Violence from son involving husband ***Title edited by MNHQ on behalf of OP***

[Thehop]

Good morning

We’ve been having a lot of physical trouble with my 11 year old lately. He’s a big lad. Wears medium size mens clothes. If I ask him to do anything he pins me to walls, punches me, calls me a bitch and a slag etc.

He did it again this morning and my husband broke him away from me. He was hitting my husband and spitting at him and my husband leaned his head towards him as he held his hands and shouted. It was very intimidating, designed to be so…..all we wanted him to do was pack his school bag and get his shoes on.

He’s lurched towards my husband and they’ve knocked heads.

My husband is devastated. Says he’s assaulted him and has rung the police to report this himself. I’m waiting to speak to my ex husband.

Does anyone know what will happen now please?

Why's it happening though? If this is a complete change in behaviour then presumably there's a root cause? Do you have any idea what could have caused it? Could he be angry at his dads lack of involvement now he's getting older and becoming more aware? Or if you're honest was it simply that he was easier to manage when younger?

I'm trying to temper my response as I know it's not particularly helpful if you're not the type, but I would retaliate so hard if an 11 year old boy did this to me. Physically hard. He absolutely shouldn't get away with being violent towards women. Especially his own mother! It doesn't bode well for his future at all, or that of future partners. I personally admire your husband's restraint...

It's good you're seeking help. If it doesn't improve send him to his dads.

Sounds to me very much like your husband knew he wouldn’t be able to stay in the house if he rang the police and told them some nonsense so he’s given himself a path out!

The police officer suggested a punch bag outside for red list angry moments so I’ve got that to investigate today

That’s terrible advice. I can’t believe the police advise that! They’ve done studies and punching out on punchbags etc just reinforces the idea that when you’re angry you use physical violence. It doesn’t decrease attacks on people.

What did I just read!?? I'm shocked. Why is he allowed to behave like that with you, pinning you to the wall and punching you??? My god, if my son was to do that, I swear I'd hand him in to the authorities, there's no way I raised a child to treat me like that.

Have you sought help? This certainly is not normal behaviour, you should not put up with this, your husband was right to be intimidating towards him, kids like that need to be taught they can't get away with behaving in that manner.
He needs help, how will he towards other kids and when he's older and has a partner.

My eldest was aggressive, very angry, would hit door and it wasn’t until I changed their diet and cut out all E numbers artificial colours that they stopped be so angry. Google adverse effects of E numbers.
some people say it’s a myth but it worked of my dc and myself too

Your poor husband. Of course he hasn't assaulted him. You need help OP, your son is over the age of criminal responsibility and if he treats a member of the public the way he treats you and his stepdad he will end up in a cell, no doubt about it. Big hug to you both

ZOMBIE!

@Hucklead - hold your horses!!! @Undecicive only asked for an update!

Zombie threads are when they are a year or too old, not a few months...

That is appalling behaviour- And not by your husband!
Your son sounds like he needs urgent help.
Poor husband.

@Thehop I only saw this thread today, and am so very sorry for what you are/were going through. When my DS was around this age, it was hell on wheels for all of us in the family. It did pass, eventually, and he is a wonderful young man today, and we are very proud of, and very close to him. It will most likely eventually pass, but for now please get all the help you can.

@Undecicive thank you for asking. I really didn’t think to update but actually things are much better! Not perfect, by any stretch, but hugely improved!

We got no support offered from social services (just an online course for me about calm parenting, which was useless) so we’ve paid for weekly counselling for him and come up with an activity we do outdoors, all together at some point each weekend away from screens. Even if it’s a wood walk, we have to do it regardless of the weather and it’s done us all good. We’re talking more, shouting less. We take turns choosing paid for/free stuff and have happily sacrificed takeaways to cover it.

we’ve tightened up rules/consequences at home. The internet gets turned off at the first sign of unreasonable behaviour until he’s talked to us and calmed down, which was something we should have brought in years ago. The boys Phones are blocked from 10pm-8am to make sure they’re getting a good chunk of sleep media free. They’re no longer given pocket money if bedrooms aren’t tidy. It sounds like small change but I’m certain looking after his space and being expected to function within the home more has all added to him feeling part of a unit. I can’t believe how simple some of these things were and what I let him behave like before, wrongly thinking I was being nice to him and he’d be happier!

he has opened up about some bullying and struggling with peer pressure at school and school have been very proactive. He has only had one detention this term (was getting 2/3 a week up to new year) and hasn’t hit me or my husband since. He said things are better at school and school are checking in with him regularly to keep on top of the group that was a problem.

not perfect, there’s still far more shouting and falling out with his brother than I’d like, but we’re a work in progress and making things better day by day.

thank you @KaraVanPark and @2018SoFarSoGreat for the hopeful responses. It’s really good to hear that some kids are shit at this age and become decent human adults! We’re a nice normal family. So average, and I really thought we’d sail through this stretch. Just goes to show it can happen and can get better. Thank you both.

I'm glad to hear your update OP, well done to you all and I hope things will keep improving.
It's reassuring to hear that his school is also helping to sort out the bullying.