Violence from son involving husband ***Title edited by MNHQ on behalf of OP***

[Thehop]

Good morning

We’ve been having a lot of physical trouble with my 11 year old lately. He’s a big lad. Wears medium size mens clothes. If I ask him to do anything he pins me to walls, punches me, calls me a bitch and a slag etc.

He did it again this morning and my husband broke him away from me. He was hitting my husband and spitting at him and my husband leaned his head towards him as he held his hands and shouted. It was very intimidating, designed to be so…..all we wanted him to do was pack his school bag and get his shoes on.

He’s lurched towards my husband and they’ve knocked heads.

My husband is devastated. Says he’s assaulted him and has rung the police to report this himself. I’m waiting to speak to my ex husband.

Does anyone know what will happen now please?

@BlondeDogLady

Your DH has done nothing wrong. I am perplexed at your and his reactions to this. Your son needs to be challenged.

He does, yes, but OPs DH knows he can't challenge him by manhandling him anymore as it may come back at him in a negative way one day, which is why he was absolutely right to report this first before anyone can accuse him of doing something heinous when he clearly hasn't. It also means they can tell the police what DS is doing. They'll get the help they need to deal with it, and so will the child.

That's one very unhappy and troubled young lad there.

If he wasn't like this at primary, something has changed. My eldest DD was a horror when she started secondary..... turned out that she was being badly bullied but the school weren't interested. I took her out in the end before she ended up harming herself.

You need school to input here too, because there is something making a previously well behaved lad react like this before he has to go to school. He's done wrong, but there's always a cause.

You need help OP.

None of this is typical behaviour for a little boy and there’s something under the surface going on here - autism, adhd, anger management, bullying, asd, impulse control - SOMETHING.

I hope the police/social services/school can point you in the right direction it support. Nothing but sympathy for you all. Please don’t blame yourself.

Sorry your son sounds absolutely awful. Your ex is right, his behaviour should have been dealt with months ago. You need help.

I feel sorry for your daughter.

You need some support in dealing with your son; I don't think anyone is going to be too worried about your husband.

Sadly, if you are a childminder, I think your son's behaviour may be rather more of a concern for that, if he is in the house at all when you are minding.

Thank you all so much, some really really useful posts thank you.

Yes, I’m a childminder. My son is lovely to my mindees, but has very very little contact with them. He’s only ever been violent to me. Not his dad,(my ex) or older brother.(my older son)

The police officer has been and spoken to us all and is happy that they both leaned in and bumped heads, and that my husband acted reasonably to restrain him. The officer who came was a local man which helped as he was very plain speaking. He’s said he’s almost certain he can close/complete this back at the station and at most will interview my husband if anyone asks him to.

He did say this will automatically refer to social care direct and we’ve said we welcome that, I’ve also ticked yes for victim support incase they have any ideas. I will also contact my local MASH this morning and ask their advice living forward. Oh school. I need to ring school too and speak to them.

My husband is an ex police offer and panicked. He’s never laid a finger on anyone in his life, and was shocked/surprised/terrified he’d hurt him. He said he knew ringing in and reporting immediately was the right thing to do.

My ex is very angry with me for “letting it get to this stage” and I don’t blame him really. I should have accessed support a long time ago. Though things really did turn a corner and calm down. My ex is very black and white, likes to be seen as “no nonsense” and I didn’t want that for my son. I prefer talking.

The police officer suggested a punch bag outside for red list angry moments so I’ve got that to investigate today. I’ll also go and ring MASH and school now.

You've described it in your title badly.
First instinct was to say headbutt the fucker yourself and chuck him out of your sons home, but that isn't what's happened.
Your husband was trying to protect you and it reads like your son actually did the headbutting.

Your poor husband.
You all need help in this situation but it isn't OK that your husband is in the firing line here for intervening. I hope that the police and SS see it for what it is and your family gets support.

@BoodleBug51

That's one very unhappy and troubled young lad there.

If he wasn't like this at primary, something has changed. My eldest DD was a horror when she started secondary..... turned out that she was being badly bullied but the school weren't interested. I took her out in the end before she ended up harming herself.

You need school to input here too, because there is something making a previously well behaved lad react like this before he has to go to school. He's done wrong, but there's always a cause.

Absolutely 100%

When my brother's behaviour suddenly began to deteriorate (first year at secondary school for him too) it turned out he'd been targeted at school by some particularly nasty bullies and his anger and frustration was spilling out at home.

I dont know why you're husband rushed to report himself to the police, it sounds unintentional, and he was protecting you, if anything I'd be calling the police to report your ds, who needs outside support as this behaviour is not normal or acceptable.

That wasn’t assault and I have no idea why you and your DH are portraying it like this. It is not assault to try and protect someone else from being punched. Restraining is not assault. I mean even your son says it’s not assault!!

By doing that you are creating huge ramifications for everyone, including removing a lot of the responsibility from your ds.

You need to have a chat with school and your GP. You need help to support him. And maybe your ds needs to stay with his dad for a bit too.
As for your DH not being able to stay in the house, if you are a CM, I’d be more worried about your ds being there than your DH.

3scape

Has your husband only been upset when he's been hurt? To be frank if the go to method of dealing with your son's violence is more violence i can't see that it's going to achieve anything.
They're both violent. I'd get out of that environment.“

I’m assuming you don’t have a violent child? It’s something many people simply do not understand. It’s a living nightmare.

OP’s husband was protecting her and reported himself. Not the actions of a usually violent man.

FIrstly I think you should ask MNHQ to rejig your thread title to reflect what actually happened - it's arse about face at the moment!

I'm glad that it seems to be sorted, and equally glad that you are now seeking assistance. Your ex might be angry but I expect he's also concerned at the level of physicality going on in your household - I would hope that he wouldn't want his son to hurt anyone either!

I hope you find a road out of this to keep everyone safe - that level of rage from your son needs to be tempered or you will all suffer much worse as he gets older. :(

Xpost.

It seems that the gist from the police was actually quite helpful. That’s great!

As some pp pointed out, the first thing that came to my mind is bullying. I’d have a look at that, as well as CAMH, GP, school and if you can private counselling.
You need strategies on how to deal with his anger.
Talking is good but if he has never told you what is triggering his anger, it’s not going to help.

Secondary school is usually an absolute nightmare in a trigger point everything that goes wrong with my lives we had exactly the same with my daughter at that age.

The Mumsnet narrative that social services are really supportive and helpful that it was not my experience at all literally they just supported that the child moved to my ex-husband‘s house, problem solved, where she went on to attempt suicide so that was brilliant.

Glad that the police outcome has been helpful. Hopefully this incident will just get the wheels turning for support for you all.

I do agree with others who say there's an underlying cause for his change in behaviour. Hopefully things will progress.

It sounds like the incident was scary for all involved. Glad you feel a bit more positive now.

@Thehop you've got a busy day ahead but you're on top of it now. Keep that up. You've both done brilliantly in what sounds like a really difficult situation. Your DH absolutely did the right thing calling them.

Catch your breath, speak to the school, take it from there.

Punch bags etc don't work, because they do nothing to de-escalate the situation, or help the angry person to healthy get rid of the anger. You should have got him help earlier and tbh him living with your ex might be a good solution. The focus now should be to ask for help for him and work with services. Why aren't you letting him live with your ex?

@TheFrogAndHen

Sorry your son sounds absolutely awful. Your ex is right, his behaviour should have been dealt with months ago. You need help.

I feel sorry for your daughter.

Harsh. Very very harsh and not particularly helpful. My son is this way. He is diagnosed ASD/PDA, ADHD and tourettes amongst other things. Yes, it sounds awful to those who don't live it, but sadly this is the reality for an awful lot of parents. Child to parent abuse is on the rise and as mention above PEGS are a good resource. I'd be contacting your GP and explaining the behaviour to them and requesting a referral to CAMHS as soon as possible. Your son is troubled and with the right support can come out the other side. OP, please feel free to contact me should you wish, it's the worst thing to be attacked by someone you love so much.

@Ponoka7

Punch bags etc don't work, because they do nothing to de-escalate the situation, or help the angry person to healthy get rid of the anger. You should have got him help earlier and tbh him living with your ex might be a good solution. The focus now should be to ask for help for him and work with services. Why aren't you letting him live with your ex?

Because running away from the situation doesn’t solve it either it’s an easy quick fix and everybody likes it but nothing changes

I'm glad the police visit went well.

But my God...

Yes, I’m a childminder. My son is lovely to my mindees, but has very very little contact with them

Sorry but it makes me feel sick the thought of leaving my child in a house where your son lives tbh.

Your husband has done nothing wrong.

It is all very well your ex being black and white but 11year olds aren’t always as easy as that.

Your son obviously has something going on and yours and your exes job to find out what that is.
If it started since he’s been at secondary school then that could be a big clue. Or something else have happened and that’s just a coincidence.

When he’s calm I would sit him down just you and him and tell him that you know he’s not happy but you’re not sure why, you can’t help or change anything if you don’t know what’s wrong.
Ask him if he’d prefer to spend more time at his dads to have more space.

@Ponoka7

Punch bags etc don't work, because they do nothing to de-escalate the situation, or help the angry person to healthy get rid of the anger. You should have got him help earlier and tbh him living with your ex might be a good solution. The focus now should be to ask for help for him and work with services. Why aren't you letting him live with your ex?

OP has explained why.

I think you should leave your ex take your son for a while, let him try to sort it out, if it works great/if it doesn't then at least he will understand what you were dealing with.

Yes it's harsh Trinity. But OP has other children living in her home who are being subjected to this. He does sound awful and it shouldn't have been left this long.

I don't see what's harsh about saying I feel sorry for OPs other children, I do!

Her 11 year old is obviously going through something and he needs help. But doesn't make it nice to live with for the other people in the house. And just "talking" obviously isn't enough. Obviously now OP is going ahead with the help she needs and that's great. I posted that before she updated.