Violence from son involving husband ***Title edited by MNHQ on behalf of OP***

[Thehop]

Good morning

We’ve been having a lot of physical trouble with my 11 year old lately. He’s a big lad. Wears medium size mens clothes. If I ask him to do anything he pins me to walls, punches me, calls me a bitch and a slag etc.

He did it again this morning and my husband broke him away from me. He was hitting my husband and spitting at him and my husband leaned his head towards him as he held his hands and shouted. It was very intimidating, designed to be so…..all we wanted him to do was pack his school bag and get his shoes on.

He’s lurched towards my husband and they’ve knocked heads.

My husband is devastated. Says he’s assaulted him and has rung the police to report this himself. I’m waiting to speak to my ex husband.

Does anyone know what will happen now please?

Hi op this sounds like child to parent violence, you need to be honest with the police about your son assaulting you also, what area are you in? There may be local services that can offer support, there is a National service called PEGS you can access through face book and online. Also a site called holes in the wall ran by a expert in child to parent violence, called Helen Bonnick.
Please research the child to parent violence and get support for yourself and your family .

I hope you can get this cleared up with the police. Your DH didn't assault your DS, your out of control DS was assaulting you & your DH restrained him.

Why on Earth did you rush in to tell your Ex & make your DH look bad, when he's not?

There's clearly a lot going on here. If there was no violence before the transition to secondary, then there may well be something going badly wrong at school. Is there? That needs sorting.

It also seems rather odd that your husband was so distraught over what doesn't appear, in your account, to be an assault instigated from his side that he called the police - might this be his way of trying to get you all some help? Your ex's reaction is rather worrying too. 'Sort him out'? How would he have done that? Is/was your ex violent in any way?

Don't withdraw the report. You can all explain what actually happened. Your son desperately needs intervention of some kind - this behaviour is a very, very long way away from normal, especially for an 11yo, who is very much still a child. And you need to take a holistic look at the dynamic of your son's life and try and figure out what's going on, possibly with family therapy.

I don't understand why your DH has rushed to report himself to the police over this, especially given the impact on your job. Maybe you should consider what your ex has said, your DS might benefit from living with him. I've seen this make all the difference for some teen boys

Your son is assaulting you.

Your husband used only the force necessary to make him stop. Your son then head butted him.

You need intervention and help. You do not need to be blaming your husband or accusing him of assault.

@ForgedInFire

I don't understand why your DH has rushed to report himself to the police over this, especially given the impact on your job. Maybe you should consider what your ex has said, your DS might benefit from living with him. I've seen this make all the difference for some teen boys

Because it was the right thing to do. It might be the turning point for this young boy.

I'm not sure about the ex taking him. The wording 'sort him out' doesn't sit well with me.

Your husband didn't assault your son, I feel really sorry for the guy.

Hopefully him reporting to police will lead to support because things can't carry on as they are.

Your OH sounds like a decent man who maybe did not need to call the police but the fact this situation has escalated may give DS a reality check.

Has DS started a new school / got new friends which have instigated this change of behaviour? Is he been bullied at school and just copying the behaviour?

Your son needs help - maybe you should consider allowing his DF to step in as he suggested?

We had a similar situation. I will not go into too much detail, but the police were very understanding, and children's social services did become involved.

Needless to say, it was very worrying, but it began a journey through which my son received the help he needed.

My son was a little older, but I can remember feeling ashamed that he was treating me this way, and the language he used against me was violent and misogynistic. The social worker told me that child - parent abuse is not uncommon.

I work in a profession which requires an enhanced disclosure, and neither involvement by the police nor involvement with social services affected the disclosure. They were there to help and no criminal charges were pressed.

It is your son that needs reporting to the police!! Criminal responsibility is from 10.
I think his step father was well within his rights, he was violently attacking you. You, his father and his step father need to work together to nip this horrific behaviour in the bud.
It is not acceptable to behaviour towards you, or anyone else who is unfortunate enough to get close to him as he gets older.

Id also be worried about your husbands mental state as his reaction is so OTT. Your sons behavior will be putting a lot of stress on everyone, your husband isn't immune to the emotional stress of that.

OP, I would contact the school and ask for help from SEND or the pastoral team and tell them exactly what is going on and ask what he is like at school. SEN can ask all the teachers what he is like in their class to see if there is a pattern of behaviour.

I can understand why your husband reported himself, maybe he has had enough of it? also, he is getting in first before he can be accused of anything.

When your son's father offered to "sort him out", did that also involve violence or did he have a plan in mind?

@ForgedInFire

I don't understand why your DH has rushed to report himself to the police over this, especially given the impact on your job. Maybe you should consider what your ex has said, your DS might benefit from living with him. I've seen this make all the difference for some teen boys

Because he feels guilty (even though he has done nothing wrong) and is scared that things are escalating further.

Honestly it's a positive step as this will start to trigger some proper help.

I think calling the police will give everyone a fright into reality?
. Well done step dad in aiding his wife, must be so hard to see :but feel you can’t act , when his wife is being assaulted and spat at
he knows he’s now been pushed too far and now it’s crunch time.
DH probably couldn’t believe the anger he felt.
I think a referral it what you all need, there’s absolutely no excuse for your DS to be assaulting you. No way.
It ends today.

How the hell do you interpret that as your husband assaulting your son?
What is going on with your son at school? Have school said something?
My sons behaviour changed a lot with secondary school and puberty. Toxic friendships. New social rules. More punishment and less support and care from teachers was a difficult time, but to go from sweet and kind to assaults, spitting violemce and aggression is huge. Somethings happened.
Can you ever talk to him just you and him?

Are you a childminder? You say you work from home and he can't be there because he's reported himself for assalting a child. If so should you really be working still? I would not be comfortable with ny child being around your son at all.

Apart from that you should be assuring your husband he done nothing wrong in protecting you and pushing to get support for your son.

@TheresSomebodyAtTheDoorNeil

Id also be worried about your husbands mental state as his reaction is so OTT. Your sons behavior will be putting a lot of stress on everyone, your husband isn't immune to the emotional stress of that.

I agree. I think the husband is crying out for help and quite understandably at the end of his tether and just doesn't know what to do living with this abusive and violent character. Perhaps he is hoping the police will do something if he indirectly reports the horrific behaviour

Your DH has absolutely done the right thing reporting it. It will go on record that he was restraining your son from attacking you, that he didn't deliberately hurt him. It will also get the ball rolling with helping your son.

Your DH has done nothing wrong. I am perplexed at your and his reactions to this. Your son needs to be challenged.

I don't understand why your husband reported himself to the police. Your son is the one who the police need to speak to for assaulting you.

I wonder if he's got so fed up of living with your son this is his way out.

How horrendous for you all @Thehop. You're probably in bits and I don't blame you. Try to not overthink or you'll make yourself ill. Keep reading all the reassuring posts here and try to reframe this awful incident as being a positive in that you can get help and it shouldn't ever happen again.
Sending you hugs, love and strength.

Your husband has done nothing wrong. Why on earth does he need to move out?

@helpwithncmum

Are you a childminder? You say you work from home and he can't be there because he's reported himself for assalting a child. If so should you really be working still? I would not be comfortable with ny child being around your son at all.

Apart from that you should be assuring your husband he done nothing wrong in protecting you and pushing to get support for your son.

If she's a childminder then the son needs to be leaving the house. He needs to stay with his dad.

It sounds more like your husband protected you and your son assaulted him.

Also the nicer you are the worse your sons behaving - that's because your boundaries have gone to shit. I think you need a parenting class around non violent communication. Have a look on your council website, most LA do them.