies for keeping minded children and my own separate. (This is quite easy to do here thanks to the set up of the house and me finishing at 6pm) I’m being completely open with parents. This is very difficult for me as I pride myself in a very calm, peaceful ethos. We are very much a curiosity/outdoor setting where we talk much about feelings and how we affect others and being a positive member of society. To have it go so awry with my own is heartbreaking. Personally and professionally. I’m hoping seeing me be completely honest about needing guidance and support will be healthy for my family and my customers, and that they see me putting more importance on safeguarding than on maintaining appearances.

I have never minded him going to live with my ex, he’s always hated the idea. The boys see their dad when their dad instigates it and had, literally, 2 nights there last year. He doesn’t know them well so it hasn’t happened but we’ve never needed court to sort contact, we’ve always said the boys can go where they want when they want in terms of houses. Of he wants to go stay with or live with his dad for a while that might be good for him and I’ll support it.

I’m absolutely supporting my husband, I really am sorry about the thread title. I’m conscious that I don’t want to appear to cover anything up and be transparent and wasn’t thinking very straight when I posted I don’t think.

I’m 100% certain that police man’s judgement is correct and this wasn’t my husband assaulting my son. I’m also in full agreement that we need outside influence to make change.

OP posts:
TheFrogAndHen · 31/01/2022 10:39

That's a good update OP.

SolasAnla · 31/01/2022 10:41

Sorry OP but your attitude to the violence from your son is 100% wrong.

You have other children to whom he is being violent towards. The abuse of their toys is a proxy for abusing the younger children directly.

He is being physically and verbally abusive to you in their presence.

Your husband had to use physically restraint on your son as he was abusing you. Your son felt safe enough with your husband to physically challenge his restraint.

As a result of all this you think your husband needs to move out so that you can continue to be a childminder.
Yet you see no problem with having the son who instigated the violence remain with your home with the other children and with the children you are being paid to safeguard.

You need to look for help in setting boundaries for yourself before you will be able to deal with your sons issues.

KurtWilde · 31/01/2022 10:45

Great update, OP. In hindsight mentioning you're a childminder might not have been the best policy as you'll get people wading in about that and clouding the real reason you posted. Please don't let them get to you, you've handled it well today, you've spoken to your clients, and there's nothing more you can do on that score.

Mumdiva99 · 31/01/2022 11:27

Good luck going forward.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/02/2022 02:55

I agree, a good update.

Now you need to find some further support for your son before this escalates any further - he clearly needs it, whether it's in school or out of school, SOMETHING is going on and he needs to find other ways to channel his frustrations and anger.

I wouldn't force him to go and stay at his dad's - I think that would only make things worse in terms of how he's feeling - but I would definitely seek professional advice for him.

I'm in Australia and currently they're being exceptionally good at picking up on secondary students' mental health and wellbeing - but the UK might still be utter shite at it, not sure, probably area dependent. I would have a talk with both your GP and your DS's school though, see what you can glean from them, if your son won't talk to you directly. Show him that you love and support him but you can NOT have that behaviour continuing in your home because it's absolutely inappropriate, verging on criminal.

I wish you luck getting to the bottom of what's happening with him Thanks

wombat1a · 02/02/2022 04:15

I think your Dh has done the right thing, he has been assaulted by your DS while trying to protect you. Your DS needs to be arrested and if the CPS find there is cause charged with assault and battery.

This may get your DS the help he needs but being upset that your DH has to report your son for assaulting both you and him is BU.

Aussiegirl123456 · 02/02/2022 05:18

I can only imagine how difficult this is for you. I hope you manage to get to the bottom of what is happening with your son. Hand hold xx

NameGoesHere · 02/02/2022 06:04

You need to see a doctor about your son pronto.

Undecicive · 06/05/2022 19:23

OP, did you get any help for yourselves? How are things now?

Pinkpigs · 06/05/2022 19:35

Gosh I hope you are ok start to record the out burst he has or just have him removed from your home